Deadline reports that Angus T. Jones, who previously talked mad sh*t about the sitcom, won’t be returning as a regular. Jones may appear as a recurring character around his college schedule but that deal has not been locked in yet.

Jones’ departure is not surprising. He had indicated his desire to go to college and originally planned to leave after last season until he had a change of heart at the last minute and signed on to return. But with his character Jake in the Army, Jones has appeared only sporadically on the show this season. And then there was the young actor’s ill-advised comments in a religious video testimonial, in which he called Two And A Half Men “filth,” which went viral in November. Jones later apologized and subsequently returned to work.

Now, back to the monkey paw theory. Both Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer will return to spew drivel for salaries of $700K per episode. There’s no way that they enjoy the work. Even if it had the best writing on television, eleven years is a prison sentence. Somebody needs to find the monkey paw Jon Cryer wished upon and destroy. For his sake and ours.

Oh, capricious youth!

I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours. While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear. Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked and over the past 10 years who have become an extension of my family.

Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them. I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.

I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that.

If you listen carefully after reading that last press release sentence aloud, you can hear God audibly exhale, knowing that Angus T. Young is doing his work. Then if you listen even more closely following that, you will hear Charlie Sheen, faintly, but audibly, moan as he reaches climax while inhaling off of a crack pipe.

I would prefer you join the rest of us that aren’t collecting paychecks from the show in calling it filth, but it’s entirely up to you.

Angus B. Goode T. Young, who today we all learned in a very devout Christian, said in a video alongside his pastor/mentor/evangelist buddy, “Jake from ‘Two and a Half Men’ means nothing. He is a nonexistent character. If you watch ‘Two and a Half Men,’ please stop watching ‘Two and a Half Men.’ I’m on ‘Two and a Half Men’ and I don’t want to be on it.”

That poor guy. He’s an indentured servant to the tune of $300k/episode!!!

I’m torn here, because I hate hypocrites, but love people that slam Two and a Half Men.

WHAT DO I DO?

He doesn’t like it. In fact, what he said was, ”I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of pretending like the show doesn’t suck. I’m tired of pretending like Ashton [Kutcher] doesn’t suck.”

We all are, Charlie. We all are.

He then kept going.

“I’m tired of pretending like they’re not competely adrift,” he added. “Because when you take away the anchor from your show, which they stupidly did, you go adrift. And these guys are approaching like salvage vessel.”

So it “sucks,” but if that’s not artful enough for you, the show is also “approaching like salvage vessel.” And you can tell he’s serious because he’s not using any articles in that latter description. I’m not sure what you do when Charlie Sheen is calling you “adrift,” but it’s probably high time for some serious introspection when that bell is rung.

Following the comments to the photographer, Charlie Sheen crossed his arms over his chest, tucked into a blur spin, then flew off the planet.

It’s hard to know what Sheen is most critical about without watching the program, which is something that I’m just not going to do. Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher‘s floppy hair. That sure bugs me a lot, and sometimes I find it disrespectful to my legacy.

This statement is indicative of just another wild 180 that we have grown to love from the crack-smoking, hooker-banging former star of the show. Following the season premiere of Two and a Half Men starring Ashton Kutcher in his stead, Sheen claimed that he “loved,” the show, but seems to have changed his mind. What changed since the first episode? If you know, please post in the comments, but know that you will be outed as a Two and a Half Men-watcher.

Men Behaving Badly

When a show stars Rob Schneider it’s hard to find anything worse to say about it. If you don’t remember, MBB featured guys acting like moronic jerks, drinking tons of booze, burping as loudly as they could and being led around like a dog on a leash every time a set of boobs appeared. You know who liked this show? Stupid men whose psychological development stopped in third grade and women who don’t like men very much because they’ve met too many guys like that. Everyone else wasn’t watching and NBC unceremoniously cancelled the show after a few episodes of the second season.

