‘American Idol’ Recrap: Group Night

Thursday, February 17 by

The guy above with the headband (and the Aspergers) made it through, if you care.

Last night was “group night” on “American Idol,” which is much less exciting than it sounds to an Internet-porn addict, like myself. Never the less, I watched all two hours of the program in order to describe it in detail to you, the reader. Congrats. You’ve reduced me to this.

For those of you unfamiliar with group night, it involves the remaining contestants breaking out into groups that must then choreograph and perform a song for the judges. The groups decide for themselves who to accept, which always causes a lot of drama. I don’t mean “drama” in the good “Breaking Bad” kind of way. I mean it in more of “a bunch of bitches acting overly dramatic” kind of way.

If you like watching fat kids get picked, you really should have tuned in. Jaycee Badeaux, the fat kid in question, was banished from his group by the evil Karaoke host, Clint Jun Gamboa. Scotty McCreery the deep-voiced country singer, didn’t stick up for Jaycee when he had the chance, and cried crocodile tears about it later in the show. However, Jaycee joined forces with fellow misfit Brett Loewenstern, and all four contestants and their group-mates made it through to the next round, which surley made for an awkward moment later that night during the mandatory group shower I assume all the contestants are forced to take.

While Ashlee and his new enemies made it through, Tiffany Rios was not so lucky. After mocking all of the other contestants on last week’s show, Rios found herself blackballed by the groups. Something tells me Rios is no stranger to blackballs, or any colored balls, for that matter, but in this instance, she found herself at a loss. Eventually, Jessica Yantz took pity on Rios, which ultimately proved foolish, as the pair was quickly dismissed, and Rios was force to return to the swamp from which she came.

Paris Tassin was also sent packing, which I can only assume was the result of Stephen Tyler’s contempt for special needs children, like her daughter. Kira. Either that, or it was because she sang very poorly. I guess we’ll never know for sure.

Speaking of Tyler, at one point he accidentally told a contestant he had made it through, when in fact the contestant had been dismissed. Later in the episode, he jokingly told Clint Jun Gamboa that he had not made the cut. I’m not normally a fan of the Aerosmith front man, but I have to respect the fact that he’s enjoys playing god and toying with peoples emotions. Make them grovel, Steven! In fact, make them dance!

I almost forgot to mention Ashley Sullivan. This is probably because she almost went home. Keep in mind, the judges loved her group’s performance, and she easily passed through. But before it got to that point, Ashlee threatened to quit because of all the “pressure.” I’m not sure why someone who doesn’t like pressure would go on a nationally televised contest, but here we are. Considering I’ve now seen her cry multiple times, I’m thinking maybe she doesn’t dislike pressure so much as she loves drama. You know the type I’m talking about; the ones who accuse you of murdering their house pets even though they know damn well you were simply setting their souls free. Typical.

In closing, I didn’t think there was anything more annoying than watching a bunch of egomaniacs perform on “Idol.” Clearly, I was wrong. Watching ego-maniacal parents live vicariously through their children is a lot worse. Luckily, the children in question can actually sing, which takes away some of the sting.

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