However, there are some actors who, for one reason or another, surpass Mr. Allen in the annoying department, in my humble opinion. Let’s take a look at a few who can torpedo a movie with even so much as a cameo.

Jay Leno

Ok. Jay Leno isn’t an actor. But he appears in countless films as himself, a talk-show host who serves as the indicator that a character now exists in the cultural lexicon. His presence has become so clichéd, as have the inevitable bad, one-off joke that his “character” delivers, that I hate to see him in any film. He’s a lumbering bridge between the fictional world and the real world that terminates suspension of disbelief and serves as a reminder that Jay Leno exists and that I just paid $15 to see him in a movie, if only for a second.

Harvey Fierstein

I don’t know what raspy rock this guy climbed out from under, but I wish he would get back to it. Fortunately, he doesn’t make too many appearances these days, so I’m able to largely keep him out of mind. But his turn in Independence Day still haunts me, my only solace being the knowledge that his character got crushed by a flying car. His voice and affectations dominate every scene. His acting is the equivalent of Brad Pitt deciding that he’s going to do every film from now on with a KFC bucket on his head, but way less awesome than that.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Here uber-calm demeanor always has me feeling as though she is conducting an internal monologue. Granted, the heavy-handed narrative of SATC has everything to do with this, but we’re talking about effects here, not causes. She seems superhumanly patient with everything, always speaking with thinly-veiled exasperation that never seem to develop into anything more. And that’s annoying, like being around a person whose default setting is “whiney” when they’re oblivious to it.

Whether they are guilty or innocent is up for the courts to decide. However, I can present to you these ten characters from movies who are undoubtedly criminals, and undoubtedly elderly.

Ray – Small Time Crooks

CRIME: Attempted Bank Robbery

Leading a gang of hapless criminals, Ray comes up with the perfect plan. Lease an empty restaurant across the street from a bank, then tunnel beneath the street to clean it out. Sadly, his plan doesn’t quite work. but the cookies his wife sells out of the restaurant are a huge success.

Maude – Harold and Maude

CRIME: Statutory Rape

A morbid teenager named Harold sees something special in 79-year-old Maude and strikes up a romance with her. This outrages his family, psychiatrist, and priest. It’s pretty rough when a priest is giving you romantic advice.

Abby and Martha Brewster – Arsenic and Old Lace

CRIME: Murder

Elderly sisters Abby and Martha lure old men to their home and serve them poisoned refreshments. They then have their Teddy Roosevelt-impersonating-nephew dispose of the bodies.

7 photosPenelope Cruz

While we might not have the foggiest notion of what The Bop Decameron is about, we do know who will be in it. Alec Baldwin had already been cast, and an announcement today indicates that Woody is going back to his stable of regulars, including the likes of himself, Roberto Benigni, Penélope Cruz, Judy Davis, Jesse Eisenberg, Greta Gerwig and Ellen Page. Co-stars include Antonio Albanese, Fabio Armiliata, Alessandra Mastronardi, Ornella Muti, Flavio Parenti, Alison Pill, Riccardo Scamarcio and Alessandro Tiberi.

The film shoots in Rome next month. How do you say “nebbish” in Italian? Oh. That’s right. Meschino.

Bananas

When people talk about Woody Allen’s pure comedies, there’s a good chance that this is the Woody Allen movie they’re talking about. The story, about a guy (Woody Allen, of course) who becomes a South American dictator in order to impress a woman, is absolutely packed with gags from start to finish – at least two of them involving Howard Cosell. If you like anarchic, absurd gags, check out Bananas, undoubtedly one of the funniest Woody Allen movies.

Interiors

On the other end of the spectrum is Interiors, an entirely humor-free homage to Woody Allen’s idol Ingmar Bergman. Just because it ain’t funny doesn’t mean it ain’t good, though. Here’s a Woody Allen movie that does what all great drama does – punch you in the gut and then crawl inside your head and never leave. A lot of people don’t like Interiors because of its vastly different tone from most other Woody Allen movies (September and Another Woman excepted), but if you have an open mind there’s no reason for you not to dig it.

Annie Hall

This is probably the definitive Woody Allen movie, in that it’s a perfect blend between the early, funny, anything-for-a-laugh stuff and the more mature comedies and dramas Woody Allen would be known for later. It’s also a pitch-perfect depiction of a brief romantic relationship that has Woody Allen using every stylistic trick in his arsenal, including but not limited to: Subtitles, animation, breaking the fourth wall, celebrity cameos, long takes, and bad karaoke.

