The show follows in the asinine tradition of Bravo‘s reality “post shows,” which usually involve a contemptible ‘Housewife’ attempting to explain why she came across as such an awful person. But given the fact that The Walking Dead is a scripted drama rather than a reality show, what can possibly be gained from recapping it? Apparently, the answer is nothing.

The inaugural episode featured comedian Patton Oswalt, Dawn of the Dead (remake) screenwriter James Gunn, and creator of The Walking Dead comic, Robert Kirkman. In all fairness, they did the most with what they were given. Unfortunately, what they were “given” were recycled clips and asinine questions, and “the most” they could do was make smart ass remarks. What type of response can be expected from questions like “why do you think the zombies were traveling in packs?” Because that’s what the script said they should do, ass hat.

That’s not to place all the blame on host Chris Hardwick. Considering the guests of the show had nothing to do with the episode, what was he supposed to ask? “So, you like zombies, eh? Neat!”

I did find it fitting that Subway bought ad time on the show, which featured a behind-the-scenes look at a zombie being disemboweled. Nothing says “eat fresh” like a walker’s rotten lower intestine. But ironic advertising aside, there wasn’t much to enjoy. If I want to spend 30 minutes watching clips from a show I just sat through, I’ll just use my DVR.

Editor’s note: Thank you to the commenters who pointed out my error on James Gunn. And I thank them a second time for not being dicks about it.

Two stories share equal time in “Sweet Dee Gets Audited”: Dee needs to prove she has a baby to the IRS, and the balance of the crew pursues a more orderly manner of conducting the bar business. Even when they reach their fever pitch, both stories come no closer than tangential to one another, offering some hilarious throwaway gags in the absence of any real plot in this episode besides the whole “Dee better produce a baby for the IRS” affair.

The cold open begins with Charlie revealing that he is putting rocks in the urinals because the ice machine is broken. (An aside: I understand Paddy’s is a crappy bar, but come on, there has to be an ice machine.) Then the ceiling leaks on to Dennis’ face, causing everyone to wonder what Frank is doing with the money earmarked for repairs.

Without spending too much time rehashing what is essentially a great excuse for the boys to do some batshit crazy things for no particular reason, here’s a breakdown of what these dueling plotlines boil down to:

The gang lobbies for a democracy among the bar owners, which Frank shoots down because they get too emotional and angry about everything. Unsurprisingly, Mac and Charlie spend the rest of the episode getting really emotional about stupid things like the dead dog in the alley and whether or not there should be a crucifix in the bar (Mac says yes, Charlie says no), how large the crucifix should be (Charlie says small, Mac says enormous), and how much blood should be on the crucifix (Charlie says not much, Mac says tons). Sure the whole arc is a gag to get them to argue, but I’m pretty fine with that after the past few plot-driven episodes.

Frank, to no one’s surprise, admits he’s embezzling from the bar, using accounts with fake vendors like Wolf Cola to hide money.

Mac and Charlie try to keep emotion out of their argument of what to do with the dead alley dog and end up sounding like kids with head wounds giving book reports.

Dee spends most of the episode sweating (literally) her confrontation with the IRS, stuck with having to produce sweet baby Barnabus in order to support her deductions. Realizing that she has to produce a baby by 3 PM, she turns to Mac and Charlie for help, who insist that such a request will be no problem.

It’s unclear why they are still courting Dee’s lime vote, considering Charlie wants big and Mac wants small, but for some reason they continue working in tandem to get Dee her “baby.”

Realizing that she can’t produce a baby for the IRS, Dennis suggests that rather than try to prove the baby is alive, that Dee prove it’s dead.

With a baby funeral.

For a fake baby.

It doesn’t really pop in the context of the show, but it’s hard to imagine anything more dark or twisted than a funeral for a fake baby. It’s also a testament to Sunny that they can incorporate it into the show with not so much as a raised eyebrow. It’s only in retelling the scene that I realize how completely morally bankrupt it is.

Caitlin Olsen’s physical comedy chops once again rate an A+ during her attempted fake eulogy with real chili pepper in her eyes. I don’t believe she’s actually in pain, but she does make me laugh.

The baby is revealed to be the dead alley dog, Dee is up shit creek without a paddle, and the gang unanimously agrees to go back to the old, chaotic way of doing things. This begs the question, “What’s to become of Dee and her IRS problems?”

Next week, my children. Next week.

Questions/Observations:

I started this list thinking that there wouldn’t be much to report, but the casual nature of this episode lent itself to lots of great throwaway gags that certainly warrant mentioning. 

• How did they not give Dee more shit for her scooter?
• Mac is still wearing Tommy Bahama shirts. I’m praying this will close the book on them, but I fear there isn’t much overlap between Tommy Bahama shirt wearers and Sunny viewers.
• Charlie has no idea what to do with his hands while stating his “dead dog” case.
• Lime thickness is a hot-button issue at Paddy’s, in case you thought they didn’t pay attention to detail there.
• It’s a real treat to watch Mac and Charlie get delighted at the notion of “compromise” for the first time.
• Barnabus is two crucifixes and a tape player. Seems about right.
• Why exactly is Mac so passionate about the crucifix? Does it have anything to do with his fierce defense of Charles Grodin? I feel like it might.
• Dee’s eyes bleeding with all the discussion of the crucifix seemed to be a little harder than Sunny normally works for a joke. I think I liked it, but it was a departure.

Quotes:

• “You guys all better eat a dick, cause Sweet Dee beat the system” (said right before the system takes a giant deuce right on Dee’s head)
• “Letters? What is it, 1986? I don’t do letters, lady. I’m all digital.”
• “Reason will prevail!”
• “No, just a short-term baby”
• “Pickles will prevail!”
• I laughed out loud (a rare occurrence) when Mac was asked how big he wanted the crucifix and he responded, “Big…I want it to dominate every conversation.”
• “People don’t trust you, Frank. You’re a piece of shit. And you’re ugly.” It’s funny cause it’s true.
• “I just want the money. And the illusion of power. And puss.”
• “Wolf Cola. It’s the right cola…for closure.”

• Frank falls over, bloodies up his nose (graphic violence, gore)
• The gang laughs at his tumble (delight in the misfortune of others)
• Frank explains how he met a man at a titty bar who convinced him to invest in a beauty pageant, which he did, only to find that the pageant is embroiled in scandal due to sexual harassment allegations (failed or troubled harebrained get-rich-quick scheme, indicative of consistently bad decision-making)
• The “contestants” enter the bar, at which time we find out that it’s a pageant for little girls, and that the man who sexually harassed them is clearly a pedophile (the depraved reveal)

And we’re off.

This episode has all the trappings to really revisit what the gang is made of. Less than two minutes in to the episode and I’m giddy with excitement over the opportunities this storyline presents. Sunny lies pretty far away from “satirical” on the spectrum, but the show absolutely thrives when it is tenuously tied to a social issue. Perhaps it’s the over-the-top actions of the gang that reveal the absurdity of both the characters and the principals at hand, but, for whatever reason, it’s episodes like “The Gang Gets Racist,” “Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City,” “Dennis and Dee Go On Welfare,” and “The Gang Exploits the Gas Crises” all have proven to be among the show’s elite half-hours.

