Screen Junkies » what to expect when you’re expecting http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Wed, 17 Sep 2014 22:16:30 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 What Not To Expect: 8 Actresses Ruined By Pregnancy http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/what-not-to-expect-8-actresses-ruined-by-pregnancy/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/what-not-to-expect-8-actresses-ruined-by-pregnancy/#comments Fri, 18 May 2012 15:59:23 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=248757 They got more than they were expecting.

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What To Expect When You’re Expecting opens this weekend, and a wave of dangerous female body dysmporphia will no doubt follow. The film champions pregnancy as a magical and rewarding experiencing without adequately representing the counter argument of ‘Yuck!’ Nor does it mention that your feet grow, forcing you to throw out your shoe collection. You also get bad diarrhea and a room full of strangers sees your vagina.

Still don’t believe us? As a service to our female readers, we’ve compiled this list of actresses ruined by their pregnancies. Plan accordingly ladies.

Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba hasn’t racked up the movie roles since giving birth to her first daughter four years ago. You may be inclined to blame that on The Love Guru but I think it’s clear what happened here. Having a child ruined her.

Take the above photo from the January 2012 issue of InStyle Australia for instance. Note the fatigue in the mother of two’s hair. No doubt the result of getting two hours of sleep a night. It’s safe to say had she not become a mother, she’d be able to make it into the American version of InStyle and The Love Guru would have Oscars.

Heidi Klum

Supermodel and mother of four, Heidi Klum, appeared naked in the May 2012 issue of Allure and the results weren’t pretty. Would you look at that? Having children completely drained her vibrancy and color. Now she’s forced to always appear black and white. It’s sad.

Angelina Jolie

Now Angelina Jolie had the right idea. Rather than beat the sh*t out of her womb with needless sucklings, the beauty decided to adopt her children, thus providing for her maternal instincts without depriving the world of watching her raid tombs in tight outfits. However, even the sweetest dreams must flicker away and give way to the harsh light of reality.

Jolie threw her body in the toilet in 2006 when she conceived her first biological child with Brad Pitt. The couple went on to have a pair of twins together two years later. Earlier this year Jolie drew a lot of ridicule for her awkward leg pose while presenting at the Academy Awards. Those critics will feel terrible to hear that after giving birth to three children (two at the same time), Jolie’s hips are 100% dislocated irreparably. This happens all the time with pregnancies.

Bridget Moynahan

Since being stricken pregnant in 2006, Bridget Moynahan has broken up with Tom Brady, acted inBattle: Los Angeles, and found love with McG. I hate it when bad things happen to good people.

Rebecca Romijn

Rebecca Romijn began a successful career as a model with Sports Illustrated and Victoria’s Secret at the barely legal age of nineteen. Since that time she has gone on to achieve international fame as an actress with success across several genres. All that hard work for nothing.

Romijn now plays mom to the twins she had with actor Jerry O’Connell. As you can see from her pictures in the March 2012 issue of Fitness Magazine, she’s still in amazing shape. HOWEVER, what is deal with the pinky on her left hand?

That’s tiny even by pinky standards. It more than likely can be linked to the stretching of her birth canal. Way to ruin it for the rest of us, Jerry.

Elizabeth Hurley


It can be argued that Elizabeth Hurley is enjoying a career resurgence since giving birth to her son ten years ago. She starred recently on Gossip Girl as an attractive cougar hopping into bed with younger men and is also a successful swimwear designer. Designs which she models herself. Well, let’s not get all caught up in how wonderful and sexy she looks. Fact remains, this woman once had another life growing inside of her. Repulsive.

She also told British magazine Zest that she eats three times as much as her beau, Australian spin-bowler Shane Warne. I don’t know what spin-bowling is but I bet it requires excessive calories be burned. What hunger did that childbeast leave behind in you, Elizabeth?

Halle Berry


There was once a time that just saying the name “Halle Berry” would cause men to drop to their knees and ejaculate uncontrollably before drifting into a dissociative fugue state. That time was 1991 – 2008. In 2008, Berry gave birth to a little girl. Since then her career and image have been beaten by a burlap sack stuffed with feces. Metaphorically.

However, you can see the toll that child-rearing has had on her looks. Note the slimy green substance that now oozes from her pores and scalp. How far she has fallen.

