A few weeks ago, in an earlier “Game of Thrones” Gif Recap, I made the following statement in response to critics who were complaining that the show was boring: “People said’Boardwalk Empire‘ was boring too, and by the end, that show had more dead Italians than the Vatican. So don’t worry about ‘Game of Thrones.’ You’ll get your share of blood and boobs, people. Winter is coming!” Last night’s episode, “A Golden Crown,” proved my point beyond a shadow of a doubt.
As we enter the second half of the season, all the “boring” setup and character development is coming together in an orgy of violent bloodlettings and shocking plot twists. In fact, last night’s installment was so entertaining, I didn’t even notice the lack of gratuitous topless scenes…until they threw in a Basic Instinct moment.
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We begin with King Robert and Queen Cersei interrogating Ned Stark. When we last left Ned, he was bleeding in the street, having been stabbed in the back of the leg by one of Jaime Lannister‘s men. Now it’s Jamie’s sister who is on the offensive, demanding that Stark release her brother. When the king fails to adequately support her demands, she makes a few off-color comments about her husband wearing women’s clothing. This goes over about as well as a lead balloon, and the king responds by bitch slapping his troublesome wife. You might be surprised to learn that I’m not really big fan of domestic violence. But when Cersei Lannister is involved, I’ll make an exception.
Across the Narrow Sea, another queen is being tortured in a different manner. This time, it’s self inflicted. Daenerys has pulled out one of her cherished dragon eggs and placed it in the middle of a fire pit. For reason unknown, she is able to pick up the smoldering hot egg without burning her skin. That’s an impressive trick, but not as impressive as eating a horse heart without vomiting, a task she must accomplish if she is to bare Khal Drogo a son. She manages to keep her food down, much to everyone’s delight. Well, everyone but her brother Viserys, who is beginning to realize that he is becoming irrelevant.
Back in Winterfell, Stark’s oldest son Robb and Theon Greyjoy are arguing about whether or not to move against the Lannisters. While they bicker, Bran Stark wanders off into the woods and is set upon by a group of bandits from north of the wall. The northerners are fleeing south to escape the White Walkers. Luckily for Bran, Robb and Theon catch wind of his trouble, and start slicing throats like it’s their job (which I guess it is). Of the bandits, only the sole female is taken prisoner.
Meanwhile, in the Eyrie, Tyrion Lannister is very unhappy with his current accommodations. After a prolonged exchange with a dimwitted guard, he announces that he would rather confess his crimes than rot in his cell. With that, the imp is taken to an audience in the thrown room.
Once in front of Lysa Tully and Lady Stark, Tyrion confesses a myriad of sins, most of which involve humiliating women and jerking off. But for the crimes of which he is being accused, he maintains his innocence, and demands a trail by combat. Since it would be less than honorable to hack up a dwarf with a sword, the mercenary Bronn agrees to fight in his place. After employing some less than noble tactics, he manages to kill his opponent, and Tyrion is free to go.
With the prospect of war looming, Roz the red-headed whore decides to leave Winterfell and head to King’s Landing. After all, if all of the men go off to war, and most of them don’t come back, turning tricks isn’t going to be a very lucrative business. On her way out of town, Theon runs into her, and, somewhat sadly, pays her for one last look between her legs.
Ned Stark agrees with Roz’s sentiments that war is coming, and decides to send his daughters back to Winterfell. Sansa protests, saying she wants to stay and give her future husband beautiful blond babies. With this, Stark has a revelation. If all of King Robert’s bastard sons have dark hair, why is his legitimate son, Joffrey, blond? Uh oh.
Speaking of uh oh, Viserys finally overstayed his welcome with the Dothraki. Fed up with Khal Drogo’s refusal to provide him with an army, he drunkenly holds a sword to his sister’s stomach. Khal Drogo plays it cool, and promises Viserys a golden crown if he spares her life. This placates Viserys, who drops his guard, and is swiftly seized by Drogo’s men. Since the Dothraki can’t use swords within their sacred city, Drogo decides to do the next best thing, pouring molten gold on Viserys’ head. Daenerys seems less than upset about her now-dead brother’s crown, commenting that a true dragon would have been able to withstand the heat.
Since I’m lucky enough to have HBO Go, I’ve already seen next week’s episode. If you like violence and lesbian sex, you’re gonna love it. But unfortunately, the gifs will have to wait until next Monday.