Off the bat, we see the factions start to form. Frank wants to salvage his investment without forfeiting his already-dicey reputation. Dee begins to reminisce about her modeling days, to the predictable mockery of the rest of the gang. Charlie cracks an egg of knowledge on us about how child pageants are woven int the American fabric (God, I love Charlie). Dennis is creeped out by the whole affair. And Mac…well, Mac’s really fat, and that’s plenty for now.

Remarkably, Charlie’s speech wins over the whole group, who decide that parading little made up girls in an exercise in “freedom” as much as it is anything else. So, as quickly as it began, it’s over. The gang, in the name of patriotism, will host a children’s beauty pageant.

“USA! USA! USA!”

The gang seems unsettlingly unified at this point, which is perhaps the most ominous aspect of this whole plan. Let’s see where the hell this united front takes us.

With Frank and Dee speaking to the contestants and their parents, Charlie, Mac, and Dennis are working on a musical number, with Charlie leading the show. Before the trio of composers can agree on a note, they decide that their involvement in the pageant and presence on-stage is a foregone conclusion. Like there was any doubt.

After a visit from child services, the gang realizes they have nothing to fear or hide, and the show must go on, so we immediately cut to Charlie in “musical director” mode, which is easily one of the 13 best modes Charlie can be in.

Dear God, I could fill up the whole recap with quotes from this scene, but it simply wouldn’t do them justice. Suffice it to say, when Charlie sides with Samantha, much as he did with some of the teens in “Underage Drinking: A National Problem,” we get gold.

Ok. One quick exchange:

“Samantha’s mean!”
“Samantha gets to be mean! Because Samantha is a star!”

At this point, it’s pretty clear that the big payout is going to be the pageant itself, so until that time, it looks like we’ll be killing some time with some set-up scenes that serve to tell us where we are headed, but are pretty funny nonetheless. We’ve got:

Dee getting schooled by Samantha during lunch;

Fat Mac wheezing his way through lunch;

The dandy boy who, contrary to the fellas’ first impressions, isn’t being forced into the competition at all,

And, after getting served by Samantha, Dee takes ugly duckling Justine under her wing to dethrone Samantha.

The scenarios are set-up, so let’s go to the back half of the episode to watch the gang knock them down. They arrive at the school theater for the pageant to find Frank done up in corpse makeup (compliments of a creepy mortician) to hide his battered grill. With Artemis sternly and stoically asking the audience to “give me a beat” during “America, The Beautiful,” the pageant is underway. And how!

With Mac, Dennis, and Dee busting moves onstage, and what we can only assume is a white-shoed Charlie a-tappin’ his foot, it becomes pretty clear what this pageant is really about. The gang wants to put on another musical. After a variety show-style intro from Charlie, Frank painfully oversells the innocence of the whole affair, introducing the contestants “that he isn’t attracted to at all” while wearing the previously mentioned corpse makeup. Of course, all the good-behavior from the gang begins to get squandered the moment Frank unintentionally broadcasts a private conversation he has about banging corpses.

The audience’s attention is quickly shifts from Franks desire to be “filled with cream” after he dies when the cops bust in to arrest Walter, who is, as we assumed, a pedophile.

The gang hastily decides that although pageants are an American tradition, they aren’t a proud one, names Samantha the winner, then storm out the door, having learned no lessons and built no bonds.

Kudos to Sunny on this one for reminding us that the Dee, Mac, Dennis, and Charlie don’t have to be total assholes in order to be funny.

Questions/Observations:

• Caitlin Olsen’s improv and acting chops really come out in select few moments and the 180 she turns when asked if she is “in charge” by the child services representative is one such moment.
• At what point did you realize that Frank was going to spend the rest of the episode with a mangled and bloody face? I got it at 6:48 when they told him to lay down and put some ice on it.
• The entire episode, I felt like Walter, the child services guy was a looming pedophile. Turns out I was right. Kiss the ring!
• I’m pretty bummed I’m already used to Fat Mac.
• Franks dry-mouthed buddy backstage almost had me raising my hand with the gang, wondering what the shit that was about.
• Artemis!
• Fat Mac is pretty awesome in a tight turtleneck.
• The gang seems to have an uncanny knowledge of Vaudeville and pageantry. I would hire them if they weren’t such bastards.
• Since I can’t single out one thing, I enjoyed every single f*ckin’ part of the boy’s performance. It was like Usher meets Gaga meets gay little boy with fake abs sketched on him.
• I love the cut to Frank, face down ready to be cuffed when the cops enter.

Quotes:

• “You just loaded up that train with coal, and now it’s ready to tear down the tracks. That was inspiring as hell.”
• “I’m not gonna diddle your kids…I met that guy in a titty bar.”
• “I don’t see professionals. I see amateurs. I see trash. Little pieces of trash.”
• “You’re the meanest girl in the world!”
• “She’s a stupid shitmouth bitch.”
• “I’m gonna go get high before the show.”
• “A big humongous pain in my vuhhhhh-gina, MOMS ARE UGLY!”
• “Mr. Gorbechav, tear down this wall!”
• “If I was dead you could bang me all you want.”

Let’s start out with Confessions: Animal Hoarding. This show is basically Intervention, except instead of “helping” people who are addicted to drugs, it “helps” people who are addicted to kitty cats. Last night we followed Mike, a chef whose small home had been overrun with cats to the point where his wife had left and he was forced to live in a camper. Keep in mind, this was not some elaborate scheme to get rid of the wife. Watching a man shoveling cat excrement off his kitchen floor is bad enough, but knowing he’s a member of the food service industry made it even more disturbing.

Then we have X Factor. From what I can tell, there are only two differences between this show and American Idol. First off, the black guy is skinnier and doesn’t say “dog.” Second, rather than having the auditions in a private room with the judges, they take place in a stadium filled with thousands of people. That might not seem like a big deal until you watch an elderly couple making fools of themselves in front of a live audience. For example, Dan and Venita, who are a combined age of 153. The people in charge of picking the contestants saw fit to wave this couple through to the judges table so that they could do this on national television…

Classy.

But X Factor doesn’t stop with the elderly. Why should it when there is so much fresh meat available in the form young children. For example, there was 13-year-old Rachel Crow who the press is already gushing about. Sure, I guess she’s “adorable.” But I’ll bet the adorableness wears off in about five years once Hollywood has spit her out and she’s turning tricks for crank in the Ralph’s parking lot on Sunset. But hey, maybe she can keep the fame-train going with a stint on Intervention. Circle of life, ya know?

Two years 'til rehab!

To be clear, both shows are awful, and both shows take advantage of their subjects. But at the end of the day, at least Confessions: Animal Hoarding supposedly helps the people involved, and they manage to do it without the pseudo-inspirational top-40 soundtrack. Mike the cat-hoarding chef ended up with a therapist and a clean house. All Dan and Venita got was humiliated.

