_{Someone tell this girl how chairs work.}

Take off your press-ons, ladies. Things are about to get rowdy. Taken takee Maggie Grace has been cast as Bella’s nemesis Irina in Twilight: Breaking Dawn. My girlfriend hasn’t updated me yet on the next installment so I’ll let Deadline do the honors:

Irina is a member of the Denali coven, considered cousins to the Cullen clan as the only other "vegetarian" vampire group. When Irina blames the Cullens for the death of her lover, her actions set in motion a terrifying chain of events.

And by terrifying they mean sparkly. The film is being directed by Bill Condon and released in two parts because that means more money. The first part comes out November 18, 2011 and the second part November 16, 2012. After that, Twihards dismember a highly populated metropolis.

Our hopes of seeing a vampire use his fangs to perform a Caesarean section have just gone down in flames. Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg has informed the LA Times that Breaking Dawn‘s gory birthing scene will happen off-screen. Seltzer and Friedberg wouldn’t pussy out like that.

On the fan site, on Facebook, all the comments are "It has to be R rated! You have to show the childbirth! Gore and guts and sex!" For me it’s actually more interesting to not see it. You know, you can do childbirth without seeing childbirth … it doesn’t mean it’s any less evocative of an experience.

Yes, you can do childbirth without seeing childbirth. But when that childbirth features an accelerated pregnancy that kills the host from the inside out, causing a f*cking vampire to eat his way through the mother’s stomach in order to deliver the baby, which can run around and has complete awareness, you’d better show the childbirth. But whatever. I’m not a screenwriter. If you’re not going to show the delivery, don’t even THINK of making us sit through the boring lamaze class scene. Those are always the same.

In news that doesn’t really come as a surprise, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn will be pressed against the kitchen counter and split into two parts like those popsicles that are double-popsicles (you know the ones). This move has been speculated for some time but was officially announced by Summit today, now that the contract negotiations have finalized.

Bill Condon will direct the final chapters of the series back-to-back with the first seeing release in November 2011 and the second installment premiering some time in 2012. This decision is obviously cash-fueled and so typical of Hollywood. It shows a blatant disrespect to Edward and Bella and Werewolf Guy and red-haired vampire. Shameful. **logs on to eTrade and buys shares in Summit**

CHECK OUT SUMMIT’S PRESS RELEASE AFTER THE JUMP…

SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT ANNOUNCES
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN
TO BE RELEASED AS TWO SEPARATE FILMS

First Film to Arrive in Theatres November 18, 2011

Los Angeles, CA, June 10, 2010 – Summit Entertainment confirmed today that THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN will be released as two separate films with the first of the two slated to be released in theatres on November 18, 2011.  Academy Award® winner Bill Condon will direct both films starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner along with Billy Burke as Charlie Swan as well as returning members of the Cullen Family including Peter Facinelli as Carlisle, Elizabeth Reaser as Esme, Jackson Rathbone as Jasper, Nikki Reed as Rosalie, Ashley Greene as Alice and Kellan Lutz as Emmett.

The project, based on the fourth novel in author Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series, is currently being written by Melissa Rosenberg with Wyck Godfrey, Karen Rosenfelt and Stephenie Meyer producing.  The TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN will start production in the Fall.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN illuminates the secrets and mysteries of this spellbinding romantic epic that has entranced millions.

The third film in the franchise, THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE is due in theaters on June 30, 2010.

_Official.

We’ve got official coming out of our asses today. So much official I decided to compile it all into one officially official post. Wookie, cue the official music! **Cue Salt n’ Pepa**

• Kick-Ass director Matthew Vaughn is officially directing X-Men: First Class and 20th Century Fox has officially set a June 3rd, 2011 release date. The film will center on Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr before they took the names Professor X and Magneto, and they were just two young men discovering their powers for the first time. And chillin’. 
• Breaking Dawn, the final (yaaay!) film in the The Twilight Saga, has nabbed the official release date of November 18, 2011. It’s recommended that Twi-Hards starting lining up at theaters after band practice and their orthodontist appointments today. 
• A favorite film at Sundance this year, Cyrus, will officially open in select theaters on June 18, 2010. Jonah Hill will face off against himself, as Get Him to the Greek also opens that same day. Can theaters safely contain that much Jonah?

Whew. Now THAT’S official, yo. (/Film,/Film,/Film)