I'll admit that I skipped out on most of the semi-final round, but I feel like it's part of my duty as a fan of fake sports to cover the finale. There are no new gladiators, no new events and the contenders aren't particularly interesting, but I'm the kind of guy who only watches football during the Superbowl and only goes to church on holidays (and even then it's only to pick up girls).

The contestants:
Mike, the blue male contestant is really the only one I remember well from the prelims and it's mostly because I hate his personality. I went to NYU. I've seen enough antics out of wacky, flamboyant dancers for one lifetime. His opponent, Tim Olliphant, I remember because his name is very similar to the guy that played Hitman. He also did the eliminator so ridiculously fast it made everyone else look really stupid.

The girls:
It's the incredibly annoying newlywed, Ally, against the former armed forces officer, Tiffaney, who closely resembles Frankie Muniz. If anything, I was hoping Ally would win since she's the one who knocked out Boston Annie, otherwise knows as the most irritating person on TV since Urkel.

The events:
Honestly, if you're interested enough in the events, you should just go watch the show. It's available at the NBC site and on Hulu. I was a little disappointed they didn't roll out anything new for the big finale. It was just the same old stuff. They've got creative people over there. I'm sure they could'v taken some foam and figured out a new way for them to hit each other with it.

The best part:
Tiffaney totally beasted Ally in almost every event. After a loss, they would cut to Ally's stupid husband looking disappointed. Anything that makes that guy sad makes me happy.

The results:
In the end, Tim trounced Mike the dancer, which was pretty satisfying. He couldn't quite beat his record time, but he didn't have to. Tiffaney blew her huge lead and lost in the end to Ally, mostly thanks to the cargo net. I would've thought she would excell at that since she was in the military. I thought all they do is run, get yelled at and climb cargo nets.

Next season:
Now that the initial retro giddiness of the show being back on the air has officially worn off, I think they're going to have to step it up a little if they want people to keep tuning in. I'm not talking WWE-style plot twists or anything, but new events are definitely something I think they should invest in. And why did they shy away from Assault so much? That's one of everyone's favorite events. If anything they should make them do it every show. Or just turn the whole damn thing into Running Man. I would watch that, and regardless of what you tell your therapist, you would, too.

A final word on the Travelator
It sucks. For two seasons it has been giving the advantage to the skinny track stars. It's time to ditch that thing and replace with something more impact-oriented. My vote is for them to bring back the old gimmick where the contender breaks through a paper door, behind which there might be a Gladiator waiting to clothesline them. I guess they just don't build Eliminators like they used to. Oh, and will somebody please get Hulk Hogan some sleeves?