Yes, X Factor’s contestants chose to be on TV. No one is holding a gun to their heads, although I imagine quite a few of them have probably held guns to their own heads. And in all fairness, the winner of X Factor will get a $5 million recording contract, not to mention their own Pepsi ad. As Paula Abdul pointed out, “To have a commercial is above and beyond any wild dream that any artist could have.”

Even so, I’d rather watch a guy swim in cat poop than sit through X Factor ever again.

But last night Charlie didn’t come back to the show because he’s dead. His girlfriend said he got hit by a train and exploded like a balloon full of meat. But they didn’t show him get hit by the train, which is stupid cause it would have been hilarious to see him explode all over like meat. All they showed was his funeral, and then they spilled his ashes everywhere, and that was pretty funny too, but not as funny as an explosion of meat.

Later on after the funeral, a new guy came to live with Alan and Jake named Walden. Walden is the guy from those camera commercials. My dad says Walden used to be on a show that was kind of funny, but now he’s an idiot for marrying an old lady. My dad got really mad when he sad it, and kept saying bad words and how stupid Walden is for marrying the old lady cause now she’s really old, and Walden’s stuck with her when he could be with any other girl he wanted because he’s rich. Then dad said “turn this shit off” and threw a beer bottle against the wall, so I went to watch the rest of the show in the basement.

I didn’t like Walden, because I miss Charlie, but then Walden had sex with two pretty ladies at the same time. It was really cool and funny, and Alan was all like “Whaaaaat?” and Jake was like “Awesome!” I don’t think Walden is that bad, but Charlie was better. Also, Walden is really rich for some reason , and he’s sleeping in Charlie’s room now.

I can’t wait for next week’s episode, because the preview showed this girl with really big boobs, and Walden was looking at her, and then he got embarrassed from looking at the boobs and fell down and I laughed really hard. Two and a Half Men is my favorite show.

In case we had forgotten about the types of people we’re dealing with at Paddy’s, the cold open reminds us in short order. We begin with Dee and Charlie on the phone, ordering a pit bull intended to bite people so that patrons may leave Paddy’s with a “great story.” Naturally, this marketing tool is met with skepticism by Dennis, who quickly abandons any effort to dissuade them, eventually just stating, “I DON’T understand.”

Well, he won’t need to, because that storyline is quickly dropped as Frank walks in, sucking face with a whore. Andddddddd, we’re off with our A-story. Frank declares, after pounding two shots of Jameson, “I’m gonna make that whore my wife.”

Sunny certainly has a way with making despicable characters uniquely despicable, and Frank’s whore Roxy is no exception. While she may appear to be your run-of-the-mill drunk whore, she has a language all alone, often referring to people in her presence with colorful phallic imagery, such as “cocks” or “dicks.” Frank wants her to stop banging other dudes (including, apparently, Tiger Woods), and the only way that’s going to happen is if he takes the plunge.

The gang eventually decides that they need to go all Pretty Woman on Roxy and clean her up a bit. But not quite yet, because Mac comes strutting in plus his 50 pounds of “bulk” (fat), eating a chimichanga, and his new carriage doesn’t not escape the group’s notice.

Dennis ascertains that with Frank’s devotion to a whore and a Mac’s gluttony, the gang has lost their way. He decides to help Mac restore his form and health of earlier days, while Dee is tasked with turning Roxy into less of a disgusting whore. While Frank and Charlie are doing whatever it is Frank and Charlie do (boiling found denim from under a bridge), they decide to try and find Frank a woman who will love him for who he is. Tall order.

Dee quickly gets the impression that, despite the rough façade, Roxy may be living a glamorous life, as she is able to stand up to snotty boutique salespeople by flashing a wad of cash in their face. No sooner does Dee start fawning than Roxy has to go meet a client, Mr. Tiger Woods. But not before she has to dig some crack rocks out of her ass.

While Dee tries to determine what the hell is going on with this semi-glamorous whore, we get to revisit a never-fail gag Sunny gag: Charlie incognito. He’s back in character as the Texas oilman, which we haven’t seen since season 4’s transcendental “The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis,” while Frank is a limo driver hoping to benefit from a bait-and-switch with a kind lady who has no idea what she’s in for.

As Charlie’s plan is to bow out gracefully to Frank with “a touch of consumption,” he oversells the ailment a bit by projectile vomiting mercilessly on the unsuspecting women for what felt like a good 70 or 80 minutes. She doesn’t stick around to be consoled, and we’re left with a sight gag that is over-the-top (and hilarious) even by Sunny standards.

One downside to the approach the premiere has taken is that very little humor is drawn for the minds and personalities of the characters. While sight gags abound, the characters seem to take break from being themselves. Sure, Mac is still oblivious, Dennis vain, and Charlie enthusiastic and misguided, but the characters seem to be more conduits for physical humor than the folks we’ve spent the last seven or so years with. However, after last year’s flat “Mac Fights Gay Marriage,” perhaps they felt inclined to lead with a more surefire approach. It works for an episode, but let’s hope they get back to the paradigm that takes the show from good to great.

In the final act, bows are placed on the three duo’s storylines as Dee learns that Roxy’s life is every bit as awful as one would assume, but doesn’t pass up an offer to make $500 from a foot fetishist, beginning her transformation to sassy hooker-woman. Dennis embraces Mac’s devil-may-care attitude, gorging on chimichangas until he decides that what he really wants is some crack, which he can get from Roxy. Frank goes through with his proposal, only to watch Roxy die in response to his question. The gang lays her in the hall, makes an anonymous 911 call, and we realize that Frank was right; people don’t really change.

Dead hookers, projectile vomiting, and a grossly fat Mac. Yup, it’s a new season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Thank God for the educational intros like the one Drop Dead Diva features. From the quick rundown, I’m able to deduce that this Lifetime show is a story about a model who gets killed, only to get a second chance at living on Earth as Jane, a fat attorney with fabulous girlfriends and a guardian angel, Fred, who appears to be gay. But I don’t want to presume anything, even though, seriously, he looks pretty gay. (I find out later that he’s probably not gay.)

Let’s blow through a recap of the show so that we know what we’re up against here. 

The episode starts off with Jane walking into the kitchen to find her roommate chopping a banana, upon which the trajectory of the episode is quickly divulged.

Jane went on a date with a judge to the beach and had a wonderful time, even learning to “pull the judge’s tiller” which is a sailing term, but also sounds like jerking a dude off. Thanks, Sex and the City, for making sexual puns in women’s programming de rigueur. And thanks, women, for allowing it to happen.

We also learn at this time that CiCi (C.C.? CeeeeeeCeeeeee?), Jane’s roommate, kissed a guy that gave her a ride home from the Entertainment Weekly party (FABULOUS!) even though she’s involved with someone. So we’ve gotten the storyline primed and pumped at the 1:40 mark. Good to get those out of the way. The Wire, this ain’t.