Rosario Dawson


Wait. She doesn’t have a kid? Then where the Hell has she been?

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The ‘What To Expect When You’re Expecting’ Trailer Might Not Be Targeted Towards Men http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/the-what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting-trailer-might-not-be-targeted-towards-men/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/the-what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting-trailer-might-not-be-targeted-towards-men/#comments Sat, 10 Dec 2011 00:05:56 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=239349 I feel like I just gave birth by watching this trailer.

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ARRGH! I’VE NEVER IN MY LIFE WATCHED A TRAILER SO CLEARLY NOT INTENDED FOR MY DEMOGRAPHIC!

I can’t find humor to bridge the gap between me, a 31 year-old male film blogger, and this film. There’s no connection here. It’s not like they even created this movie for women. It’s like they created it with the expressed purpose of ensuring that no man, not a one, would pay to see it.

Here’s how I saw the pitch meeting going:

Exec #1: Well, the source material, the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting will really resonate with women in their child bearing years, and probably older women who look back upon their pregnancies with fondness. But what about men aged 18-49?

Exec #2: FUCK MEN AGED 18-49!

Exec #1: Yes, of course.

From the simpletons who (probably) brought you I Don’t Know How She Does It comes this film, an examination of female paradigms who:

  • Dance with the stars
  • Get hormonal
  • Enjoy their larger breasts
  • Adopt African babies (OMG! So cute!)

And the shithead men that apparently can’t find their dicks with both hands.

Further lending credence to the theory that if you can’t tell one compelling story in a film, use an ensemble to tell six and the women will get confused and default to empty smiles.

See also:

  • Love Actually 
  • Valentine’s Day
  • New Year’s Eve
  • He’s Just Not That Into You

That’s all for now.

Oh, before I forget, Chris Rock, Thomas Lennon, Rob Huebel? Can you guys hang back? I would like to have a word with you.

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Elizabeth Banks To Destroy Her Body In ‘What To Expect When You’re Expecting’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/elizabeth-banks-to-destroy-her-body-in-what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/elizabeth-banks-to-destroy-her-body-in-what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting/#comments Mon, 11 Jul 2011 21:55:47 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=219673 She'll play the proud proprietor of The Breast Choice.

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6 photosElizabeth Banks

Elizabeth Banks has joined the ranks of beautiful women destroying their awesome bodies with pregnancy in Lionsgate‘s adaptation of What To Expect When You’re Expecting. She’ll join the previously cast Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Anna Kendrick, Brooklyn Decker, and Chris Rock in the romantic comedy as “an author and owner of The Breast Choice boutique who is militant in her beliefs about what makes a good mother until she gets pregnant for the first time.”

The Breast Choice boutique. I don’t know what a store called that would sell but I’d like to imagine that items are selected to purchase by putting a breast close to them. Like a divining rod except instead of vibrating, it leaks a little. And I really hope Brooklyn Decker shops there. (Deadline)

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Casting Round Up: Rachel Bilson, J.B. Smoove, And The Guy That Played Xerxes in ’300′ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/casting-round-up-rachel-bilson-j-b-smoove-and-the-guy-that-played-xerxes-in-300/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/casting-round-up-rachel-bilson-j-b-smoove-and-the-guy-that-played-xerxes-in-300/#comments Wed, 06 Jul 2011 19:49:28 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=219099 'What to Expect...' takes another poor soul, while J.B. and Rachel bring the funny to a couple actual comedies.

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7 photosRachel Bilson

What do these three actors have in common? As usual, absolutely nothing, other than the fact that they got work in the pas 24 hours or so. Hang on…

Rodrigo Santoro, who made a name for himself as the badass, heavily pierced Xerxes in 300, has gone decidedly less badass in his next role as J. Lo’s husband in the pregnancy ensemble romcom What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Wow. That sentence just sent a wicked chill down my spine. Say a prayer for poor Rodrigo before you go to bed tonight. (THR)

In happier, more sensible news, J.B. Smoove, most known for his uproarious (and I NEVER use that word) Curb Your Enthusiasm character Leon Black, will takes his talents to Sacha Baron Cohen‘s The Dictator. Unfortunately, they’ve decided to make the details of this move a closely guarded secret, so we’ll have to just assume that Smoove’s character will be some sort of awesome guy. Deal?

