In case we had forgotten about the types of people we’re dealing with at Paddy’s, the cold open reminds us in short order. We begin with Dee and Charlie on the phone, ordering a pit bull intended to bite people so that patrons may leave Paddy’s with a “great story.” Naturally, this marketing tool is met with skepticism by Dennis, who quickly abandons any effort to dissuade them, eventually just stating, “I DON’T understand.”

Well, he won’t need to, because that storyline is quickly dropped as Frank walks in, sucking face with a whore. Andddddddd, we’re off with our A-story. Frank declares, after pounding two shots of Jameson, “I’m gonna make that whore my wife.”

Sunny certainly has a way with making despicable characters uniquely despicable, and Frank’s whore Roxy is no exception. While she may appear to be your run-of-the-mill drunk whore, she has a language all alone, often referring to people in her presence with colorful phallic imagery, such as “cocks” or “dicks.” Frank wants her to stop banging other dudes (including, apparently, Tiger Woods), and the only way that’s going to happen is if he takes the plunge.

The gang eventually decides that they need to go all Pretty Woman on Roxy and clean her up a bit. But not quite yet, because Mac comes strutting in plus his 50 pounds of “bulk” (fat), eating a chimichanga, and his new carriage doesn’t not escape the group’s notice.

Dennis ascertains that with Frank’s devotion to a whore and a Mac’s gluttony, the gang has lost their way. He decides to help Mac restore his form and health of earlier days, while Dee is tasked with turning Roxy into less of a disgusting whore. While Frank and Charlie are doing whatever it is Frank and Charlie do (boiling found denim from under a bridge), they decide to try and find Frank a woman who will love him for who he is. Tall order.

Dee quickly gets the impression that, despite the rough façade, Roxy may be living a glamorous life, as she is able to stand up to snotty boutique salespeople by flashing a wad of cash in their face. No sooner does Dee start fawning than Roxy has to go meet a client, Mr. Tiger Woods. But not before she has to dig some crack rocks out of her ass.

While Dee tries to determine what the hell is going on with this semi-glamorous whore, we get to revisit a never-fail gag Sunny gag: Charlie incognito. He’s back in character as the Texas oilman, which we haven’t seen since season 4’s transcendental “The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis,” while Frank is a limo driver hoping to benefit from a bait-and-switch with a kind lady who has no idea what she’s in for.

As Charlie’s plan is to bow out gracefully to Frank with “a touch of consumption,” he oversells the ailment a bit by projectile vomiting mercilessly on the unsuspecting women for what felt like a good 70 or 80 minutes. She doesn’t stick around to be consoled, and we’re left with a sight gag that is over-the-top (and hilarious) even by Sunny standards.

One downside to the approach the premiere has taken is that very little humor is drawn for the minds and personalities of the characters. While sight gags abound, the characters seem to take break from being themselves. Sure, Mac is still oblivious, Dennis vain, and Charlie enthusiastic and misguided, but the characters seem to be more conduits for physical humor than the folks we’ve spent the last seven or so years with. However, after last year’s flat “Mac Fights Gay Marriage,” perhaps they felt inclined to lead with a more surefire approach. It works for an episode, but let’s hope they get back to the paradigm that takes the show from good to great.

In the final act, bows are placed on the three duo’s storylines as Dee learns that Roxy’s life is every bit as awful as one would assume, but doesn’t pass up an offer to make $500 from a foot fetishist, beginning her transformation to sassy hooker-woman. Dennis embraces Mac’s devil-may-care attitude, gorging on chimichangas until he decides that what he really wants is some crack, which he can get from Roxy. Frank goes through with his proposal, only to watch Roxy die in response to his question. The gang lays her in the hall, makes an anonymous 911 call, and we realize that Frank was right; people don’t really change.

Dead hookers, projectile vomiting, and a grossly fat Mac. Yup, it’s a new season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

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As we begin, Ryan has stopped smoking pot, found a date via an online dating service, and is now trying to tidy up the house. This causes Wilfred some anxiety, since all the hair he left on the basement floor is now missing. Things only gets worse when the vacuum is brought out.

Later, during a trip to the park for a Yoga class, Wilfred stops for a moment to enjoy the bouquet of smells available to him.

Meanwhile, while talking to his sister, Ryan notices a strange man who seems to be watching his every move. Later, the man in question, Bruce (Dwight Yoakam), makes contact with Ryan again, claiming that he is also able to hear Wilfred’s speech. Apparently, he and Wilfred used to have a similar friendship, until Wilfred eventually ruined his life by poking holes in his condoms.

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The show began with a similar shot in the back of a refrigerated truck. In fact, for a moment I thought I was watching a rerun. But soon enough, I realized that Mike was nowhere to be found, and two hired goons has taken his place. That’s lucky for Mike.

As expected, the cartel attacks the truck, killing the driver. But unlike their previous attempt, they weren’t taking any chances. Rather than opening the doors and risking a bullet to the face, the henchmen decided to reroute the truck’s exhaust into the trailer, lock the doors, and wait for anyone inside to expire.

And despite the fact that they had no trouble wasting the driver, the cartel thugs weren’t about to let the driver’s lunch go to waste.

Wilfred: “Said the man to the dog.”

That pretty much sums up last night’s episode of Wilfred, which deals with the root of Ryan’s “mental problems.” True, there were two episodes last night, but I’m gif recapping “Compassion.” Why? Because that’s the one I watched.

The episode begins as it usually does, with Jenna having to leave Wilfred with Ryan for some contrived reason or another. Even Ryan remarks that she sure does travel a lot. This week, she’s going to Vegas to try and patch things up with her boyfriend. Wilfred is unhappy at the prospect of being alone, especially since he’s been forced to wear a cone because he won’t stop biting at his “hot spot.”

Meanwhile, Ryan has received a call from a mental institution in Ojai, CA, where his mother, Catherine, is a resident. Apparently, she was checked into the facility for observation, but decided to stay for 20 years, a fact that still haunts Ryan. Wilfred is also unimpressed with the prospect of meeting Ryan’s mom because he has a problem with menopausal women. He’d much rather run around and threaten to kill ducks.

