I hate “American Idol.” I hate it even more than I hate myself. But, I made one innocent comment about the size of my editor’s wife’s ass, and now I’m stuck on recap duty.

The show began with an updated intro (the last time I watched a full episode was 2004, so I’m assuming it’s updated). It was a computer animation depicting “American Idol Stadium” getting hit by a laser beam from space. It was very reminiscent of Independence Day, which is appropriate not only because that movie also sucks ass, but because watching “American Idol” makes any intelligent person long for an alien invasion.

Next, Ryan Seacrest began his voice over, in which he used words like “destiny,” “epic,” and “era.” Are we on a quest to return the one ring to Mordor, or are watching a bunch of assholes sing? I can’t tell any more. Seacrest then referred to “Idol” as “the most prestigious award in music." This made me angry, until I actually thought about it. What’s better? The Grammys? That shit MTV hands out? He’s right.

From there, it was time to kiss the new judges’ asses. First, it was pointed out that Steven Tyler fronts the best selling American rock band in history, which is like saying he’s the Bud Light of the music industry. Next, Jennifer Lopez was referred to as a “Triple-threat,” because she's a mediocre singer, actress, and dancer.

On to the judging! The first round was in Jersey, so the producers included a short segment on Jersey slang. After watching it, I can’t think of a better spot to start this shit show than in the toilet that gave birth to"Jersey Shore." Forgetaboutit!

The process proceeded as it always does, except without Simon, there was no one there to be a dick. To their credit, the new judges seem to be too nice. But watching Simon be the mean guy was pretty much the only reason to tune in. Besides, it’s a competition with limited spots. If you let too many mediocre people through, you’re going to have to leave out some real talent. Case in point, 15-year-old Kenzie Palmer. After letting several less talented singers go through, both Steven Tyler and Randy were hesitant to give her a ticket, with Tyler saying he “wasn’t feeling it.” At age 62, I’m sure it’s f*cking hard to feel anything, but don’t take it out on a contestant who can actually sing. The girl eventually made it, but not before a bunch of manufactured drama, which I imagine is par for the course.

Another girl to make the cut was Tiffany Rios, a New Jersey native who looks like Snooki with a few extra chromosomes. I feel bad making fun of the way someone looks, considering I look like a cross between Steve Buscemi and Ray Romano. But then again, I don’t try to give style advice on national television while wearing stars on my tits. I’ll admit she can sing, but she needs to cover her god damn belly. There’s nothing wrong with being fat, as long as no one can see the rolls.

As for the rejects, it was your standard fare, featuring a nice mix of the delusional and the depressing. Of course, there were recent immigrants involved, including a woman from the Ivory Coast who sounded like an ox getting rapped by a bear, and Yoji "Pop" Asano, a Japanese weirdo who was like William Hung (because he’s Asian!), but a thousand times less compelling. Yes, I realize what I just wrote. But it’s true. Other rejects of note include a man who couldn’t stop belching performing Ike and Tina Turner, and a tone-deaf Eagle Scout butchering Frank Sinatra. It was bad enough watching these people make fools of themselves, but it was even worse watching the judges’ responses. How many times can you watch Randy Jackson laugh at someone and say no before it gets old. My limit was once.

Rejects aside, my favorite moment came when Tyler remarked that someone was going to have to take a contestant “clothes shopping.” WTF? You’re a 62-year-old man, and you’re dressed like a drag queen from 1983. What the f*ck do you know about fashion? Maybe someone should take you face shopping, since you’ve managed to mangle yourself into looking like Joan Rivers. To put it another way, the jerk store called, and they’re all out of you.

The show also featured your standard sob stories, including a war refuge, a cancer survivor’s daughter, and a family that had recently been forced into a homeless shelter. Couple that with a montage of skanks hitting on Steven Tyler, and you’ve got yourself some compelling television. I can’t wait to watch this crap next week. What do you mean, it’s on tomorrow? Oh, sweet Jesus, no.