Tonight on TV, dwarves make chocolate, Tom Hanks abducts kids, and Spring Breakers use their vaginas to save their favorite bar.
CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP
NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!
I WANT A DOG FOR CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE BROWN
Time: 8 – 9PM
Reasons to watch: How many f*@%ing Charlie Brown Christmas specials are there? I swear CBS has aired Charlie Brown more often than the CBS Nightly News recently. Bald little kid has a lot to say on the subject of Christmas apparently.
42 WAYS TO KILL HITLER
Network: NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC
Time: 8 – 9PM
Reasons to watch: Failed assassination attempts on Adolf Hitler are dramatically recreated. It’s every actor’s dream role. "Yeah, I played Hitler in that thing where they tried to drop an anvil on Hitler."
THE POLAR EXPRESS
Time: 8 – 10PM
Reasons to watch: Now that your night terrors have finally subsided, reacquaint the horror-receptacle in your brain with the image of a wax-coated Tom Hanks luring a child from his home in the middle of the night.
Time: 9 – 10PM
Reasons to watch: Little people working in a chocolate factory? Too easy. This must be a trap. Resist snarkiness, Johnson. Back away slowly.
CO-ED CONFIDENTIAL 3: SPRIN BREAK 12: LET THE GAMES BEGIN
Time: 11:40PM – 12:10AM
Reasons to watch: Was this show named by a broken movie-titling computer? Young women go face-to-face with their arch rival in a sex competition at the Spring Break Olympics in order to save their bar. That’s too many plots and too many titles for a half-hour show, you guys. And shouldn’t the games have begun in an earlier installment?
WHO’S ON LATE
Jeff Bridges; Adam Lambert
Maggie Gyllenhaal; John Witherspoon
Christina Applegate; David Gregory; the Silversun Pickups perform
Charles Barkley; Peter Facinelli; Leona Lewis performs
Quentin Tarantino; Renee Fleming performs
Martha Stewart; Jeffrey Ross; Julian Casablancas performs