The King of Queens

It’s high time someone made a TV show about a fat moron with a saucy wife. Oh wait, they’ve been doing that since I Love Lucy and it never gets any funnier. When not even the presence of Jerry Stiller and Patton Oswalt can do anything to save your show, that’s a sign that it’s really, really insufferably bad. Fun fact: This was the last show to begin in the 90s to remain on television. Really? Yep. It was on for like a million years or something. A million totally stupid years of Kevin James getting into wacky hijinks and trying to hide the fuck up of the week from his wife.

Paul Hennessy – 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

When actor John Ritter died of a congenital heart defect while on the set of 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, producers scrambled to salvage the series. As a result, they killed of his character in a similar manner to the actor’s death, and brought David Spade and James Garner as two new characters. Unfortunately, the show was never able to bounce back after the loss.

On a side note, I’m not sure what’s sadder: Ritter’s death, or the fact that someone made this tribute video.

Chico Rodriguez – Chico and the Man

Despite the fact that it was a hit show, you’ve probably never heard of Chico and the Man. That’s because actor Freddie Prinze (Chico) killed himself at the height of the show’s popularity. The show continued on, with producers bringing in a 12-year old replacement, and explaining that the Chico character had moved in with his father in Mexico. Eventually, it was revealed that the character was actually dead, but no explanation was given as to how he had died. Luckily, by the time the character’s death was acknowledged, no one was watching anyway.

Valerie Hogan – Valerie

Just because your name is in the title of a show does not mean you can’t be replaced. Just ask Valerie Harper, who was fired from her own show after “creative differences” arose. The show was then renamed Valerie’s Family, and later The Hogan Family. But despite the multiple name changes, one thing it was never called was “good television.”

Coach – Cheers

When actor Nicholas Colasanto died of heart problems during the third season of Cheers, producers took the Chico and the Man route, explaining away Coach’s absence rather than confronting it head on. But by the forth season, they could no longer ignore the elephant in the room. Coach’s death became part of the plot, as did the addition of his replacement, Woody, who went on to become one of the show’s most popular characters.

Edith Bunker – Archie Bunker’s Place

When All in the Family morphed into a show called Archie Bunker’s Place, actress Jean Stapleton’s character, Edith, became less and less involved. Rather than take a backseat to her costars, she decided to leave the show. Soon after, producers killed the character off with a stroke, the result of which is one of the most depressing moments in sitcom history. Unless your sitcom is named Louie, depressing really isn’t an adjective you want people to use when describing your show.

Dan Conner – Roseanne

Dan Conner’s death via heart attack wasn’t acknowledged until the final episode of the show, which means a lot of people probably don’t even know he was killed off. After all, because the final season was such a bizarre train wreck involving lottery winnings and fantasy scenarios, most people had already stopped watching.

Bill McNeal – NewsRadio

When actor Phil Hartman was shot and killed by his wife, producers were forced to kill off his NewsRadio character, a.k.a. Bill McNeal, with a heart attack. A heart attack isn’t very inventive, but the whole murder-suicide route probably wouldn’t have gone over too well. Hartman was replaced by his close friend Jon Lovitz, but the show was never able to recover.

Henry Blake – M*A*S*H

Of all the deaths on this list, Henry Blake’s may be the most famous. After actor McLean Stevenson decided to leave the show to pursue a lead role on his own sitcom, M*A*S*H writers decided to kill off his character rather than simply write him off the show. Luckily, a show that revolves around the Korean War allows for that sort of thing, and Henry Blake was killed in a plane crash over the Sea of Japan, a twist that caught both the audience and the show’s cast by surprise.

Susan Ross – Seinfeld

In perhaps the greatest sitcom death of all time, Susan Ross (Heidi Swedberg) died after licking hundreds of cheap-toxic envelopes purchased by her fiancé George Costanza. The bizarre death was one of the darkest comedic moments in the history of network TV, and was only heightened by the fact that Costanza seemed more relieved than saddened by his partner’s death.

