"We're not done until you retrieve my stash."Charlie Sheen fans can stop sending dead hookers and porn stars to CBS offices, because Poppa Bear is coming home!! The highest paid man on television announced that he will return to his shit show "Two and a Half Men," and has signed a contract that forces him to have to watch this thing awkwardly morph into a lesbian over the next two years:"To put a fitting end on the two and one-half months of whirlwind speculation, I'm looking forward to returning to my CBS home on Monday nights," said Sheen in a statement released last night. You see what he did there? The show is called "Two and a Half Men" and he said "two and one-half months." Someone please jam a great big adrenaline needle into my heart before my lungs collapse from over-LOLing. (People)
You "Arrested Development" fans are like delusional ex-girlfriends. Sure, the three years you spent with the show were wonderful, and I know it left you with some very special memories. I'm not asking you to forget that. But the fact of the matter is that it's been gone for four years, but you still talk about it like it was yesterday. The way you bring it up to anyone who will listen is creepy. Just last week, at that party, you asked a total stranger if they had seen it. Doesn't that come across as pathetic and desperate to you? Face the facts: "Arrested Development" is gone, and it's not coming back. It's moved on, and it's time you did the same. The best way to get over an old relationship is to start a new one, which is why I'd like you to meet "Running Wilde." It has Mitch Hurwitz and Will Arnett, which is pretty cool. I know it's not the same, but you can't go around comparing every show you watch to "Arrested Development." It's not healthy, and it's just setting yourself up for disappointment. Why don't you go in with an open mind and give it a chance? Also, maybe you should up your dosage of Wellbutrin. You're not looking so good. (Movieline) See Will Arnett in the "Running Wilde" trailer after the jump.
The final SNL Digital short of the season is a valiant effort, especially since it aired early in the show. Hey kiddies, in case you think that's powdered sugar on Andy's nose, it's not. It's sweet, sweet cocaine. Stick around until the very end for the best part.Do a line of these potent links. Roman Polanski Was Always a Creep (Moviefone)Teen Idols Dish Out Dating Advice (Asylum)Is Will Ferrell Running the Fake Paramount Twitter? (PopEater)25 Awesome Shoes (HolyTaco)Pete Hammond Likes Shrek 4 (FilmDrunk)Tracy Jordan's Life in the Ghetto (Unreality)Wrestling Is Still Real to Me Darn It! (TotalProSports)Amber Lancaster Pics (Maxim)Rachelle Leah Covered in Grease (CagePotato)Miss US 2010 Stripper Pics (CelebJihad)33 Worst Band Names in History (Smosh)5 Celebrity Lesbians We'd Like to Get With (Pajiba)Bill Plympton's 'Horn Dog' (Atom)10 Sexiest Sidekicks (MadeMan)Busch, Gibbs Win the Weekend (AllLeftTurns)
With Simon Cowell leaving "American Idol," FOX is in need of a big hit. Instead they got these new shows. Nothing jumps out as a hit on paper, but they are bringing some star power to the network that will hopefully carry the new properties. Jon Voight took our advice and jumped into "Lonestar" while Will Arnett and Kerri Russell star in "Running Wilde." I'm assuming that Wilde is the last name of the show's protagonist, who surprisingly is not played by Just Wright's Queen Latifiah. GET A LOOK AT FOX'S NEW LINE-UP AFTER THE JUMP, BEFORE THEY'RE ALL CANCELED AND REPLACED BY "HOUSE" ENCORES…
The big news out of the NBC Upfronts is the cancellation of "Heroes" and "Law & Order: Original Recipe." No huge loss there, but the network also pushed fan favorite "Parks & Recreation" to midseason, in order to make room for the new comedy "Outsourced" on their schedule. Hopefully this move will help build anticipation for the series and solve the problem of having to shoot around the bun that Will Arnett lovingly rammed into Amy Poehler's oven. In addition to "Outsourced," the Peacock picked up twelve other new programs. None of them really grab me, but I don't watch a lot of television anyway. Because of my good looks and all. CHECK OUT THE SCHEDULE AND TRAILERS AFTER THE JUMP.
