What a bunch of dorks. Except for Sam Waterston. Jack McCoy rules.

Of course, it’s not like they were seeing a huge return on investment for the paucity of viewers that adopted the 3D technology. Essentially, ESPN was doing the heavy lifting that would have enabled other networks to ride the wave that they created almost unilaterally.

But still, what was ESPN expecting in the three years or so? People only buy TVs every so often, and glasses-free 3D technology is expected to hit stores this Christmas, so maybe a little more patience was due.

In any event, until someone else steps up on the broadcasting end, we’re going to have to watch our sports in HD in two dimensions. Like poor people out of a Dickens story.

Or you could just leave your bank’s logo on there, which is another soulless entity that will eat you alive (with countless fees!)

I’ll leave now.

I’m so happy that this will mesh with our readership’s taste. Screen Junkies readers LOVE stories based on child-raising books. Oh, it warrants mentioning that the series of books is based on a Twitter account that was created during a particularly trying day for a housewife.

It’s not quire the the origin story of 50 Shades of Grey, but it’s still bad enough to report.

And Portlandia will be leading the charge. For two more years at least, as IFC announced they’ve renewed the show that has served as the cornerstone of their expanding comedy lineup.

Portland, the city, is probably thrilled with the news, as they’re pretty much only known for this and the Trailblazers, and the Trailblazers ain’t the Trailblazers of the Clyde Drexler years, if ya know what I’m sayin’.

You don’t know what I’m saying, but that’s ok. It’s a good show, and we’re happy it’s renewed.

Fuse is giving Insane Clown Posse a TV show that will be based on the web series Insane Clown Posse Theater, and will carry the same name. The show will feature comedy sketches (HILARIOUS, I’m sure), commentary on music videos, and commentary on viral videos.

So it will be a somehow dumber version of Tosh.0. Perfect. Just what the world needed. The show starts July 24th, so we have until then to destroy all broadcasting devices or colonize the moon or something.

Deadline reports that Harmon is returning, despite having been fired by Sony, after the cast clamored to get him back after a lackluster fourth season. It’s assumed that this fifth season will be the show’s last, but, when we’re talking about any NBC show, especially Community, every season is assumed to be its last until proven otherwise.

Audiences are in for a 13-episode season that will in no way live up to expectations.

Those who watched ‘The Rains of Castamere” went to bed with an icky, horrible feeling that, if they are me, are still carrying around. Ignoring their work, duties at home, and wondering how they’ll ever experience happiness again. Turns out, we’re not alone. Series creators D.B. Weiss and David Benioff feel the same way, and they’re the guys who cast this sadness upon us. Here they discuss what went into the much talked about episode and the emotional difficulties of having to craft such a thing. It’s refreshing to see that although they are MONSTERS, at least they are conflicted monsters.

Sigh, guess I’m Team Stannis now.

Counting the seven funniest moments in the history of the recently resurrected sitcom Arrested Development would be a little like trying to isolate the seven coldest pieces of ice in the freezer, or the bluest blue man in the Blue Man Group. But that won’t stop me from trying, with this scientifically compiled and collated compendium of the most hilarious moments of the series’ legendary first three seasons.

“Breakfast.” – “Pilot”

One of the central running gags of Arrested Development is Michael Bluth’s perpetual inability to communicate with his son George Michael, despite his absolute devotion to him. Perhaps the first example of this can be found in this exchange, when father and son have a misunderstanding about what the most important thing in life is.

Carl Weathers’ Airport Shuttle Scheme – “Public Relations”

Of all the sitcoms in television history to utilize the celebrity guest star, Arrested Development is probably the best at it. Oftentimes a celebrity will hop on to the show as if out of nowhere, like when a fleeting reference to an acting class taught by Carl Weathers leads to perhaps the show’s best celebrity guest appearance. It’s hard to pick the best of Weathers’ multiple cameos, but his introduction as a loophole-crazed spendthrift on an airport shuttle with Tobias Funke is definitely up there.

The Desi Awards “En Memorio” – “Key Decisions”

Another key part of Arrested Development’s charm is its blink-and-you’ll-miss-them throwaway gags, often ingeniously parodying certain aspects of TV and movies. My favorite is the short tribute to departed makeup artist Ramon Villalobos. Rest in peace, Ramon.

Buster Gets His Hand Bitten Off By A Seal – “Out On A Limb”

There are many possible ways to end the sentence “Buster gets his hand bitten off by a ____.” But “seal” is probably the funniest – don’t ask me why, I’m not a comedy scientist. And the fact that the phrase “loose seal” sounds just like “Lucile,” the name of Buster’s domineering mother and matriarch of the Bluth clan, is just one of those Arrested Development grace notes that seems like a gift from God.

