Its Hollywood Week on “American Idol,” and thus far it’s been nothing but drama, drama drama! Sure, I could change the channel and watch a military coup depose a ruthless dictator as hundreds of thousands cheer in the street, but that’s not the kind of drama I want to see. I’d rather Brett Loewenstern whine about a getting picked on as a kid.
By it’s very nature, Hollywood Week isn’t as fun to watch as the auditions. Almost, everyone who has made it to this point can sing, so there are no sad, pathetic people to mock and ridicule. As such, we have to settle for the next best thing: reveling in the failure of those who are more talented than us. While it’s not as fun are laughing at the metaly handicapped, it’s still a good time.
First on the list was Victoria Huggins, a 17-year-old from North Carolina. I don’t remember completely hating her in the audition stage, but back them I was smoking a lot more crystal, so perhaps my judgment was impaired. Last night, Huggins was nauseating. Hearing her say, “I’m the next American Idol, duh,” was bad enough. But watching her stare at the Hollywood hills and say aloud, “I wonder if people look at me like I look at these mountains,” was revolting. Unless of course, she was looking at the mountains and thinking, “god, those things do nothing but add to traffic congestion, and I wish some one would bulldoze them into the sea.” If that’s the case, I forgive her. Either way, she and the 11 bags she packed got the boot.
Another great rejection came from Nick Fink, who had previously made it through with his girlfriend, Jacqueline Dunford. Last night, Dunford passed to the next round, but Fink wasn’t so lucky. I was willing to forgive them for their disgusting PDAs during the auditions. I chalked it up to the producers egging them on. But it looks as if Nick might be that obnoxious after all. After being rejected, he was crushed, which was understandable. But rather than walking away and keeping some dignity, he kept pleading for another chance. I get that in the one-on-one auditions, but how can you repeatedly beg for that when you’re surrounded by other constestanets? Why does he think he deserves a second chance when no one else gets one? He even had the audacity to start singing again after they told him no. Christ on a crutch, get a back bone, man (wrote the spineless blogger). But to be honest, I’d be upset too if I was about to leave my hot girlfriend alone in Hollywood. It’s only a matter of time until Charlie Sheen is doing coke off her ass.
The other rejected contestants weren’t nearly as annoying, but that might have something to do with their wonderful breasts. Stormi Henley, the former Miss Teen USA, had to say good bye, as did my new favorite belly-dancer, Heidi Kazam. I was also sad to see Steve Beghun, the accountant from Milwaukee, and Travis Orlando, the poor kid from the Bronx, get cut. And those last two don’t even have breasts.
As far as those who did make it through, Tiffany Rios was by far the most annoying. Rios showed about as much class as you’d expect from a girl who came to the auditions with stars pasted on her tits. When she went up to sing, she slammed all of the other contestants for no reason by saying, “I’m tired of watching people try to do what I know I can.” This wasn’t a dick sausage contest, so I’m not sure what she was talking about. Unfortunately, she made it through. I imagine they’ll keep her around as long as possible, just to have some controversy. And if all goes well, she’ll probably end up on some low-rent reality show after that. What an awful planet.
As the tee-shirt once said, “Jersey Girls aren’t trash, trash gets picked up.”
Chris Medina also made it through, no thanks to Steven Tyler. Right before he went to sing, Tyler asked, “How’s Juliana.” Oh, you mean how’s his fiancee who was horribly injured in a car crash and is now confined to a wheel chair and may never be the same again? Thanks for asking right before he had to sing in front of millions of people. Nothing like personal tragedy to calm those butterflies. James Durbin (the guy with Tourette’s), Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks (the former couple), and Scotty McGreery (the deep-voiced country guy) all made it through. Also, I made it through another episode, which is a thousand times harder than making it through the audtions, so give me some credit.