CBS has officially picked up the sitcom based on the Twitter phenomenon Shit My Dad Says, assigning it the current (tentative?) title of "Bleep My Dad Says." We here at Screen Junkies would like to offer a massive congratulations to former SJ Managing Editor Patrick Schumacker and former Holy Taco Managing Editor Justin Halpern, co-creators of the show along with "Will & Grace" creators Max Mutchnik and David Kohan.William Shatner stars in the lead role as Ed the dad who says all the bleep (shit). The part of the Henry the son is played by Ryan Devlin in the pilot, but CBS has decided to recast the role. There's no word yet which actor in town has big enough balls to spar with Shatner. If you have a commanding presence please mail your headshot to the Warner Bros. water tower. Mark it Attention: Animaniacs. They'll get back to you ASAP. (Deadline)
If you lived in Canada, you saw Kristen Kreuk in some show called "Edgemont." If you lived in America, you saw her in "Smallville." If you lived in a fantasy world of comic books, acne and virginity, you saw her in a show on the SyFy channel called "Legend of Earthsea."A word from Kristen: "Just because I don't do bad things doesn't mean I don't have bad thoughts."Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.More pics of some bad things after the jump.
I'm not ready to say goodbye to this picture.Entertainment Weekly has new details about the fifth season of Dexter in the latest issue. If you're not caught up with the show, there are SPOILERS AHEAD. Bold and all caps. My ass is covered.It looks like Dexter will be packing up the kids and returning to his old bachelor pad to crash with Deb in the new season. Suburbia never really felt right and dropping deuces where his wife was murdered doesn't really appeal either. New showrunner Chip Johannessen had this to say about the new living situation, “It’s partially funny and partially not. Deb is not exactly the most maternal person. Nobody quite knows what they’re doing, so there’s a certain kind of struggle to cope.” In other words, these kids would be better off left in the woods to fend for themselves.The interesting story detail however pertains to the investigation of Rita's murder. Neither the police nor the FBI believe Trinity was responsible and consider Dexter the prime suspect. If Nancy Grace has taught me anything, it's usually the spouse in these cases. Especially the ones that play with blood for a living.
Bad news from the world of music. Musician Ronnie James Dio has died of stomach cancer. The singer, who performed with Black Sabbath and his own band, Dio, was only 67. I'm not going to pretend I'm a fan of his music, but Dio was responsible for this hilarious "South Park" bit, which means he's A-ok in my book. R.I.P. (DreadCentral) See Ronnie James Dio perform at the South Park Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance after the jump.
The Unemployment Line."Law & Order" creator Dick Wolf is reportedly furious, and not just because his parents named him poorly. NBC dramatically cut Wolf's throat today along with the grocery budgets of struggling New York actors by issuing the shocking announcement they are canceling the flagship show.NBC had promised Wolf they would bring the show back for a final season so that it could claim the longest-running primetime-drama pimpcup from "Gunsmoke," but plans changed when talks between NBC and would-be co-financier TNT fell flat. And then things got worse:That's when NBC threw its agreement with Wolf out the window and demanded Wolf kick in to help "finance the pickup of Law & Order out of all the money he's made. And his reps said, 'Never going to happen'," according to an insider. Another source explained the situation: "Graboff broke off the negotiations last night when they fell apart based on Team Dick's unwillingness to make certain deal concessions deemed unreasonable."Wow. That would be like your boss firing you but allowing you to stay on staff if you agreed to pay your own salary. They have a word for that in business school: balls.
Rest easy, James Garner. It looks like your beloved "Rockford Files" will not be defiled by a remake. Deadline Hollywood is reporting that despite several shakeups and makeovers, NBC has decided to pass on the pilot.The show was plagued by casting problems early on, but those seemed to be ironed out with the addition of Dermot Mulroney. But even a last minute recut by one of NBC's top editors couldn't bring the show up to snuff.Personally, I don't see the problem here. I think NBC should scrap scripted dramas altogether, focusing on reality programs and maybe some sort of prime-time talk show. I hear Conan O'Brien is available.
Cook? Cask? Tell me, I'm dying to know!I'm not going to lie. I've never seen "True Blood." But the fact that it doesn't have androgynous teenage vampires running around being emo is a good sign. And from what I've been told, there are lots of gratuitous topless scenes to enjoy. I'll be sure to check it out just as soon as ScreenJunkies starts paying for my HBO. Until then, I'll just watch this trailer for season 3 over and over again.Check out the "True Blood" Season 3 trailer after the jump.