Once inside, Ryan discovers that his mom, played by Mary Steenburgen, wishes to transition back into the society, and needs a place to stay. At first, Ryan and Wilfred are both reluctant, but once Catherine is able to sooth Wilfred’s hot spot, the dog convinces his master to bring her home.

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That’s not to say that last night’s episode was bad or devoid of story. And I’m not suggesting that the show should insert violence for violence’s sake. I’m just saying that is was relatively calm for a show about drug dealers.

Jesse Pinkman

Things are not going well for Jesse Pinkman. At work, he assures Walt that everything is going fine, and even suggests that the two hit up the Go Kart track to let off some steam. When Walt declines, Jesse goes alone, but doesn’t seem to enjoy himself all that much, unless, of course, you feel that driving around a track while screaming in rage is enjoyable.

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As has been the case from day one, Ryan is still infatuated with Jenna. When the episode begins, he is admiring her from afar while she sunbathes in her yard. His creepy leering is interrupted by the entrance of Drew, Jenna’s meathead boyfriend from Wisconsin. As Wilfred is quick to point out, Drew carries Jenna off “like a Viking on a rape quest.”

While Ryan may not like the fact that Jenna is dating Drew, it’s Wilfred who seems the most upset. As such, he constantly hounds (get it) Ryan about getting Drew out of the picture, going as far as to Skype Ryan while Drew and Jenna are having sex with the hope that it will make him jealous.

But as you’ll see in the following Gif Recap, that peace was quickly shattered, and we learned just how troubled Walt, Mike, and Jesse really are. For example, Walt has become completely paranoid, and chastises his wife for leaving mundane phone messages involving completely legal business plans. Not to mention the fact that he is now packing an unregistered handgun, and has taken to practicing his draw. Clearly Gus has gotten inside his head.

Jesse, on the other hand, is retreating from the real world. He’s using his ill-gotten gains to make useless purchases, filling his home with over-the-top stereo equipment and robot vacuums. I’m not exactly an expert in the field of psychology, but I think it’s going to take more than just a Roomba to help Jesse forget that he murdered a man in cold blood.

And then there’s Mike. He’s dealing with things the same way he seems to have been dealing with them for years: sitting at a shithole bar and drinking alone.

The season premiere of Breaking Bad begins with our old friend and meth-lab assistant Gale Boetticher wielding a box cutter. Given the season 3 finale, which saw Jesse shooting(?) Gale in cold blood, we can immediately assume we are witnessing a flash back to a happier time…a time when Gale still had the back of his skull intact.

During the course of the flashback, Gale gleefully sets up his new lab. He looks like a kid in a candy store, and boasts about how the equipment would be at home with any of the larger pharmaceutical companies. But when the topic turns to Walter White‘s meth, the boasting comes to a halt, and Gale humbly admits to Gus that his own product is nowhere near the purity of their competitor’s. The admission seems almost pathetic, considering we know that Gale has just inadvertently signed his own death warrant.

Flash forward to the present day. Jesse has just shot Gale in the face, and concerned neighbors are milling about outside the apartment, waiting for police to arrive. Victor arrives instead, and confirms that his employer’s scientist has been killed.

Yes, Amnesia Eric is drunk as a skunk.  He zips around at vampire speed, pinches Sookie’s butt and runs off into the sun after attempting to bite her.

Very interesting to note that even wasted, Eric says he’ll never hurt her.  After attempting to find Eric and failing, Sookie calls in her knight in shining…um…silver fur?   It’s Alcide to the rescue.

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So, let me pause a moment here.  Is anyone else feeling like this season’s official poster is wildly accurate?  Sookie is all about flirting with all her admirers…equally.  Not sure how I’m feeling about that.  Nothing wrong with it, but it’s making her seem a bit wishy washy.  I mean, I get how mind-numbingly hot these three men are, but she just seems to be floating through it.  Please let me know your feelings in the comments.

After Pam dresses down King Bill after being grilled about where Eric is, we head over to Hotshot for one of the most disturbing story lines ever.

Poor Jason is still tied to the bed and he’s being raped by woman after woman.  The one he shoves off says that her brother/husband…brother, husband!…just bites her on the back of the neck and holds her down until it’s over when he screws her.  She cries and says Jason is the best she’s ever had and yells, ”next.”  Then they send in a little girl.  Jason convinces her to let him go and she does.  But…I have to say this here.  I was more than a little disturbed by my own (and my viewing companions’) reaction to this scene.  It’s awful.  It’s gross.  I’m also fully aware that if it was a woman in that same situation, I’d be even more horrified.  I really hope the writers let Jason experience the aftermath of mass rape the way they would with a female character.  Please weigh in below.  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Over at Castle Bill, Nan is trying to find out what happened to Eric.  We see exactly how hardcore Nan is here as she dismisses Salem as a bunch of puritans who needed to get laid.  The real info here though is about a massacre that happened 400 years ago in Spain “by a single witch with a reason to hate vampires.”  She says that necromancers aren’t they same as they used to be.  I’m wondering if she was involved.  In fact, I’m wondering why she’s so single minded.  I’m dying to find out her history.

In Marnie’s store, she’s deep in a dream…of the Spanish Massacre.  A powerful witch is being burned at the stake while clergy joke about how to torture her.  Marnie witnesses the entire thing and learns a chant from the witch…who is the woman possessing her.  Uh oh.  Powerful witch with a “reason to hate vampire” possessing a powerful witch in the present.  I’m sure we’re going to get more info on this one.  Did anyone else notice the hooded figure?  Vampire?  And can anyone figure out what the chant translates too?

Where to begin. Oh, right! With a grown man in a dog costume wiping his ass on the rug.

In an attempt to get Wilfred to stop wiping has ass on everything, Ryan buys a squirt gun to use as punishment. Although Wilfred hates being squirted, he continues his bad behavior, citing the fact that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Meanwhile, Ryan’s sister has sprained her ankle, forcing him to take care of her. This means Wilfred will have to start going to doggie daycare. Ed Helms guest stars in the role he was born to play: a creepy doggie daycare owner who rubs peanut butter on his crotch for dogs to lick off.

