If there’s a tween-age girl you’re looking to piss off, be sure and forward her this trailer…unless of course there’s a court order that prevents you from doing so, in which case, don’t worry about it.

(Check Out A Guy’s Guide To Twilight)

You’ve probably already decided that you aren’t going to see Breaking Dawn. Not only will you be missing out on one of the greatest unintentional comedies of all time, but you’ll also be depriving yourself of one of the most bat-shit-crazy 20-minute stretches of melodrama ever committed to film. Breaking Dawn’s first half is nigh unwatchable, taking a solid hour to limp through what seems to be about fifteen minutes’ worth of story. But its second half—particularly its final twenty minutes—is something you owe it to yourself to see.

It. Is. Glorious. But it’s not like that finale is the only reason you should see Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 this weekend. Hell, I can think of at least half a dozen reasons you should go. Here they are, in no particular order. Spoilers ahead, obviously…

Shirts Are Irrelevant From Minute-One

Stephenie Meyer wants you to believe that she’s essayed a deep, thoughtful, compelling romance in the Twilight series, but the story’s so emotionally false, it’s simply impossible to take seriously. Kristen Stewart’s Bella consistently comes across as emotionally unstable, her moods swinging from one extreme to another seemingly without cause. And yet, the men in her world—be it Jacob The Werewolf-Boy or Edward The Sparkly Vampire-Lad—welcome each new swoop of the pendulum with endless patience and understanding. There’s something to be said for working through the issues you’re having with your partner, but let’s be realistic here: if any dude I know were dating Bella, he’d dump her ass after the third inexplicable meltdown (note: if Kristen Stewart were hotter, this might be a touch more believable).

Also worth noting: Condon’s camera is constantly lingering on this movie’s version of money shots—a wedding gown, expensive furniture, an absurdly ornate piece of jewelry stuck to Stewart’s head. The girls in my audience cooed at each of these shots, sometimes outright moaning. It was freaky, until I realized I was watching emo-porn for the tween girl set.

The PG-13 Sex Scene To End All PG-13 Sex Scenes

You’d think that after three films and however-much-time-has-passed in the novels, Edward and Bella’s “first time” (the word “sex” is never used here, because…I mean, my God, how filthy would that be?!) would be a bed-breaking, Earth-shattering affair. And ya know what? It is. Edward hits that like the fist of an angry God, ripping a huge chunk out of the headboard, leaving bruises all over Bella’s beautifully, uh, already-sickly-looking pale skin, and somehow destroying every pillow in the process. At least, that’s what I gathered from the onscreen evidence; it’s entirely possible that—in the same world where vampires sparkle—vampires also ejaculate feathers. I mean, Edward just decimates that ass. But this is a PG-13 movie, so we get a couple quick shots—mostly of furniture being destroyed—before the all-purpose “cut to the morning after” shot. Still, though, it’s unintentionally hilarious.

Twilight is the first film in The Twilight Saga. It’s so OG that it doesn’t even have “The Twilight Saga” in its name, kind of like Star Wars before George Lucas decided he wanted to piss all over your childhood.

This film tells the lovely tale of how a 100-year-old dude got a 17-year-old girl he basically hates to fall in love with him while he was hanging around high school.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Summary

Bella Swan leaves Arizona so her mom can be a MILF with some dude who plays minor league baseball. When she gets to her new school, all these Mormon-faced dorks want to slip their tube steak in her. Instead, she falls in love with Edward Cullen, a 100-year-old man who looks like a teenager and treats her like shit. Edward is part of a clan of vegan vampires who sparkle in the sunlight. He’s a pretty good lesson in what women want, especially women who like stuff like Twilight.

Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire because she is apparently really smart. However, she’s not smart enough to know to avoid some dude who breaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep. While playing baseball with the Mormon Vampire Cullen family, another group of vampires who look like the Black Eyed Peas see Bella and decide to eat her. The Cullens don’t cotton to this, and kill one of them to protect her. Specifically, they kill the blond vampire who looks like that guy whose girlfriend you boned in college while he sat in the corner and cried. At any rate, Edward saves Bella’s life after the blond dude bites her, and all is well in Twilight land.

(Editors note: By posting this gallery we are in no way suggesting that you go see Breaking Dawn.)

Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner

Synopsis: The Quileute and the Volturi close in on expecting parents Edward and Bella, whose unborn child poses different threats to the wolf pack and vampire coven.

Release Date: November 18

Here are our picks from Thursday’s schedule. You can check out the entire schedule HERE.

11:15-12:15 The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1— Summit Entertainment presents a sneak peek at the highly anticipated next chapter of The Twilight Saga. This is a must see for fans interested in the story’s final chapters. You’ll see exclusive footage from The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 and be treated to a filmmaker and cast Q&A session providing details on the first half of the epic two-part finale. Hall H

2:00-3:00 Napoleon Dynamite— Original cast members from the hit indie film including Jon Heder, Tina Majorino, Efren Ramirez, Jon Gries, Sandy Martin, Diedrich Bader and executive producer Mike Scully (The Simpsons) present a new series following your favorite awkward teenager like you’ve never seen him before — animated! Join us for a sneak peek at never-before-seen footage of the newest member of FOX’s Animation Domination lineup and a “sweet” Q&A session. Room 7AB