TMZ reports that Charlie’s character, “Charlie,” will be pushed off a subway platform in Paris by Rose, who he married in Paris offscreen. So rather than do something crazy, ridiculous, and spiteful, which we all wanted, they went in a direction that actually ties to some other plot points, which is disappointing, but not necessarily a surprise. I don’t know who Rose is, and I don’t want to know. I mean, I like her because she killed off a Two and a Half Men character, but he was the only interesting one.

So I forfeit the $10 I had in the Charlie Harper death pool, with $5 on “getting stuck to death while allergic to bees like Macauley Culkin in My Girl” and “decapitated by Jon Cryer in CGI cage match.” I could have used that money, too.

“Who could have predicted that we would have been here six months ago?” Tassler said. “The great news is that the show will be as irreverent as it has always been. Our program practices people are already on high alert. That’s some of the good news coming out of it.”

By irreverent, read more sexual innuendos. She would not confirm the season premiere would be Charlie’s funeral, but introduced Kutcher’s character. “His name is Walden Schmidt and he is an Internet billionaire with a broken heart and it will be a two-parter over two weeks. A little bit of the mystery is part of the marketing, but he is a unique character. As we said in the marketing plan, all will be revealed on X date. The mystery is a part of the marketing. It’s going to be a big event. The chatter and the conversation and the discussion about it is part of what the fun of it can be.”

When asked what she learned from the Charlie Sheen situation, and the suggestion that many people would have predicted his meltdown six months ago, Tassler spun it into a positive future.

“We look at where we are today. I look at where we were six months ago. Our whole focus right now is moving forward. We have an extraordinary actor in Ashton Kutcher. We have someone who is committed to doing their job, to being there, an incredible professional. So as I said, six months ago today, we’re worlds apart. We made the decision, everyone made the decisions relative to the situation at hand.”

Asked if the Sheen situation would change CBS’s casting practices when considering actors with potential issues, Tassler responded, “That would probably be every actor in the business so it would be kind of hard. I don’t think we would change the practice with which we hire actors now. It’s an artistic creative process. You have actors audition. It’s professional, so I don’t think it would change the way we employ actors.”

TMZ reports that those someone close to the show (they should really just admit it’s Jon Cryer) has divulged that Sheen’s character will die early in the next season, making way for Ashton Kutcher‘s character to slide right into the show’s vacant bowling shirts and cargo pants.

The million-dollar questions that remains, however, is how Charlie “Harper” will meet his maker. It’s a safe bet that it won’t be a dignified end, based on the acrimony that resulted from Sheen’s unexpected (sort of) booting late last season. My guess is a David Carradine-type shuffling of the mortal coil, but let’s not rule out a Vespa accident or SuperHerpes.

Anyway, the former “Man Show” host had some choice joke-words for advertisers attending this year’s ABC upfronts. Here are some highlights. We’ll start with Kimmel roasting his own network. Hopefully, a little self-deprecating humor will cover all those shitty programming mistakes nicely.

“Remember those shows that we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem.”

“You [advertisers] come here and we shower you with promises and never really follow through on any of them. If this was a show, we’d call it ‘The Bachelor.’ We tell you we love you; we give you a rose; we canoodle with you in a hot tub and then two and a half months down the line, you realize we’re gay.”

“We’re excited about all of our shows. Except ‘Shark Tank’. We have no idea how that got back on the schedule. You know what someone should invent on ‘Shark Tank’? A replacement for ‘Shark Tank’.”

Now onto the other networks…

“I have to say, I think ['The X-Factor'] is the best idea of 2002. It’s like ‘American Idol‘ meets a mirror.”

“NBC thanked God for ‘The Voice’… God has nothing to do with what’s going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after ‘Friends’. And God isn’t in the demo anyway.”

“CBS announced a plan to move forward and retool the show, and sure enough they found another tool, Ashton Kutcher. He happens to be a pretty solid choice. He’s popular, he’s handsome, he’s talented and he has experience. Remember, he did a very good job replacing Bruce Willis.”

