Nonetheless, it’s happening, so I must just make my peace with it. And it’s a Madea movie. A Christmas Madea movie.

The film will be released like a plague of locusts on December 13th, which should give audiences ample time for a vigorous bleach scrub before regrouping and celebrating the actual, non-Larry the Cable Guy Christmas.

Ugh. This is how we greet a new day.

Nope. Instead, let’s look at the synopsis for Double Cross and make fun of it:

Just when Alex thought his life was calming down into a routine of patients and therapy sessions, he finds himself back in the game–this time to catch a criminal mastermind like no other.

A spate of elaborate murders in Washington D.C. have the whole East Coast on edge. They are like nothing Alex Cross and his new girlfriend, Detective Brianna Stone, have ever seen. With each murder, the case becomes increasingly complex. There’s only one thing Alex knows: the killer adores an audience.

As victims are made into gruesome spectacles citywide, inducing a media hysteria, it becomes clear to Alex that the man he’s after is a genius of terror–and he’s after fame. The killer has the whole city by its strings–and he’ll stop at nothing to become the most terrifying star that Washington D.C. has ever seen.

Brianna Stone? Really? REALLY? That’s the name of your sexy female detective? I guess there’s no room for subtlety in Tyler Perry films, but whatevskis. Fine.

Oh. There’s going to be media circus. So I guess these are high-profile crimes. Interesting. That really could have gone either way.

The murders are elaborate. That’s good. It would be funnier though if Cross had to track down some fat guy who was just clubbing pedestrians in the head with a softball bat.

“The killer has the whole city by its strings…” What strings? That’s not a common idiom at all! And this is for a book! “Money, fame, looks…I’ve really got this city by the strings. ALL the strings, gorgeous.”

They probably announced their intentions for a sequel so early because they need to get a lead time on Tyler Perry’s giant sweaters for the role. They have to ramp up the breeding of sheep to produce the 47,000 acres of wool needed to cover TP’s enormous torso.

Details are sketchy at best, but then again, details about Tyler Perry films often remain sketchy even after viewing the films themselves. But as Tyler Perry told urbancinema.com blackfilm.com, the Aliens franchise is among his favorite, but he just didn’t like Prometheus, so he’s ostensibly going to make a sci-fi movie that’s better than Prometheus.

What? Why are you laughing? Stop laughing. I’m not done yet.

No. I’m pretty much done. There’s nothing to say about Tyler Perry that I haven’t said before. Seriously, I’m out of Tyler Perry jokes. I guess I’ll just have to wait for him to do something again.

And every time I realize that I am not watching a soup commercial, a part of me dies.

In case Tyler Perry as a giant detective isn’t enough for you (YOU SICK BASTARD!), this clip also features Matthew Fox as a serial killer who also enjoys mixed martial arts.

I’m writing this piece as I watch the video piecemeal, because I can’t seem to handle the thing in one big chunk, and I’ve got a new favorite line. Disregard “He’s ex-military, judging by his tactics,” and introduce yourself to my new favorite, “I will meet his soul at the gates of hell before I let him take another person that I love from me,” immediately followed by the graphic “From Rob Cohen, Director of The Fast and the Furious.”

According to Lionsgate‘s press release, Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Something Something will have Madea confronting a shamed Ponzi schemer played by Eugene Levy, his wife, played by Denise Richards, and his business associate, Tom Arnold.

Before I write any more, please put on some sunglasses so as not to be blinded this film’s starpower.

The press release offers up this promising nugget from Lionsgate’s President of Development, whose name is unimportant:

This is the ultimate fish out of water story, and I believe the funniest Madea story yet. We loved the witness protection concept from the second we heard it, but when Tyler cast comedy icon Eugene Levy and put him under the same roof with Madea and Uncle Joe, he took this movie to a whole new level.

I’ve never known anyone to refer to Eugene Levy as such a gamechanger before.

“I don’t know if this has legs. I mean, office romance comedies are a dime a dozen these days. What’s that? YOU GOT LEVY? HERE’S YOUR FINANCING!”