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Sookie, sitting in her car, has no idea why the shirtless Eric is playing games with her. When he tries to attack her, she flees the car, punches him in the face (woohoo!) and says, ‘I am not your f*cking dinner!”  And this is why we love Sookie.

Eric, after explaining that he has no idea who he is, starts speaking in the same language that Marnie cursed him in.  (Anyone know if that is the language from his homeland?  I suspect it is.)  He remembers flashes of Marnie, her alter ego and the witches stripping his memory. Sookie agrees to help him with his little issue (and really, how could you resist that lost puppy thing he has going on?) but sets the ground rules.  No touching, no biting.  Yeah, cause that is going to stick.

Back at the Goddess Emporium, everyone fusses over Marnie and her vampire bite, which, she says, ”hurt.”  Duh.  (I believe ”duh” was her subtext.)  Tara (still loving her this season since she’s not running around like a chicken with its head cut off and howling) and Lafayette argue about who’s sh*t is more freaked out.  When someone suggests they call the police, Lafayette states the real reason everyone is on edge in the town.  There is really nothing anyone can do to stop the vampires. Not a damn thing.  They can take out cops, they can kill you in a second.  Really, what Marnie did is the only thing that might be effective.  Now, while the witches try to make this into a religious war, Marnie says something that I bet a lot of people will miss.  ”He came in here, uninvited.”  Well, that’s not entirely true, crazy Marnie.  His Grace King Bill’s little sex toy/mole did.  Hmm…

Over in Hotshot (is this anyone else’s least favorite storyline?) poor chewed up Jason is still chained to the bed while creepy daddy/uncle/brother or something talks about the first were-panthers, Ghost Mama and Ghost Daddy.  (Remember last week, we got some info on the mythology of Luna’s people about shape shifters?  There may be a quiz in your future.)  It seems that the sky people (assuming that means the people of the big three religions) turned people away from nature.  Ghost Mama and Ghost Daddy spoke to the panther and said they didn’t want any part in that.  The giant kitty ate them, let them soak up his magic (is that the same as stomach acid?) and barfed them out.  Voila!  Were-panthers.  Back in Jason’s room, Crystal swears that she’s not going to let him die once he turns and points out how ”purty” he is to her sister/cousin/creepy child.

Cut to a terrible YouTube video made by a bunch of kids, trying to convince America that vampires are a real threat.  Ya think?  They have a website full of them at vamps-kill.com, which of course is a real viral site.  Check it out if you need some bad acting.

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Speaking of fear, that’s also the title of this week’s episode. Specifically, it refers to Ryan’s fear of his motorcycle-riding neighbor, Spencer (Ethan Suplee). In the first episode, Ryan and Wilfred broke into Spencer’s home, stole his weed, and crapped in his boots. Now Ryan fears Spencer is on to him. He also suspects Spencer of vandalizing the home of an Indian couple down the street.

Disgusted by all of Ryan’s fear, Wilfred encourages him to stand up for himself against the bully. He also encourages him to show his dominance by means of anal rape. This doesn’t go over too well with Ryan, who just wants to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately that option is off the table, since Wilfred admits to having left Ryan’s wallet at the scene of the crime.

Rather than being forced to face his fears, Ryan lies his way out of the confrontation by claiming he was also a victim of the robbers, and they must have dropped his wallet at Spencer’s. The plan seems to work, but backfires when Spencer takes a liking to Ryan, and insists that the two spend time bonding over beer and Internet porn. After all, there’s nothing cooler than two guys getting “rock hard” together.

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We start off with Jason, tied up on a bed.  If you recall last week’s episode, our hunky cop was trying to take care of the people of Hotshot while Crystal was away and got knocked into a cooler with some rotting lettuce heads.  When he wakes, his head wound is being licked by one of the kids.  Puppies can be so cute!  They try to free him, but in walks Crystal’s disgusting excuse for a boyfriend, threatening his life.  If only she were here…

”Your blood tastes like freedom, Sookie.  Like sunshine in a pretty blond bottle.”  This may be the line of the night.  Eric, who showed up in Sookie’s room last week while she was naked and told her how wonderful it is when reality matches your imagination explains that he owns her house and she can’t kick him out.  Sookie’s blood, if you remember, allows vampires to go into the sunlight without ending up looking like one of those overcooked potato chips that find their way to the bottom of every bag.  Eric wants to claim Sookie as his so no one can hurt her.  She’s not too thrilled having just been through that with King Bill.  Eric explains that there are two Sookies.  One thinks she’s just human and the other is beginning to realize that she’s better than that.  She counters with that, when she does, does Eric think her legs are going to magically open for him?  Saucy.   He leaves, promising to fix her broken door.

King Bill gets some information about Marnie raising a dead bird from his little mole/witch, who has clearly been giving him more than just info.  He decides to use her as a human Slurpie.  One wonders if witches taste different like fairies do.

Meanwhile at Fangtasia, Pam, Hoyt and Jessica are facing a group of Light of Day protesters.  Hoyt goes to defend his fanged lady.  Pam tries to stop them from bothering the people using their ”constitutional rights to be f*cking idiots” when Hoyt smacks one of them in the kisser for calling Jessica a fanged whore.  Pam has to restrain Jessica while Hoyt gets the bejezzus kicked out of him, saying,  ”Technology has taken all the fun out of being a vampire.”  The AVL wouldn’t be happy to hear that someone got a vampire attack on video, you know.

In the woods, naked Sam and naked Luna (that happene faster this week, didn’t it?) flirt after running around as horses.  Sam tries to move in for a kiss after asking to hear more about her, but it seems Luna has a secret.  She gallops off without saying what it is.

Sookie used to be able to head over to Bill’s house without a problem.  When she tries that nowadays, she’s stopped by armed guards.  And no, it’s not because he’s busy having sex with a witch in his bedroom, which he is.  It’s because he’s now the King of Louisana.  His house reflects the change.  It’s all extra fancy now, with bear skin rugs and a fireplace.  When she walks into the bedroom, Katerina is still putting her clothes back on.  Bill introduces her as ”part of his security” and then kicks her out.  Classy.