And there you go. The message is: we suck, but they suck too. So… give us your money? (Hollywood Reporter)

Good news: Charlie Sheen has something to talk about again. *Wipes Brow*

CBS and Warner Bros are in the final stages of their deal to replace Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” with… Ashton Kutcher. This makes some logical sense, as they’re both on-screen douches and Kutcher is experienced in the multicamera sitcom world. My sources tell me he will also build a Scrooge McDuck style swimming vault for all the money they’re giving him.

Hugh Grant passed on the gig, and despite publicly saying he’s not interested, John Stamos has been waiting by the phone this entire time. Showrunner Chuck Lorre is supposedly happy with the selection, and now Sheen will have someone else to call a “troll” for awhile. Let the inevitable Twitter battle begin. (Hollywood Reporter)

Producers for “Two and a Half Men” were in deep talks with Grant to replace Sheen on the show, until he bowed out at the 11th hour, citing those time-tested “creative differences,” despite a rumored payday of $1 million per episode. Perhaps he was about to ink the contract when he asked offhand, “Do you mind if I see a script real quick?” After thumbing through the script, he then threw it on the conference and bellowed to the executives, “Awwww hellllllll no!” Or maybe he got his fill of working with awkward fat kids in About a Boy.

He then stormed out of the room, leaving Jon Cryer sitting outside, eagerly holding a cake that read “Welcome to CBS, Mr. Grant!!!”

Regardless of how it went down, Grant’s exit from negotiations leaves CBS without a bankable A-list replacement before upfronts next week. They still haven’t tapped other noted hooker patron Eddie Murphy. (I’m just trying to be helpful.)(Deadline)

Of course, without Sheen, that only leaves, at most, 1.5 men, so the rumor mill is halfheartedly churning out speculation as to who the next warm body will be to fill Sheen’s skanky, skanky shoes. The names currently being tossed around are Woody Harrelson, Jeremy Piven, and Bob Saget, but a Warner Bros. rep says none of those guys are in the running. Some insiders are speculating a “roommate” scenario where guest stars appear for an episode or two as roommates, then take off. This concept sounds ridiculously far-fetched until you think about how long you would be able to handle living with Jon Cryer. A week or two sounds about right.

The show is expected to come back mid-season, but with no word on the fat kid’s involvement. (THR)

Apparently, not only was this not clear to Sheen, but he had been galavanting around Tinseltown telling everyone that he was “in discussions” to get his job back. Warner Bros. really wants everyone to know that is not the case.

Because they summed up their position so succinctly, I won’t do them the disservice of paraphrasing. Their exact words are:

“As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions, and there will be no discussions, regarding his returning to or having any involvement in the series.”

So you’re telling me there’s a chance? (THR)

Are we good? Okay, great. So, Charlie Sheen is going on tour. When the “Charlie Sheen‘s: Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option” was announced, he was only scheduled to make just 2 stops, which is the lamest amount of stops to qualify as a “tour.”

Now the Insanity Express is starting to shape up. Sheen and his extremely frustrated lawyers have added 12 new stops across the US and Canada. I posted the list below. God knows what you’ll be seeing, hearing or forced to experience at a Charlie Sheen one-man show. I think the expectations for craziness are so high that he’s got to go the other way at this point and give a somber, well-reasoned argument for his side of the “Two and a Half Men“-ocalypse. But the odds of anything rational sounding coming out of Sheen’s Traveling Korner are minimal at best.

