7 Paula Deen Recipes That Would Give Superman Diabetes

Wednesday, January 18 by
It's an "I'm sorry you have Type II Diabetes" cake.  

It was discovered a few days ago that Food Network star Paula Deen is living with Type II Diabetes. How she of all people would wind up suffering from a disease caused by obesity and a lack of physical activity is anyone’s guess. Here are seven of my guesses. [Caution: This article may ruin not just your lunch, but all future meals in your lifetime.]

Ultimate Fantasy Deep Fried Cheesecake

Pretty sure the name conveys 99% of my point here, but I’ll keep writing anyway. She prepares these things in traditional Eastern fashion, using 30 Oriental spring roll wrappers. I’m guessing that she calls for more spring roll wrappers than are actually needed, because what chef could sit in front of 30 delicious cold spring roll wrappers while cooking and not get the itch to pop a few dozen in their mouth?

This recipe essentially takes one boring, blah, heart-healthy cheesecake and turns it into 30 individually wrapped flavor packages. And for you health nuts out there, there are mint sprig garnishes, so it’s practically a superfood!

Fisher Nutter Bacon Cheese Ball

She should just call this snack “the widowmaker.” It’s essentially one of those cheese balls rolled in nuts that were popular like 30 years ago, but in typical Paula Deen fashion, this motherf*cker is rolled in 10 slices of crumbled bacon. For some reason, this recipe also calls for one tablespoon of poppy seeds to be mixed in to the ball as well, which is a bit like shooting a BB gun at a freight train.

“What is that delightful nuance I’m tasting here?”

“Is it the one package of cream cheese? The two cups of cheddar? The ten slices of bacon? The myriad pecans? Or is it the faint whisper of the poppy?”

“Poppy seeds! Of course!”

(Both parties continue to eat and breathe heavily until they drift off, eventually dying painlessly in their sleep. They were both 19 years old.)

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