Mr. Janus, Mr. T, and Mr. Kotter. Tonight’s TV preview is very polite when applying monikers.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

BIOGRAPHY: MR. T
Network: Biography
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Once upon a time I met Mr. T and asked, "Hey Mr. T., how are you?" His natural response was: "I’m like Tony the Tiger! I’m GREEEEAAAATTTTTT!!!! All you other TV shows, you’d better eat your grubs and you’d better eat your protein cuz T is back on TV where he belongs!!! AYE-YAYE-YAYE-YAYE-YAYE!!!!"

No lie. Find out what makes this guy tick tonight at 8pm.

HELL’S KITCHEN
Network: FOX
Time: 8- 9PM

Reasons to watch: The winners of tonight’s contest receive volleyball tips from 2000 Olympian Annett Davis. Volleyball tips. Really? Is that a thing of value outside of homo-erotic ’80′s movies? "Excuse me, Waiter. The meal was excellent. Do you accept ‘volleyball tips’ as payment? NO?! What planet are you from?"

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE SITCOM SCANDALS
Network: Biography
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Finally find out what really happened behind the scenes of Roseanne, Welcome Back Kotter, and The Facts Of Life. I bet that something went down with that Tootie. She always seemed like a shifty one.

SHAQ VS.
Network: ABC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: To prove that he is the most dominant force in athletics, Shaquille O’Neal challenges a variety of players across the wide world of sports. In the series opener, Shaq takes on Steeler’s QB Ben Roethlisberger in a test of football skills. Can Roethlisberger survive a motorcycle accident AND a Shaq Attack?! We shall see…

PRIMETIME: THE OUTSIDERS
Network: ABC
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Juju Chang interviews those who have had contact with extraterrestrials as well as skeptics. If I were to ever make first contact with an alien species I, like most Americans, would kick it between the legs. You know, just to say I did it.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN
Diane Kruger; Donald Trump; Billy Currington

CONAN (repeat)
Bruno; Stephen Moyer; Cirque de Soleil; Zumanity

KIMMEL (repeat)
Ashton Kutcher

FERGUSON
Kevin Bacon; Michael Irving

FALLON (repeat)
John Krasinski; Stephen Moyer