However, at the end of the day, he’s taking crazy all the way to the crazy bank, making $300,000 for just the first two sold out performances in Detroit and Chicago. (Hollywood Reporter)

April 14
Toronto, ON
Massey Hall

April 16
Atlantic City, NJ
Taj Mahal

April 19
Washington, DC
DAR Constitution Hall

April 21
Atlanta, GA
Fox Theater

April 22
Tampa Bay, FL
St. Pete Times Union

April 23
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
BankAtlantic Center

April 26
Houston, TX
Verizon Wireless

April 27
Dallas, TX
American Airlines Center

April 28
Denver, CO
Wells Fargo

April 30
San Francisco, CA
Nob Hill

May 02
Vancouver, BC
Rogers Arena

May 03
Seattle, WA
Comcast Arena

The show is called “Charlie Sheen LIVE: My Violent Torpedo of Truth.” I assume the tour is sponsored by Tiger Blood. Here’s an official description:

“Will there be mayhem? Will you ask questions? Will you laugh? Will you scream? Will you know the truth?”

Uh… will I?

I guess the whole ousted-TV-star-turned-road-warrior thing worked for Conan O’Brien, but at least with Conan‘s live show I had some idea of what to expect. For all you know, a $35 ticket will buy you an evening of Sheen screaming the word “trolls” at you and your girlfriend. Of course, on the other hand, I’ve had worse dates. (CNN, Ticketmaster)

Early reports were that Chuck Lorre wanted this handsome S.O.B. to take over for Charlie Sheen after he went nuclear and got fired from “Two and a Half Men.” Stamos had the chance to speak out in dulcet, mercy-requesting tones earlier today.

“I don’t want to replace anyone, especially Charlie Sheen. It’s just not where my head is at.”

“Nobody has officially talked to me and, quite frankly, as flattering as it is, it’s really not part of my career plan right now. I’m just on a different trajectory.”

“Charlie is great on that show and people love Charlie on that show and people love the way the show is,” he said. “So, in the big scheme of things, apparently there’s a lawsuit going on, so I don’t know, but I hope it works out and I hope he goes back and people get the show that they love.”

So both Rob Lowe and now Stamos have decided not to be Jon Cryer‘s handsome foil. Seems like nobody wants to step into Sheen’s shoes. Which is probably a good choice. No telling what foot diseases that madman has picked up at all those kissing parties. (E!)

What does this mean? Well, it’s newsworthy in that Sheen referred to Lowe as a “beautiful man,” which is pretty funny, but other than that, it means nothing. The only people who can get fired and still choose their successor seem to exist in Aaron Sorkin shows, and this happens to be a Chuck Lorre production, so no dice, Charlie. Everyone following at home, please update your scorecards to reflect this change:

People Charlie Sheen Likes: Rob Lowe

People Charlie Sheen Hates with Every Fiber of His Being: Every Other Living Human

Charlie also took the opportunity during this rare interview to offer an apology to John Cryer for calling him a troll and a traitor. Sort of. His exact words?

“It’s kind of a half apology,” he said. “It’s an apol.”

Half an apology for half a man. A nagging feeling tells me this won’t be the last Charlie Sheen story we ever do…(The Wrap)

The Warlock was back Tuesday evening for episode #4 of his “Sheen’s Korner” web series. He gave his audience of 50,000 brave souls ‘n’ trolls what they wanted: craziness, somewhat higher production values, and more craziness. Sheen even called himself our “messiah.” Well, he is a godsend for bloggers, that’s for sure.

Here are a few highlights from the 16 minute solo show, featuring a cleaner-looking, though still crazy-talking Sheen. First, a summary of Sheen’s firing from “Two and a Half Men,” in Sheen’s words:

“What has occurred yes in fact is a completely and entirely illegal and unconscionable act. Or, to quote my lawyer, really shitty shitty suck suck.”

“Really shitty shitty suck suck” is legalese for “I’m Charlie Sheen’s lawyer and I’ve gone b-b-b-b-batshit crazy.”

“Now that I have your lazy f*cking attention, world, sit back and rejoice for the mouth of a messiah, the Count of Calabasas, the f*cking warlock of your jealous face sits before you, undigested hummus, trading real estate for this fire dance.”

Getting the people on his side. Good tactic.