While the opening credits continue to roll, we find that Jane must broker a meeting between a partner at her law firm and his jilted, violent ex. She also drops a reference to expensing Katie Perry tickets, which is something that I can totally related to because, OMG Katy Perry.

Some hot girl named Kim steps into a church for reasons unimportant only to find that the new minister is a total Bladwin. Do people still call hot guys Baldwins? I’m pretty sure they do. Oh. The hot minister is a single dad who lost his wife. Because that’s not cliché.

Cut to Jane brokering the peace between the partner and his ex. But before we get there, it should be noted that the partner is an old white dude, and the ex is Brandi. Yup. Brandi. He politely denies the request to represent her and pushes her out on the office, but Jane comes to sympathize with the ex (Brandi!)

All of this is revealed within the first four minutes or so of the show. 

Click ‘Next Page’ to continue…

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As we begin, Ryan has stopped smoking pot, found a date via an online dating service, and is now trying to tidy up the house. This causes Wilfred some anxiety, since all the hair he left on the basement floor is now missing. Things only gets worse when the vacuum is brought out.

Later, during a trip to the park for a Yoga class, Wilfred stops for a moment to enjoy the bouquet of smells available to him.

Meanwhile, while talking to his sister, Ryan notices a strange man who seems to be watching his every move. Later, the man in question, Bruce (Dwight Yoakam), makes contact with Ryan again, claiming that he is also able to hear Wilfred’s speech. Apparently, he and Wilfred used to have a similar friendship, until Wilfred eventually ruined his life by poking holes in his condoms.

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The show began with a similar shot in the back of a refrigerated truck. In fact, for a moment I thought I was watching a rerun. But soon enough, I realized that Mike was nowhere to be found, and two hired goons has taken his place. That’s lucky for Mike.

As expected, the cartel attacks the truck, killing the driver. But unlike their previous attempt, they weren’t taking any chances. Rather than opening the doors and risking a bullet to the face, the henchmen decided to reroute the truck’s exhaust into the trailer, lock the doors, and wait for anyone inside to expire.

And despite the fact that they had no trouble wasting the driver, the cartel thugs weren’t about to let the driver’s lunch go to waste.

Wilfred: “Said the man to the dog.”

That pretty much sums up last night’s episode of Wilfred, which deals with the root of Ryan’s “mental problems.” True, there were two episodes last night, but I’m gif recapping “Compassion.” Why? Because that’s the one I watched.

The episode begins as it usually does, with Jenna having to leave Wilfred with Ryan for some contrived reason or another. Even Ryan remarks that she sure does travel a lot. This week, she’s going to Vegas to try and patch things up with her boyfriend. Wilfred is unhappy at the prospect of being alone, especially since he’s been forced to wear a cone because he won’t stop biting at his “hot spot.”

Meanwhile, Ryan has received a call from a mental institution in Ojai, CA, where his mother, Catherine, is a resident. Apparently, she was checked into the facility for observation, but decided to stay for 20 years, a fact that still haunts Ryan. Wilfred is also unimpressed with the prospect of meeting Ryan’s mom because he has a problem with menopausal women. He’d much rather run around and threaten to kill ducks.

Once inside, Ryan discovers that his mom, played by Mary Steenburgen, wishes to transition back into the society, and needs a place to stay. At first, Ryan and Wilfred are both reluctant, but once Catherine is able to sooth Wilfred’s hot spot, the dog convinces his master to bring her home.

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Walt

With Jesse in trouble, Walt sprung into action, racing down to Los Pollos Hermanos to confront Gus. Unfortunately, Gus was nowhere to be found, and Walt was helpless to save his friend.

Back at the lab, Jesse’s absence was undeniable. Walt might be a whiz at cooking meth, but he’s a novice at operating heavy machinery.

As time wore on, frustration finally boiled over, and Walt refused to work, claiming the job was a two man operation. But rather than relent and produce Jesse, Gus simply sent one of his cronies to help Walt.

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That’s not to say that last night’s episode was bad or devoid of story. And I’m not suggesting that the show should insert violence for violence’s sake. I’m just saying that is was relatively calm for a show about drug dealers.

Jesse Pinkman

Things are not going well for Jesse Pinkman. At work, he assures Walt that everything is going fine, and even suggests that the two hit up the Go Kart track to let off some steam. When Walt declines, Jesse goes alone, but doesn’t seem to enjoy himself all that much, unless, of course, you feel that driving around a track while screaming in rage is enjoyable.

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As has been the case from day one, Ryan is still infatuated with Jenna. When the episode begins, he is admiring her from afar while she sunbathes in her yard. His creepy leering is interrupted by the entrance of Drew, Jenna’s meathead boyfriend from Wisconsin. As Wilfred is quick to point out, Drew carries Jenna off “like a Viking on a rape quest.”

While Ryan may not like the fact that Jenna is dating Drew, it’s Wilfred who seems the most upset. As such, he constantly hounds (get it) Ryan about getting Drew out of the picture, going as far as to Skype Ryan while Drew and Jenna are having sex with the hope that it will make him jealous.

But as you’ll see in the following Gif Recap, that peace was quickly shattered, and we learned just how troubled Walt, Mike, and Jesse really are. For example, Walt has become completely paranoid, and chastises his wife for leaving mundane phone messages involving completely legal business plans. Not to mention the fact that he is now packing an unregistered handgun, and has taken to practicing his draw. Clearly Gus has gotten inside his head.

Jesse, on the other hand, is retreating from the real world. He’s using his ill-gotten gains to make useless purchases, filling his home with over-the-top stereo equipment and robot vacuums. I’m not exactly an expert in the field of psychology, but I think it’s going to take more than just a Roomba to help Jesse forget that he murdered a man in cold blood.

And then there’s Mike. He’s dealing with things the same way he seems to have been dealing with them for years: sitting at a shithole bar and drinking alone.

The season premiere of Breaking Bad begins with our old friend and meth-lab assistant Gale Boetticher wielding a box cutter. Given the season 3 finale, which saw Jesse shooting(?) Gale in cold blood, we can immediately assume we are witnessing a flash back to a happier time…a time when Gale still had the back of his skull intact.

During the course of the flashback, Gale gleefully sets up his new lab. He looks like a kid in a candy store, and boasts about how the equipment would be at home with any of the larger pharmaceutical companies. But when the topic turns to Walter White‘s meth, the boasting comes to a halt, and Gale humbly admits to Gus that his own product is nowhere near the purity of their competitor’s. The admission seems almost pathetic, considering we know that Gale has just inadvertently signed his own death warrant.

Flash forward to the present day. Jesse has just shot Gale in the face, and concerned neighbors are milling about outside the apartment, waiting for police to arrive. Victor arrives instead, and confirms that his employer’s scientist has been killed.

Yes, Amnesia Eric is drunk as a skunk.  He zips around at vampire speed, pinches Sookie’s butt and runs off into the sun after attempting to bite her.

Very interesting to note that even wasted, Eric says he’ll never hurt her.  After attempting to find Eric and failing, Sookie calls in her knight in shining…um…silver fur?   It’s Alcide to the rescue.