*empties bag of blood diamonds all over the Lionsgate conference table*

Here is a list of his projects in the upcoming year and the reasons that we won’t be watching them.

Good Deeds

If you think that the title Good Deeds isn’t a delicious pun on the lead character’s name, Wesley Deeds, then you just don’t know how TP works. The film follows a successful businessman (Deeds, played by Tyler Perry) as he helps a down on her luck woman, hoping that good deed will spark a change in his life that will allow him become the man he’s always wanted to be.

It also stars, in decreasing order of talent: Thandie Newton, Gabrielle Union, Phylicia Rashad, Rebecca Romijn, and Jamie Kennedy. The film comes out on February 24th, which gives you just enough time to shop for and install a survival shelter.

House of Payne

Make way! Curtis Payne and company are coming back to make us laugh. And if we’re not careful, we just might learn something. The TBS sitcom has actually tackled a number of heavy issues such as religion and drug abuse. Granted it tackles those issues with a heavy hand in a fashion similar to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but it still tackles them.

The most recent season, season 7, contained a whopping 50 episodes. You might be asking yourself, “How does Tyler Perry produce one season of television packed with 50 high-quality episodes?”

The answer is, “He doesn’t.”

Well, if that’s true, then the following nine directors would just be awful, awful choices to helm the production.

Let me clarify: They would be awful for the tightasses at the academy. I would love it.

David Cronenberg

While Cronenberg doesn’t have any out-and-out hallmarks (just a general darkness and violence in his films), it would still be a blast to see what he would do with the Academy Awards ceremony. Perhaps he’d have one of the presenters betray another, causing a fistfight to break out, and forcing Hugh Jackman to repeatedly smash Halle Berry’s head on the steps until her body stops twitching. Perhaps during dance numbers, a shirtless Viggo Mortensen could idly walk through the production, staring daggers at Adrian Brody.

Tim Burton

Everyone would get super-excited about this year’s telecast being really dark and edgy, but would soon be disappointed to find that Johnny Depp and HBC are phoning it in, all the while realizing that Tim Burton’s not edgy anymore, he’s just kind of bad.

Perhaps the introduction could feature Christopher Walken stepping out in a top hat and spats, welcoming the audience to a “truly macabre finale to awards season.”

Also, everyone that was not a nominee would be dressed like a scarecrow.

David Fincher

Fincher could certainly bring a gritty sensibility to the polished-to-a-fault ceremony. He would find a way to make it rain during the entire telecast onstage, soundtracking even the most jovial moments with a low-fi Dus Brothers score.

Perhaps the telecast would end by focusing on the losers of the Best Picture Oscar, rather than the traditional approach of dwelling on the winner. All lights would be green and blue, and no one would ever laugh, ever.

Point being, you can’t be upset with Adam Sandler over this. He’s only going with the flow. However, he should have looked at all those who failed before him before taking on such an aggressively sh*tty project. If only this list existed last year. I feel somewhat to blame.

At any rate, here are seven cross-dressing comedies that might be worse than Jack and Jill.

Sorority Boys

In an attempt to clear themselves of a crime they didn’t commit, college guys Dave, Adam, and Doofer disguise themselves as women. The plan is to infiltrate their former frat-house and recover a tape that proves their innocence. Then they will be allowed to throw a big party that will get them high paying jobs regardless of their intelligence.

Makes sense to me.

Sidenote: Hey, Barry Watson. Sup?

Juwanna Mann

Probably the most important cross-dressing basketball comedy from the year 2002, Juwanna Mann tells the tale of a disgraced professional basketball renegade who, when banned from the league, reinvents himself as a female basketball star. It would have been a million times better if it included a scene where Juwanna lumps up Don Imus.

Kim K will play a co-worker of the marriage counselor, which seems a little strange. Wouldn’t a marriage counselor’s co-worker just be another marriage counselor? Is a marriage counseling practice a big operation that requires a complicated staffing plan? I’m not going to worry about the details, because I know that Tyler Perry will take care of this and many other details in order to give to us the best film possible that stars a giant black guy as a grandma…or something.

