7 Paula Deen Recipes That Would Give Superman Diabetes

Wednesday, January 18 by

Broccoli Salad

Finally, a heart healthy vegetable dish. Unfortunately, the human body is simply not designed to consume something as non-creamy as broccoli, so in order to absorb the nutrients here, people must consume the broccoli with 6-8 slices of bacon, a cup of mayonnaise, and 8 ounces of sharp cheddar cheese. Oh, and a quarter cup of sugar.

I have made this dish several times and can say with certainty that it actually works better if you omit the broccoli and simply form Rice Krispie treats into broccoli shapes.

Also, and for the life of me don’t know why, this dish seems to taste a lot better when you’re watching Toddlers and Tiaras or Swamp People while eating it. So weird.

Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding

Paula herself refers to this dish as “sinfully sweet,” which means that even by her draconian standards of sweetness, this one really moves the meter. The dish is your classic bread pudding or French toast recipe, only as if it was prepared by a schizophrenic six year-old. It calls for a box of raisins (in Paula’s world, that’s fruit), two cans of fruit cocktail (ditto…and f#cking disgusting), a can of condensed milk (sweetened, natch), only 24 Krispy Kreme donuts. Then to add a little somethin’ somethin’ to the dish, the sauce consists of a stick of butter, a pound of confectioner’s sugar, and a little rum.

I will let this video serve as my closing. It’s Paula Deen getting hit in the face with a ham. It’s what we in the business call a “metaphor.”

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