Over at Jesus and Layfayette’s house, the talk is all about that not-dead bird.  Jesus doesn’t believe it’s black magic because he doesn’t think it exists.  Um, Jesus, you live in Bon Temps.  I really don’t think it’s safe to think anything doesn’t exist.  You just saw a dead bird fly around a room.  Really, he’s just blaming the bad witches for using magic for bad purposes and says that Lafayette is all light.  I love this couple and I can’t say that enough.  But if Jesus really loves Lafayette, he’ll make him cut off that rat-tail.

Back at the king’s mansion, Sookie asks for Bill’s help keeping Eric away.  She starts to ask him about how he became king, but before he can answer, she reconsiders, saying that every time she found out something about him when they were together, she ended up wishing she didn’t know it.  We flash back to London in the eighties.  Bill is in a punk club discussing the hated Prime Minister Thatcher with a bartender.  Aw, eighties Bill almost makes me miss that decade.  Almost.

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We begin with Ryan relaxing in his back yard, cyber-stalking an ex-girlfriend on his iPad, when Wilfred comes crashing through the fence with an ax.

When confronted about his behavior, the dog turns the tables on Ryan, convincing him that his real anger stems from his inability to be happy in a relationship, and his habit of finding excuses to dump his girlfriends. Ryan dumped the girl from his iPad after she touched his ass without asking, claiming he would never be able to put a ring on her finger.

From there, the topic turns to matters of trust and loyalty. Wilfred claims that Ryan could never be as loyal as a dog. When Ryan protests, he is asked to put his money where his mouth is, proving his loyalty by taking his new friend to the beach. Despite his reluctance, Ryan concedes, and ends up with a $300 ticket. Wilfred, who is thrilled with the opportunity to kill pelicans and bother beach goers, thinks it is money well spent.

Once his anger over the ticket subsides, Ryan and Wilfred end up having a great day at Venice Beach. They check out girls, go for a bike ride, and even hit up one of the many medical marijuana dispensaries.

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Now, many of you may have seen the first 8 minutes of the season, since it’s been posted just about everywhere.  How many of you found your nose wrinkling and eyebrows lifting by the end, thinking things like, sure, we knew there were fairies at the end of last season, but wow, they live in a shiny place?  Wait…these are evil fairies that feed people fruit that glows.  Hold on, Sookie’s granddaddy Earl is that guy from Office Space?  “I’m going to have to go ahead and ask you to stay in the fairy realm and eat lumieres this Saturday.”  But hey, Stephen Root was on the show too.

Well, we’re certainly in for a change up this season.  Not only is Gary Cole living with the fairies, but Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter is a witch!  I’ll be recapping True Blood for you this summer, and as I’ve said in my earlier pieces, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section.  I read them all and I do respond.  So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let the blood bath begin.

Sookie and her fairy godmother Claudine (who really hasn’t helped very much…I mean, she’s been in mortal danger every other episode for years now) appear in the land of Fairy, where everyone is stunning and dresses like they’re sexy aliens in a episode of classic Star Trek.  Sookie runs into Barry the bellboy and fellow telepath with his male model/fairy godmother. They’re offered glowing fruit of light (sounds like something you’d eat in D&D for a +1 to health or something), which makes our fair lady nervous.  And suddenly she spies…granddaddy Earl, who thinks he’s been hanging with the pretty people for a few hours.  Well, it’s actually been 20 years, granddaddy.

When she tries to communicate telepathically to Earl that this is a big ole trap, Queen Mab (who you may remember from a certain Romeo and Juliet speech) shows up to blame Sookie for letting a vampire into their realm.  You see, fairy blood is like vampire crack and the bloodsuckers almost destroyed the entire fairy race.  You’d think they’d come out with True Blood: Fabulous Fairy Flavor.  They’d make a killing.  Anyway, now they’re harvesting humans and trying to close the portal between realms.  Sookie’s power turns Mab back into her…less moisturized form and transports them to some sort of desert.

Fairies may not be all that attractive when they’re not glamoured, but they can shoot glowing attack balls out of their hands.  One friendly fairy (the brother of Claudine, Sookie’s godmother…which makes him the very, very hot Claude from the books…not seeing it yet) helps Sookie and Earl escape, bringing them to the lip of a portal/canyon.  This is still looking like a Star Trek episode to me.  Anyone else?  While Mab blows balls of fire and starts to collapse the portal, Claude tells them that, only Sookie can go back because she’s on a no glowy fruit diet and he wants to be able to go back to the human world, which used to be theirs too.  They jump…

…and land in a graveyard.  Ah Earl.  We hardly got to make any Office Space jokes before you gave Sookie a watch for Jason and croaked!  But, we finally get to see Eric and Bill…for a second as they realize dessert, I mean Sookie, is back.

And how long has our time traveler been gone?  Remember what happens in Fairy?  Sookie comes home to find her house being repaired.  Jason (in cop clothes, but still hot) tells her she’s been gone thirteen months!  Everyone thought she was dead and her house is up for sale.  Jason doesn’t believe her fairytale (yes, I meant to do that) until she gives him the watch.  He tells her to keep her mouth shut because everyone will think she’s crazy if they learn the truth.  Yes, because a world with vampires and a town that was possessed by a maenad would totally think that fairies were super out there.

And then, at long last, the vampires show up.  Bill is all mopey about the fact that he couldn’t feel her for so long.  Also, everyone thought he killed her.  Eric (drool) shows up and tells Sookie that everyone else lost hope…everyone but him.  (Oh, please weigh in on whether or not you’re Team Eric, Bill or Alcide!)  He leaves, and Sheriff Andy shows up, pissed off that our lady’s disappearance cost him a safe town plaque.  Bill covers for her…anyone else notice that we’re half way in and no one’s gotten naked?  After a tearful goodbye, he leaves.  And we find out that Andy is using V!  Wait, what?

