During the first run of Gladiators back in the ‘80s, it was pretty clear that the contestants were supposed to be the good guys and the Gladiators were supposed to be the flat-top having, steroid-fueled villains. But, thanks to NBC’s ability to pick the most annoying people in the world to fill the contestants’ spandex, it seems like the foam-padded tables have turned.
The women’s contest, however, was chock full of gimmicks, pitting a 52-year old Asian woman named Yoko (red) against a 20-year old college student named Annie (blue) with a Boston accent closely resembling Mark Walburgh’s in The Departed.
The men this week were fairly generic, consisting of Alejandro (blue) an Army vet who served in Afghanistan and works with dolphins (there are tons of those in the desert, right?) against an overzealous camp counselor, hilariously named Tim Oliphant (red).
Least surprising moments from the episode:
It doesn’t seem entirely fair that they should keep putting Rocket on The Wall since he was a professional rock climber and coach before he picked up his Spandex. That’s like making them take on Corey Haim in a crack smoking contest.
But by far the most predictable and satisfying moment of the whole show was watching Crush, otherwise known as mixed martial artist, Gina Carano, pound little ol’ Yoko into a fine pile of Metamusil powder on The Pyramid. Our buddies over at CagePotato have the video if you’re into watching young, hot ladies give suplexes to old, annoying ones.
Most unintentionally erotic statement:
Red contestant, Tim after getting decimated in Snapback: “It’s gonna be a heck of a finish because I love coming from behind and this is where I excel at [sic]. So, Alejandro, you’re on top now, but you’re going down."
Men: The men’s Eliminator was actually one of the best contests so far. Tim (red) set the course record at 1:24 seconds. It helped that he didn’t stop to flop around on the Travelater for 3 minutes before getting to the top.
Women: In an outcome that should shock absolutely no one, Yoko had trouble hauling her 52-year old hump through the Eliminator. Despite only having a half-second head start, Boston Annie won with a time of 3-minutes, ensuring that she’ll be back again in the next round for the announcer to make “wicked” and “pissa” jokes about her.
What’s up next week?
It’s the final show in the first round, which means it’s the last new batch of contestants before the semi-finals. The men will be another soldier who served in Iraq verses a New York City detective that looks kind of like Kenny G. The women’s contest pits a figure skater against a “sex 24 year-old co-ed.” I’m picking the soldier and the skater based on absolutely nothing. Feel free to place your (hypothetical) bets in the comments.