In a stunning display of power and integrity, the United States has nabbed an estimated 97 million music files, and I’m guessing that we’re also kicking ass in taking films and TV shows, because we have the whole package, and no group of terrorists will ever take that away.

The next closest country was a US ally, thankfully, with the United Kingdom taking down 43 million, which is pretty impressive given their proportionately smaller population.

If you want the full story, you don’t even have to steal it. It’s available for free right here.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

The following are a few films you might want to consider watching to learn more about dating a Marine.

Heaven Knows Mr. Allison

Mr. Allison shipwrecked with a nun

Mr. Big Skies (AKA John Huston) himself directs Deborah Kerr and Robert Mitchum in this 1957 classic. Mitchum finds himself shipwrecked on an island in the South Pacific after his marine recon team gets ditched by a nava submarine during an enemy attack. Lucky for him he’s not marooned alone, finding a beautiful nun who was also abandoned during an evacuation to share the island with. Do we see love on the horizon along with an approaching Japanese ship? Take a guess what happens next. Dating tip to take away from this oldie but goodie—don’t except a marine to make the first move, unless they’re drunk on sake.

Born of the Fourth of July

Tom Cruise dancing in Born On The Fourth Of July

Tom Cruise definitely has some 0n-screen experience when it comes to the marines. Defending them as a Naval lawyer in A Few Good Men, but not before playing one in Oliver Stone‘s second film about the Vietnam War. In Born On The Fourth Of July, Cruise plays real-life marine Ron Kovic, who enlists in the service as soon as he’s eighteen and gets shipped out the day after his senior prom. Kovic’s horrific experience in Vietnam leaves him wheelchair-bound and disillusioned with America and its war machine; he then devotes his life to anti-war activism. A few things to note: marines often declare their feelings less that 24 hours before deploying to a dangerous, war-ridden foreign country (but not before getting in a last dance), and, big surprise, they might have some issues after coming back.

Full Metal Jacket

Full Metal Jacket "Me Love You Long Time"

Stanley Kubrick‘s take on Nam, Full Metal Jacket is full of useful info about the life of a marine—from the degradation of basic training, platoon hazings involving bars of soap and what type of sexual propositions a marine is used to. Just to recap, Full Metal Jacket follows a platoon from basic through their stationing in Vietnam, and like just about all movies about Vietnam, is highly anti-war at its core. However, this is beside the point for our purposes. What you need to take away is this: you better be prepared to love them long time.

Jarhead

Jake Gyllenhaal reading in Jarhead

Another true story, Jarhead focuses on Operation Desert Storm, following Anthony Swofford as a marine in the Persian Gulf. Among the many things to worry about during war, most of the platoon is worried about their ladies back home being unfaithful to them while they are so far away for so long. Unfortunately, this proves to be true in many instances, even for our leading man. Upon returning home, he finds his long time girlfriend with a new boyfriend. The moral is: marines can be paranoid, but sometimes it’ justified. If you’re going to date one, you better be faithful. And if you can’t be, take a cue from Brian Dettman’s ex by rallying a neighbor to make a homemade porno with you and sending it on an unassuming VHS copy of The Deer Hunter. It’s a classy move.

Flags of our Fathers

Holding up the flag in Flags Of Our Fathers

We’ve all seen the iconic photograph of the marines holding up Old Glory during the fiercest battle in Iwo Jima in  WWII. Flags Of Our Fathers tells the story of the story of the three men who held the flag and survived, the heroism the country bestowed on them and how undeserving they felt of all the attention in the end. Word to the wise, when it comes to dating a hero, remember that survivors guilt can be a bitch.

The Great Santini

Blythe Danner shows Mila how to date a Marine

The Great Santini reminds us that despite our attempt to write this as a humorous article, the sacrifices that both Marines in Uniform, and their families make are no joke.  This film depicts the disconnect between a Marine Aviator (pilot for you landlubbers) who runs his family like a military unit, and his family who just want to be loved unconditionally.  It is not just returning combat veterans that deal with PTSD, but unfortunately their entire family must deal with this as well.

We are incredibly proud of the men and women who serve in our armed forces, and would like to suggest to our readers that if they liked this article then they should visit the Wounded Warrior Project, because the worst thing we can do is to forget about the sacrifices that have been made for freedom.

Bend It Like Beckham

But that’s a baseball movie, you idiots…right?! Nope. It’s a  soccerphilia fest from the mind of Nick Hornby that came out way before Drew Barrymore lisped her way through—we’ll just come out and say it—a pretty sucky film of the same name. In this Fever Pitch, Colin Firth stars as a one of Hornby’s typical self-absorbed, specifically-obsessed-but-ultimately-changed-by-love male protagonists. His favorite soccer team is the driving force in his life…until he meets the love of his life, who happens to hate the game. Life lesson in this soccer flick? That if you love a team of men obsessively, you can love one woman just as much. And it’s a lot more fulfilling. How sweet.

She’s The Man

Eric Cantona philosophizing in Looking For Eric

Eric Bishop worships two things: Manchester United and soccer legend Eric Cantona. But his life and relationships are in shambles, until one evening he smokes some weed and hallucinates a conversation with Cantona his hero. Suddenly, Canton starts appearing to him in other situations and becomes a sort of invisible life coach for Bishop. He turns his life around, yada yada yada. And the moral is…marijuana actually fixes lives not ruins them? No, no. Looking For Eric clearly isn’t endorsing that, but rather speaks to soccer fans by demonstrating how athletes can be really important and inspirin role models, even for adults. That is, when they’re not inspiring hooligan riots.

The Cup