Parasites, terrorism, beauty pageants, cat suits, and child actors. Tonight’s TV viewing options sum up Florida perfectly.

FIND OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

50 CUTEST CHILD STARS: ALL GROWN UP
Network: E!
Time: 8-10PM

Reasons to watch: E! catches up with 50 adorable child stars to see where they’re at now in life. I didn’t realize that it was so easy to bring camera crews into the prison system.

I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW
Network: ABC
Time: 9-10PM

Reasons to watch: Tonight the contestants dress like cats for a milk relay race and kick balloons with a giant shoe. Every time I read about this show I think of Japan as a magical place filled with wonder. Then I stop and remember it is also filled with those Grudge ghosts. No thanks Japan. I don’t need to vomit up fingernails anytime soon.

MONSTERS INSIDE ME
Network: ANIMAL
Time: 9-10PM

Reasons to watch: Tales of parasitic infections in Florida. In all fairness, you’re not an official Floridian if you don’t have parasites inside you.

MICHAEL & MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES
Network: COMEDY CENTRAL
Time: 10:30-11PM

Reasons to watch: Michael and Michael try to set Marla up on a date. Who better to speak the language of love than two bickering man-children?

WIDE ANGLE
Network: PBS
Time: 10-11PM

Reasons to watch: An Arab-Israeli teen enters the Miss Israel pageant and comes into conflict with her conservative elders in the Druze religion. Tensions get to the point that they would rather see her dead than dishonor the community. Only Donald Trump can save her now.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN
Amy Adams, Tom Dreesen, Elbow

CONAN
Rainn Wilson, Rachel Maddow

KIMMEL
Jonah Hill, Ryan Sheckler, The Sounds

FERGUSON
Rodney Carrington
 
FALLON
Leslie Mann, Michael Lang, Passion Pit

A hard decision, social experiments, celebrity garage sales, and a double dose of Diddy. Here’s your guide to be what’s on TV tonight.

FIND OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

THE BACHELORETTE FINALE
Network: ABC
Time: 8pm

Reasons to watch: Tonight on the season finale of The Bachelorette, Jillian must choose between Ed and Kiptyn. The choice will be difficult. On the one hand, Ed had trouble rising to the occasion when he and Jillian had some "alone time" (read: f*cking). And on the other hand, the other guy’s name is Kiptyn which sounds like what you might name a fruity Superman villain.

DATING IN THE DARK
Network: ABC
Time: 9-10pm

Reasons to watch: To prove the point that love is blind (unless you’re hot) champions of good taste ABC are airing another episode of the Cimmerian matchmaking show Dating in the Dark. What is this doing on ABC? Seems more like the type of show that would be on FOX. Wait, no. If it were on FOX the contestants would be literally blind. And the room would be filled with fly paper and bear traps. And probably bears too.

CSI: MIAMI
Network: CBS
Time: 9-10pm

Reasons to watch: I worked on a shoot with Diddy once and he stopped production mid-take because he wasn’t sure if his sunglasses looked cool enough. The cast and crew waited patiently for 45 minutes while he alternated between two pairs of seemingly identical glasses before deciding to go with the pair he was wearing originally. With that in mind, I have a sinking suspicion that the episode of CSI: Miami he guest stars on tonight took seven weeks to film.

PAWN STARS
Network: History Channel
Time: 11:30pm-12am

Reasons to watch: On tonight’s episode the guys attempt to sell a guitar owned by actor Robert Duvall. It is one lucky fan’s chance to own a piece of meaningless history.

MAKING HIS BAND
Network: MTV
Time: 10-11pm

Reasons to watch: In the season premiere, hip-hop leprechaun Diddy auditions musicians to be the backing band for his upcoming FINAL tour. Competition will be grueling as he expects only the best. THIS TOUR MUST BE HISTORIC. After all, a rapper only gets the opportunity to retire seven or eight times in their career.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN
Dave Matthews

CONAN
Judd Apatow, Meryl Streep

KIMMEL (repeat)
Samuel L. Jackson, Jamie Lynn Sigler

FERGUSON
Chelsea Handler, Richard Wolffe

FALLON
Holly Hunter, Mark Selliger, Spinal Tap

Yo, yo, yo Junkies! Welcome to Tuesday’s edition of What To Watch Tonight. We’ve combed the listings once more to give you our best offerings. In addition to the All-Star Game (to which we paid solemn tribute) there’s a lot of options tonight. Essentially Roadhouse or a furry orgy. You’ve got some tough calls to make. Are you really going to foresake Patrick Swayze??

FIND OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP…

ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC

BETTER OFF TED
Network: ABC
Time: 9 – 9:30PM
Reason to watch: In a night full of repeats, this is the only new scripted program on the air. Legal troubles stemming from a perfume that attracts angry hornets cause larger problems within the company dynamic. Reminds me of the time that I went outside covered in fish oil and all the neighborhood cats chased me into a lake.