Hurley from "Lost" says "dude," and he says it a lot. In fact, if you compiled all the times Hurley has said "dude" over the course of six seasons, it would last four minutes. Of course, you would never take the time to compile such a thing because you have a life. Luckily, the people from Jezebel don't, and they made this sweet video. (SlashFilm) Watch Hurley say "dude" over and over again after the jump.
After starring in The Lookout with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Laura Vandervoort landed the coveted role of Supergirl on "Smallville." She now stars in "V" and is currently praying it doesn't get cancelled. A word from Laura: "Hollywood is something imagined."Actually it's not. I drove through it the other day. It's something littered with graffiti, Carl's Jr. wrappers, and charismatic bums. Check out more pics of Supergirl after the jump.
"Saturday Night Live" is officially a hit again thanks to Betty White and her whore mouth. The Facebook-supported, hood-approved actress officially rocked it and helped the show score its highest ratings since a pre-election November 2008 episode.Many of the episode's sketches coasted by on the "Grandma says naughty words" schtick of which White is clearly a master. In fact, her muffin sketch is all anyone is talking about today as cubicles everywhere tune into "SNL" via Hulu. I hope I don't get caught by the boss but whatever. It wouldn't be the first time I was fired because of an old woman's vagina. (Reuters)
Andy Rooney went on "60 Minutes" last night and basically explained that he’s old as he decomposed in front of us. He doesn’t understand your Lady Gagas and your Ushers….
"Those mozzarella sticks had better be piping hot when they finally get here, or I'll pitch a real bitch-fit."In order to keep a tight lid on the secret series finale, "Lost" producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse filmed four endings for the puzzling series. Viewers who can't wait for the DVD bonus features, won't have to wait long to see them. In fact, they'll be shown about a half an hour after the credits roll and everyone has had sufficient time to shout, "Aww, what the fuh?!!!"The brass-balled Jimmy Kimmel will air the alternate endings exclusively on his "Jimmy Kimmel Live: Aloha to Lost" after the super-sized episode, with the "Lost" cast joining him in-studio. No need to stay up so late though. I've actually been tipped off to the alternate conclusions. They play out as follows:The first alternate ending has Jack returning to the mainland to find that a statue of Ben now sits in the Lincoln Memorial.Much like "The Sopranos," "Lost" will also end with a song by Journey. In this instance, "Anyway You Want It" blasts over the victory party scene after Lapidus exclaims, "We're all gonna get laid!!!"Finally, it comes to light that Hurley did actually fart that time in the van with Miles and the corpse. With a man his size eating all that undercooked boar's meat, it just makes sense that a few would slip out from time to time.(/Film)
Do you like "The Office"? Do you like Indians (if you are Indian, please disregard)? Then you're gonna love the new sitcom, "Outsourced," which premieres on NBC this fall.Based on the 2006 romantic comedy by the same name, the show follows the exploits of an American manager, played by Ben Rappaport, who is put in charge of a recently outsourced call center in India. According to Deadline Hollywood, the show is billed as “the Midwest meets the exotic East in a hilarious culture clash.”Wait, someone from the Midwest traveling abroad? Outrageous!I haven't been this psyched about a fish-out-of-water cultural comedy since a certain street-smart jive-talking American teamed up with a lovable Engrish-speaking Asian to bring down an international conspiracy. Of course, I'm taking about Brett Ratner's The Killing Fields.
Professional sex-haver/indie film darling Sasha Gray has landed the role of Vince's girlfriend on the seventh season of "Entourage." From TV Guide: This is by no means a small cameo, but a major role as the new long-term girlfriend of Adrian Grenier’s Vince Chase. “I think Sasha’s going to have a very successful transition,” says Entourage creator Doug Ellin, who was impressed by the performer’s leading role in Oscar-winning director Steven Soderbergh’s 2009 film, “The Girlfriend Experience.” He won't admit it to TV Guide but Ellin was also impressed by the AVN Adult Movie Award winner's roles in Butt Sex Bonanza, Seinfeld: A XXX Parody, Butt Man's Stretch Class 3, Fox Holes, and I Wanna Bang Your Sister.It's said that Vince's new relationship is based off the past relationships of Charlie Sheen, which is a spoiler alert in and of itself. Her character is definitely going to end up dead in a ditch. I imagine that the plotline will require Turtle to dump her in the ocean, but opts for the ravine when he gets worried he'll scuff up his kicks if he drags her that far.