After reviewing, share your thoughts on the show in the comment section. Did you enjoy the absurd premise, or did it wear thin after getting over its initial inventiveness? I’ve never seen the Australian version. If you have, how doe the American version compare? Jason Gann plays the same role (Wilfred), so maybe it was Elijah Wood (Ryan) who rubbed you the wrong way. Feel free to speak openly, LOTR fans. I promise none of this will find its way back to Elijah.

The episode opens with Ryan crafting the perfect suicide note, or at least a draft he can be satisfied with before ending any and all opportunities to revise it. He’s like a tiny, clean-shaven Hemingway, concerned that every single word matters, as it’s a representation of him as a person. Then comes the pounding of the anxiety meds with a nice cough syrup chaser. Now all Ryan has to do is wait.

But the sweet relief of death never comes for Ryan. He only looks like a person who stayed up all night trying to kill themselves. A ring of the doorbell thwarts his attempts. His extremely attractive neighbor (Fiona Gubelmann) asks Ryan if he can watch her dog, Wilfred, while she’s off at work. We get our first introduction to a man in a dog suit, with a dot of black paint on his nose to complete the unsettling picture.

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The episode begins right where the previous one had left off. Ned’s bloody head is still being held aloft for all to see, and Yoren is doing his best to spare Arya the sight of it. He pulls her away, takes her in a back alley, and cuts off her hair. His plan is to disguise her as a boy, and take her north with the Night’s Watch “recruits.”

As it turns out, one of the men headed north is King Robert’s bastard blacksmith son who Ned discovered early on in the season. How many bastards are in this show?

If you’ve been wondering what Bran’s three-eyed raven dream was about, wonder no more. The raven has been pointing him to the family crypt, where he’s been seeing visions of his father. Anxious to see what is actually down there, he orders the captured wildling girl to carry him. They are confronted by an angry direwolf belonging to Rickon, the often absent and youngest of the Stark children. It turns out they both boys have been having the same dream, and once they are given the news of their father’s death, they realize why.

At King’s Landing, Joffrey is up to his old tricks, and by old tricks, I mean acting like a complete asshole. After cutting out a tavern musician’s tongue for insulting his mother, he forces Sansa to view her father’s severed head, promising to add her brother Robb’s to the collection.

The girl almost works up the courage to push her future husband off a wall, but unfortunately, The Hound steps in and prevents her from doing so. Even so, Joffrey’s days may be numbered. Because of his idiotic behavior (killing Ned), the Lannisters have lost their main bargaining chip with the Starks. As such, Tywin decides to send Tyrion to act as hand, in order to reign in the boy king.

Meanwhile, Robb has been declared King of the North by his men, who now feel no loyalty to the those who would sit on the Iron Throne. Lady Stark has other matters to attend to. She visits the captured Jaime Lannister, and bashes his head with a rock. He eventually confesses to the attempted murder of Bran, but refuses to divulge his motive.

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We begin with Varys paying another visit to poor Ned Stark, who is still stuck in a dungeon awaiting his fate. Although it’s hard to gauge the motives of a man with no balls, Varys seems to genuinely want to help Ned. His advice is to plead for mercy, and hope that Queen Cersei and the new king will grant him exile with the Night’s Watch. Ned isn’t trilled about the idea, but considers it, if only to spare the lives of his daughters.

Meanwhile, Robb and the men of Winterfell are marching south with the hope of rescuing Ned and the girls. However, to get where they are going, they must first cross the river controlled by Lord Frey, a man they trust so little that they kill any messenger ravens coming from his castle out of fear he may contact the Lannisters.

Because they fear he will take Robb prisoner, Lady Stark heads in to bargain with Frey, who she has known since she was a child. Speaking of children, Lord Frey seems to have a thing for young girls, since he’ taken one as his wife.

The bitter old man only agrees to let the Starks cross in exchange for marrying off his children. Robb is less than thrilled with the prospect of marrying one of the ugly Frey girls, but he has no choice.

Across the narrow sea, things aren’t going well for Khal Drogo. His cut from last week’s episode has become infected, and it is thought that he hasn’t much longer to live.

In a last-ditch effort to save her husband (and her role as Khaleesi), Dany brings in the “doctor” (a.k.a. witch) from last week’s show, who begins to perform a “blood magic” ceremony in which “the dead will dance.” This doesn’t go over well with the others, who generally discourage the dead from dancing in their camp. At any rate, the Khal’s horse is used in the ceremony, and eventually shipped off to the glue factory.

When some really strange sounds start coming from the Khal’s tent, one of his men gets fed up and heads in to kill the witch. When Dany tries to stop him, she is pushed to the ground. Jorah Mormont steps in to protect her, and although he is less skilled with a sword, his armor allows him to perform the obligatory head slice. Soon after, Dany is in labor, and apparently the only one who can deliver the child is the witch, which is probably a bad thing, since she’s busy conjuring the dead.

Of all the characters that could have died, safe money was on the Imp. After all, when you force a three-foot man onto the battle field, things are not going to end well. It seems Tyrion didn’t like his chances much either. He commandeers another man’s prostitute, tells her sad stories about his first love, and asks her to bang him like it’s his last night on earth.

But despite the odds, the halfman survives. At the beginning of the battle, he was accidentally knocked unconscious. When he awoke, it was over, and the Lannisters (with the help of the tribesmen) were victorious. Or so it seemed.

In fact, the Starks had tricked Tywin’s army, sending only 2000 men, and sending the other 18,000 to capture Jamie Lannister. With Jamie in custody, it would seem that Robb now has the bargaining power he needs to win the release of his father.

Although that may prove difficult, now that Ned Stark is without his head. After agreeing to confess to treason in exchange for his life and the lives of his family, Ned is double-crossed by King Joffrey, who went against the wishes of his mother and inner-circle. Both Sansa and Arya are in attendance for the beheading, although Arya is hiding in the crowd.

And with that, another week is behind us, and only one episode remains for this season. Already, some fans of the show are complaining about the fact that the main character has been killed off. To them I say, what the hell do you want HBO to do about it? It’s based on a book. If they let him live, the hardcore fans would mutiny. Somehow, I also don’t think George R. R. Martin would sit by and watch as his work is butchered just so Sean Bean could keep getting a paycheck. Besides, wouldn’t you rather watch a show where anything can happen? I’m sad to see the character go, but I appreciate the fact that I never saw it coming.