The entrants on the top 10 this year are a sex-crazed golfer, a shock jock, a television therapist, Simon F*cking Cowell, a flamboyant singer that has never written a song, and Tyler Perry, a man who built his fortune pretending to be a fat black lady.

I can’t offer any more insight into the state of the entertainment industry and the country at large than this list does without commentary, so let’s just get through this thing and pretend it’s populated with a bunch of NPR personalities and theater actors to assuage our guilt.

10. Tiger Woods – $75 million

It must be nice to be so blessed with endorsements that you can spend the past two years not winning any golf tournaments, banging every hostess that Orland-area Outback Steakhouses can throw at you, and still find yourself with enough money that you’re one of the 10 highest-paid entertainers in the country. To be fair, Tiger Woods is far and away the most entertaining person on this list. He’s like 46,000 James Pattersons.

Also, he has Ambien sex, which I think is pretty neat.

9. Howard Stern – $76 million

The nice thing about being Howard Stern is that his standards of professionalism operate inversely to everyone else’s. If he wants to stick twin Asian midgets on a sybian for the world to see, he’ll enjoy a small ratings bump. If Dr. Phil does it life as we know it would cease to exist. Stern is tied up with Sirius/XM for a long time, so unless Son of the Beach becomes really, really popular in syndication soon, he’s going to be holding steady at $70 million bucks or so. Nothing to sneeze at.

8. Leonardo DiCaprio – $77 million

DiCaprio had a banner year last year thanks to his biggest non-Titanic films ever, Shutter Island and Inception. I had no idea that many people saw Shutter Island. Remarkably, he didn’t score a single producing credit in 2010, so all that money appears to have come from salary and endorsements, though it’s hard to imagine he didn’t get some participation in Inception.

He also is probably scoring some pretty sweet Growing Pains royalties from his role as Luke, the scrappy orphan. That’s probably the bulk of this sum.

Tyler Perry (shudder) will be answering to John C. McGinley in the latest adaptation of James Patterson’s Alex Cross in I, Alex Cross. McGinley’s character is described as “ambitious” and “vigorous.” “Vigorous,” eh? It’s not stipulated in the article, but one can safely assume that this character hates Zach Braff as well. (Variety)

And Gangster Squad’s Josh Brolin will be married to a hot redhead in Mireille Enos (The Killing). Mireille has garnered a bit of heat, having also signed on for World War Z recently. More than a wife in Gangster Squad, she will also work with Brolin in assembling his police squad as she fears for his life. Yay, terrified wife!

“Tyler Perry’s series have been tremendously successful for TBS, helping establish the network as a prime destination for African-American viewers,” said Michael Wright, executive vice president, head of programming, for TBS, TNT and Turner Classic Movies. “Given such a remarkable track record, we’re excited for the opportunity to expand our relationship with Tyler Perry and Debmar-Mercury with the new series For Better or Worse.”

Somewhere in Hollywood, a former cast member of “10 Items Or Less” weeps into the macchiato I ordered four goddamn minutes ago. (THR)

Earlier today, Tyler Perry told director Spike Lee that he could “go straight to hell.” He was right to do it.

Don’t get me wrong. I hate Tyler Perry’s work. Diary of a Mad Black Woman might be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I feel the same way about his television shows, “Meet the Browns” and “House of Payne.” Sitting through an episode of either is painful. The characters are one-dimensional, the “jokes” are flat, and the Christian overtones are offensive. No, not because they are Christian, but because of the way the “lessons” are shoehorned into every episode, like I’m watching a religious version of “Captain Planet.” There was more subtly on the 80’s sitcom “Amen,” and that took place in a god damn church! Yes, I think Tyler Perry’s work is overrated garbage, and I don’t understand why it appeals to anyone over the age of five. And I’m certainly not alone in my view.

But so what? It’s not a crime to write crappy comedy. If it were, 95% of Hollywood (and 100% of Screen Junkies) would be in the slammer. People are entitled to their opinions, and if someone actually wants to sit through a Madea movie, that’s their problem. After all, it’s just entertainment, right? Well, not according to Spike Lee

For the past few years, the director has been taking digs at Perry’s work. But his complaints have not been about the poor writing, the lack of humor, or the overall shittyness of the shows. No, his complaints have been racial in nature, as they always are.

