‘American Idol’ Recap: San Francisco

Thursday, February 10 by

Last night was the final episode of the “American Idol” auditions, and what better way to end this shit show than with a fart. No, really. The show began with a teary-eyed girl complaining that the judges wouldn’t let her finish after she ripped ass. Of course, “Idol” was too “classy” to air the actual fart footage (if it even exists), but they weren’t classy enough to keep from humiliating this gassy girl on national television. To quote Hannah Montana, it’s “the best of both worlds.”

I know what you’re thinking: “why did he just quote Hannah Montana?” Don’t worry. I have a good explanation. I’m a pedophile, which is why I loved the night’s first contestant, Inessa Lee. She’s a 22 Ukrainian girl who looks like she’s 12 and posts Youtube videos of herself in the shower. If you’re wondering how a Ukrainian ended up with the last name of Lee, it’s because she married an Asian dude who loves to wear sweaters. At any rate, despite her belly dancing and self delusion, Inessa didn’t make it.

It seems like the producers wanted to end the auditions on an inspirational note. For example, there was Stephano Langone, who survived a horrible car accident. Steven Tyler actually said that the reason Langone was spared from death was so he could go to Hollywood. Yes, that makes sense. God chose to spare this guy so that he could go on to lose American Idol. It’s a good thing he has a good voice, or I guess God would have left him for dead.

There was also a hot Colombian girl (Julie Zorrilla) who was forced to flee her native land due to a civil war, Emily Reed, who lost her house in a fire, and James Durbin, a 21 year old with Aspergers Syndrome who at the age of nine, lost his father to a drug overdose. All and all, the episode was a lot of fun.

The most surprising part of the show was that Steven Tyler finally decided to get mean. It was as if everything he’d been holding in for the past few weeks came to a head and exploded onto the San Francisco contestants. I’m usually all for that type of harshness. After all, no one is making these people audition. But Tyler’s targets were confusing. Contestant David Combs managed to butcher a Beatles song, but he was no worse than your average contestant. In fact, he was better than a lot of the freaks we’ve seen. But the way Tyler reacted, you would have thought Hitler was trying to get on the show. Later in the episode, Tyler sarcastically told another delusional contestant (David Johnston) that he had made it through, only to crush his hopes moments later. That’s cold! But listening to bad singers for that many weeks would make Mother Teresa a little testy.

Next was Drew Beaumier, who describes himself as a bartender/autobot. Confused by the autobot on his resume? Well, he came to the audition in a robot suit that he made out of an old Power Wheels toy. While crouched down in the shape of a Ford Mustang, he sang “Born to be Wild.” He wasn’t half bad, but the judges probably didn’t take him seriously because he was dressed like a god-damn car. That being said, the outfit was pretty cool.

In closing, my favorite reject of the night, and possibly the show, was Weston Lee Smith, who, after an awful performance, simply apologized to the stunned judges. It saved everyone a lot of time. Now, if the producers of this show would just apologize to America, we could all move on.