Anyhoo, if you find yourself single, fear not. While being alone on Valentine’s Day might seem like a fate worse than death, the fact of the matter is that being in a relationship can be just as bad. As they say, the grass is always greener. Don’t believe me? Well, here are 9 films that prove you’re probably better off alone.

The Social Network

The Social Network begins with Mark Zuckerberg being dumped by his girlfriend. As a result of being spurned, he goes on the create Facebook, and becomes the youngest billionaire in the world. If that’s not an endorsement of being single, I don’t know what is. Sure, then the film ends with Zuckerberg pining for the same girl that dumped him, but that’s just screenwriter Aaron Sorkin being an asshole.

Basic Instinct

Yeah, having sex with a hot blonde girl sounds like a lot of fun, but what if she turns out to be some crazy bi-sexual? I don’t mean “crazy” in the good, three-way related way. I mean “crazy” in the “I’m going to stab you to death with an icepick” kind of way. Basic Instinct alerted the world to this ever present danger, and after watching the film, I chose to abstain from sex with hot women. Why risk it? It’s much safer to stay in and watch reruns of “Home Improvement.”

About Schmidt

You think being single is bad? Try being a widower. It’s basically like being single again, except you’re totally unprepared to function on your own because you’ve become dependent on your partner. Plus, you have to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with the loss of a spouse. As About Schmidt shows us, we’re all going to die alone, anyway. Why not cut out the middle man and just stay single?

Kramer vs. Kramer

When you’re resigned to the fact that you’re going to die alone, watching your friends get married can be difficult. But the next time you feel jealous of a married couples’ happiness, check out Kramer vs. Kramer, and remember that half of all marriages end in divorce.

War of the Roses

If divorce isn’t bad enough, how about death? War of the Roses tells the story of a married couple who grow so tired of their marriage that they end up killing each other. And that’s not the worst of it. In the film, the vengeful wife ends up biting her husbands penis. The odds of such a thing happening to a single person are dramatically lower, especially for those without house pets.

MacBeth

Having a loveless marriage is one thing, but it’s better than having an evil, manipulative spouse. Just ask MacBeth. His wife convinced him that killing the king would be a good idea. It turns out it wasn’t. As a bonus, this film was directed by Roman Polanski. He tried his hand at marriage, and his pregnant wife ended up getting murdered by the Manson Family. This tragic event caused him to wise up and enjoy the single life. Of course, his idea of “the single life” was drugging and sexually assaulting 13-year-old girl, but you don’t have to be that drastic.

American Beauty

Everyone knows that married life in the suburbs is boring. But what you might not have known before American Beauty is that ending up in a loveless marriage can result in you getting your head blown off by your closeted gay neighbor. Who knew? I’ll stay single, thank you very much.

Shawshank Redemption

Getting married is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Not only are you committing to monogamy, which is stupid, but you’re also running the risk of getting cheated on. Just ask Andy Dufresne. His wife ended up fooling around with a golf pro, and Andy ended up going to jail for a crime he didn’t commit. The moral of the story: don’t get married.

Confessions of a Cheating Housewife

Relationships are all about trust. And after seeing Confessions of a Cheating Housewife, I could never trust another woman again. They’re all just waiting for the chance to have sex with the delivery guy. You’re much better off getting a job with UPS than getting involved in a relationship.

Gary Marshall is throwing a bone to the beleaguered boyfriends who will be dragged to see New Year’s Eve. Jessica Biel will be returning for the follow-up non-sequel but won’t be reprising her Valentine’s Day role. That means the movies take place in a magical world where Jessica Biel has a twin, and good things happen to gorgeous people but only around major holidays.

Speaking of twins, Sofia Vergara has also joined the cast. There aren’t any specifics on which role she will play but let’s hope it involves a trampoline. If so, is it wrong if I go see it without my girlfriend? (THR)

Gary Marshall’s Valentine’s Day featured some bizarre on-screen unions, and now is causing one off-screen as well. I don’t know how to better describe this news item than with a shrill "Say WHAAAAAAATTTTTTT???!!!!!" Jamie Foxx is scripting a modernized adaptation of "Laverne & Shirley" as a vehicle for sisters-from-another-mister Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel. I wouldn’t mind seeing that sexy pair schlemiel one another’s schlimazels if you know what I’m sayin’ (note: I don’t know what I’m sayin’).

Marshall tells TV Guide:

“Jamie and I are trying to do it. He’s writing it. It’s a whole different modern day take on how they came up on the streets during difficult times. Laverne would be this very tough girl with a big ‘L’ tattooed on her arm. Jennifer Garner would play Laverne and Jessica Biel would play Shirley.”

This is just great. I’ve been working on the gangsta version of "227" for quite some time and now everyone will think I’m ripping off Jamie Foxx‘s stupid urban "Laverne & Shirley." Now the world will never see Macy Gray cut a bitch while dressed as Jackée.

It’s going to be really awkward when Robocop and his date transition to the intimate part of the evening. (i09)

Dead or alive, you’re getting these links.

_{Sean Penn and Penelope Cruz to Hand Out Oscars (Moviefone)}

_{Gallery: What Your Toys Are Doing Now (HolyTaco)}

_{Hot Chick Bounces Around in Celebration of Whatever (TotalProSports)}

_{Christian Bale Killed a Guy or Something (FilmDrunk)}

_{This Day in Fighting History: Tyson vs. Douglas (CagePotato)}

_{5 Examples of When Celebs Age (Unreality)}

_{A Lamp for Jason Voorhees (Asylum)}

_{Spicy Pics of Big Bang Theory‘s Kelly Cuoco (Maxim)}

_{Alec Baldwin Rushed to Hospital (CelebJihad)}

_{Passive-Aggressive Break-Ups (Pajiba)}

_{A Video Jam Packed Full of Skits (Atom)}

_{How You Can Tell If She’s Good in Bed (MadeMan)}

_{Daytona 500 Early Odds (AllLeftTurns)}

_{8 Hilariously Awful PSAs (RegretfulMorning)}

Here’s an obligatory Jessica Biel post. I haven’t done her yet as the girl of the day, and no I didn’t mean it THAT way. If you don’t know who Jessica is by now you must be living under a rock that doesn’t get internet access because even being barricaded in your parent’s basement wouldn’t be an excuse.

A word from Jessica: “It’s nice to have a little meat on you, and I hope I inspire women to appreciate their muscular calves.”

I don’t know if women appreciate them, but men certainly do. Namely YOUR muscular calves, which can look gross on many less attractive, fatter females. Oh no, did I just ruin your inspirational message?

The pics after the jump will heal all wounds.

Christine Lakin was the tomboyish daughter on the ol’ T.G.I.F. show Step by Step. The one with Patrick Duffy and the wife beater. Luckily, Christine is in to sporting more revealing articles of clothing these days. Hey, at least she’s not doing meth like Stephanie Tanner.

A word from Christine: “It was even hard for me as a kid to spend the night at someone else’s house.”

That’s why you have instincts. You NEVER spend the night at Patrick Duffy’s house, Christine. Didn’t you have parents growing up who taught you anything?

No tomboyishness left in the pics after the jump.