Hannah and Her Sisters

In our opinion, this is not only an essential Woody Allen movie, but probably the best movie Woody ever made. It has a massive ensemble cast too large to list here, and features several interconnected dramatic arcs involving the loves and losses of Hannah and her two sisters. It also features what is perhaps Woody Allen’s best performance on screen. Why wouldn’t you watch this movie?

Match Point

When Match Point came out in 2005, many people noticed that it was a change of pace for Woody Allen. Namely, it falls into the genre of “thriller,” which is not something very many Woody Allen movies came close to before then (maybe Crimes and Misdemeanors, which is excellent). However, Woody pulls this off with such confidence and deftness, it’s a wonder he hadn’t been making movies like this for ages. We don’t want to spoil the plot in case you haven’t seen it, but it’s a Woody Allen movie that will start out as a typical drama, but will end up holding you on the edge of your seat in a way that you probably wouldn’t expect from Woody Allen. Until now, anyway.

This is a mere handful of Woody Allen’s movies, who’s been churning out practically a movie a year for decades. But these five pretty much run the Woody Allen gamut, from light and ridiculous comedies to heavy and suspenseful dramatic thrillers. So if you’ve been living under a rock for those decades and haven’t checked any Woody Allen movies out, wouldn’t now be a good time?

A word from Carla: “I don’t know what the fuss is about.”

Gil (Owen Wilson) is a frustrated writer, successful in Hollywood but he really wants to be a novelist. Yes, another whiny, self-loathing writer character. He’s in Paris with his wife Inez (Rachel McAdams) planning their wedding. When the clock strikes twelve, Gil is able to visit the past and meet famous literary and artistic figures.

It’s a good idea, modern day Woody Allen surrogate hanging out with highbrow pop culture figures. They just don’t make any jokes. Ernest Hemingway (Corey Stoll) has tough love wisdom but it’s not funny. Zelda Fitzgerald (Alison Pill) is an oversensitive lush and F. Scott (Tom Hiddleston) is so modest it’s hard to get much out of his appearance. Maybe if I paid more attention in high school English I’d get it.

‘Midnight In Paris’ Trailer: Now It’s Owen Wilson’s Turn To Imitate Woody Allen

The real story is that Gil falls for Adriana (Marion Cotillard) in the past. She’s one of Pablo Picasso’s lovers, but of course the temperamental artist doesn’t appreciate her like modern day romanticist Gil. It’s not quite as typical as the usual older man/younger muse relationship Allen loves to write about, and there’s also nothing moving about it.

Don’t cry for Inez though. She’s pretty awful in the typical “why are they together in the first place” way of romantic comedies. She only does what she wants and even complains if gifts aren’t to her liking. Gil just babbles to try to keep her satisfied, and there’s no wi buried in those frantic rants.

The only payoff for Gil’s trips to the past are when he’s able to tell off a know-it-all snob who keeps lecturing the group about art. Otherwise, Gil just makes excuses to explain why he’s out all night. He gives artists their own ideas, since he’s from the future and knows the great works they haven’t written yet. You know, like Marvin Berry in Back to the Future.

The ultimate point about our obsession with so-called Golden Ages is obvious, and Gil still babbles his way to that conclusion. Midnight in Paris may be a love letter to Woody Allen’s favorite era and its greatest artists, but it’s superficial and dull.

This is the same movie that also stars Ellen Page, Jesse Eisenberg, Alec Baldwin, and Roberto Benigni, so the chance of laffs are high, I’d say. For those keeping track, this will be Woody Allen‘s first appearance on camera since 2006′s Scoop, which I, and I alone, liked.

Roberto Benigni: That’s your cue.

The writer/director who won an Academy Award for 1997′s Life is Beautiful and ruined Pinocchio for the four people who saw his version is said to be close to appearing in Woody Allen’s latest. He would join Alec Baldwin, Jesse Eisenberg, Penolope Cruz, and Ellen Page in roaming the streets of Italy and talking about white-people problems. The film is being dubbed a “Rome-com,” which is just the type of joke that Woody Allen fans will love and normal people will hate.

Benigni has been off Americans’ radar since a brief appearance in in Jim Jarmusch’s Coffee and Cigarettes. Unless you consider appearances in Jim Jarmusch and Woody Allen films as keeping the “off the radar” streak alive. Which I do. (Deadline)

Ellen Page has always seemed like a Woody Allen character to me, so I’m interested to see how she fares when actually put in that neurotic world. Will she become super-sassy and verbose, or will she find a new gear that gets her outside of the cliche she’s built upon herself? I’m expecting the former, but hoping for the latter.