“Each artist should be allowed to pursue their artistic endeavors, but I still think there is a lot of stuff out today that is coonery and buffoonery,” Lee said in 2009. “I know it’s making a lot of money and breaking records, but we can do better. … I see these two ads for these two shows (Tyler Perry‘s ‘Meet the Browns’ and ‘House of Payne’), and I am scratching my head. We got a black president, and we going back to Mantan Moreland and Sleep ‘n’ Eat?”

So, Spike Lee thinks that when it comes to black sitcoms, “we can do better.” This raises an interesting question: Has Spike Lee ever watched a sitcom? With a few rare exceptions, they are all horrible, regardless of whether the characters are black, white, Asian or even god damn cavemen. They all traffic in stereotypes, and they are all filled with “buffoonery.” It goes with the territory. That’s what a sitcom is: familiar, often ridiculous characters in everyday situations that everyone can relate to. And by everyone, we’re talking the lowest common denominator.

Up until recently, “Two and a Half Men” was the most popular sitcom on television. The entire production, from top to bottom, was horse shit. The characters were predictable and boring, the writing was crap, and even so, it was the most watched comedy in the country. Everyone watches this shit, so, why does Spike Lee feel that African-American viewers are different? What makes black audiences so special?

And where does he get off telling Tyler Perry to “do better?” Who made Spike Lee the arbiter of African-American film and television? Can’t a black man make a shitty television show in peace without having some pompous asshole accuse him of dumbing down the black community? I suppose the people who enjoy “House of Payne” would instantly switch over to PBS if only Tyler Perry wasn’t around. And am I to believe that there are non-blacks out there who have turned into racists after watching Madea Goes to Jail? Actually, that doesn’t sound too far fetched now that I type it out, but you see my point.

And say what you want about Perry, but he has an inspirational story. Despite only having a G.E.D. (and, some would argue, a total lack of talent), he’s made hundreds of millions of dollars by creating shows that people can relate to. Why not be happy for him? And at least his message is positive. Why not attack “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” or any of the dozens of reality shows that perpetuate negative black stereotypes? You want to talk about “Coonery?” Turn on MTV for five minutes.

At the end of the day, there’s nothing wrong with hating Tyler Perry’s work. But acting like “Madea” is detrimental to blacks is ridiculous. It’s detrimental to everyone.

The former Mystique (Romijn) has decided to just fold her hand, give up on the game of life and star in the new Tyler Perry movie Good Deeds (the protagonist’s name is Glen Deeds, you see). It will also star Thandie Newton and Jamie Kennedy.  Synthesize that information however the hell you please. (Deadline)

Enough sad news about falling stars. Let’s talk about the new Mystique, Ms. Jennifer Lawrence (of Winter’s Bone and the upcoming Hunger Games). She looks…kinda silly. Like an especially awkward mutant. I half-expect to see braces when she smiles.

But, then again, Mystique always did. Let’s hope that Lawrence gets to flex her Oscar-nominated acting chops outside of the latex, otherwise it seems like a bit of a wasted opportunity for everyone involved in X-Men: First Class. (The Wrap)

Young and Old. Birth and death. X-Men and Tyler Perry movies.

As you probably know, MNightSchool.org is trying to raise enough money to send director M. Night Shyamalan back to film school. While the goal is $150,000, less than $400 has been raised thus far, meaning it doesn’t look like M. Night will get the education he so desperately needs. Then again, who am I to talk? I can’t even spell “desperately” without the help of my old friend “Spell Check,” so obviously, I’m not much of a righter.

At any rate, it’s a shame that the plan isn’t coming together. Perhaps sending M. Night back to school would have started a trend among sub-par directors. And like crappy Internet writers (i.e. me), there’s certainly no shortage of those. Here are five directors besides M. Night Shyamalan in desperate need of a re-education.

