As Law & Order: Special Victims Unit just kicked off its 13th season, we are afforded the pleasure of reuniting with some very familiar faces that we haven't seen all summer. Well, unless we watched one of the 15,000 reruns of this show over the summer. While we have grown to regard Chris Meloni and Mariska Hargitay as family members over the last decade, it's the little people that we've grown closer to. The archetypes that keep the show so damn familiar episode after episode. The unsung heroes of SVU.

These are their stories.

9. Stockboy That Can’t Stop Hauling Boxes For Five Minutes While He Talks To The Cops About A Serial Killer

He’s busy, so he’s just gonna continue to move stuff from the van onto the loading dock while you give him the details of the teenage debutante that was raped 700 times then cut into 7 perfectly equal pieces.

Also, no. Edgar didn’t show up for work today. Called in sick about two hours ago. Why you ask?

8. The Jogger

In case you didn’t know, 46% of Central Park joggers find dead bodies on their runs. If those joggers are conducting a generic conversation about last night’s Knicks game, that number skyrockets to 92%. New York is a dangerous place, but fortunately, joggers throughout the island of Manhattan are finding the dead bodies as quickly as they’re being created by the perverts running rampant throughout the city.

If the NYPD is conducting a search for a young girl they presume to be dead, they should conduct a department-wide fun run. They could find every missing person in about 28 minutes.

7. The Judge That Wants To Know Where You’re Going With All This

She’s going to allow it, but you better get somewhere with this. And quick.

6. The Bartender That Never Forgets A Face

“She was in her around 7:30, and she seemed upset.”

Maybe she was upset because you were trying to gauge all the patrons’ feelings instead of taking her drink order.

5. The Impossibly Effective Tech Guy

You know that the suspect bought cat food at a bodega in Spanish Harlem, then bought a souvenir “Never Forget” t-shirt near Ground Zero? Well, let him just log into Purina’s distribution manifests, then cross reference those with all purchases made between $3-$5 on Saturday afternoon from Citibank’s database, then remotely access ATM camera footage across from the twin towers, and that’s the guy you’re looking for. That fuzzy, genderless blob on the other side of the street.

Wait. He’s not done.

Then let him hit that oh-so-handy “enhance” button to clean the picture up, and you’ll see he’s wearing a sweatshirt from Our Lady of Redemption over on 17th Street. Stabler recognized it because he used to play those guys in basketball.

4. The Beat Cop Who Doesn’t Mind Being Treated Like Shit

On his jacket there should be emblazoned the motto “Adimis tu hic,” or “You take it from here.” The beat cops get bitched around the second Benson, Stabler, Tutuouououola, or Munsch show up. The SVU squad will take it from here. The best the beat cops can do now is canvas the neighborhood or maybe set up a perimeter.

And God help them if they contaminated the crime scene.

3. Impossibly Cocky Yuppie Suspect

Contrary to what your gut may tell you, this isn’t the baby rapist. This guy is just a misogynistic prick who doesn’t have to take this from some bitch cop. He’s handsome and had the world on a plate. And do you know who his father is? He’s a friend of the mayor, so you better watch your tone.

2. The Gay Maitre’d

The only straight people in food service in New York are the bartenders, women pulling triple-shifts at diners, and hot dog guys. If you work front of house in fine dining, you are a gay male, according to Law & Order: SVU.

These gay males also constantly need reminding that they can check the credit card receipts in back to confirm the suspect’s identity. They often appear stand-offish, but that’s just because you paid a visit to the restaurant during its lunch rush. Simply remind the maitre’d that you can make life a lot harder for everyone if you have to come back with a warrant. Which brings us to…

1. The Guy Who’s Gonna Need You To Come Back With A Warrant

If SVU is to be believed, then every single business owner and employee is a card-carrying member of the ACLU. It doesn’t matter if you run a model train store in Hoboken – your customers value their privacy. If you want to know who bought that Lionel short line caboose last August, you’re gonna need to come back with a warrant. If you come across this guy, don’t even bother trying to win them over with “a young boy’s life depends on it” or the fact that a killer is on the loose. Those immediate dangers all fall a distant second to the sanctity of travel agent-customer confidentiality.