In light of the recent Bert and Ernie non-scandal, in which Sesame Street was compelled to released a statement saying that the two beloved characters were “just friends” and not gay, we at Screen Junkies have decided to address this issue head-on.

Puppets are asexual. All children’s characters are. There is no room in children’s entertainment for sexuality. There’s plenty of time for that stuff later on. Kids shouldn’t be in a hurry to grow up.


If we were to assign sexual orientations to children’s characters, these guys would be totes gay.

9. Captain Planet

If recent history has demonstrated anything, it’s that the homosexual community often leads the charge on many social and political issues, even outside of gay rights. So it should be no surprise that, well before Leonardo DiCaprio was driving a Prius, and Cameron Diaz was saving rainforests, Captain Planet was extolling the virtues of recycling and going green. Of course, it wouldn’t be fair to use this as the sole barometer for one’s sexual orientation, otherwise, we would have to take a long look at Al Gore. That’s right, I planted that seed.

Also, Captain Planet is the textbook definition of what the gay community considers a “twink.” Not a hair on him.

8. Jigglypuff

I’m not too hip as to the sex lives of Pokemon characters, but I must say that if one was to be gay, it would be Jigglypuff. Aside from a name that to me just screams “bear,” this guy puts his enemies to sleep by singing to them. That’s a hell of weapon there, Jigglypuff. Also, Jigglypuff is pink and has a very gay little haircut. Let’s not overthink this.

“Gotta catch ‘em all!”

7. Barney

Well, he’s big, purple and ridiculously fun. He has a very gay walk about him and claps way more than me and my straight friends. He’s also 25 million years old and looks FANTASTIC. He’s also got a bit of a lisp. He also appears in a video with countless other children’s TV characters called “We Are Family” which encrouages diversity and tolerance. That sounds like some typical liberal bullshit.

Barney=Liberal. Liberal=Gay. Barney=Gay.

That’s the transitive property. I just mathematically proved that Barney is gay.

6. Tinky Winky

Well, I guess you can take it off my tombstone that I never agreed with Jerry Falwell about anything. He’s purple, which I’m more than willing to chalk up to coincidence. I’m straight, and I have purple shirts that I wear because I look fantastic in them. He carries a “magic bag.” Or “purse.” He carries a purse. His antenna is in the shape of a triangle, which is a symbol for homosexuality.

You know what? All the Teletubbies are gay. At least Tinky Winky has the courage to wear it like a badge of honor. May your song never die, Tinky Winky.

5. He-Man

Short-shorts. Muscles. Chili-bowl haircut. Friends with an effeminate tiger. Named “Adam.” For the love of f*ck, his name is “He-Man.” If you’re not sold on this, you’re helpless.

4. Patrick Star

To be fair, he might be bi. He hit on Mindy in the movie, but who knows if he was just trying to put on an act for his straight buddies. Further, starfish (and sponges for that matter) are known for being hermaphroditic. So this entry begs a lot of scientific analysis that, frankly, I just don’t have the energy for. We’ll say he’s a bisexual swinger, which is more than enough to make the cut on this list.

3. Babar

He dresses like Stanford Blatch from Sex and the City, and although the elephant is the symbol of the Republican party, a whole group called Log Cabin Republicans exists as gay supporters of the party. Oh. Babar is French, too. Pretty damning stuff here, folks. Do you know any straight guys that have THAT many hats? And lest you think that’s it, Babar has recently thrown his name behind a children’s yoga book. YOGA!

2. Most Smurfs

I feel I really don’t need to address the mannerisms or affectations of individual Smurfs to make my point here. Let’s just look at the numbers. There are at least 100 Smurfs, only one of who is female. I’m not going to make the belabored joke that she is a slut, because we all know that she is. Huge whore.

Rather, even if she was slutting it up to Snooki-eque proprtions, she still wouldn’t able to service all these little blue dudes. Living in Smurf Village is tantamount to being in prison for male Smurfs. I’m not saying they’re gay by choice, but lots of male Smurfs are having sex with each other. A lot.

1. Snarf

Well, I don’t know if the Thundercats character predates the gay sex term (I’m not going to link to it, but it’s easily Google-able), but I’m not willing to chalk the phenomenon up to coincidence. Snarf certainly carries himself like an old queen, with the giant mustache and the constant complaining. Also, that’s not how straight dude lay around. I’m not entirely sure that’s how gay dudes lay around either, but it’s pretty off-putting regardless. Snarf just really wants to be pampered. I can’t say I blame him, as we all deserve a diva day every once in a while, but he’s living a diva life.