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So, let me pause a moment here.  Is anyone else feeling like this season’s official poster is wildly accurate?  Sookie is all about flirting with all her admirers…equally.  Not sure how I’m feeling about that.  Nothing wrong with it, but it’s making her seem a bit wishy washy.  I mean, I get how mind-numbingly hot these three men are, but she just seems to be floating through it.  Please let me know your feelings in the comments.

After Pam dresses down King Bill after being grilled about where Eric is, we head over to Hotshot for one of the most disturbing story lines ever.

Poor Jason is still tied to the bed and he’s being raped by woman after woman.  The one he shoves off says that her brother/husband…brother, husband!…just bites her on the back of the neck and holds her down until it’s over when he screws her.  She cries and says Jason is the best she’s ever had and yells, ”next.”  Then they send in a little girl.  Jason convinces her to let him go and she does.  But…I have to say this here.  I was more than a little disturbed by my own (and my viewing companions’) reaction to this scene.  It’s awful.  It’s gross.  I’m also fully aware that if it was a woman in that same situation, I’d be even more horrified.  I really hope the writers let Jason experience the aftermath of mass rape the way they would with a female character.  Please weigh in below.  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Over at Castle Bill, Nan is trying to find out what happened to Eric.  We see exactly how hardcore Nan is here as she dismisses Salem as a bunch of puritans who needed to get laid.  The real info here though is about a massacre that happened 400 years ago in Spain “by a single witch with a reason to hate vampires.”  She says that necromancers aren’t they same as they used to be.  I’m wondering if she was involved.  In fact, I’m wondering why she’s so single minded.  I’m dying to find out her history.

In Marnie’s store, she’s deep in a dream…of the Spanish Massacre.  A powerful witch is being burned at the stake while clergy joke about how to torture her.  Marnie witnesses the entire thing and learns a chant from the witch…who is the woman possessing her.  Uh oh.  Powerful witch with a “reason to hate vampire” possessing a powerful witch in the present.  I’m sure we’re going to get more info on this one.  Did anyone else notice the hooded figure?  Vampire?  And can anyone figure out what the chant translates too?

Where to begin. Oh, right! With a grown man in a dog costume wiping his ass on the rug.

In an attempt to get Wilfred to stop wiping has ass on everything, Ryan buys a squirt gun to use as punishment. Although Wilfred hates being squirted, he continues his bad behavior, citing the fact that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Meanwhile, Ryan’s sister has sprained her ankle, forcing him to take care of her. This means Wilfred will have to start going to doggie daycare. Ed Helms guest stars in the role he was born to play: a creepy doggie daycare owner who rubs peanut butter on his crotch for dogs to lick off.

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Sookie, sitting in her car, has no idea why the shirtless Eric is playing games with her. When he tries to attack her, she flees the car, punches him in the face (woohoo!) and says, ‘I am not your f*cking dinner!”  And this is why we love Sookie.

Eric, after explaining that he has no idea who he is, starts speaking in the same language that Marnie cursed him in.  (Anyone know if that is the language from his homeland?  I suspect it is.)  He remembers flashes of Marnie, her alter ego and the witches stripping his memory. Sookie agrees to help him with his little issue (and really, how could you resist that lost puppy thing he has going on?) but sets the ground rules.  No touching, no biting.  Yeah, cause that is going to stick.

Back at the Goddess Emporium, everyone fusses over Marnie and her vampire bite, which, she says, ”hurt.”  Duh.  (I believe ”duh” was her subtext.)  Tara (still loving her this season since she’s not running around like a chicken with its head cut off and howling) and Lafayette argue about who’s sh*t is more freaked out.  When someone suggests they call the police, Lafayette states the real reason everyone is on edge in the town.  There is really nothing anyone can do to stop the vampires. Not a damn thing.  They can take out cops, they can kill you in a second.  Really, what Marnie did is the only thing that might be effective.  Now, while the witches try to make this into a religious war, Marnie says something that I bet a lot of people will miss.  ”He came in here, uninvited.”  Well, that’s not entirely true, crazy Marnie.  His Grace King Bill’s little sex toy/mole did.  Hmm…

Over in Hotshot (is this anyone else’s least favorite storyline?) poor chewed up Jason is still chained to the bed while creepy daddy/uncle/brother or something talks about the first were-panthers, Ghost Mama and Ghost Daddy.  (Remember last week, we got some info on the mythology of Luna’s people about shape shifters?  There may be a quiz in your future.)  It seems that the sky people (assuming that means the people of the big three religions) turned people away from nature.  Ghost Mama and Ghost Daddy spoke to the panther and said they didn’t want any part in that.  The giant kitty ate them, let them soak up his magic (is that the same as stomach acid?) and barfed them out.  Voila!  Were-panthers.  Back in Jason’s room, Crystal swears that she’s not going to let him die once he turns and points out how ”purty” he is to her sister/cousin/creepy child.

Cut to a terrible YouTube video made by a bunch of kids, trying to convince America that vampires are a real threat.  Ya think?  They have a website full of them at vamps-kill.com, which of course is a real viral site.  Check it out if you need some bad acting.

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Speaking of fear, that’s also the title of this week’s episode. Specifically, it refers to Ryan’s fear of his motorcycle-riding neighbor, Spencer (Ethan Suplee). In the first episode, Ryan and Wilfred broke into Spencer’s home, stole his weed, and crapped in his boots. Now Ryan fears Spencer is on to him. He also suspects Spencer of vandalizing the home of an Indian couple down the street.

Disgusted by all of Ryan’s fear, Wilfred encourages him to stand up for himself against the bully. He also encourages him to show his dominance by means of anal rape. This doesn’t go over too well with Ryan, who just wants to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately that option is off the table, since Wilfred admits to having left Ryan’s wallet at the scene of the crime.

Rather than being forced to face his fears, Ryan lies his way out of the confrontation by claiming he was also a victim of the robbers, and they must have dropped his wallet at Spencer’s. The plan seems to work, but backfires when Spencer takes a liking to Ryan, and insists that the two spend time bonding over beer and Internet porn. After all, there’s nothing cooler than two guys getting “rock hard” together.

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We start off with Jason, tied up on a bed.  If you recall last week’s episode, our hunky cop was trying to take care of the people of Hotshot while Crystal was away and got knocked into a cooler with some rotting lettuce heads.  When he wakes, his head wound is being licked by one of the kids.  Puppies can be so cute!  They try to free him, but in walks Crystal’s disgusting excuse for a boyfriend, threatening his life.  If only she were here…

”Your blood tastes like freedom, Sookie.  Like sunshine in a pretty blond bottle.”  This may be the line of the night.  Eric, who showed up in Sookie’s room last week while she was naked and told her how wonderful it is when reality matches your imagination explains that he owns her house and she can’t kick him out.  Sookie’s blood, if you remember, allows vampires to go into the sunlight without ending up looking like one of those overcooked potato chips that find their way to the bottom of every bag.  Eric wants to claim Sookie as his so no one can hurt her.  She’s not too thrilled having just been through that with King Bill.  Eric explains that there are two Sookies.  One thinks she’s just human and the other is beginning to realize that she’s better than that.  She counters with that, when she does, does Eric think her legs are going to magically open for him?  Saucy.   He leaves, promising to fix her broken door.