MLB ALL-STAR GAME: FROM ST. LOUIS
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 11PM (but set your DVRs until 6am in case)

ECW
Network: Syfy
Time: 10 – 11PM
Reason to watch: I don’t really know much about the ECW or their policies on foreign objects but I DO know that I wouldn’t get into that ring without a suit of armor and a gatlin gun.

1000 WAYS TO DIE
Network: Spike
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reason to watch: This is essentially Final Destination: The Series. Though the show re-enacts several gruesome real-life deaths, tonight’s episode also features a particulary bizarre death. While wandering through the desert and halucinating on mushrooms, a man comes across a group of furries engaged in sexual encounters around a campfire. He tries to join in ’cause hey, an orgy is an orgy. The furries rebuff his attempts. He then stumbles upon a nearby brown bear and believes it to be a person in costume. I believe he got to third base by the time the bear mauled him to death.

WHO’S ON LATE NIGHT?

DAILY SHOW W/ JON STEWART
Peter Mancall, author of "Fatal Journey: The Final Expedition of Henry Hudson"

COLBERT
Liberian peace activist Leymah Gbowee

CONAN
Michael Phelps, Sugar Ray

LETTERMAN
Edie Falco, Michael Showalter, Wilco with Feist

KIMMEL
Samuel L. Jackson and Jamie Lynn-Sigler

FERGUSON
John Larroquette and Minka Kelly

FALLON
Seann William Scott, Keyshawn Johnson, Daniel Merriweather

Okay fight fans! Tonight’s recommended viewings all linger around the theme on fighting for survival in one way or another. So why not watch with a friend? And then why not punch them upside when they’re not looking. I think you’ll both get a pretty good laugh out of it.

FIND OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP…

ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

MLB ALL-STAR HOME RUN DERBY
Network: ESPN
When: 8-10PM
Why to Watch: Because now that no one is using steroids and the game is pure again, people can go back to marveling at well placed doubles and the occasional bunt.  If I put my money on any of the bats pictured above, I’m taking Old Hickory, unless "Corky" shows up.

HARD TIME
Network: National Geographic Channel
Time: 8 – 9PM

Why to Watch It: Crack open a bag of your favorite toilet wine and chillax with the all-new series Hard Time. In the opener, we are introduced to prisoners and officers in the Georgia prison system. Finally, an up close and personal look at prison life without all the rudeness of stabbings and shower room beatdowns.

ROCKY BALBOA
Network: FX
Time: 8 – 10:30PM

Why to Watch It: Tonight! Check out the first film in Sylvester Stallone’s unnecessary sequel train. Rocky Balboa tells the tale of the iconic boxer’s return from retirement for one last bout. Not sure if Stallone intends to dust off the gloves again for another chapter but by the time he gets to it, he’ll totally be fighting a robot.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW
Network: USA
Time: 9 – 11:05PM

Why to Watch It: A surprise guest host is selected by Mr. McMahon. Please let it be Mark Summers. I really hope it’s Mark Summers.

ALIEN VS PREDATOR: REQUIEM
Network: HBO
Time: 10:30PM – Midnight

Why to Watch It: For all those who called bullsh*t at or lost money on the outcome of the original Aliens vs. Predator, this film is for you.

WHO’S ON LATE NIGHT?

DAILY SHOW W/ JON STEWART
Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank

COLBERT
New York Times columnis Paul Krugman; veteran’s activist Paul Rieckhoff

CONAN
Bill Engvall

LETTERMAN
Jonah Hill and Kelly Clarkson

FERGUSON
Selma Blair, Connie Schultz

FALLON
Dylan McDermott and Wendy Williams

KIMMEL (Repeat)
Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher

This weekend we’re certain you’ll be catching Brüno at least once.  (If you’re not convinced of its worthiness, read Andy Rooney’s review here.)  There’s also I Love You, Beth Cooper, which looks good and grating, other than Hayden Panettiere‘s involvement.  But if you just feel like staying in, or you physically can’t get outside because of obesity issues or allergies, we’ve got a cornucopia of televised delicacies for your discerning palate.  And none of them are cooking shows.

FIND OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP…

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!!

FRIDAY JULY 10th 2009

SATURDAY JULY 11th 2009

^{Above: Landon Donovan’s failed attempt at a 69-themed goal celebration.}

SUNDAY JULY 12th 2009

Meteor Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos 

Alright Junkies, we’re halfway through the week. You did it. You’re a champ. Why not reward yourself by relaxing by the soft, cathode flicker of your television whilst sipping the finest of boxed wines? We’ve got some pretty great suggestions for tonight but felt it necessary to point out a strange programming phenomenon that is also taking place. While combing the listings we noticed programs called "15 and Pregnant", "16 and Pregnant" and "Obese and Pregnant" are all airing at some point across three different channels. Who’s getting all these teenagers and morbidly obese women pregnant? I want an APB on Tracy Morgan immediately.