Mrs. Featherbottom Takes A Tumble – “Meet the Veals”

Just so you know, it was really, really hard not to have this list just be 7 of Tobias’ best moments. But if I had to pick just one minimally context-necessary Tobias moment, it would be the time he in his alter-ego of “Mrs. Featherbottom” (basically a mixture of Mrs. Doubtfire and Mary Poppins) attempts to fly from a second floor staircase to the ground with nothing but an umbrella.

Bluth Family Chicken Dance – “For British Eyes Only”

When you get right down to it, Arrested Development is essentially about family. That’s why so many of the show’s running gags involving all of the Bluths using similar phrases, having similar problems, or not knowing the Spanish word for “brother.” But my favorite is their bizarre inability to correctly imitate a chicken. It’s spread out among the show’s four seasons, but in this glorious moment three Bluths did three different chicken dances at once.

“And That’s How You Narrate A Story” – “Spring Breakout”

Narrator Ron Howard is one of the unsung heroes of Arrested Development, but he finally gets sung after all when the show’s plot has Carl Weathers directing an episode of the TV show Scandalmakers about the Bluths that features a mediocre narrator. Howard, a narrator who takes pride in his work, takes every opportunity to criticize the other guy’s subpar narration, and finally ends the episode on a triumphant note. That’s just good narration right there.

Modeled after shows like Duck Dynasty, Pawn Stars, and just about every show in Bravo‘s insipid, brain cell-squashing programming line-up, the series of ads from PBS’s New York station, Thirteen, launched with a poster for The Dillionaire, which is presumably about a guy who made a fortune selling pickles. The ad is accompanied by the message, “The fact that you thought this was a real show says a lot about the state of TV.” It goes on to ask, “Support quality programming. Visit us at thirteen.org.”

Pretty clever campaign, if only PBS had the quality programming to back it up. Downton Abbey, lame and goofy after the first season. Antiques Roadshow, it’s about antiques. Tavis Smiley, probably farts in elevators. What that channel needs is a show like Knitting Wars. Who wouldn’t watch that? You know if you watch long enough you’re going to see an old lady reel off and stab someone. Aren’t potty-mouthed, violent septuagenarians what entertainment is all about? It’s exactly what made Betty White fascinating again. If Thirteen is accepting pitches, I’d like to speak with them about Violent Oldies. Let’s make each other rich.

Here are the other ads in the campaign to remind you how dumb you are.

(Thirteen)

All in all, the once creepy show looks much more palatable. By that, I mean at least they’ve scaled back on the bronzer from last season.

That’s actually not true at all. We write about it because it’s the best comedy of the past million years, and stories about Arrested Development are largely more interesting than stories about anything else.

This one is no exception.

After months of rumors (that I apparently had never heard) that the new season of A.D. was going to be constructed in such a fashion that the episodes can be played in any order, it turns out that creator Mitch Hurwitz has taken to Twitter to deny that.

Oh well. As far as I’m concerned, the first three seasons can be watched in any order with a such a small drop-off of enjoyment that I’m pretty sure this next season will be the same thing.

Unless the season sucks.

OH NO!

The show, so far untitled, has a murderer’s row of comedians, including T.J. Miller, Thomas Middleditch, Josh Brener, Lindsey Broad, Christopher Evan Welch, Amanda Crew, Angela Trimbur, ZachWoods and Kumail Nanjiani. But those guys will be pretty funny!

The tagline that has been bandied about here is “the people most qualified to succeed are the least capable of handling success.” Ugh. That describes every Aaron Sorkin project ever. Of course, it’s Mike Judge, so we needn’t worry.

You know, staplers, and whatnot.

Soooo… (SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN SEASON 8 FINALE)

If Ted doesn’t find his wife over the course of this weekend, I’m pretty sure this announcement allows us to bludgeon the producers, the cast, and most any other person on the planet out of sheer frustration.

It’s anticipated that the future wife/mother will be played by Cristin Milioti, and it’s been revealed that Ted will be the last of his friends to meet her, possibly because he’s a whiney tool, possibly because it helps the story.

However, you’ll have to make peace with your decision knowing that there is a fake Tobias Fünke website out there that serves the fictitious purpose of promoting a closeted homosexual’s fledgling acting career.

So, you can refuse to binge on AD hype for the next few days, or you can give in to those urges and visit Insert My Anywhere.

If it helps, Insert Me Anywhere has this banner ad:

Yet here we are as Robert Rodriguez divulges that the adaptation will be the backbone of his El Rey Network, which is an English-language station that will be geared towards Hispanic audiences. Already, I can hear hipsters salivating over the prospect of enjoying this channel ironically, spilling their taco truck tacos all over their vests and mustaches.

What a bloodbath.

Yesterday came news of Seth Meyers plans to move down the hall, it’s suspected that Jason Sudeikis will leave to focus on film work, and Fred Armisen’s future with the show is uncertain. Unfortunately, there have been no reports that Kenan Thompson plans to depart.