King Bill gets some information about Marnie raising a dead bird from his little mole/witch, who has clearly been giving him more than just info.  He decides to use her as a human Slurpie.  One wonders if witches taste different like fairies do.

Meanwhile at Fangtasia, Pam, Hoyt and Jessica are facing a group of Light of Day protesters.  Hoyt goes to defend his fanged lady.  Pam tries to stop them from bothering the people using their ”constitutional rights to be f*cking idiots” when Hoyt smacks one of them in the kisser for calling Jessica a fanged whore.  Pam has to restrain Jessica while Hoyt gets the bejezzus kicked out of him, saying,  ”Technology has taken all the fun out of being a vampire.”  The AVL wouldn’t be happy to hear that someone got a vampire attack on video, you know.

In the woods, naked Sam and naked Luna (that happene faster this week, didn’t it?) flirt after running around as horses.  Sam tries to move in for a kiss after asking to hear more about her, but it seems Luna has a secret.  She gallops off without saying what it is.

Sookie used to be able to head over to Bill’s house without a problem.  When she tries that nowadays, she’s stopped by armed guards.  And no, it’s not because he’s busy having sex with a witch in his bedroom, which he is.  It’s because he’s now the King of Louisana.  His house reflects the change.  It’s all extra fancy now, with bear skin rugs and a fireplace.  When she walks into the bedroom, Katerina is still putting her clothes back on.  Bill introduces her as ”part of his security” and then kicks her out.  Classy.

Over at Jesus and Layfayette’s house, the talk is all about that not-dead bird.  Jesus doesn’t believe it’s black magic because he doesn’t think it exists.  Um, Jesus, you live in Bon Temps.  I really don’t think it’s safe to think anything doesn’t exist.  You just saw a dead bird fly around a room.  Really, he’s just blaming the bad witches for using magic for bad purposes and says that Lafayette is all light.  I love this couple and I can’t say that enough.  But if Jesus really loves Lafayette, he’ll make him cut off that rat-tail.

Back at the king’s mansion, Sookie asks for Bill’s help keeping Eric away.  She starts to ask him about how he became king, but before he can answer, she reconsiders, saying that every time she found out something about him when they were together, she ended up wishing she didn’t know it.  We flash back to London in the eighties.  Bill is in a punk club discussing the hated Prime Minister Thatcher with a bartender.  Aw, eighties Bill almost makes me miss that decade.  Almost.

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We begin with Ryan relaxing in his back yard, cyber-stalking an ex-girlfriend on his iPad, when Wilfred comes crashing through the fence with an ax.

When confronted about his behavior, the dog turns the tables on Ryan, convincing him that his real anger stems from his inability to be happy in a relationship, and his habit of finding excuses to dump his girlfriends. Ryan dumped the girl from his iPad after she touched his ass without asking, claiming he would never be able to put a ring on her finger.

From there, the topic turns to matters of trust and loyalty. Wilfred claims that Ryan could never be as loyal as a dog. When Ryan protests, he is asked to put his money where his mouth is, proving his loyalty by taking his new friend to the beach. Despite his reluctance, Ryan concedes, and ends up with a $300 ticket. Wilfred, who is thrilled with the opportunity to kill pelicans and bother beach goers, thinks it is money well spent.

Once his anger over the ticket subsides, Ryan and Wilfred end up having a great day at Venice Beach. They check out girls, go for a bike ride, and even hit up one of the many medical marijuana dispensaries.

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Now, many of you may have seen the first 8 minutes of the season, since it’s been posted just about everywhere.  How many of you found your nose wrinkling and eyebrows lifting by the end, thinking things like, sure, we knew there were fairies at the end of last season, but wow, they live in a shiny place?  Wait…these are evil fairies that feed people fruit that glows.  Hold on, Sookie’s granddaddy Earl is that guy from Office Space?  “I’m going to have to go ahead and ask you to stay in the fairy realm and eat lumieres this Saturday.”  But hey, Stephen Root was on the show too.

Well, we’re certainly in for a change up this season.  Not only is Gary Cole living with the fairies, but Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter is a witch!  I’ll be recapping True Blood for you this summer, and as I’ve said in my earlier pieces, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section.  I read them all and I do respond.  So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let the blood bath begin.

Sookie and her fairy godmother Claudine (who really hasn’t helped very much…I mean, she’s been in mortal danger every other episode for years now) appear in the land of Fairy, where everyone is stunning and dresses like they’re sexy aliens in a episode of classic Star Trek.  Sookie runs into Barry the bellboy and fellow telepath with his male model/fairy godmother. They’re offered glowing fruit of light (sounds like something you’d eat in D&D for a +1 to health or something), which makes our fair lady nervous.  And suddenly she spies…granddaddy Earl, who thinks he’s been hanging with the pretty people for a few hours.  Well, it’s actually been 20 years, granddaddy.

When she tries to communicate telepathically to Earl that this is a big ole trap, Queen Mab (who you may remember from a certain Romeo and Juliet speech) shows up to blame Sookie for letting a vampire into their realm.  You see, fairy blood is like vampire crack and the bloodsuckers almost destroyed the entire fairy race.  You’d think they’d come out with True Blood: Fabulous Fairy Flavor.  They’d make a killing.  Anyway, now they’re harvesting humans and trying to close the portal between realms.  Sookie’s power turns Mab back into her…less moisturized form and transports them to some sort of desert.

Fairies may not be all that attractive when they’re not glamoured, but they can shoot glowing attack balls out of their hands.  One friendly fairy (the brother of Claudine, Sookie’s godmother…which makes him the very, very hot Claude from the books…not seeing it yet) helps Sookie and Earl escape, bringing them to the lip of a portal/canyon.  This is still looking like a Star Trek episode to me.  Anyone else?  While Mab blows balls of fire and starts to collapse the portal, Claude tells them that, only Sookie can go back because she’s on a no glowy fruit diet and he wants to be able to go back to the human world, which used to be theirs too.  They jump…

…and land in a graveyard.  Ah Earl.  We hardly got to make any Office Space jokes before you gave Sookie a watch for Jason and croaked!  But, we finally get to see Eric and Bill…for a second as they realize dessert, I mean Sookie, is back.

And how long has our time traveler been gone?  Remember what happens in Fairy?  Sookie comes home to find her house being repaired.  Jason (in cop clothes, but still hot) tells her she’s been gone thirteen months!  Everyone thought she was dead and her house is up for sale.  Jason doesn’t believe her fairytale (yes, I meant to do that) until she gives him the watch.  He tells her to keep her mouth shut because everyone will think she’s crazy if they learn the truth.  Yes, because a world with vampires and a town that was possessed by a maenad would totally think that fairies were super out there.

