While the season premiere of “American Idol” was disappointing, the second episode (New Orleans) started out strong. By “strong,” I mean it began with a gay dude named Blake Patterson playing the piano and sobbing uncontrollably. At least I’m assuming he was gay, since he was wearing a hat and I wanted to have sex with him. Either way, Blake won’t be going to Hollywood.
Speaking of Hollywood, it’s depressing to see all the contestants who make it to the next round getting so excited to go there. Obviously they’ve never been to Hollywood, or they wouldn’t be so thrilled. That is, unless they really like tourists and tranny hookers. Let’s hope music teacher Jordan Dorsey likes both, because he’s about to see a lot of them after wowing the judges with his rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Jordan’s grandma also caused the only enjoyable moment of the night when she told Ryan Seacrest that he looks taller on TV. Thank you, Grandma Dorsey. That makes up for your grandson jumping around like an asshole.
Later in the show, the Steven Tyler creep-fest continued when the aging rocker made awkward advances on contestant Sarah Sellers. The singer asked where Sellers got her gigantic lips, and told the wannabe Idol that she “had [him] sold from the moment [she] laid eyes on him.” What the hell does that mean? I don’t know, but I assume it as something to do with him wanting to bang her. Earlier in the show, Tyler made a joke about getting “a little head,” and later mentioned that he was quite familiar with Mick Jagger’s mouth. Christ on a crutch, what a creep.
But Tyler wasn’t the only judge getting frisky with the contestants. Jovany Barreto, a first generation Cuban-American, sang some stupid song in Spanish, and then decided to take his shirt off to impress Jennifer Lopez. This provoked Randy and Steven to take their shirts off, as well, and more sickening display I cannot recall. The entire incident caused Ryan Seacrest to quip, “of all the people in there, you got Randy and Steven to take their clothes off?” See, he wanted to see J. Lo naked, so he’s totally not gay!
And let’s not forget Randy Jackson. A contestant named Jacquelyn Dupree surprised him with pictures from his high-school yearbook. As it turns out, she was the niece of Jackson’s high-school football coach, and he just so happened to be waiting in the lobby. Watching “the dawg” reminisce with his high-school football coach was about as exciting as watching someone reminisce with their high-school football coach. It made for great television.
Of all the rejected contestants, only two stood out, mainly, because Simon isn’t there to make cruel jokes, and all Randy can do is laugh and say “no” over and over again. The first reject that springs to mind was some douche nozzle named Gabriel Franks. He wouldn’t have been that bad, except he uttered the phrase, “I think America will fall in love with me.” I don’t speak for America (yet), but that caused me to instantly hate him, and laugh when he lost after singing Lady Gaga‘s “Bad Romance.” Great choice.
The second notable reject was Alex Attardo. I’m willing to give anyone with the word “tard” in their name the benefit of the doubt, since they’ve probably had a rough life. But this guy lived up to his name by admitting that he’d gone to “American Idol” Camp, and then proceeding to butcher “Proud Mary.” This poor bastard basically paid to be humiliated on national television. Looks like that camp was money well spent.
After a string of forgettable failures, a few other contestants were waved through. Brett Loewenstern, a red-headed dork from Boca sang a nice version of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and a chunky kid named Jacee Badeaux sang “Dock of the Bay.” Jacee looked a lot like a fatter version of Justin Bieber, and the fact that he’s overweight made him a million times more likable than the actual J.B. The only problem is, I’m not 100% sure this kid’s balls have dropped, so when puberty does hit, his voice might be out the window. At any rate, I hope he at least makes it though the show.
That brings us to our last contestant, Paris Tassin, an attractive single-mother with a special-needs child. According to Tassin, her daughter has “Hearing AIDS,” which I assume is like regular AIDS, except it only attacks the eardrums. Tassin went on to sing a song that was personal to her: Carrie Underwood’s “Temporary Home.” The song brought Jennifer Lopez to tears, probably because it made her think about how so much of her money is taxed and then given to single mothers like Tassin in the form of food stamps and Medicaid.
The show ended with J. Lo wowing America like only she can. And by that, I mean she walked up to Tassin’s hearing-impaired daughter and whispered to her. Smooth move, Jenny from the block. Maybe next week you can split a Twinkie with diabetic.