Kevin Smith

I like Kevin Smith, and I want to like his movies. But all things considered, James Marsh is right, and “most of them are sh*t, quite honestly.” OK, that’s too harsh. Even his worst movies have at least a few laughs. But I can’t help but wonder if Smith might be better off finishing up his film degree before starting his next project. The fact that he dropped out of film school to finance Clerks makes for a great story, but it also makes for several sub-par movies.

Brian Robbins

Robbins built up a lot of good will with his role on “Head of the Class.” Well, that’s my opinion, anyway. I’ve always been a bit of a “Head of the Class”-Head, as we hardcore fans like to be called. But he’s flushed that good will straight down the toilet with Norbit, Good Burger, and Meet Dave. But unlike the next few entries, at least no one pretends that Robbins’ movies are good.

McG

McG has made four movies. Two of them have the words “Charlie’s Angels” in the title. Of the remaining two, one drove the Terminator franchise into the ground, and the other stars Matthew McConaughey. An impressive filmography this is not. Film school would do McG good. Unfortunately, you need a first and last name to fill out the application.

Brett Rattner

Brett Rattner is the genius behind Rush Hour, a film that revolutionized the way we look at loud black men and funny talk’n foreigners. He was also behind the crap-tacular last installment of the X-Men trilogy. Granted, Red Dragon wasn’t a bad film, but given the cast and the source material, Orson Wells could have done just as well. I know he was a great director. I was being literal. Orson Wells’ corpse could have made Red Dragon.

Tyler Perry

Holy shit, where do I begin?

Film school would be a great move for Perry. In fact, any schooling would be a great move, since his GED clearly isn’t cutting it. Actually, that’s not fair. His GED is doing just fine, considering that by the time I finish typing this sentence, he’ll have made more money than I will make all year. But making profitable films and making quality films are two very different things. Diary of a Mad Black Woman might be the worst film I have ever seen. However, I will say that the ham-fisted Christian overtones did succeed in restoring my faith in a higher power. Only divin intervention can account for Perry’s success.

PENELOPE CRUZ will team up with director Woody Allen once again, this time on a film set in Rome. There are no plot details yet, but the computer program I wrote says the odds are very high that it won’t be as good as earlier Woody Allen movies. (EW)

THANDIE NEWTON will play opposite Tyler Perry in his next film Good Deeds, which Perry will write and direct as well. The film is about a successful businessman who must choose between his rich fiancée and a down-on-her-luck single mother. Even if it’s bad, Newton can take comfort that it can’t be worse than Norbit. (TheWrap)

JAY BARUCHEL will join Robert Pattinson, Samantha Morton, and Paul Giamatti in David Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis. Pattinson plays a billionaire who loses everything he has in one day, including his new wife. Bad things happening to Pattinson, I can get on board with. Baruchel plays the original founder and conscious at Pattinson’s company. (Deadline)

MAGGIE GRACE will star alongside Liam Neeson in Taken 2, produced by Luc Besson. And yes, the will-he-or-won’t-he-tension of whether Neeson would take on Taken 2 has been resolved in the affirmative. Eight-time “Namey” award winner Olivier Megaton will direct. (Deadline) (Collider)

Perry will write, produce, direct, do makeup for and star in Good Deeds. The title is a pun. See if you can figure it out: the film concerns Glen Deeds (did you catch it?), a successful businessman who must choose between his high class fiancée and a “down-on-her-luck” single mother who floats his boat Knowing romantic comedies, I assume he’ll end up with the rich woman he was intending to marry in the first place. That sounds more logical.

Good Deeds will be released by his new perma-home Lionsgate, and production begins late this month. (Variety)

After venturing out on his own for I, Alex Cross, gigantor has returned to Lionsgate with an exclusive contract promising two new Madea movies and a whole bunch of other excellent work, including something called We the Peeples, which I can tell from the name is going to be uh-mazing.

