Dark Shadows, a gothy new Tim Burton / Johnny Depp love-fest, opens May 11, 2012. Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green and Helena Bonham Carter also star in this 60′s cult TV show turned feature film. Get ready to see vampires, ghosts and ghouls during the scariest time of the year: mid-May. oooOOOooo.

Rivals, starring Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis as two guys who I’m sure will not being competing against one another, opens Aug. 10, 2012. It’s the story of two rival political candidates, directed by Jay Roach. I would have hoped they’d be running together on the Frat Party ticket. Ah well.

However, before all that, you and Dwayne Johnson are going on a journey together. Specifically, a Journey 2: The Mysterious Island 3D journey. Michael Caine, Josh Hutcherson and Vanessa Hudgens will be along for your crazy ride come Jan. 27, 2012. It’s sure to be a journey… into pure cinematic genius. (Deadline)

Gimme Shelter is a film by writer/director Ron Krauss, which would star Hudgens as a homeless, pregnant teen fleeing her abusive mother. Seems like all teens are pregnant in movies, these days. I realize I read like an old man when I write that. Anyway, she goes to live with her biological dad (Fraser), who kicks her out of his house for not aborting the child. Hopefully, they have the money to license “Papa Don’t Preach.”

Jeff Rice, Dama Claire and Kraus are producing. They’re aiming to film end of May in Connecticut. (Hollywood Reporter)

Sucker Punch is a crazy movie, but it’s my kind of crazy. I think Zack Snyder just thought of the craziest things he wanted to see in a movie, so he did it. That’s what artists should do. Now it turns out to be some metaphorical fantasy and that’s cool too. It makes the film beautiful in addition to being awesome.

Baby Doll (Emily Browning) faces an evil stepfather in a haunting slo-mo, dialogue free opening. He commits her to the Lennox House institution after she fights him and accidentally kills her own sister. He’s also paid the Lennox House orderly off to have Baby lobotomized so she can’t tell her side of the story.

In the asylum’s “theater,” Dr. Gorsky (Carla Gugino) tries to socialize the girls. At one point, the theater becomes a dance studio, so is that the fantasy or is that Baby Doll waking up from the fantasy? In the dance class phase, Baby Doll meets other inmates Sweat Pea (Abbie Cornish), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens), Rocket (Jena Malone) and Amber (Jamie Chung).

When it’s Baby Doll’s turn to dance, the blink of her eye takes us into another world. How many layers is Snyder building here? It turns out every time Baby Doll dances, we see the wild action fantasy. There’s a Shaolin temple battle agains armored warrior giants, World War II trenches with zeppelins blowing up, a monster castle and a train filled with robots.

Why would you not want to see these scenes on their own? In Sucker Punch, we get those awesome scenes and they’re also symbolic and open to interpretation. The action is 300-y with impossible teamwork and comic book logic. Baby Doll can hurl a tube mile up in the air and then catch it later. The temple battle looks a little like a video game boss in CGI but the moves and camerawork are still beautiful. The other battles don’t even have the CGI problem.

I don’t think you’re supposed to take any level of this literally. The asylum puts on a nightclub where the inmates dance for customers. That’s crazy! The women wear super thick makeup, not for beauty but to completely exaggerate their faces.

This is the kind of movie I want to interpret. It’s not asking us to make sense of some random minimalist montage. It’s putting on a multi-million dollar show with no restrictions.

Director: Zack Snyder

Cast: Emily Browning, Vanessa Hudgens, Abbie Cornish, Jenna Malone, Carla Gugino, Jamie Chung, Jon Hamm, Scott Glenn

Synopsis: A young girl is institutionalized by her wicked stepfather. Retreating to an alternative reality as a coping strategy, she envisions a plan which will help her escape from the facility.

Release Date: March 25th, 2011

These preview snaps from Zack Snyder‘s Sucker Punch contain all the elements of a fanboy handjob, minus the inclusion of a recognizable superhero. You’ve got a lot of hot girls (Emily Browning, Jena Malone, Jamie Chung, Abbie Cornish and Vanessa Hudgens) in sexy outfits wielding weapons in fantasy locations, and Don Draper for all the girlfriends out there. That hits all the quadrants I can think of.

Warner Bros. just released a million stills from Sucker Punch for our ogling before the March 25th release date, and not to worry – I tossed out all the lame ones where it just looks like people are talking. Blab, blab, blab – more cleavage shaking due to holding a machine gun, please. (Cinema Blend)

Beastly actually has a good thing going for a while. It totally loses its steam but I was about halfway to recommending this one before it wussed out.

Kyle Kingson (Alex Pettyfer) is running for some green committee position in high school and he actually preaches the glory of being hot and rich. He is a blatantly shallow A-hole, all the way to flirting with a gay teacher for grade. He gets it from his dad Rob (Peter Krause), a newscaster who fires women for gaining 10 lbs. Kyle is racist to his maid Zola (Lisa Gay Hamilton) and we later see he had a “no fatties” profile online.

If you’re going to do Beauty and the Beast in high school, go all out. The school itself looks like a trendy nightclub. It seems like the movie is actually in the heads of the self-involved teens who need to learn this lesson, even though they won’t get it.