See what to watch after the jump…

 NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

BIOGRAPHY: HULK HOGAN & ANDRE THE GIANT
Network: Biography
When: 8 – 10PM

Why to Watch It: Biography has you covered tonight so get settled in and ignore the fact that you’re watching half naked men. First at 8pm, we get to see the life-story of everyone’s favorite good guy wrestler Hulk Hogan. Perhaps you’ll learn something new about the star of Santa with Muscles. And then at 9pm, we get to see the life-story of everyone’s favorite over-sized wrestler Andre the Giant. Sadly he was taken from us before ever having the chance to depict Santa.

Why to Watch It: Then we get an exclusive look behind-the-scenes of another kind of champion — the competitive eater. Watch as the Horsemen of the Esophagus hit up the Big Easy for the 2009 Acme World Oyster Eating Contest. Man, I could really go for some brine right about now.

MONSTERQUEST
Network: History Channel
When: 8 – 10 PM

Why to Watch It: Giant Bear Attacks and Sasquatch are the focus of these back-to-back ‘sodes. If only we could see Sasquatch fight a giant bear for real. Why hasn’t science made this happen yet?!

I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW
Network: ABC
When: 9 – 10PM

 Why to Watch It: The video above mentions briefly that the contestants survived a monkey restaurant. That is to say, it’s a restaurant owned and operated by monkeys. Not a restaurant that serves monkey. Man, I would be the happiest guy on Earth if I could have a monkey waiter bring me some crab rangoons while I watch Sasquatch and a Giant Bear take one another on in a cage match.

UFC FIGHT NIGHT
Network: Spike
When: 10PM – Midnight

Why to Watch It: Scheduled: Nate Diaz vs. Josh Neer, Clay Guida vs. Mac Danzig, Houston Alexander vs. Eric Shafer, Ed Herman vs. Alan Belcher, Sasquatch vs. Giant Bear

WHO’S ON LATE:

Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart (NEW): Robert Kenner, director of  Food Inc.

Conan (NEW): Meredith Vieira, Andy Hillstrand

Letterman (NEW): Queen Latifah, Emma Watson

Ferguson (NEW): Julie Chen, Michael Ian Black, Will Dailey

Colbert (NEW):  Ed Viesturs, mountain climber

Kimmel (Repeat): Dane Cook

Fallon (Repeat): Kelly Ripa, Mark Paul-Gosselaar

Alright, it’s that time of day again for us to provide a handy guide of tonight’s worthwhile television offerings you need to watch. Of course, that’s assuming that you’re not worn out from watching Michael’s all-day memorial. No pressure but if you feel so inclined to turn down "Beat It" for a few hours.  We got your back.

See what to watch after the jump:

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

Why to Watch It: The six remaining teams compete in a lagoon swim. In other words, Ali Landry and Joanna Krupa will be wearing bikinis. And there’s always a chance that Krupa will cuss out T.O. some more in that sexy accent of hers.

MAN CAVES
Network: DIY
When: 9 – 9:30PM

Why to Watch It: A dentist converts his laundry room into a vintage Vegas-themed hangout. I can see the guy’s wife now, a full laundry basket in her hand and a confused look on her face. “Honey, what happened to our laundry room? And why is Don Rickles in there??? And what’s a gunt????”

SOUTH PARK: “FAT CAMP” (RERUN)
Network: Comedy Central
When: 9:30 – 10PM

Why to Watch It: This is a classic episode of "South Park" with several hilarious moments.. After being shipped off to Fat Camp, Cartman makes the most of his imprisonment by selling candy bars and sweets to his fellow campers at ridiculously inflated prices. WARNING: If you often cry while eating, this episode may hit a little too close to home.

RESCUE ME “WHEELS”
Network: F/X
When: 10 – 11PM

Why to Watch It: Denis Leary and the boys plan an outing for children from the cancer ward. It just occurred to me that this would make an AWESOME reality show. It’s a good thing that the name Survivor is alread taken because… you know… false hope and all.

Z ROCK
Network: IFC
When: 10 – 10:30PM

Why to Watch It: This show follows the misadventures of a washed up rock band that has to play children’s parties to make ends meet. Tonight’s episode guest stars Daryl Hall as well as Dave Navarro of Jane’s Addiction and putting-his-penis-in-hot-girls fame.

Why to Watch It: Though the movie didn’t do as well as expected at the box office, Robert Rodriguez‘s Planet Terror is still Grade-A entertainment. In one standout scene, a stripper with a machine gun leg takes on a horde of interstellar zombies in an explosive and gory melée. I know, it’s like they filmed Sam Raimi’s bachelor party.

WHO’S ON LATE:

Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart (NEW): Neurologist Oliver Sacks, author of “Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain”

Conan (NEW): Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Connolly, Adam Bird

Letterman (NEW): Sacha Baron Cohen, Joel McHale, Rob Thomas

Colbert (NEW):  Lee Seigel, author of “Against The Machine Being Human in the Age of the Electric Mob”

Kimmel (Repeat): Kathy Griffin, Ramon Rodriguez, Ben Harper

Fallon (Repeat): Anne Hathaway, Will Forte, Jon Favreau, Mario Batali

Ferguson (NEW): Evan Rachel Wood, Christopher Gorham

– PATRICK SCHUMACKER and MATT SEARS