Oscar producer #2: Definitely Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox. I saw my son watching Las Vegas once. Who do old viewers like?

Oscar producers #3-#16 (in unison): BILLY CRYSTAL AND ROBIN WILLIAMS.

Oscar producer #1 (who also happens to be Vinnie Jones‘ agent): Ok. I heard “Billy Crystal,” “Robin Williams,” and I’m going to go ahead and toss Vinnie Jones in there too. I think a few people said “Vinnie Jones.”

And that’s presumably how we got this Oscar trailer, which features no fresh faces or ideas, but rather plays to the conception that Billy Crystal is some sort of long-retired Oscar guru, instead of some aged comedian that wasn’t funny enough to host anymore until Brett Ratner got all homophobic at a screening.

Well, (bland) mission (bland) accomplished!

In this 2012 Academy Awards trailer, we get a gag that seems to have come straight out of Bruce Vilanch’s ass (gross). The goal of this trailer is certainly to generate excitement for Billy Crystal’s hosting gig at the 2012. This proves to be a fool’s errand, as it’s simply impossible to get excited about anything Billy Crystal does these days. Clearly, his selection is a backlash against Franco and Hathaway’s poorly-received turn last year, but at least people talked about the Oscars the following days.

When people try to talk about the Oscars following the telecast on Sunday February 27th, plain oatmeal will ooze out their mouths and dribble down their chins.

Which, admittedly, will be the funniest thing about the Oscars this year.

Luckily there were cameras there so we can all enjoy the fisticuffs. Err, I mean, get well, Shia.

But he’s not the only star who has found it difficult to enjoy a night out without some random jerk taking a swing at them. In fact, I can think of eleven off the top of my head.

Channing Tatum

Some obsessive Fighting fans may have taken their love of the film too far when they tried to throw down with Channing Tatum at a club in Chicago. Reports vary on whether or not Tatum threw any punches in the huge fracas, but he did have to be ushered away by security. There was no word on what caused the altercation but speculation is that a mumbling Tatum grew frustrated when asked to repeat himself over and over again.

Sean Bean

Sean Bean not only proved his mettle, but he also proved that he is metal when he refused medical attention and returned inside for a drink after being stabbed in a fight this year outside a London pub. My theory is that he’s actually a Highlander.

Professional big British dude Vinnie Jones is interested in opening a chain of British pubs with fellow Redcoat Jason Statham. In fact, they’ve been talking about it for some time but their schedules have never let them a lot of time to dig in. Says Jones with rounded vowels:

Jay has been working so much and so have I. The pubs will happen. We had a great spot right opposite the pier in Santa Monica. They just wanted too much rent. Me and Jay went to look at it and we had three other investors, all Brits.

The mates discussed calling their chain "The Snatch Bar," which would be a decidedly disappointing place to hold a bachelor party. Rather than naked skanks and coeds, the place would be crawling with Australians. **slide whistle sound as erection deflates**

This news will undoubtedly be a let down for 50 Cent, who has approached Jones about opening their own chain of English pubs. Jones however, was not interested. Either he felt it would work better in British hands or he and Fitty couldn’t see eye-to-eye on the name "In Da Pub." (WENN)

Jean-Claude Van Damme and Vinnie Jones will team up in a film called Weapon, to be directed by Russell Mulcahy, the man responsible for Highlander and Resident Evil: Extinction.  Weapon is the story of rival assassins, sharpshooter Jack Conway (Jones) and knife-wielding Derek Chase (Van Damme), who must blend their skills to foil the head of a drug cartel. 

A knife man and a gun guy can’t get along?  Where’s the tension?  They serve two different purposes, really.  I would have much rather heard the following synopsis:

"Jack Conway (Vinnie Jones) and Derek Chase (Jean-Claude Van Damme) are two expert knife throwers working for rival circuses, but when the evil head of a drug cartel begins to distribute narcotics to unwitting circus patrons via cotton candy, Conway and Chase must triumph over their differences in order to overthrow the cartel, one knife at a time. 

"JCVD and Vinnie Jones are Big Top Blades

[via icon vs. icon]

Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Vinnie Jones

Synopsis: Jack Conway (Jones) and Derek Chase (Van Damme) are the two best assassins in the world — but unknown to each other. While Conway is a master sharpshooter, Chase is equally skilled with a knife. These two rival assassins form an uneasy alliance to take down the head of a drug cartel, which is backed by the DEA.