As for Eisenberg, he does a fairly good job of creating neuroses in any film he joins, so appearing in a Woody Allen film seems a little redundant, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. If we can get another gem like “Winklevii” out of it, then it will have all been worthwhile. (Variety)

Baldwin already knocked out step 1 in 1990′s Alice, so he’s on to step 2. Step 2: If you run out of real movies to act in, get in another Woody Allen movie. It doesn’t matter which one. They’re all pretty much the same.

And that’s where we find ourselves today. Baldwin has attached himself to Allen’s next untitled film, which is rumored to star The Social Network‘s Jesse Eisenberg. Producers – plan the hoodie budget line item accordingly.

Allen has forgone shooting in NYC in his latest pictures not just due to monetary concerns, but also because he has found that the change in scenery has nurtured his creative process. But apparently not enough to stop casting Scarlett Johansson in his movies. (Deadline)

PENELOPE CRUZ will team up with director Woody Allen once again, this time on a film set in Rome. There are no plot details yet, but the computer program I wrote says the odds are very high that it won’t be as good as earlier Woody Allen movies. (EW)

THANDIE NEWTON will play opposite Tyler Perry in his next film Good Deeds, which Perry will write and direct as well. The film is about a successful businessman who must choose between his rich fiancée and a down-on-her-luck single mother. Even if it’s bad, Newton can take comfort that it can’t be worse than Norbit. (TheWrap)

JAY BARUCHEL will join Robert Pattinson, Samantha Morton, and Paul Giamatti in David Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis. Pattinson plays a billionaire who loses everything he has in one day, including his new wife. Bad things happening to Pattinson, I can get on board with. Baruchel plays the original founder and conscious at Pattinson’s company. (Deadline)

MAGGIE GRACE will star alongside Liam Neeson in Taken 2, produced by Luc Besson. And yes, the will-he-or-won’t-he-tension of whether Neeson would take on Taken 2 has been resolved in the affirmative. Eight-time “Namey” award winner Olivier Megaton will direct. (Deadline) (Collider)

In the film, Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams play a young, engaged couple spending time in Paris. Wilson’s character develops a fondness for wandering alone around the City Of Lights. He then finds that he prefers to do that over spending time with Rachel McAdams. See what I mean? That’s less believable than Sleeper.

Anyway, the movie has a typically Woody Allen cast full of standouts, including Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Marion Cotillard,  Kathy Bates, Adrien Brody, and a cameo appearance the wife of the President of France, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. I hope she speaks English and knows how to pronounce “Dostoevsky,” otherwise she’s doomed to fail in a Woody Allen movie. (via Deadline)

Sony Pictures Classics is also interested in the latest documentary from Super Size Me McAuteur Morgan Spurlock, The Greatest Movie Ever Sold. It appears to be kind of a documentary-about-a-documentary depicting Spurlock’s attempts to get sponsors for his movie, etc. Expect a fun moral about the evils of advertising and corporate sponsorship. Spurlock himself recently told The Hollywood Reporter: “Everywhere you look it seems like something’s being brought to you by some sponsor or some corporation. So we said, ‘Why not make a doc that looks at that and have the brands actually pay for it?’” Brought to you by Toyota! (IndieWire)

They don’t call him Academy Award winner Sir Anthony Hopkins for nothing. We know Sir Anthony transforms himself into any character on screen or stage, but he can do anybody in real life too. At the press junket for Woody Allen’s latest movie, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, the actor launched into a dead on Woody Allen impression. Hopkins starts describing the direction Allen gives after a take. About 12 seconds in, he miraculously goes from Sir Anthony to Woody Allen.

Check out the clip after the jump…

Anthony Hopkins Impersonates Woody Allen – Watch more Funny Videos

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Oh man, Woody Allen is really Woody Allening it up in the trailer for You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger. The film stars Naomi Watts, Josh Brolin, Anthony Hopkins, Freida Pinto, Antonio Banderas, Lucy Punch, and Gemma Jones all unhappily shuffling through life, falling in and out of love, as an omniscient narrator delivers the subtext.

It could be a sequel to Vicky Christina Barcelona with the unfortunate absence of Scarlett Johansson‘s pouty lips. Allen even managed to make Brolin a schlubby writer with self-esteem issues. Put down that hammer, Woody, you’re breaking too much new ground!

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger plops down into theaters September 22, 2010.

Check out the trailer after the jump…

Director: Woody Allen

Cast: Naomi Watts, Josh Brolin, Anthony Hopkins, Antonio Banderas, Freida Pinto, Lucy Punch, Gemma Jones

Synopsis: Unhappy people fall in and out of love in a Woody Allen fashion.

Release Date: September 22, 2010