The comedy all-star parade previously known as The Hand Job (now known as the more marketable The To Do List) adds two one familiar name and one familiar face to its roster. The sex comedy starring Aubrey Plaza added Rachel Bilson and the ubiquitous Agent Coulson of the Marvel films universe, Clark Gregg. These two will join (deep breath) Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Alia Shawkat, Mae Whitman, Johnny Simmons, Donald Glover, Connie Britton, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Scott Porter, D.C. Pierson and Dominic Dierkes. (Playlist)

 

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You Can Expect To See Chris Rock & Brooklyn Decker In ‘What To Expect When You’re Expecting’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/you-can-expect-to-see-chris-rock-brooklyn-decker-in-what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/you-can-expect-to-see-chris-rock-brooklyn-decker-in-what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting/#comments Fri, 01 Jul 2011 13:38:57 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=218731 You should also expect to see Anna Kendrick's boobs get bigger.

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7 photosBrooklyn Decker

Looks like What To Expect When You’re Expecting is getting the full-on high profile ensemble cast treatment. More popularly known as the He’s Just Not That Into You casting technique, the Kirk Jones film has added Chris Rock, Anna Kendrick, and Brooklyn Decker to the cast that already includes Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz.

Rock will play the head of a group of expectant fathers who speaks at unnecessarily loud volumes and Kendrick and Decker will both play mommies-to-be. Kendrick’s character is Rosie, a girl who becomes pregnant after hooking up with a fellow food truck owner. Five bucks says they open a bakery truck called “Bun In The Oven.” Decker, meanwhile, will play an impossibly hot woman married to an older man. She pisses off all her friends when she breezes through a pregnancy with twins and is still awarded the Congressional Medal Of Women I’d Like To Motorboat. Haters gonna hate. (Deadline and Deadline)

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Cameron Diaz Cheapens Herself With Ensemble Pregnancy Rom-Com http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/cameron-diaz-cheapens-herself-with-ensemble-pregnancy-rom-com/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/cameron-diaz-cheapens-herself-with-ensemble-pregnancy-rom-com/#comments Thu, 05 May 2011 23:36:07 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=210783 The fact that Cameron Diaz is in this film is actually more disturbing than childbirth itself.

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Today in “News That Makes Us Giggle, Then Grimace, Then Sob”: Lionsgate is fictionalizing and adapting the instructional pregnancy book What to Expect When You’re Expecting, with Cameron Diaz in final negotiations to star. The adaptation will follow five couples during the ups and don’t of pregnancy. I’m thinking this film might be for the ladies.

One of the things I loved about Cameron Diaz is that she never really fell too hard into the romantic comedy rut (unlike that sellout Katherine Heigl). She did What Happens in Vegas and The Holiday, but only two rom-coms in a career like hers is pretty much a rounding error.

Well, she’s back in that rut, this time in a gynecological Love Actually. And not the sexy kind of “recreational” gynecology, but the medical, speculum-type. Gross. Gross for that and gross for Cameron Diaz for doing this film. Gross all around. (THR)

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Kirk Jones Carries Pregnancy Movie To Term http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kirk-jones-carries-pregnancy-movie-to-term/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kirk-jones-carries-pregnancy-movie-to-term/#comments Wed, 23 Mar 2011 19:15:47 +0000 Dave Horwitz http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=203230 A movie about 5 pregnant couples has just found a director. I can't wait to play count-the-dude's-drinking-breast-milk-jokes.

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If you were just itchin’ for the upcoming film version of the worldwide pregnancy bestseller “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” to find a director, then itch no longer! Kirk Jones, the man who brought us Nanny McPhee will be helming the film for Lionsgate. The film, written by Heather Hach and rewritten by Whip It! screenwriter Shauna Cross, is being described as being similar as being similar to Love Actually in structure, with several expectant couple’s lives intertwining, possibly against the strains of a top 40 soundtrack. This structure has been oft repeated in the last few years in romantic comedies like Valentine’s Day, he’s He’s Just Not That Into You,  and the upcoming New Year’s Eve. It makes for a, let’s say, busy viewing experience. Let’s hope Jones will spend a good deal of time exploring the complexities of each relationship and making them feel full and complete. Or, there’ll just be a lot of breast milk jokes. (Deadline)

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