We begin with the aftermath of last week’s power play by the Lanisters, or should I say the failed power play by Ned Stark. Poor Ned has been thrown into the dungeon and branded a trader, a title that elicits little sympathy from others, with the possible exception of Varys the eunuch. In fact, “The Spider,” as he’s known, goes as far as to visit Ned in prison, bringing him water, and giving him information on what has happened to his family. Unfortunately for Ned, the news is all bad.

All of Ned’s men who were with him in King’s Landing have been butchered by the Lanisters. Ned’s daughter Sansa is being manipulated, pleading for her father’s life in exchange for help in convincing the other Starks not to attack. Arya, on the other hand, manages to escape, thanks to the help of her instructor Sirio. Using only a wooden sword, he holds off four well-armed Lanister men while Arya retreats. However, his sword is eventually cracked in half, and his fate remains a mystery.

Before Arya hits the road, she stops off to grab her sword. And when some fat kid threatens to take her to the queen, she ends up using it. While it was strange to watch a little kid stabbing another little kid in the stomach, I take solace in that fact that the kid on “the pointy end” of the sword was fat, which makes it OK.

When Jon Snow learns of his father’s fate, he’s understandably upset. Although sympathetic, the captain of the Night’s Watch warns him not to do anything stupid. Apparently, Jon wasn’t listening, because he immediately tries to stab Alliser Thorne over a disparaging remark. In the aftermath of the event, Snow is confined to quarters.

I guess when you’re in the Night’s Watch, “confined to quarters” means “go where ever the hell you want.” When Jon’s wolf starts freaking out, he follows it to the Captain’s room. Here, he is confronted by the reanimated corpse of a dead Night’s Watchman. Despite cutting off his arm and running him through with a sword, the thing won’t stop coming. But like my dad used to say, when all else fails, light the son of a bitch on fire. My dad was an arsonist, FYI.

Meanwhile, Tyrion is having problems of his own. Granted, he’s not faced with a zombie uprising, but even so, issues have come up. After leaving the Eyrie, he and his new friend Bronn are set upon by the hill people. They look a lot like you’d expect hill people to look, and they’re also about as friendly as you’d imagine hill people to be. But Tyrion being Tyrion, he manages to convince them to spare his life in exchange for help in unseating the house of Arryn.

Considering the house of Arryn is in total disarray, that might not be as hard as it seems. Lord Robin is only interested in sucking on his mother’s tit. It’s OK for me to type that, because it’s 100% accurate. And his psychotic mother Lysa has no interest in anything other than hiding in her castle, despite the fact that the Lanisters have killed her husband and taken her brother-in-law hostage. Her sister, Lady Catelyn, is forced to leave empty handed.

While her sister may be afraid of a fight with the Lanisters, Lady Catelyn’s son Robb is wasting no time. Once he receives word about his father’s capture, he immediately calls in 20,000 men to march on King’s Landing. When one of his commanders (Greatjohn) gets too big for his britches, Robb’s wolf puts him back in his place by biting off two of his fingers. But Greatjohn seems to take it in stride, laughing off the injury as if it was a simple paper cut. I’m not a military expert, but that seems like the type of guy you want on your side.

With that, the Stark clan sets out from Winterfell to rescue Ned. But the Lanisters seem far from worried. Jaime is down in the Riverlands, plundering Catelyn Stark’s homeland, while Tywin and his army are in place to fight off an invasion from the north. Back at King’s landing, the new king and his mother Cersei are consolidating the family’s power. Tywin has been named Hand of the King, and good old Jaime has been named captain of the king’s guard. This doesn’t sit well with Ser Barristan, who is now out of a job. But given the circumstances, all he can do is say, “You can’t fire me, cause I quit!”

Last but certainly not least, we have the Dothraki. All and all, they were relatively quiet in this episode. By relatively quiet, I mean all they did was rape, pillage and plunder in order to raise money for an amphibious assault on the Seven Kingdoms. Oh, and when one of Drogo’s men referred to Dany as a foreign whore , the Kahl ripped his tongue out via his throat. Like I said, pretty low key.

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“The One That Got Away” begins with the Dunphy clan preparing gifts for Jay’s birthday. The children are making a video tribute, Phil has bought a bottle of wine, and Claire and Mitchell have decided to retake a cherished childhood picture. Phil did the same thing for his parents, and it went over like gangbusters.

Meanwhile, Cameron is at his wit’s end with Lily, and decides he needs a break. As such, he pawns her off on Gloria, claiming that his daughter really enjoys spending time with her step-grandmother, and even tried to say her name. Did this really happen…

Cameron isn’t the only one with problems. Manny has a crush on a girl, but she’s really into sports. As you can see from the Gif, he’s not the most athletic kid. But Cam agrees to help him learn. Their time together ends up planting an idea in Cam’s head, but I’ll save that for later.

Claire and Mitchell return to their childhood home to take the photograph, but the owners are out. Rather than wait for them to return, the two decide to hop the fence. Unfortunately, a large dog isn’t cool with their plans, and chases them up into a tree house. To make matters worse, the two have no cell phones, and their car has been towed.

4 photosSofia Vergara Being Abused On 'Three Stooges' Set

So, where is the birthday boy during all this? Well, he’s supposed to be fishing. Unfortunately, his family keeps pulling him away from it. Cameron asks him to pick up his own cake after being banned from the bakery. Gloria forgets her cell phone, which means Jay gets stuck picking up the dog. He also gets stuck rescuing Claire and Mitchell. To top it all off, the dog steals his birthday cake.

In the end, Jay is upset about the way his birthday turned out, but, as always, the show ends on a happy note. His birthday may have been ruined, but at least he’s still spending time with people who love him, and that’s what’s important (according to television). Speaking of family, the closest thing to a cliff hanger was the revelation that Cameron wants to adopt another child, specifically, a boy. Apparently his time with Manny really made him baby crazy. I assume they are talking about adopting a baby, and not a 15-year old Guatemalan boy. But I guess I’ll have to wait until next season to find out.

