As our own Penn Collins recently reported, Arnold Schwarzenegger is developing a cartoon called “The Governator,” a semi-autobiographical show depicting his return to a fictitious life of crime-fighting. Now, I’m not one to judge things before I have all the facts, but I do feel comfortable saying that this show will go over as well as a nuclear power plant in an earthquake zone. Why am I so down on the plan? Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that vanity cartoons based on the lives of real people just don’t work. Need proof? Here’s an ass-load of it.
“The Harlem Globetrotters” was basically the same cartoon as “Scooby-Doo,” except it starred a bunch of big black dudes instead of a bunch of white teenagers. Also, there’s no talking dog, and there’s a lot more basketball. OK, I admit that my description sounds absolutely nothing like “Scooby-Doo,” but trust me. It’s pretty much the same show.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hulk Hogan were both popular 80’s action stars. But unlike Schwarzenegger, who went on to become a megastar, Hogan’s career quickly faded. While many will disagree, I place the blame for Hogan’s downfall squarely on “Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling,” and, to a lesser extent, that meddlesome Iron Sheik.
Before this cartoon came out, Jordan, Jackson and Gretzky were the best of friends. They would hang out on the weekends, watch each others’ kids, go on vacations together, and all the other things that best friends do. But after the spectacular failure of their cartoon, the group was torn apart by petty bickering and finger pointing. In fact, it’s been ten years since Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky played a round of mini-golf together, which is something they used to do every Thursday. Thanks for nothing, “ProStars.”
I pity the fool that has ever sat through an entire episode of Mr. T’s cartoon. I know a lot of you will appreciate it on some sort of ironic level. We’ll aren’t you cool? Wait, no you’re not. It’s crap. Don’t give me no back talk, sucka.
Remember when all those lists were going around about how awesome Chuck Norris is? They were funny because he’s a joke. He became a joke because of crap like “Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos.” Well, that movie where he’s partnered with a police dog didn’t help, either.
Muhammad Ali may be the greatest of all time when it comes to boxing. But when it comes to making cartoons, he might be the shittiest. Take a look at the clip above. Why is he in space? Did he fucking punch his way there?
I’m not sure what’s sadder: the fact that these douche hounds were popular enough to warrant a cartoon show, or the fact that even the gay dude probably got more vagina than I ever will. Either way, this cartoon was worse than a war crime.
Holy shit! Holy friggen shit! Someone paid to produce this with the idea of making a return on their investment. Talking shoes? Dear lord, what a terrible premise. Yeah, lots of cartoons are built on stupid ideas, but most of them have enough sense not make a five minute introduction detailing said stupidity in a horrible rap song. At any rate, Arnold should look long and hard at this video before he goes any further with his own cartoon.