Screen Junkies » What Happens In Vegas Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 24 Oct 2014 21:39:59 +0000 en hourly 1 The Screen Junkies Top Six: Most Essential “Sin City” Movies Thu, 21 Aug 2014 22:32:06 +0000 Jared Jones A Dame to Kill For can deliver all the gratuitous T n' A and over-the-top violence it wants, but unless it relocates itself to the land of slot machines and cocaine, it will surely fail to live up to the true "Sin City" classics.

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By Jared Jones

This weekend, Eva Green’s awesome boobs march their way into theaters to star in Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For, which let me tell you right now, is most certainly *not* a blatant cashgrab by Frank Miller and Robert Rodriguez based on the success of their 2005 original. So just throw that notion right. out.

Based on my extensive research, I have discovered that neither of the Sin City movies actually take place in Las Vegas, which feels like kind of a cop out to me. Placing any movie in the real “Sin City” automatically boosts its IMDB rating by 2.4 stars. Everyone knows this. A Dame to Kill For can deliver all the gratuitous T n’ A and over-the-top violence it wants, but unless it relocates itself to the land of slot machines and cocaine, it will surely fail to live up to the true “Sin City” classics. Classic like…

Leprechaun 3

Let’s start off with an obvious one. Leprechaun 3 is to Friday the 13th Part 4 what Halloween H20 is to A Nightmare on Elm Street 6, which is to say that it is a remarkable film in almost every regard. Whether it was Warwick Davis‘ reprisal of the role he was quite literally born to play or that truly masterful scene in which a woman has her tits and lips inflated until she explodes that truly put this movie over the top is debatable, but at the end of the day, Leprechaun 3 undeniably owes a debt of gratitude to Las Vegas for making the film the outright success it remains today.

I mean, come on! That “losing streak” pun alone was worth the trip! Not only that, but other Vegas-based puns that could be found on Leprechaun 3 movie posters included:

-”Welcome to Vegas…the odds are you won’t leave alive!”

-”This time, luck has nothing to do with it.”

-”To get out of Vegas alive…you’ll have to stay away from his pot of gold.”

-”The luck of the Irish…you’re dead!”

That one seemed kind of lazy, if you ask me.

Think Like a Man Too

Full confession: I have not seen this movie, but I refuse to believe that a sequel to a movie based off a book by Steve Harvey starring Turtle from Entourage, Kevin Hart (whose screamy,yelly thing never gets old), *and* the music of Mary J. Blige can be anything less than a fun-filled extravaganza. I would like to know, however, just what in the hell is going on in this poster. It is without a doubt one of the worst photoshop disasters I have ever witnessed.

Why is Turtle’s head so big, and why is his expression so calm? He’s pinning a tiny-headed (by comparison), clearly terrified friend down to the table, yet he has the dead-eyed demeanor of a serial rapist. Likewise, why are Kevin Hart’s friends laughing at his apparent misfortunes? Why does anyone laugh at Kevin Hart at all, for that matter?

Is that white guy in the background Lance Armstrong? Is Lance Armstrong in this picture? Do you guys ever have trouble watching that Lance Armstrong scene in Dodgeball, knowing what we all know now? Should they digitally replace Lance Armstrong in that scene in Dodgeball, and with who? So many questions.

Mars Attacks!

Confession #2: This movie was going to wind up on this list whether it was actually set in Nevada or not.

Last Vegas 

Aiming to finally close the debate on whether or not jokes about old guys popping Viagra ever cease to be funny (Spoiler alert: They don’t, ya boner!), Last Vegas saw Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Kline turn in diverse, career-defining roles as, get this, old guys in Vegas! I know, right! I guess it’s just a bonus that Turtle from Entourage is *also* in this movie!!!

“The light at the end of the tunnel has never been brighter…or funnier!” raved Phil Satchelknob of the LA Times when reviewing Last Vegas, “Douglas brings newfound life into his role, literally!”

I tried to describe this movie to my roommate the other day. I said it was basically Space Cowboys meets The Hangover, but set against the neon luminescence of the Sunset Strip. He called me an idiot and spit in my face. We haven’t spoken since.

What Happens in Vegas

Cameron vs. Ashton: The cinematic showdown have been asking for ever since Stallone vs. Lithgow.


Judging by the methods used to market A Dame to Kill For (see: Green’s boobs, Eva), I’m guessing they’ll be handing out lotion and Kleenex along with the 3D glasses at theaters nationwide tomorrow. Holes will be cut out of popcorn buckets. Our understanding of sticky theater floors, redefined. All this, so the story of Marv, Snuffy, Al, Leo, and Little Moe with the gimpy leg can continue on.

If the people behind A Dame to Kill For were smart, however, they would have set the movie in the Las Vegas, added in a show tune element, and slapped an NC-17 rating on it to really give the film the oversexualized punch it needs. Because let’s be honest, Sin City 2 appears to be selling itself as softcore action porn, basically, albeit with ridiculous production values and an A-list cast. But like most Hollywood fare, it lacks the balls to fully commit to the risque image it’s trying to pass off. This is a movie all but daring its audience *not* to jerk off during it, yet it can’t bring an “Elizabeth Hurley getting flogged in a pool while seizuring like a fish out of water” element to the table? Please…

I’m not just praising Showgirls because I learned all of my moves of seduction from it (the fish out of water is still my go-to). I’m simply saying that without that extra, Saved-By-the-Bell -star-getting-f*cking-like-an-electrocuted-corpse boost, A Dame to Kill For is all but destined to wind up a critical and financial failure. Showgirls, on the other hand, grossed over $500 million domestic and is 1 of only 5 films to hold a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes *and* a 10/10 on IMDB. The proof is in the pudding, folks. And no, I don’t mean that as some kind of sex thing, you damn perverts.

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