Here’s Sheen deciding to take the high road and not insult former bosses and co-workers like CBS Chief Les Moonves and sitcom showrunner Chuck Lorre:

“Less Than Goonves. Part scoundrel. Part my hair to the side. ‘Screw Les,’ I proclaimed. Or better yet, screw more! You gave me your word, so in turn, you gave me nothing. It must really suck being your missus, the promise of getting something — yet receiving nothing. […] Sizzle! Losing! Bye!”

“Hiya, Chuckie Cheeseball. Where ya hiding, silly clown? Behind your narcissism? Your greed? Your hatred of yourself or women? […] I see you behind your desperate desire to be liked. ‘Forget love — that ship sailed when you were born,’ to use one of your stupid and unfunny jokes. Good luck with those tin cans, Shitbrain, in the mush mouth of some pathetic carcass you so arrogantly attempt to trade out for this warlock.”

Oh, and he also said this:

“Can slabs of jaundiced gorilla pelts fill the plates of those clowns and nabobs. Oh, how they once begged to attend my perfect banquet in the nude. Now they just beg for the keys to my gold.”

??????

That kinda sounds like pirate talk. Do Pirates even fight trolls? I guess maybe if their ship approaches a bridge.

You know what, it’s late. This will probably all make sense in the morning. Or… maybe not. (Hollywood Reporter, Movieline)

According to rumors, producer Chuck Lorre‘s shortlist includes Rob Lowe, Jerry O’Connell, and the now infamous choice of John Stamos. I’d like to see Lowe stay on”Parks and Recreation,” so I hope Lorre takes Uncle Jesse or the guy from “Sliders.” Two other candidates are his own dad, Martin Sheen – I’d love to be a fly on the wall at that Thanksgiving dinner – and noted non-male Heather Locklear. That would obviously take the show in a different direction, in which 1 out of the 2 1/2 men had a vagina.

I’d like to offer up another suggestion: a shark. Every week, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones can jump over him. (Cinema Blend)

An announcement serving both Warner Bros. and CBS stated simply, “After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on “Two and a Half Men” effective immediately.” One can only guess that failing to end that statement with “Duh.” was an oversight.

This should free up Mr. Sheen to return to his callings as a martian rock star, a fighter jet, feline blood, or whatever else the hell he’s decided to start calling himself since I started typing this article four minutes ago.

No word on the fate of the show, though with one less man, that means that the show will be 40% weaker. Certainly, news on the fate of the show will come shortly, but don’t expect crew members to pass up pilot season holding candlelight vigils in the hopes that Jon Cryer and the fat kid will be enough to keep this thing going. (TV Line)

***UPDATE***

Sheen has already somehow responded with:

“This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

I’m sure the producers are already regretting their decision to part ways with him. (TMZ)

Just when you think the awesomeness that is Charlie Sheen can’t get any crazier, up pops a book of poetry (A Piece of Mind) written by the star in the early 90′s. Among the obvious revelations, Charlie likes drugs and Abraham Lincoln. But beneath the surface lies an open window from witch to gaze upon the star’s shattered soul. Come with us as we decipher the poetry of Charlie Sheen. Winning.

A Thoughtless Soul
By Charlie Sheen

As he pulled his head,
From the drool stained pillow,
His eyes blood red,
His oxygen shallow.

(Translation: A typical Tuesday morning.)

Feet on carpet,
That pain to fight,
These are the effects,
Of another night.

(Translation: Last night, I did drugs and got a hooker.)

A night of drink,
A night of hate,
A night as dark,
As last nights date.

(Translation: The hooker was black.)

A look to the mirror,
No face of youth,
Self inflicted carnage,
A cracked and hollow tooth.

(Translation: The hooker hit me with a lamp.)

This punishment a vile choice,
So worthless, yet so bold.
Carving lines of disrespect,
This young lad growing old.

(Translation: Too many lines of coke have made me impotent.)

Yet masking truth and hiding pain,
Will surely take it’s toll,
Will he unto others, or to himself,
Remain a thoughtless soul?