As we enter the second half of the season, all the “boring” setup and character development is coming together in an orgy of violent bloodlettings and shocking plot twists. In fact, last night’s installment was so entertaining, I didn’t even notice the lack of gratuitous topless scenes…until they threw in a Basic Instinct moment.

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We begin with King Robert and Queen Cersei interrogating Ned Stark. When we last left Ned, he was bleeding in the street, having been stabbed in the back of the leg by one of Jaime Lannister‘s men. Now it’s Jamie’s sister who is on the offensive, demanding that Stark release her brother. When the king fails to adequately support her demands, she makes a few off-color comments about her husband wearing women’s clothing. This goes over about as well as a lead balloon, and the king responds by bitch slapping his troublesome wife. You might be surprised to learn that I’m not really big fan of domestic violence. But when Cersei Lannister is involved, I’ll make an exception.

Across the Narrow Sea, another queen is being tortured in a different manner. This time, it’s self inflicted. Daenerys has pulled out one of her cherished dragon eggs and placed it in the middle of a fire pit. For reason unknown, she is able to pick up the smoldering hot egg without burning her skin. That’s an impressive trick, but not as impressive as eating a horse heart without vomiting, a task she must accomplish if she is to bare Khal Drogo a son. She manages to keep her food down, much to everyone’s delight. Well, everyone but her brother Viserys, who is beginning to realize that he is becoming irrelevant.

Back in Winterfell, Stark’s oldest son Robb and Theon Greyjoy are arguing about whether or not to move against the Lannisters. While they bicker, Bran Stark wanders off into the woods and is set upon by a group of bandits from north of the wall. The northerners are fleeing south to escape the White Walkers. Luckily for Bran, Robb and Theon catch wind of his trouble, and start slicing throats like it’s their job (which I guess it is). Of the bandits, only the sole female is taken prisoner.

Meanwhile, in the Eyrie, Tyrion Lannister is very unhappy with his current accommodations. After a prolonged exchange with a dimwitted guard, he announces that he would rather confess his crimes than rot in his cell. With that, the imp is taken to an audience in the thrown room.

Once in front of Lysa Tully and Lady Stark, Tyrion confesses a myriad of sins, most of which involve humiliating women and jerking off. But for the crimes of which he is being accused, he maintains his innocence, and demands a trail by combat. Since it would be less than honorable to hack up a dwarf with a sword, the mercenary Bronn agrees to fight in his place. After employing some less than noble tactics, he manages to kill his opponent, and Tyrion is free to go.

With the prospect of war looming, Roz the red-headed whore decides to leave Winterfell and head to King’s Landing. After all, if all of the men go off to war, and most of them don’t come back, turning tricks isn’t going to be a very lucrative business. On her way out of town, Theon runs into her, and, somewhat sadly, pays her for one last look between her legs.

Ned Stark agrees with Roz’s sentiments that war is coming, and decides to send his daughters back to Winterfell. Sansa protests, saying she wants to stay and give her future husband beautiful blond babies. With this, Stark has a revelation. If all of King Robert’s bastard sons have dark hair, why is his legitimate son, Joffrey, blond? Uh oh.

Speaking of uh oh, Viserys finally overstayed his welcome with the Dothraki. Fed up with Khal Drogo’s refusal to provide him with an army, he drunkenly holds a sword to his sister’s stomach. Khal Drogo plays it cool, and promises Viserys a golden crown if he spares her life. This placates Viserys, who drops his guard, and is swiftly seized by Drogo’s men. Since the Dothraki can’t use swords within their sacred city, Drogo decides to do the next best thing, pouring molten gold on Viserys’ head. Daenerys seems less than upset about her now-dead brother’s crown, commenting that a true dragon would have been able to withstand the heat.

Since I’m lucky enough to have HBO Go, I’ve already seen next week’s episode. If you like violence and lesbian sex, you’re gonna love it. But unfortunately, the gifs will have to wait until next Monday.

Four hours earlier, everyone is preparing for the ceremony, including Cameron and Mitchell. While the two are having an extended conversation about birthing farm animals (and Claire), Cameron falls into a kiddie pool in the backyard. Mitchell laughs uncontrollably at the site of his husband falling, which doesn’t go over too well with Cam.

Meanwhile, Jay has returned home from the doctor with a droopy eye. Gloria and Manny worry, thinking he may be having a stroke, but Jay assures them it is nothing. What has actually happened is that Jay was talked into getting Botox by his dermatologist, and there was a slight mishap, causing his eye to temporarily droop. He confesses that he hasn’t felt this stupid since he bought a bracelet that supposedly helped to maintain balance. Cue flashback within a flashback of Jay getting knocked over while demonstrating the bracelet.

Back at the Dunphy’s, Alex is practicing her speech, when Haley overhears it and is horrified by the content. Alex is using the ceremony as a chance to settle old scores, and plans on mocking the popular kids for being vapid. Despite her sister’s protests, Alex plans to go ahead with the speech.

Later, the family has met up at Jay’s house for pre-ceremony refreshments. Mitchell tells the story of Cam falling in the pool to his relatives, but no one seems to find it funny. In fact, they go as far as to chastise him for being insensitive. But when Cam accidentally walks into a closed door, they all break down and laugh, causing Cam to remark that cruelty must be genetic.

As the family sets out to the ceremony, Jay’s driveway gate malfunctions, trapping the family inside. Since no one is able to figure out what is wrong with the gate, Gloria comes up with a plan. Claire and Phil can ride her bike to the ceremony, and the others will catch up when they can. Aside from advancing the plot, this scene allows for the bouncing of Sofia Vergara.

Desperate to arrive on time, Claire decides to go with the plan. Using his cheerleading skills, Phil pushes his wife up and over the gate. He asks Jay to do the same for him, but Jay walks away silently rather than touch Phil’s ass.