Meyers will wrap up SNL’s fall season before moving to Late Night this winter, and then probably return to SNL when Leno decides he’s not giving up The Tonight Show after all. (NY Times)

Namely, he doesn’t like that cable bundles force us to buy channels we don’t want or use. It’s a familiar criticism, but one that’s unlikely to change due to the power of cable companies, McCain’s distance from the Senate Commerce Committee, and the fact that the cure might be worse than the disease.

Should cable companies unbundle, subscribers will have to shell out big bucks for their favorite channels like ESPN, FX, AMC, USA, TNT, and TBS, forcing them to realize that maybe they weren’t paying all that much for the Lifetime Movie Network in the first place.

The plan McCain is sponsoring is called the Television Consumer Freedom Act. The phrase “Television Consumer” makes me think of a fat person on the couch watching Anger Management, and “Freedom” makes me think that person is holding a tiny USA flag while doing so.

“We’re in way over our bloody heads here. Let’s just license Raymond.”

(That’s how I imagine the BBC producers addressing the issue. You can tell they’re British because of their colorful language.)

It’s called The Smiths, and it will star Catherine Tate and Lee Mack as the schlubmaster general.

Of course, Russia already took to adapting Raymond, which tells us that a) TV execs aren’t very creative in other countries either, and b) lots of audiences worldwide hate their families.

Enter Twivo, an app that strips all the spoilers from your Twitter timeline. Actually, it removes all references to TV shows and characters that you select, leaving you with a Twitter feed that’s probably just a bunch of pictures of food with the hashtags #belieber and #selfie.

SOOOOOO, if, for instance, you didn’t want to know that (SPOILER ALERT FOR REALS) Jamie Lanister lost his hand right before a bitchin’ Hold Steady cover of “The Bear and the Maiden Fair,” then you would probably pull “Jamie Lannister” and “Game of Thrones” from your Twitter feed using the app.

You can now find the app as a Chrome plug-in, but expect to see Twivo as a standalone app sometime around the end of this sentence.

May I editorialize?

Thank you.

Veep is perhaps the funniest half-hour of TV on…TV. You know how people like funny shows that offer up a lot of heart as well? Those people didn’t like this show because this show hadn’t shown any heart. Until the last episode which offered an ending that leads the audience to believe that Selina Meyer MIGHT care about the decisions she makes, and her political career isn’t just one giant game.

While the show serves as a pretty bleak vantage point of contemporary politics, it doesn’t have to. You CAN just like the show because it’s a bunch of inept, weird people cursing at each other and their fun idiosyncrasies.

I promise no more editorializing for ten days, at least.

Oliver, in typical dry, pithy, British fashion, blogged, “”Don’t worry, it’s still going to be everything that you love about The Daily Show, just without the thing that you love the most about it.” Oh, John with an “h,” you’re just as special as “h”-less Jon, and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Oliver steps in on June 10th with guest Seth Rogen, who many of you may know as having played schlubs his entire acting career.

Here is the message sent along with the grotesque image:

“Our man vs wild producer suffering from a brutal snake bite – fighting the injury with courage.”

Intriguing? Yes. But don’t look down any further. Please don’t look down any further. This is far more gross than what you’re expecting. Looking any further after these warnings is akin to reading from the Necromicon and unleashing psychological hell beasts on your mind.

Okay. I’ve prepped you. Here it is:

The above picture is an approximation of the injury just in case you think you want to pull out now. Honestly, I’m not sure why you’re intent on seeing this. But if I must share, I will.

We here at ScreenJunkies would like everyone to join us in wishing this Man Vs. Wild producer got this on tape. (Bear Grylls Twitter)

The interview will air Sunday, and will mark Jason Collins’ historic 1,000,000,000th interview this week. PROUD OF YOU, JASON!

It’s unlikely Opes will break any new ground in her interview, as the subject became well-worn territory the afternoon that it was announced, but she can inject a gravitas to the interview that no one else can. And to her legions of followers, Oprah

The premise of a school teacher traveling back to the 1960′s to stop the assassination of JFK seems to be right up Abrams’ alley with both the time traveling and the elements of 1960′s culture.

This announcement should keep Abrams’ attention until next week, when he will get behind a gritty reboot of Mario Bros. or something.

The film will be based on graphic novels of the beast which paint the MONSTER as endearingly human and vulnerable. So that’s where the similarities to Seth Rogen stop, apparently. Just kidding. JUST KIDDING. He’s likable in small-to-moderate doses.

Rogen will be teaming up with his writing partner Evan Goldberg and American Dad writer Matt McKenna, so…expect a comedy?

This isn’t his first stab at the undertaking, having developed a pilot in 2003 that never went anywhere, but that’s back when TV was terrible, and now it’s really good. Which means it should be made on a cable network, possibly on, I don’t know, a Sunday night?

Assuming it does get picked up, it probably won’t find its way to FX, where they’re developing Shakedown, a similar concept about tabloids and corruption in LA in the late 1950′s.

I think there’s room for two shows this awesome on TV at the same time. (A.V. Club)