This week, “American Idol” traveled to Milwaukee, WI, for yet another painfully drawn out installment. Sweet baby Jesus, why does Fox insist on making this show last for two-hours? More importantly, who actually enjoys watching for that long? I’m literally being paid to sit through this crap, and I’m almost ready to quit. The fact that millions of people willing partake in this torture is beyond my comprehension.
The show began with Steven Tyler laying down a beat for Randy Jackson, while Jackson tried to guess which Aerosmith song he was suppose to sing. Was it “Love in an Elevator?” Was it “Sweet Emotion?” Was I supposed to give a shit?
Speaking of not giving a shit, Milwaukee native and former Idol contestant Danny Gokey was on hand to give false hope to delusional contestants. And if you’re looking for delusional people, a Rustbelt city like Milwaukee does not disappoint.
A prime example was Joe Repka, a Communication major from the University of Toledo. It’s not surprising that someone who thinks majoring in Communication is a good idea is also under the mistaken impression that he can sing. Throw a Billy Joel song into the mix, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a train wreck.
But Repka wasn’t the only one to have his fantasy world destroyed. Iowa native Cody Zalewski was quickly rejected after butchering a Lady Gaga song, proving once again that if you’re a straight guy, you have no business singing Lady Gaga. Then again, Kamil Anthony seemed pretty gay, and his version of “Paparazzi” might have been worse, so who knows? What I do know is my favorite contestant of the night was Juanita Borges, mainly because of her revealing outfit. If Princess Leia and Jabba the Hut had a love child, this was it. Don’t get me wrong; if I saw her walking down the street in normal clothes, I’m sure she’d look fine. But she wasn’t on the street in normal clothes. She was on my television dressed like an intergalactic space whore from the future. But if Borges was a chilling vision of the future, Nathanial Jones was a disturbing look into the past; specifically, the mid-19th century.
You see, Jones is a hippie-hating, sex-fearing Civil War reenactor, and he felt showing up in a Union Army uniform would give him the edge he needed. In keeping with the Civil War theme, he decided to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” In Civil War times, the “Lion” was often used as a metaphor for Canada, which was still a British colony (the Lion being the symbol for England). Runaway slaves hoped to “shake the Lion’s paw” by crossing the border to freedom. That’s why you picked the song, right Nathanial? Just say yes, or you’re going to seem like an even bigger asshole than the dentist (Chris Kammer) who showed up with a giant toothbrush, or the fat woman (Vernika Patterson) who accused the judges of dismissing her because she was too fat. Patterson repeatedly stressed that she could sing better than half of the other contestants. That may be true (it‘s not), but only about 1% make it through, so signing better than half really doesn’t mean shit. Better luck next time, fatty.
But enough about the losers who didn’t make it. Let’s talk about the losers who did. Naima Adedapo’s day job is cleaning toilets. That will come in handy now that the judges gave her a ticket to the biggest toilet in the world: Hollywood. Jerome Bell, a big black dude who usually sings bar mitzvahs, also moved on to the next round, which is good, because he’s one of the few contestants I don’t want to hit with an axe.
Then there’s Scotty McCreeery, an all-American country boy, and Molly Swenson, a Harvard grad and current Whitehouse intern. Both had wonderful voices. Both seemed like genuinely nice people. And both made me sick. Speaking of making me sick, another successful contestant was named Tiwan Strong. If you’re going to name your kid after something in an atlas, at least spell it right. It’s Taiwan, for Christ’s sake. Taiwan!
Also, several 15-year olds made it through, and Ryan Seacrest made a point of telling viewers that the minimum age had been lowered due to the staggering success of Justin Bieber. Now you have another reason to hate that little prick.
One of the 15-year olds was Emma Henry, who was thoroughly eye-f*cked by Steven Tyler as soon as she walked out. Tyler went on to say that he liked Henry because she had something he couldn’t put his finger on. I’m assuming that “something” was her underage vagina. Aside from gawking at young girls, Tyler alienated viewers by randomly trying to sing high notes he can no longer pull off, dressing like an asshole, and making lame jokes, some of which involved f*cking animals. Keep ‘em coming, Steve.
But perhaps the most important part of the show wasn’t about singing it all. It was an extremely emotional event that made even a cynic like myself sit up and take notice. Of course, I’m talking about seeing Jennifer Lopez dressed up in a poodle skit and treble clef blouse. I haven’t found her the least bit attractive in years, but that 50’s look really did it for me. Nice job, J-Lo. It’s nice to see someone at your age overcoming adversity. You’ve restored my hope in humanity.
Oh, also, some poor guy from Chicago (Chirs Medina) sang a song for his recently disabled fiancée. That was pretty emotional, too. It made me feel bad about the time I got mad at my girlfriend for gaining ten pounds. I’d be OK with him winning. In fact, just make him the winner now, so I don’t have to watch any more of this crap.