Kyle went too far making fun of the goth chick Kendra (Mary Kate Olsen), so she curses him. His face transforms with scars and tattoos run down his body. He’s still got the abs though. If she really wanted to curse him, she should’ve given him a gut that won’t go away no matter how many crunches he does. That nose bubble is really gross though.

Rob actually tries to get a medical answer so the film pays lip service to modern science. He ends up dumping Kyle in an apartment that’s slightly less decorated than his swank pad. He claims he’s gone to rehab and calls himself Hunter when he does go out into the world.

As Hunter, Kyle gets a peak at what people really thought of him. His girlfriend is actually relieved she doesn’t have to be mean anymore to keep up with him. Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens) actually appreciated his commitment to his ideals, even though he was totally off base.

You know how the B&B curse goes. If someone loves him for who he is inside, he gets to be hot again. Lindy is his best shot at that, so he romances her and that’s when the movie slows down to a bore.

First of all, the plot that gets Lindy into his “lair” is so stupid. Kyle foils a drug deal involving her father and kills a dealer. The dealer’s brother vows to kill Lindy for revenge, so Kyle convinces her dad to let him protect her. I know they’re trying to mimic the castle exile of the classic story (or the sewers of the TV series?) but come on!

It would have been much more interesting if Hunter pursued Lindy in the real world and got to experience more of society’s reaction to his new appearance. Going to the zoo after hours doesn’t count. The courtship is just boring and even Neil Patrick Harris as the funny tutor Simon can’t liven it up.

You weren’t going to see Beastly anyway so I’m only confirming that. I’m more disappointed it couldn’t keep up the momentum it had going. It would’ve been nice to give a shocking recommendation to it. Even at only 80 minutes without credits, they still let it drag.

A word from Vanessa: “My passion is doing movies, and as long as I keep doing that, I’ll be happy. I want to do movies, fun roles and dramatic ones. I love all of it.”

Sucker Punch still opens on March 25th, and as long as they keep rolling out these images, I’ll keep reminding you of that fact. (Cinema Blend)

Warner Bros. has unleashed the trailer for Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch. No matter what you’re fond of in life, it’s probably somewhere in this film. Hot girls, dragons, robots, robot samurai, zepplins, it’s all there. The film stars Abbie Cornish, Jamie Chung, Jena Malone, Emily Browning, Vanessa Hudgins, Jon Hamm, Scott Glenn, and Carla Gugino. They all play humans, as far as I can tell, but I’m sure one of them could change into a robot samurai at any moment. I don’t even want to attempt putting this movie’s plot into words so here’s the official synopsis:

Sucker Punch is an epic action fantasy that takes us into the vivid imagination of a young girl whose dream world provides the ultimate escape from her darker reality.  Unrestrained by the boundaries of time and place, she is free to go where her mind takes her, but her incredible adventures blur the lines between what’s real and what is imaginary…with potentially tragic consequences.

Give your eyes an orgasm with the trailer below.

Sucker Punch — Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

(Apple)

Last week we gave you a grainy look at the ass-kickers in Zack Snyder‘s Sucker Punch. At the time, we lamented that the picture didn’t capture their hotness befittingly. Thankfully, Warner Bros has stepped in to give us a proper look at Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung, Jena Malone, and Carla Gugino via character posters. These are much nicer than the corpse that Warners dragged through the townsquare yesterday.

This movie looks like a lot of fun. Not sure why Speilberg glossed over the fact that there were Nazi-zombies, mechanized armor, or dragons in World War II when he made Saving Private Ryan. Seems like exciting stuff to me. I guess he was just kind of asleep at the wheel.

MORE GIRLS, GUNS, AND GUGINO AFTER THE JUMP…

More news ripped from the pages of this week’s Entertainment Weekly. Here’s a first look at the girls of Zack Snyder‘s Sucker Punch. I’ll be frank for a minute and you be Shirley — I was expecting a sexier crew of ass-kicking females. The group consists of Abbie Cornish, Vanessa Hudgens, Emily Browning, Jena Malone, and Jamie Chung, all individually super hot actresses, yet when put together they look like they’re shuffling to a nearby cot for a nap. Scott Glenn even fits right in, which should never be the case.

Maybe it’s the grim landscape that’s bringing everyone down. I vote that the next batch of stills be set at the beach or a car wash. I realize that the movie takes place in a mental institution, but there’s gotta be a way to work a car wash in. Take a left past the schizo wing and tell the man at the desk what air freshener you’d like. (ComingSoon)

Beastly is a retelling of Beauty and the Beast by way of Gossip Girl. Mary-Kate Olsen plays a witch who curses a rich, popular, good-looking classmate to look all gross and veiny — a reflection of the dick he is on the inside. He’s then banished to Brooklyn where the rest of the minorities uglies live. In order to break the curse, he has to find someone, who despite his penile appearance, will sext him with naked pictures of herself. Enter Vanessa Hudgens.

Find out what really matters underneath after the jump.

Director: Todd Graff

Cast: Vanessa Hudgens, Alyson Michalka, Gaelan Connell, Lisa Kudrow

Synopsis: A new kid in town assembles a fledgling rock band — together, they achieve their dreams and compete against the best in the biggest event of the year, a battle of the bands.

Genre: Alyson Michalka

Release Date: August 14, 2009