WHAT TO WATCH ON TV TONIGHT: TUESDAY, JULY 14th, 2009

Tuesday, July 14 by

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Yo, yo, yo Junkies! Welcome to Tuesday’s edition of What To Watch Tonight. We’ve combed the listings once more to give you our best offerings. In addition to the All-Star Game (to which we paid solemn tribute) there’s a lot of options tonight. Essentially Roadhouse or a furry orgy. You’ve got some tough calls to make. Are you really going to foresake Patrick Swayze??

FIND OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP…

ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC

BETTER OFF TED
Network: ABC
Time: 9 – 9:30PM
Reason to watch: In a night full of repeats, this is the only new scripted program on the air. Legal troubles stemming from a perfume that attracts angry hornets cause larger problems within the company dynamic. Reminds me of the time that I went outside covered in fish oil and all the neighborhood cats chased me into a lake.

MLB ALL-STAR GAME: FROM ST. LOUIS
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 11PM (but set your DVRs until 6am in case)

Reason to watch: Because this one’s being broadcast from St. Louis, MO, the baseball capital of the United States (or the world if the Dominican Republic were to suddenly explode), and the players are going to put on a show since the people in the stands actually give two sh*ts. Also, there’s a good chance you’ll get to hear Chris Berman wax on about legendary Cardinals announcer, Jack Buck, for another two hours straight, right to son Joe Buck’s face, and I’m dying to see Joe finally haul off and smack the ever loving f*ck out of someone for not being able love Joe for Joe. HBO trainwreck be damned.

^{The last thing a biscuit sees.}

ROADHOUSE
Network: CMT
Time: 9 – 11:30PM
Reason to watch: Who can resist the down home charms of Roadhouse? This is Patrick Swayze in one of his best roles as Dalton, a professional bouncer given the task of cleaning up a Missouri bar (not after the All-Star game, sadly). But Dalton doesn’t clean bars with Pledge. He busts heads, kicks dicks, and tears out throats with efficiency. Think of him as a "redneck Bruce Lee".

ECW
Network: Syfy
Time: 10 – 11PM
Reason to watch: I don’t really know much about the ECW or their policies on foreign objects but I DO know that I wouldn’t get into that ring without a suit of armor and a gatlin gun.

^{"Wanna party?"}

1000 WAYS TO DIE
Network: Spike
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reason to watch: This is essentially Final Destination: The Series. Though the show re-enacts several gruesome real-life deaths, tonight’s episode also features a particulary bizarre death. While wandering through the desert and halucinating on mushrooms, a man comes across a group of furries engaged in sexual encounters around a campfire. He tries to join in ’cause hey, an orgy is an orgy. The furries rebuff his attempts. He then stumbles upon a nearby brown bear and believes it to be a person in costume. I believe he got to third base by the time the bear mauled him to death.

WHO’S ON LATE NIGHT?

DAILY SHOW W/ JON STEWART
Peter Mancall, author of "Fatal Journey: The Final Expedition of Henry Hudson"

COLBERT
Liberian peace activist Leymah Gbowee

CONAN
Michael Phelps, Sugar Ray

LETTERMAN
Edie Falco, Michael Showalter, Wilco with Feist

KIMMEL
Samuel L. Jackson and Jamie Lynn-Sigler

FERGUSON
John Larroquette and Minka Kelly

FALLON
Seann William Scott, Keyshawn Johnson, Daniel Merriweather