7 ‘Bachelor’ Hopefuls More Eligible Than Tim Tebow

Tuesday, March 6 by

Russell Brand

Now that he’s back in the dating pool, this is Russell Brand‘s perfect opportunity to win back America after the pain he’s caused our nation’s greatest cocktease. At the very least, it’s his best option for getting ass and money at the same time. It’s douche waffle fries like this that always pull the shallow party girls The Bachelor casts. Plus, he’s likely to be the only bachelor that will make the girls do demeaning sh*t like walk around on all fours.

Although I can see Franck Ribery trying that too. Dude’s into some freaky sh*t.

Plaxico Burress

Handsome, athletic, rich, and a Super Bowl champ! Plaxico Burress is the total package. Assuming that you’re cool with the fact that the total package might accidentally shoot you or destroy your car at some point during the courtship.

Hockey Dad

Most women would be turned off by the idea of marrying a guy who murdered his son’s hockey referee with his bare hands in front of several children. But those women aren’t taking into account that Hockey Dad is a devoted father. He’s literally willing to kill over a call he didn’t like at a youth hockey pick up scrimmage. Imagine what he’ll do for you when your ex tries to make you jealous.

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