(Translation: I wonder if I’ll always be a coked-up hooker frequenting asshole.)

Heretic Proof
By Charlie Sheen

Endive, undead, unbroken,
Unwed,

(Translation: Getting Married is for assholes.)

Relax, relate, rehab,
Drug addict,

(Translation: I can cure my addictions with my mind.)

Pursue, persuade, persist,
Per-petuate [sic] your own death
By smiling a lot.

(Translation: I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.)

Supply, succumb, deny — everything.
Always.

(Translation I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. Also, I’m on coke and crystal…and quaaludes)

Turtle, android, pain.
Endeavor, endless, end.

(Translation: Turtles and Androids: SyFy must be running Blade Runner again.)

P.S. Janonis.

(Translation: I did coke with a Lithuanian soccer player.)

I.D. Blues
By Charlie Sheen

“Excuse me, aren’t you…?”
“Hey, you look just like…”
“Oh my God, that’s…”
“Sorry to interrupt your dinner, but aren’t you…”
“Look, I never do this, but, my wife thinks you’re…”
“My friend is so convinced that you’re…”
“I’m so embarrassed, but, aren’t you…?”
“I know you must be tired of this, but…”

(Translation: The little people who buy tickets to my movies and watch my shows, thereby supporting my outrageous coke habit and constant whoring, are really, really annoying.)

“WAIT!!”
All eyes held in stare, all mouths locked open in shock, as he pulled the latex Charlie Sheen mask from his head, revealing the rotted skull of President Lincoln.

(Translation: I will free the world from the tyranny that is not winning. Also, Lincoln rules, but Jefferson was still a pussy.)

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #334

I understand that I’m under a lot of pressure to respond to certain statements made about me recently. The following are my uncensored thoughts. I hope this will put an end to any further speculation.

I believe that consciousness creates the illusion of individuation, the false feeling of being separate. In other words I am aware, ergo I am alone. I further believe that this existential misunderstanding is the prime motivating force for the neurotic compulsion to blot out consciousness. This explains the paradox of our culture, which celebrates the ego while simultaneously promoting its evisceration with drugs and alcohol. It also clarifies our deep-seated fear of monolithic, one-minded systems like communism, religious fundamentalism, zombies and invaders from Mars. Each one is a dark echo of an oceanic state of unifying transcendence from which consciousness must, by nature, flee. The Fall from Grace is, in fact, a Sprint from Grace. Or perhaps more accurately, “Screw Grace, I am so outta here!”

Questions?

1st Aired: 28 February 2011

I do have questions, in fact. First, did you just quit “Two and a Half Men,” or all of your crappy shows? Secondly, what? A little rambly, Chuck. Did you get high on Charlie’s supply?? And, finally, why vanity cards as opposed to your actual mouth? You’re not Silent Bob. Use your words. (Deadline)

Unless you just escaped from North Korea, you probably know that actor Charlie Sheen (a.k.a. an F-18 Vatican Assassin Warlock with Adonis DNA and Tiger’s Blood) has been giving all sorts of bat-shit insane interviews to anyone who will listen. From the morning talk shows, to “TMZ,” to E! Online, “Good-Time Charlie” has been regaling the common man with tales of his wondrous lifestyle, while at the same time, delivering violent warnings to his enemies.

Now, you could spend hours sifting through these interviews looking for the magic. But why do that when we’ve compiled the best quotes for you? Enjoy them while you can, cause from the sound of it, Charlie might not be around that much longer.

On drugs…

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“I did that because they work … change the way you see things and change the way you feel. And yeah, when you’re a little bit bored with the redundancy of certain aspects of your life, yeah, I think that’s why people do them.”

On his job…

“I don’t have a job. I’ve got a whole family to support and love. People a lot more important than me are relying on that money to fuel the magic.”

On beating addiction…

“I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction … the fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool.”

On his own in-home rehab…

“Well, we couldn’t really call it rehab because we didn’t have a license to operate one, so it was a crisis management center that we labeled the Sober Valley Lodge. … its primary client achieved radical success.”