Ultimate Parkour Challenge – Watch more Funny VideosAfter a decade of hell-raisin and hijinx in the Arctic Circle, MTV is bringing the Dudesons to the US of A. Same goes for parkour, but France instead of the Arctic Circle. Well, parkour has already been building in popularity in America (I blame Casino Royale), but now it's a live televised challenge! Check out a preview of all the crazy wall climbing and monkey action above. "The Dudesons in America" and "The Ultimate Parkour Challenge" premiere tonight on MTV @ 10/9c
Why would you want to donate money toward the restoration of nutjob Stephen Baldwin when your charity could be used to get more of Joss Whedon's smoking hot ass-kicking chicks on the air? Think about it. The more you know. Shooting star.These links don't suck, just like Joss Whedon.Summer TV Premieres 2010 (TVSquad)Hot Weather Girls All Over the World (Asylum)Emma Watson Had An Awful First Week at College (PopEater)25 Sexy Corona Girls (HolyTaco)Kristen Bell Is So Hollywood Ugly (FilmDrunk)Gallery of Avatar Cosplay (Unreality)Rutgers Kid Provides Another Epic Faceplant (TotalProSports)25 Hottest Mexican Women (Maxim)Randy Wants a Shot at the Winnder of Shogun-Machida (CagePotato)Jessica Alba Shows Off Her Tramp Stamp (CelebJihad)30 Best Pinatas Ever (Smosh)A Tire That Explodes Heads (Pajiba)Cinco de Mayo: Arizona-Style (Atom)Mother's Day Gift Guide (MadeMan)Sneak Peak at the NASCAR Hall of Fame (AllLeftTurns)
Sara Underwood is a former Playboy Playmate of the Year and Oregon State University student. She's filled in for Olivia Munn on "Attack of the Show" and recently helped wash cars with a group of Princess Leias in bikinis. A word from Sara: "I hate closeminded people who think they know it all."You'll love me. My mind's as empty as my tolerance for people who are different than me. More pics of the Playmate after the jump.
"Lost" fans are no doubt on edge these days. Their favorite show is about to slip away and potentially leave behind a slew of unanswered questions. If only there were more time to solve them. Just a few minutes more. ABC has got your back.The network has agreed to extend the series finale by an extra half hour, airing it on Sunday, May 23rd 2010, from 9:00pm to 11:30pm. This will push back the local news, and Jimmy Kimmel's "Aloha to Lost" post-special, which will now air at 12:05 a.m.. If history is any indicator, this super-sizement is to make room for more advertisements. That breaks down to three minutes of show, five minutes of ads, repeat. I can't wait until they solve the mystery of the Hurley bird and how a man can enjoy Yoplait yogurt as much as his wife. (Live Feed)
Paul Rudd appeared in a sketch on "Tim & Eric" where he completes some morning work on his computer. Said work involves watching different versions of himself dance. Seems like more of an after lunch indulgence, but to each his own. (WarmingGlow)Tayne would love these links.Mickey Rourke Is Awesome at Not Caring (Moviefone)5 Signs 'Prince of Persia' Is Going to Such (Asylum)Justin Bieber Doesn't Know What 'German' Means (PopEater)25 Ridiculous Pinatas (HolyTaco)'Back to the Future'-Themed Wedding Proposal (FilmDrunk)LOST Actors in Their Earlier Years (Unreality)USHL Hockey Goalie Shoots and Scores (TotalProSports)Fine Ladies With Food Pics (Maxim)Overeem Thinks Fedor is Scared to Fight Him (CagePotato)Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are Lesbians (CelebJihad)25 Presumably Female Bodybuilders (Smosh)5 Most Evil Assholes in Hollywood (Pajiba)The Curse of NBA Jam (Atom)13 Ways Facebook Ruins Your Relationship (MadeMan)Mini Cooper Crashes Into Fans (AllLeftTurns)
Vh1 announced a few weeks ago that they would move away from the trashy television that butters their bread and take a step in a classier direction. Albeit, a baby step. This preview of "The OCD Project" shows us people who wash the skin from their hands, believe they can kill with the power of minds (mind bullets!!), and more disgustingly, EAT. OUT. OF. TOILETS. Say what you will about Flavor Flav, but the man had standards. You saw how he barely made out with that woman who pooped on his floor. Standards, folks. It's what separates us from hobos.Outlandish fears? Check. Creepy doctor scaring the crap out of everyone? Check. Toilet eating? CHECK. "Panic Attack," the gauntlet has been thrown down.Check out the preview after the jump…