3:00-4:00 Game of Thrones Panel and Q&A session— Based on the bestselling fantasy book series A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin, HBO’s Game of Thrones concluded its 10-episode debut season on June 19. The series, executive produced and written by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, follows kings and queens, knights and renegades, liars and noblemen as they vie for power in a land where summers span decades and winters can last a lifetime. Some of the cast featured in the first season and appearing on this panel are (in alphabetical order) Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Ser Jaime Lannister, Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister, Kit Harington as Jon Snow, and Jason Momoa as Khal Drogo. Moderated by George R. R. Martin, who also serves as a co-executive producer and writer on the series. Ballroom 20

3:15-4:30 20th Century Fox— At past Comic-Cons, 20th Century Fox has previewedIndependence Day, X2 Avatar, and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. You won’t want to miss the excitement this year, as Fox presents first-looks at some of its most-anticipated pictures of 2011 and 2012. Hall H

4:00-5:00 Archer Screening and Q&A— This animated half-hour comedy revolves around the spy agency known as the International Secret Intelligence Service (ISIS) and the lives of its self-involved employees. Series creator Adam Reed (Sealab 2021, Frisky Dingo) and the show’s voice-over actors discuss their daunting and enigmatic work of espionage, reconnaissance missions, and undercover surveillances — which are all actually unmitigated occasions for the ISIS staff to undermine, sabotage, and betray each other for personal gains and prosperity. Panelists include H. Jon Benjamin (Bob’s Burgers, Jon Benjamin Has a Van) as the highly skilled yet incredibly vain master spy Sterling Archer; Aisha Tyler (Talk Soup,CSI) as fellow agent provocateur Lana Kane; Chris Parnell (Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock) as the easily intimidated comptroller of ISIS, Cyril Figgis; Judy Greer (Mad Love, Arrested Development) as the loquacious secretary, Cheryl/Carol; Amber Nash (Frisky Dingo, Aqua Teen Hunger Force) as the discordant director of human resources for ISIS, Pam Poovey; andGeorge Coe (Funny People, Curb Your Enthusiasm) as Sterling’s elderly and always-exploited butler, Woodhouse. Indigo Ballroom, Hilton San Diego Bayfront

5:00-6:00 Beavis & Butthead— In 1993, Mike Judge (creator of Beavis and Butthead) and MTV knocked their heads together and launched a cartoon series starring a couple of lunkheads and unwittingly started an animated pop culture revolution. Now, Beavis and Butthead are coming back to MTV in 2011 to unleash on music videos, Jersey Shore, viral videos, and more. See the first footage from the new episodes, and join Mike as he discusses the duo’s return to MTV! Room 6A

5:30-7:30 Showtime : Tired of Ordinary Television?— This year at Comic-Con, Showtime saves! The casts and creative forces behind Dexter and Shameless give sneak peeks into the new seasons. And be the first to see an exclusive look at the new Showtime original series Homeland. Ballroom 20

6:00-7:00 Entertainment Weekly: The Visionaries: A discussion with Jon Favreau and Guillermo del Toro on the Future of Pop Culture— EW moderates an in-depth conversation with Jon Favreau (Cowboys & Aliens) and Guillermo del Toro (Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark), two filmmakers at the forefront of bringing geek culture to the masses and making blockbuster art out of pulp fiction. They will discuss their inspirations, their current work, and how they strive to put a personal stamp on blockbuster entertainment. Plus: How is new technology changing the way stories are produced and viewed? And what do they think the pop culture universe will look like a decade from now? Moderated by Jeff “Doc” Jensen.Hall H

6:15-7:30 Wilfred Screening and Q &A— Elijah Wood (Lord of the Rings, Happy Feet) stars as Ryan, a young man struggling unsuccessfully to make his way in the world until he forms a unique friendship with Wilfred, his neighbor’s canine pet, played by Jason Gann (The Wedge, Mark Loves Sharon), who co-created and starred in the Australian version of Wilfred in 2007. While everyone else sees Wilfred as just a dog, Ryan sees a crude and surly man in a cheap dog suit. Elijah and Jason, along with Wilfred co-stars Fiona Gubelmann(Californication, Cold Case) and Dorian Brown (Roommates, Psych), executive producer David Zuckerman (Family Guy, American Dad, King of the Hill), and co-executive producer/director Randall Einhorn (The Office, Modern Family) discuss bringing this unique, live-action comedy to life. Room 6A

As for the pictures themselves, they look pretty much like you’d expect, with Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, and Kristen Stewart doing various things. You’ve got the pale guy and the girl eating eggs or something. The other guy running through the rain, some girls in dresses, some magazine covers – let’s not make too big a deal out of this, OK? Just try to maintain your composure and remember: It’s only a movie.

With The Twilight Saga drawing to a close after just two more box office cash grabs, many are curious what the movie’s title treatment will look like (just go with it). Friends, your day has come.

As you can see in the graphic above, the logo for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I will look just like all the other Twilight logos. They even use the font most popularly known as The Twilight Saga Font. For a series that switches out actors at the drop of a hat, it’s nice to see this kind of consistency. And it’s pretty tight from a Spell Check perspective.

This sneak peak still from the upcoming Twilight: Breaking Dawn, which teases a heartwarming sex scene between tween dream actors Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. The image looks like it was shot in soft focus with bright warm lights – this doesn’t exactly look like”True Blood,” that’s for sure. More like softcore porn or a Barbara Walters special. However, my understanding is that there’s a super-gory childbirth scene in Breaking Dawn, but even still, this isn’t vampire sex. This is tamer than the cover of a Harlequin novel. (Collider)