Things don’t go well.

Jason Goes To Hell

When the United States government finally steps in to do something about the Jason Vorhees problem at Camp Crystal Lake, they foolishly believe they can kill him off by shooting him into pieces and exploding the remains. Nice try, guys. Obviously a handicapped kid who doesn’t know how to swim is more resilient than that. As you see in the above clip, the coroner who performs his autopsy can’t help but take a deep bite of the moldy corpse’s still beating, hypnotic heart. Resulting in Jason taking possession of his body and starting his killing spree a new as an older black gentleman.

True Blood

After having his memory wiped and just being dicked around by witches for an entire season, Eric Northman had had enough of their black magic shenanigans. He swooped in and made an example of the coven’s most annoying witch by yanking her heart from her chest and drinking the ventricle as if it were a Juicy Juice. So, yeah, point taken. Eric Northman no longer f***ing around.

Bordello of Blood

It’s the perfect set up. A beautiful vampire queen sets up a secret bordello beneath a funeral home (kinky) and lures all the douchey hornballs in town. After showing them sweet knockers, the douchebags then have their hearts ripped out and consumed. In fact, it’s the disappearance of Corey Feldman that sets the film’s plot into action. Not sure why anyone wanted to go looking for him. That’s the only part of the premise that I can’t wrap my head around.

Note, not all of these pairings have the happiest outcomes, so we recommend that you consume this list with a lot of alcohol to dull the crushing pain of love down to a mere pinch.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Luke and Leia – Star Wars

She ended up with Han Solo, but this brother and sister did have their moment. Granted, they weren’t aware of the fact that they were related, but that’s why you always do your due diligence. It’s not out of line to ask for a family tree or a potential suitor’s login ID and password to Ancestry.com.

So, no matter how poorly your Valentines Day is going, you can always say to yourself, “At least I’m not carrying on a romantic relationship with my sibling.”

Actually, I misspoke. You can’t always say that if you’re actually having a relationship with your sibling.

Harold and Maude – Harold and Maude

May-November romances are one thing, but Harold and Maude were carrying on an early-January-late December romances in this 1971 dark, dark comedy. While the age gap is the most notable oddity in their relationship, upon becoming familiar with the characters, the strangest aspect is actually that these two people are complete weirdos and probably deserve each other.

Harold is obsessed with death, making him a natural fit for Maude, who resides at death’s door at the age of 79. For those thinking that this might be a quirky film to enjoy tonight, let me divulge that (spoiler alert) Maude kills herself at the end of the film.

So maybe you should go see The Vow instead.

Which is why romantic comedies almost always feature impossibly cool jobs that pay well and take place in smartly-designed offices. They never feature a dude sitting around on his couch, unemployed and browsing Reddit.

I’m not saying that it has to come to that, but, at the very least, we should put a moratorium on all the hackneyed jobs that characters in romantic comedies have. I think I’m meeting Hollywood more than halfway here. I mean, they even get to keep the sappy speeches at the end.

Event Planner

Offenders: The Wedding Planner, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Nothing is more indicative of the type-A control freak that needs to loosen up than a career as an event planner. It shows that the character thrives on stress and can juggle a million different tasks at once. You know what else can show those traits? That’s right. Thoughtful writing.

This also works well, because the same type of women (and men) that are into romantic comedies are probably also into huge events like weddings and fundraisers and the Catalina Wine Mixer. So, you know, two birds and whatnot.

This job makes sense though, as many women (forgive the generalization) seem to have an unhealthy fascination with event planning and all that it entails. I could not think of a career I would hate more than planning weddings professionally. I understand the allure, but at some point, don’t people who aspire to this realize that the novelty would probably wear off? It’s tantamount to working at Ft. Knox because you just love gold so much.

Magazine Editor/Employee

Offenders: Devil Wears Prada, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, The Proposal, 13 Going On 30, Confessions of a Shopaholic

Who wouldn’t want to work at a high-profile fashion or lifestyle magazine? Well, unless you’re Anna Wintour, pretty much everyone. Not only do romantic comedies only examine the most interesting jobs in the world, but they fall all over themselves to make those jobs seem like the most interesting things in the world. Sure, being a tastemaker in the media sounds great, but proofing copy until your eyes bleed is a more honest portrayal of the lifestyle.

Working as a magazine writer or editor or whatever also affords chracters the luxury of “investigating” some phenomenon for the sake of an article. Because in real life, Cosmo has a LOT of investigative journalism behind it. Tons.