On talking about his behavior with his children…

“Talk about an education. And then, like, this, and then that’s the guy, and that’s our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, winning!”

On being special…

“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”

On winning…

“Duh, winning! It’s, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”

On what people think…

“If people think I’m insane or they don’t think that what I’m saying is true, I have no interest in their retarded opinions. I’m gonna live my life the way I want, I’m gonna win inside every moment, and they can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show.”

On being tired…

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

On life…

“I have a grandiose life. Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it this way.”

On riding the school bus…

“When I was 7 years old, I woke up on the school bus behind the last seat. The bus had been driven downtown somewhere I had never seen before parked where they park buses. I was 7 and had to find my way home. That was pretty gnarly. I woke up and went, ‘This ain’t Malibu.’”

On his dad, Martin Sheen…

“He’s Captain Willard and that’s pretty bitchin’. Dude killed Brando. Come on.”

On criticism…

“These insults are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.”

On his kids…

“The babies live with me, they’re in the kitchen right now. They run around and they’re as fun as you can imagine. They say “Dada” and run into walls. And Dada is cool, but when they run into walls I say, ‘Don’t do that, that’s retarded.’”

On renting a 250K house for porn stars…

CS: “There were reasons. There were good reasons.”

TMZ: “A porn family?”

CS: “It’s not a porn family.”

TMZ: “You wanted to move a bunch of hot porn stars into a house down the street.”

CS: “It was a temporary plan that fell apart. Big deal. Ya know. You gotta have a plan. Some of them work, some of them don’t. It’s how you learn.”

Amen, Charlie. Amen.

Stamos is being tight lipped about the whole thing, and his official tweet on the matter was just a (decent) joke:

“Contrary to the rumors I am not replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. however, Martin Sheen has asked me to be his son.”

We’ll keep you posted on the matter as it develops, and we can assure you, this is the most we’ve thought about “Two And a Half Men” since it premiered in 2003. (E Online)

Charlie Sheen’s reign of terror/fire/amazingness continues, as the actor has agreed to grant interviews to ABC’s “Good Morning America” and NBC’s “The Today Show.” He’s gone so far off the deep end that anything that comes out of his mouth is automatically gold, whether or not it’s unfortunate. He told GMA that he intends to sue CBS for pulling the plug on “Two and a Half Men”:

“I’m gonna sue for what I’m worth and what I deserve and what they think they can take from me. They can’t,” Sheen said. “I don’t have a job. I got a whole family to support and love. And — people beyond myself, people a lot more important than me, are relying on that money to — fuel the magic.”

He also had something interesting to say about CBS regarding giving them an apology:

“They owe me a big one – publicly – while they lick my feet.”

It’s abundantly clear that Sheen has lost his mind, possibly for good, and while that might be unfortunate, he’s doing so in a blaze of hellfire and glory, and we’ll keep you posted about every little branch he hits on the way down. (Deadline)

UPDATE: Sheen wants CBS to lick his feet.

Charles Sheen’s descent into madness from his tropical island paradise continues. Sheen has informed the cast and crew of “Two and a Half Men” that they are “at war” with “the turds who are currently in place.” It can only be assumed that he has retreated to the Bahamas to raise and train a team of elite soldiers in his crusade against Chuck Lorre, the de facto leader of the turds.

It is not certain what Sheen meant when he called into Los Angeles KLAC 570 Sports and proclaimed that things would “get really gnarly.” It’s possible that Sheen is intending to use his army of coke-fueled porn stars against Lorre, CBS, and Warner Bros. in an effort to stop them from being “a couple AA Nazis and really just blunt hypocrites.”

We at Screen Junkies can only assume that the man next to Sheen in this picture is either his consigliere, some sort of miniature military tactician, or possibly a porn star to satisfy Sheen’s increasingly depraved fetishes. Perhaps both. (THR)