Because I’m too forlorn from this news to come up with anything prosaic, here’s a list of things we can expect to see Madea doing for years and years and years to come:

• Ride a bus
• Put on more “church clothes”
• Slap a young ‘un
• Provide a quick “info-taining” segment before every screening about what is and isn’t appropriate behavior in movie theaters, sparing white theater managers an awkward moment with their patrons
• Be gassy
• Gross $150 million domestically and about $0 in Europe
• Be sassy
• Offset a significant amount of the progress made by the civil rights movement

(Deadline)

In the film, directed by Rob Cohen (Stealth), Perry plays detective Cross, who disrupts a murderer’s plans. So the psycho killer, played by Matthew Fox (“Lost”), decides to send the detective a tersely-worded letter — actually, he kills the poor guy’s wife. Now Cross has to bring him to justice once more, with the help of his partner Tommy Kane (Ed Burns).

Summit CEO Rob Friedman managed to get the rights partly because he oversaw the last set of Alex Cross movies at Paramount, which starred Morgan Freeman and not a guy who dressed up like a fat woman dressing up like Snooki. (Deadline)

Yeah, the Madea parody poster trend continues for Madea’s Big Happy Family. This sort of campaign is normally reserved for an Epic Movie / Disaster Movie / Terrible Parody Movie type movie. And I hate those movies. Yeah, I know the tag line on the poster below says I should not be hatin’, but I don’t care. I’m hatin’. Mmm… that’s good haterade. (Cinema Blend)

“Fox plays Michael Sullivan, who kills both for money and thrills. He’s known as the Butcher of Sligo and shows why after Cross thwarts one of his killing attempts. Sullivan makes his retribution personal, by killing the  detective’s wife in gruesome fashion. Then it becomes a mano a mano battle between them.”

Yikes! Cross, by the way, is being played by Tyler Perry, who up to this point is best known for wearing a dress and claiming to not be afraid of no po-po. Even if this movie is terrible, it will probably still be sort of interesting. (via Deadline)

Jackson has starred in several Tyler Perry films for the studio, including Why Did I Get Married?, Why Did I Get Married, Too? and Madea Goes To Mars. Okay, I made up one of those titles, but I bet you can’t guess which one it was.* While you’re figuring it out, the Queen of the Malfunctioning Wardrobe had this to say about her 1-picture deal:

“My experiences of working with the creative group at Lionsgate have been powerful and exciting,” Jackson said in a statement. “We’ve made three films together so far, directed by the gifted and prolific Tyler Perry. There is genius at this studio in every department. They don’t just make films, they nurture artists who want to make great films.”

No argument about the “prolific” part. Also, no word on what the project will be, or even how nasty it will be. Only that she’ll be in control of the development process and is attached to produce. (TheWrap)

*It was Why Did I Get Married, Too?

While it’s clear that this lawsuit addresses racial discrimination and stereotyping, perhaps the theater owner was adopting a condescending tone simply because these people had paid to see a horrible, horrible film. If I step into a Ferrari dealership and extoll the virtues of a Kia, I’m going to get the same treatment. In this example, Tyler Perry is a Kia and every other director is something better than a Kia. Audiences at Kevin James and Michael Bay movies will receive similar condescending treatment, per the theater operator’s manual that I’m drafting.

While it sounds like an unpleasant situation all around, there is a silver lining. It has been cited that only 23 individuals were involved in the lawsuit. Assuming they were all black, that means that the total audience for a Tyler Perry film could have numbered as few as 26 people(23/.95, thankyouverymuch).

That’s a statistic we can all get behind. (Film Drunk)

This trailer looks like the film is an adaptation of daytime television. All of it. That six hour block of television that gives you a headache and the desire to die on weekday afternoons has been boiled down and shot with a more expensive camera. Not sure how Madea fits into all of this or what her antics will be this time, but I have a strong feeling it will require she takes off her earrings.

First we saw a Madea / Black Swan parody poster that’s one ugly-ass duckling, and now we find out that Tyler Perry is being packaged with director Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious) to adapt James Patterson’s detective thriller novel I, Alex Cross, part of a series of Alex Cross novels. If you saw Along Came A Spider and/or Kiss the Girls, you probably remember Morgan Freeman as detective Alex Cross, who brought a considerable weight to the dramatic role. I’m sure Perry also plans to bring weight to the role, in the form of a fat suit, and any additional pounds that may come from a wig, comically big glasses and a plate of hot grits to scold a dude with.

