I already hear people complaining about the fact that “Game of Thrones” is starting to drag. To an extent, it’s true. The last two episodes have been heavy on the dialogue, and light on the beheadings and breasts. This hits me especially hard, since it’s extremely difficult to make an interesting Gif Recap of two dudes in tights reminiscing about a fictitious battle. But everybody needs to chill the hell out. People said”Boardwalk Empire” was boring too, and by the end, that show had more dead Italians than the Vatican. So don’t worry about “Game of Thrones.” You’ll get your share of blood and boobs, people. Winter is coming! On with the Gifs!
Even in last night’s dialogue heavy episode, there was still a grizzly death! But more on that later. For now, let’s focus on creepy three-eyed birds.
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It began with Bran, up and about, walking the castle grounds as if nothing had happened (in this case, nothing being the fact that he was thrown from a castle tower and paralyzed from the waist down). Suddenly, a menacing three-eyed crow appears. With that, Bran awakes, and we discover it was all a dream. For those particularly dim members of the viewing audience, the old nurse watching over the boy actually announces “Little lord’s been dreaming again.” Thanks, lady.
With that, Bran is summoned to the throne room to greet Tyrion the imp, who has returned from the wall. He is strangely eager to learn what the boy remembers of his fall, but the Starks assure him that Bran has no memory of the event. With that out of the way, Tyrion offers the boy a specially made saddle that will allow him to ride, claiming to have a soft spot for “cripples, bastards, and broken things.” When Bran insists he is not a cripple, Tyrion replies, “Then I’m not a dwarf! My father will rejoice to hear it.”
Meanwhile, in Dothraki town, or whatever the hell it’s called, Viserys Targaryen is as pissy as ever about the fact that he sold his sister to the Dothraki hordes, but has yet to take control of his army. Not even taking a bath with a hooker and regaling her with stories of dragon skulls can cheer him up.
However, his sister Dany seems to be enjoying her new role as the barbarian queen. But she is beginning to lose faith in her brother, and confides in Jorah Mormont that she would not want him to be king. Mormont then confides in her that he was exiled for selling slaves in order to appease his wife’s lavish lifestyle. The wife is now in “another place with another man.”
At the wall, Jon Snow is making new friends. Unfortunately, his new friend is an overweight coward named Samwell Tarly. The only other Samwell I know sings “What, What (In the Butt),” and would probably make a better knight than Tarly.
Ned Stark, on the other hand, is getting shit done. After learning that his predecessor was investigating a book about family lineages, he visits a young blacksmith. Upon investigating the blacksmith, and starring him in the eyes, he realizes that it is the king’s bastard son. Advantage, Stark.
Over at the castle, we gain some insight as to why the Lannister family, Jaime Lannister in particular, might hate the king. It seems his royal highness likes to cheat on his wife (Jaime’s sister). He’s paralytically fond of having orgies while Jaime is on watch outside his door, forcing him to hear all of the debauchery. On the one hand, I can understand why Jaime would be upset by that. On the other, Jaime is nailing his own sister, the king’s wife, so maybe he shouldn’t judge.
Back up north, Jon finds out that Samwell was forced to join the Night’s Watch by his father, who threatened to kill him if he didn’t leave home. As such, Snow takes pity on the fat ass, and warns his fellow soldiers not to attack Samwell. This does not sit well with their superior, Alliser Thorne, who explains that on the other side of the wall, their weakness will be their undoing. Throne himself has resorted to cannibalism to stay alive, and would have no qualms about eating a fatty like Samwell, if need be.
After his hooker bath, Viserys is invited to dinner by his sister. Where as most people would consider this a kind gesture, he takes it as an insult and decides to attack her. However, emboldened by her new role as queen, Daenerys fights back, and threatens to have his hands cut off if he ever strikes her again.
So far, the episode has been pretty heavy. So lets forget our troubles with a good old-fashioned jousting tournament. What could go wrong? Oh, right. A jouster could get his throat stabbed. And wouldn’t you know it, that’s just what happens thanks to a really evil knight named Gregor Clegane (a.k.a. The Mountain). He is the brother of The Hound (the guy with the melted face from previous episodes). As it turns out, The Hound’s face didn’t get that way by accident. His brother held it in a fire while they were both young boys. It seems that The Mountain hasn’t changed much, since he seems not the least bit bothered by stabbing a man in the jugular during a friendly competition.
Last, but not least, we return to Lady Stark, who while traveling back north, has an unfortunate run in with Tyrion. As the dwarf smugly relishes the fact that he has blown her cover, Lady Stark quickly commands the loyalty of all those in the tavern, calling on them to arrest Tyrion for the attempted murder of her son. The patrons quickly oblige, and Tyrion finds himself in the middle of the medieval bukakee circle.
And with that, we are forced to wait another week. What have you thought of the show so far? Has it been to boring, or are you content with the fact that they are gearing up for something epic?