Last night, Donald Trump fired Gary Busey from “Celebrity Apprentice,” marking the end of an era for reality television. Well, that’s assuming you define “era” as a period of seven weeks where nothing of any real significance happened, which I assume you do.
For weeks, the other members of the men’s team had been gunning for Busey. But episode after episode, he managed to survive. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who lived through a high-speed motorcycle accident without a helmet? Outlasting Mark Mcgrath in a bullshit competition involving suntan lotion is child’s play when compared to having your skull bashed open all over the highway, although I imagine both are equally traumatizing. But any way you slice it, Gary Busey is a survivor. No one expected him to last this long.
After barely making it through last week’s nonsense, Busey was given the role of product manager. Obviously, he was meant to fail. Putting Gary Busey in charge of anything is like putting Roman Polanski in charge of a Girl Scout troop, which is to say that sooner or later, things are gonna get screwed. Granted, this was his second turn as project manager, but just like the last time, the incompetence of the women’s team was his only hope. However, despite the overall lack of faith from his teammates, Busey remained optimistic thanks to his “internal wealth of knowledge.”
This week’s task entailed putting on a cooking demonstration for Omaha Steaks. Gary set straight to work, assigning Meat Loaf the role of cook despite the fact that he had no cooking experience whatsoever. While meeting with the company’s executives, he asked hard hitting questions, like whether or not any of their beef comes from Arizona, and then proceeded to discuss whether or not the meat was literally in a state of “suspended animation” thanks to the company’s freezing process. Questions like “what to you want us to accomplish” never came up. Rather than step in to help, Gary’s teammates were content to let Gary fail. As John Rich so eloquently put it, “I’m here to be a tool in the tool box.” I couldn’t have put it better myself.
As the project dragged on, it became clear that Gary didn’t really have a plan. He was content to just wing it by having Meat Loaf behind the grill and stringing the segments together with vague, baffling stories about romantic anniversaries and father-son kite flying sessions. I’d like to give you a more detailed description, but that’s pretty much all there is too it. It made no sense to anyone besides Gary. Earlier in the episode, John Rich accused Gary of either being insane or a saboteur. Clearly it was the latter.
Of course, the men lost, and it didn’t take long for the knives to come out. Meat Loaf was visibly frustrated. Lil’ Jon claimed Busey spent most of the task in outerspace, and John Rich accused Gary of referring to him as “boy” while the cameras weren’t around. Busey countered by saying he had actually called him a “ca’boy,” which he claimed is a shortened version of cowboy even though it shortens the word by exactly zero syllables. Despite Trump’s attempts to add drama, there was clearly no one left to fire but our hero.
Which brings us to Trump, a rumored Presidential candidate. Clearly, it’s just a stunt, but lets assume for a second that he is serious about running. It took him seven weeks to fire a brain-damaged lunatic, which certainly calls into question his judgment. But on the other hand, he could be smart enough to know that Busey was literally the only reason to watch the show, so maybe he’s pretty shrewd after all. Either way, I’d rather vote Hitler and Hilary Clinton’s (insert Sarah Palin, if you prefer) love child.
At any rate, so long, Gary Busey. We’ll miss you.