Several distributors are considering the package and wondering, “I’d like a piece of that sweet, sweet Tyler Perry box office money, but is this really gonna work? Like, at all?” One big problem is that Perry’s biggest hits are still the movies where he expresses his inner fat drag queen grandma, unless you count Star Trek, where I blinked and literally missed his performance. Still… money… (Deadline)

If this image haunts your nightmares, please direct all complaints to Tyler Perry. He did this I am just a conduit for his awful, awful message. Go bleach your eyes and hurry back for a decidedly less-offensive image.

Hey! It’s got a “4″ for the “A.” Other than that, it looks pretty much just like every other Scream poster, which is fine, because they’ve got a good thing going in their branding. I still think Madea looks much, much scarier. Seriously. Go back up and look at those nostrils.

Google knows everything. In fact, Google is so smart, it can actually answer your question before you’ve asked it by examining previous questions asked by millions of other people. The future is now! It’s a future ruled by machines, but a future none the less!

We decided to utilize this feature to find out what Google (and more importantly, what Internet users) really want to know about their favorite celebrities. The results were somewhat predictable, but disturbing all the same. We weeded out the repetitive answers, as it tuns out every celebrity alive is suspected of being either gay or Jewish. We also left out Richard Gere, because the man has been through enough of this shit.

At any rate, here are the results of our celebrity Google search experiment.

Angelina Jolie
That stuck up bitch!

Brad Pitt
I guess he figured out “what’s in the box.”

Chevy Chase
I always knew Funny Farm would come back to haunt him.

Christina Hendricks
We didn’t even have to type “is” to figure out what people are really looking for.

Jay Leno
That explains the lack of children. Poor Mavis.

Jeff Dunham
Google thinks Dunham is both “racist” and “a racist.” That’s super racist! (Get over it, Google, he’s a ventriloquist.)

Kanye West
Speaking of racism, Kanye West is Tracy Jordan? I guess they all look alike to you, eh Google? You make me sick.

Lady Gaga
I wish just one of these things were true.

Tyler Perry
I can’t think of a more humorless place than Tyler Perry Island.

According to my super-secret source within Paramount Pictures (by that I mean The Wrap), director Brad Bird and Tom Cruise are about to begin casting for the role of Ethan Hunt’s protégé in Mission: Impossible 4. While nothing is definite, Keven Zegers, Christopher Egan and Anthony Mackie are all vying for the part, although they may be in the running for other roles, as well.

After the failure of Cruise’s last film, Knight and Day, Paramount was anxious to hedge its bets by bringing in another prominent actor to help draw an audience. By that logic, I really don’t see why the studio passed over Tyler Perry. Diary of a Mad Black Warlord or I Can Do Baghdad All My Myself would have killed, and no one would have cared about the bad acting or cheesy plot. (/Film)

The Old Spice Guy, a.k.a. Isaiah Mustafa, has parlayed his recent popularity into a budding film career. First, he landed a smaller role in Horrible Bosses. Now comes word that Mustafa has landed a larger role in the upcoming Tyler Perry film, Madea’s Big Happy Family.

The film is reportedly a drag queen flick that fetishizes fat old women and strong, supportive black families. Mustafa will co-star alongside Perry, who will play the drag queen in question, and Lil Bow Wow, who will play the guy who is lucky to be working. (Empire Online)

Isaiah Mustafa the deodorant-shilling equestrian du jour, has been cast in Tyler Perry‘s next project. The former NFL player turned weird guy on a horse will appear in Perry’s adaptation of his play Tyler Perry’s Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf. Pfft, whatever hippie.

Mustafa appeared on Oprah‘s talk show to discuss his newfound fame when Perry himself showed up to offer him the role. It’s unclear where Mustafa will fit in with the all-star cast made up of Janet Jackson, Mariah Carey, Whoopi Goldberg, Phylicia Rashad and Anika Noni Rose, which originally featured no male roles. I’m sure he will fit right in though. As long as he doesn’t cause Madea to have to take off her earrings. God forbid any man suffer that fate.

Elsewhere, Orlando Jones has been cast in real-life as "Who?" (Cinema Blend)