And then, at long last, the vampires show up.  Bill is all mopey about the fact that he couldn’t feel her for so long.  Also, everyone thought he killed her.  Eric (drool) shows up and tells Sookie that everyone else lost hope…everyone but him.  (Oh, please weigh in on whether or not you’re Team Eric, Bill or Alcide!)  He leaves, and Sheriff Andy shows up, pissed off that our lady’s disappearance cost him a safe town plaque.  Bill covers for her…anyone else notice that we’re half way in and no one’s gotten naked?  After a tearful goodbye, he leaves.  And we find out that Andy is using V!  Wait, what?

After reviewing, share your thoughts on the show in the comment section. Did you enjoy the absurd premise, or did it wear thin after getting over its initial inventiveness? I’ve never seen the Australian version. If you have, how doe the American version compare? Jason Gann plays the same role (Wilfred), so maybe it was Elijah Wood (Ryan) who rubbed you the wrong way. Feel free to speak openly, LOTR fans. I promise none of this will find its way back to Elijah.

The episode opens with Ryan crafting the perfect suicide note, or at least a draft he can be satisfied with before ending any and all opportunities to revise it. He’s like a tiny, clean-shaven Hemingway, concerned that every single word matters, as it’s a representation of him as a person. Then comes the pounding of the anxiety meds with a nice cough syrup chaser. Now all Ryan has to do is wait.

But the sweet relief of death never comes for Ryan. He only looks like a person who stayed up all night trying to kill themselves. A ring of the doorbell thwarts his attempts. His extremely attractive neighbor (Fiona Gubelmann) asks Ryan if he can watch her dog, Wilfred, while she’s off at work. We get our first introduction to a man in a dog suit, with a dot of black paint on his nose to complete the unsettling picture.

The following 17 Gifs are the bloodiest and boobiest examples I could find from our weekly “Game of Thrones” Gif recaps. If you like what you see, check out our previous entries as well as our Gif Recaps from other shows.

Enjoy…

Jory Cassel Dies

Poor Jory. He shouldn’t have taken his eye off the prize. But at any rate, at least the last thing he saw before the fight was a nice rack (see the next gif).

A Random Blond Prostitute Flashing

http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=216898 I’ve never been big fan of the fantasy genre, but I must admit that “Game of Thrones” has me hooked. And now that the season finale has come and gone, the fact that I have to wait another year to get my fix has me sick to my stomach. It wasn’t my favorite episode of the season, and nothing in it really shocked me, at least not as much as I was anticipating. But in all fairness, I think that has more to do with the quality of the previous episodes. After being kicked in the crotch for the past five weeks, culminating with Ned Stark’s beheading, I’ve been pretty desensitized. Short of Ned’s ghost having sex with The Imp, I was pretty much ready for anything.

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The episode begins right where the previous one had left off. Ned’s bloody head is still being held aloft for all to see, and Yoren is doing his best to spare Arya the sight of it. He pulls her away, takes her in a back alley, and cuts off her hair. His plan is to disguise her as a boy, and take her north with the Night’s Watch “recruits.”

As it turns out, one of the men headed north is King Robert’s bastard blacksmith son who Ned discovered early on in the season. How many bastards are in this show?

If you’ve been wondering what Bran’s three-eyed raven dream was about, wonder no more. The raven has been pointing him to the family crypt, where he’s been seeing visions of his father. Anxious to see what is actually down there, he orders the captured wildling girl to carry him. They are confronted by an angry direwolf belonging to Rickon, the often absent and youngest of the Stark children. It turns out they both boys have been having the same dream, and once they are given the news of their father’s death, they realize why.

At King’s Landing, Joffrey is up to his old tricks, and by old tricks, I mean acting like a complete asshole. After cutting out a tavern musician’s tongue for insulting his mother, he forces Sansa to view her father’s severed head, promising to add her brother Robb’s to the collection.

The girl almost works up the courage to push her future husband off a wall, but unfortunately, The Hound steps in and prevents her from doing so. Even so, Joffrey’s days may be numbered. Because of his idiotic behavior (killing Ned), the Lannisters have lost their main bargaining chip with the Starks. As such, Tywin decides to send Tyrion to act as hand, in order to reign in the boy king.

Meanwhile, Robb has been declared King of the North by his men, who now feel no loyalty to the those who would sit on the Iron Throne. Lady Stark has other matters to attend to. She visits the captured Jaime Lannister, and bashes his head with a rock. He eventually confesses to the attempted murder of Bran, but refuses to divulge his motive.

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We begin with Varys paying another visit to poor Ned Stark, who is still stuck in a dungeon awaiting his fate. Although it’s hard to gauge the motives of a man with no balls, Varys seems to genuinely want to help Ned. His advice is to plead for mercy, and hope that Queen Cersei and the new king will grant him exile with the Night’s Watch. Ned isn’t trilled about the idea, but considers it, if only to spare the lives of his daughters.

Meanwhile, Robb and the men of Winterfell are marching south with the hope of rescuing Ned and the girls. However, to get where they are going, they must first cross the river controlled by Lord Frey, a man they trust so little that they kill any messenger ravens coming from his castle out of fear he may contact the Lannisters.

Because they fear he will take Robb prisoner, Lady Stark heads in to bargain with Frey, who she has known since she was a child. Speaking of children, Lord Frey seems to have a thing for young girls, since he’ taken one as his wife.

The bitter old man only agrees to let the Starks cross in exchange for marrying off his children. Robb is less than thrilled with the prospect of marrying one of the ugly Frey girls, but he has no choice.

Across the narrow sea, things aren’t going well for Khal Drogo. His cut from last week’s episode has become infected, and it is thought that he hasn’t much longer to live.

In a last-ditch effort to save her husband (and her role as Khaleesi), Dany brings in the “doctor” (a.k.a. witch) from last week’s show, who begins to perform a “blood magic” ceremony in which “the dead will dance.” This doesn’t go over well with the others, who generally discourage the dead from dancing in their camp. At any rate, the Khal’s horse is used in the ceremony, and eventually shipped off to the glue factory.

When some really strange sounds start coming from the Khal’s tent, one of his men gets fed up and heads in to kill the witch. When Dany tries to stop him, she is pushed to the ground. Jorah Mormont steps in to protect her, and although he is less skilled with a sword, his armor allows him to perform the obligatory head slice. Soon after, Dany is in labor, and apparently the only one who can deliver the child is the witch, which is probably a bad thing, since she’s busy conjuring the dead.

Of all the characters that could have died, safe money was on the Imp. After all, when you force a three-foot man onto the battle field, things are not going to end well. It seems Tyrion didn’t like his chances much either. He commandeers another man’s prostitute, tells her sad stories about his first love, and asks her to bang him like it’s his last night on earth.

But despite the odds, the halfman survives. At the beginning of the battle, he was accidentally knocked unconscious. When he awoke, it was over, and the Lannisters (with the help of the tribesmen) were victorious. Or so it seemed.