NBC is taking a chance on a J.J. Abrams project. I know, right? Buncha stupid-heads over there, and no I won't watch my language. The Peacock has greenlighted "Undercovers," a spy drama from the mind behind the plastic, black eyeglass frames of Abrams himself."Undercovers" stars Boris Kodjoe and Gugu Mbatha-Raw as Steven and Samantha Bloom, a married couple who run a Los Angeles catering company. Five years earlier, though, they were a pair of the CIA's best spies. Now, when their old espionage buddy goes missing, they're reactivated by their boss Carlton Shaw (Gerald McRaney) and thrown back into the field. Not surprisingly, they discover they missed The Life.Sounds like my experience as a blogger. The catering racket just couldn't appease this wild child. Abrams wrote the "Undercovers" pilot with Josh Reims and also directed it, making this the first pilot he's gotten behind the camera for since "LOST." You took a gamble on this one, NBC, but hopefully it'll pay off. Abrams seems to have a decent enough reputation around town. Now thank whatever god you sacrifice to for granting your flailing company such a wonderous bounty. (EW)
Sorry Danny Elfman, you've been replaced by the singer who's so money she has a money symbol in her name. On last night's episode of "The Simpsons," the inhabitants of Springfield sang, hopped, and fought to Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" instead of Elfman's internationally recognizable, and never substituted, score. You can even catch Carl Dr. Hibbard breakdancing in the background. Aren't more Asians and Latinos doing that nowadays than African Americans? At least that's what "America's Best Dance Crew" showcases. Bumble-Bee Man should have been all about those windmills and coin drops. (Buzzfeed)
Last night on "60 Minutes," Steve Kroft sat down with Conan O'Brien and asked him if he thought he got screwed, among other things. O'Brien joked that his contract with NBC prohibited him from speaking frankly on the matter, but that even if he didn't have a contract his opinions would remain cordial.Obviously Conan was hurt by the whole ordeal, and Leno and Zucker don't play in his sandbox anymore, but the former "Tonight Show" host insists that he didn't get screwed. Really, Conan? I mean, I don't exactly feel sorry for him considering he walked away with over $35 million, but when a prostitute walks away with a sweaty palm full of cash she knows how she earned it. She got screwed. And that's okay. Check out the full interview below.
Melissa Bacelar is well known in the horror world, and makes fanboys swoon when she appears at their conventions. She also was once a bartender at Coyote Ugly in NYC, an establishment that was then adapted into a horror movie itself. A word from Melissa: "If we look like bimbos or scientists that is what we will be cast as."How does one look like a scientist exactly? It's the pocket protector, isn't it? This damn thing. I knew there was a reason I wasn't landing lumberjack parts. Fanboys, quick! More pics of Melissa after the jump.
This recut "Seinfeld" footage does a fantastic job turning George Constanza into a decent, compassionate, caring individual. His lack of cynicism makes me itchy underneath my skin. Bring back Independent George. Relationship George is a pussy. (BuzzFeed)These links…are makin' me thirsty!Jackie Earle Haley on 'Nightmare on Elm Street' (Moviefone)How to Be a Porn Star Magnet (Asylum)Lindsay Lohan Gets Trigger-Happy Pics (PopEater) 25 Women With Mustaches (HolyTaco)Brendan Fraser: Kind of a Spaz (FilmDrunk)Humans vs. Animals in Movies (Unreality)Cheating Coach Caught On Camera (TotalProSports)Found Porn (Maxim)Jonathan Goulet Had to Choke a B*tch Out (CagePotato)Miley Cyrus Can Not Wait to Get Naked (CelebJihad)25 Toothless Hockey Players (Smosh)10 Movies That Take Place in One Day (Pajiba)Gaining Wealth Through Wealth Seminars (Atom)Best Ways to Break Your Bad Habits (MadeMan)Earnhardt Jr. National Enquirer Story (AllLeftTurns)30 Entertaining "Meanwhile in" Pics (RegretfulMorning)