In fact, the Starks had tricked Tywin’s army, sending only 2000 men, and sending the other 18,000 to capture Jamie Lannister. With Jamie in custody, it would seem that Robb now has the bargaining power he needs to win the release of his father.

Although that may prove difficult, now that Ned Stark is without his head. After agreeing to confess to treason in exchange for his life and the lives of his family, Ned is double-crossed by King Joffrey, who went against the wishes of his mother and inner-circle. Both Sansa and Arya are in attendance for the beheading, although Arya is hiding in the crowd.

And with that, another week is behind us, and only one episode remains for this season. Already, some fans of the show are complaining about the fact that the main character has been killed off. To them I say, what the hell do you want HBO to do about it? It’s based on a book. If they let him live, the hardcore fans would mutiny. Somehow, I also don’t think George R. R. Martin would sit by and watch as his work is butchered just so Sean Bean could keep getting a paycheck. Besides, wouldn’t you rather watch a show where anything can happen? I’m sad to see the character go, but I appreciate the fact that I never saw it coming.

We begin with the aftermath of last week’s power play by the Lanisters, or should I say the failed power play by Ned Stark. Poor Ned has been thrown into the dungeon and branded a trader, a title that elicits little sympathy from others, with the possible exception of Varys the eunuch. In fact, “The Spider,” as he’s known, goes as far as to visit Ned in prison, bringing him water, and giving him information on what has happened to his family. Unfortunately for Ned, the news is all bad.

All of Ned’s men who were with him in King’s Landing have been butchered by the Lanisters. Ned’s daughter Sansa is being manipulated, pleading for her father’s life in exchange for help in convincing the other Starks not to attack. Arya, on the other hand, manages to escape, thanks to the help of her instructor Sirio. Using only a wooden sword, he holds off four well-armed Lanister men while Arya retreats. However, his sword is eventually cracked in half, and his fate remains a mystery.

Before Arya hits the road, she stops off to grab her sword. And when some fat kid threatens to take her to the queen, she ends up using it. While it was strange to watch a little kid stabbing another little kid in the stomach, I take solace in that fact that the kid on “the pointy end” of the sword was fat, which makes it OK.

When Jon Snow learns of his father’s fate, he’s understandably upset. Although sympathetic, the captain of the Night’s Watch warns him not to do anything stupid. Apparently, Jon wasn’t listening, because he immediately tries to stab Alliser Thorne over a disparaging remark. In the aftermath of the event, Snow is confined to quarters.

I guess when you’re in the Night’s Watch, “confined to quarters” means “go where ever the hell you want.” When Jon’s wolf starts freaking out, he follows it to the Captain’s room. Here, he is confronted by the reanimated corpse of a dead Night’s Watchman. Despite cutting off his arm and running him through with a sword, the thing won’t stop coming. But like my dad used to say, when all else fails, light the son of a bitch on fire. My dad was an arsonist, FYI.

Meanwhile, Tyrion is having problems of his own. Granted, he’s not faced with a zombie uprising, but even so, issues have come up. After leaving the Eyrie, he and his new friend Bronn are set upon by the hill people. They look a lot like you’d expect hill people to look, and they’re also about as friendly as you’d imagine hill people to be. But Tyrion being Tyrion, he manages to convince them to spare his life in exchange for help in unseating the house of Arryn.

Considering the house of Arryn is in total disarray, that might not be as hard as it seems. Lord Robin is only interested in sucking on his mother’s tit. It’s OK for me to type that, because it’s 100% accurate. And his psychotic mother Lysa has no interest in anything other than hiding in her castle, despite the fact that the Lanisters have killed her husband and taken her brother-in-law hostage. Her sister, Lady Catelyn, is forced to leave empty handed.

While her sister may be afraid of a fight with the Lanisters, Lady Catelyn’s son Robb is wasting no time. Once he receives word about his father’s capture, he immediately calls in 20,000 men to march on King’s Landing. When one of his commanders (Greatjohn) gets too big for his britches, Robb’s wolf puts him back in his place by biting off two of his fingers. But Greatjohn seems to take it in stride, laughing off the injury as if it was a simple paper cut. I’m not a military expert, but that seems like the type of guy you want on your side.

With that, the Stark clan sets out from Winterfell to rescue Ned. But the Lanisters seem far from worried. Jaime is down in the Riverlands, plundering Catelyn Stark’s homeland, while Tywin and his army are in place to fight off an invasion from the north. Back at King’s landing, the new king and his mother Cersei are consolidating the family’s power. Tywin has been named Hand of the King, and good old Jaime has been named captain of the king’s guard. This doesn’t sit well with Ser Barristan, who is now out of a job. But given the circumstances, all he can do is say, “You can’t fire me, cause I quit!”

Last but certainly not least, we have the Dothraki. All and all, they were relatively quiet in this episode. By relatively quiet, I mean all they did was rape, pillage and plunder in order to raise money for an amphibious assault on the Seven Kingdoms. Oh, and when one of Drogo’s men referred to Dany as a foreign whore , the Kahl ripped his tongue out via his throat. Like I said, pretty low key.

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“The One That Got Away” begins with the Dunphy clan preparing gifts for Jay’s birthday. The children are making a video tribute, Phil has bought a bottle of wine, and Claire and Mitchell have decided to retake a cherished childhood picture. Phil did the same thing for his parents, and it went over like gangbusters.

Meanwhile, Cameron is at his wit’s end with Lily, and decides he needs a break. As such, he pawns her off on Gloria, claiming that his daughter really enjoys spending time with her step-grandmother, and even tried to say her name. Did this really happen…

Cameron isn’t the only one with problems. Manny has a crush on a girl, but she’s really into sports. As you can see from the Gif, he’s not the most athletic kid. But Cam agrees to help him learn. Their time together ends up planting an idea in Cam’s head, but I’ll save that for later.

Claire and Mitchell return to their childhood home to take the photograph, but the owners are out. Rather than wait for them to return, the two decide to hop the fence. Unfortunately, a large dog isn’t cool with their plans, and chases them up into a tree house. To make matters worse, the two have no cell phones, and their car has been towed.

4 photosSofia Vergara Being Abused On 'Three Stooges' Set

So, where is the birthday boy during all this? Well, he’s supposed to be fishing. Unfortunately, his family keeps pulling him away from it. Cameron asks him to pick up his own cake after being banned from the bakery. Gloria forgets her cell phone, which means Jay gets stuck picking up the dog. He also gets stuck rescuing Claire and Mitchell. To top it all off, the dog steals his birthday cake.

In the end, Jay is upset about the way his birthday turned out, but, as always, the show ends on a happy note. His birthday may have been ruined, but at least he’s still spending time with people who love him, and that’s what’s important (according to television). Speaking of family, the closest thing to a cliff hanger was the revelation that Cameron wants to adopt another child, specifically, a boy. Apparently his time with Manny really made him baby crazy. I assume they are talking about adopting a baby, and not a 15-year old Guatemalan boy. But I guess I’ll have to wait until next season to find out.