Haley and Alex arrive at the ceremony, and Haley makes one last plea to her sister about reconsidering the speech. She tells Alex that just because her classmates seem vapid, it doesn’t mean they don’t have their own problems. For example, Haley is worried because she has failed a class, which means she has to attend summer school and may have a hard time getting into college. For some reason, this causes Alex to reconsider. I guess the fact that Haley is failing her class because she’s a vapid moron was lost on her.

Although they look ridiculous, Claire and Phil seem to be making good time on Gloria’s tandem bike. However, the chain breaks, and the couple is left stranded on the side of the road.

Luckily, Phil is able to utilize his knowledge of Spanish to communicate with some gardeners, who give them a lift to the school. The fact that the gardeners speek perfect English doesn’t hurt matters.

Claire and Phil arrive just in time, although they are forced to scale a hill to get there.

Alex goes ahead with her speech, and instead of being vindictive, follows her sister’s advice and sticks mainly to clichés and song titles. The crowd responds positively, but I threw up a little in my mouth.

As the episode closes, Phil and Claire are saddened when Alex decides to go to a party rather than go out to dinner with the family. But when Haley offers to go instead, they feel as if their prodigal daughter has returned, and instantly begin smothering her.

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The episode begins with a joint birthday party for Jimmy and Maw Maw. When he was younger, Jimmy used to hate sharing his birthdays with Maw Maw, mainly because the parties were overrun with her friends. But thanks to time and a few debilitating strokes, now it’s Jimmy’s friends who populate the parties.

With that, we are transported back in time by five years, to the day before Maw Maw’s 80th birthday and Jimmy’s 18th. Jimmy is going through an awkward phase, which entails dressing like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Edward Scissorhands. Burt and Virgina are afraid to talk to him.

Maw Maw, on the other hand, is still going strong. She’s banging out crossword puzzles, doing back flips, and making the family breakfast. While serving Jimmy, she promises him a very special birthday surprise.

That night at midnight, she wakes everyone in the house with an air horn, and tells them Jimmy’s birthday surprise is on the lawn. Thinking it’s a trampoline, the family runs out to investigate. But all they find are their belongings, and a locked door behind them. Maw Maw is tired of having freeloaders in her house, and now that Jimmy is an adult, she feels no shame in kicking them to the curb.

Desperate for cash, the family turns to living in their van. In order to stretch a dollar, they all head to the grocery store for “lunch.” But instead of buying food, they run a series of scams to get a free meal.

At the store, we get a glimpse of the usual gang as they appeared in 2006. Sabrina, who still has braces, is applying for a job at the store. Barney is morbidly obese. Shelley and Frank are shelf stocking experts.

Even Lucy, Hope’s serial killer mom, is spotted, along with her condescending boyfriend (Danny Masterson). I doubt Masterson will become a regular since it is implied that his character is Lucy’s first victim.

After the grocery store, the family heads over to Virgina’s coworkers home to live in the basement. However, Jimmy is banded from the house when he is mistaken for devil by the owner’s elderly, Spanish speaking mother. Rather than wash off his makeup, Jimmy heads out on his own. On the other hand, Burt isn’t fairing well in the basement, when he manages to wind up in a spitting match with home-owner’s llama.

With no where to turn, Jimmy begins hiding in the DVD return box at the store and waiting for the employees to go home. He spends his nights eating for free and bathing in the produce sprinklers.

In Jimmy’s absence, Burt and Virgina plead with Maw Maw to let them return. She refuses, and calls the family “losers.” The insult causes the couple to reevaluate their lives. The make a budget, get serious about their jobs, and start saving money to repay Maw Maw.

After coming up with their plan, Burt and Virgina head over to Maw Maw’s to start paying her back. Once there, they realize her mind is slipping after she repeatedly asks about long dead relatives. Although they are committed to no longer being freeloaders, they decide they should move in to help take care of the woman who took care of them.

Meanwhile, Jimmy’s plan is exposed by Barney, who suspected the store had been infiltrated by a gypsy. In the ensuing melee, Shelley is hit in the teeth by a can, Barney realizes he needs to have gastric bypass surgery, and Sabrina shows up a minute too late, dressed as a goth chick, hoping to catch Jimmy’s eye. Apparently, his goth persona reminded her of a character from her Twilight books.

After fleeing the store, Jimmy runs into Burt, who hides him from the cops. After the chase, Jimmy decides to go back to being himself and stop wearing the makeup. Together, they all go inside to celebrate with Maw Maw, who agrees to let the family stay, so long as they never let her granddaughter Virginia and her no good husband back into the house.

With that, we flash back to 2011, where everyone is celebrating yet another birthday for Maw Maw and Jimmy. As the show winds down, Burt and Jimmy reminisce about Jimmy’s make-up wearing days. Unaware of Sabrina’s attraction to goth guys, Jimmy makes Burt swear to never mention his awkward phase to her, lest it hurt his chances.

All and all, I can’t think of a better way for the show to have wrapped up, and I’m happy about the fact that it managed to get renewed.

The episode begins with Ned Stark investigating the death of Jon Aryn’s squire in a jousting match (click Here for last week’s episode). Despite the accidental nature of the death, Ned smells a set up.

Despite the tragic death, the games continue. The Mountain, as he is affectionately known, is back at it, jousting against a new competitor, Loras Tyrell. Tyrell is a bit of a dandy (he’s known as “The Knight of Flowers”), but he’s also a great warrior, and cunning enough to ride a mare that’s in heat. The move spooks The Mountain’s horse, costing him the race. Old Mountain Man doesn’t take too kindly to the trick, and decides to cut off his own horse’s head before attacking Tyrell. Only the intercession of The Mountain’s brother, The Hound, spares Tyrell’s life.

Meanwhile, Lady Stark is transporting her new prisoner to her sister’s castle in the Eyrie. Despite Tyrion’s repeated claims of innocence (why would he give an assassin his own dagger), his pleas fall on deaf ears. But when the group is attacked by marauders, the imp leaps to Lady Stark’s defense. If you’ve ever wanted to watch a dwarf cave someone’s face in, this is the episode for you. If you’ve already seen a dwarf cave someone’s face in, good for you!

Cue pointless sex scene. Well, it wasn’t totaly pointless. After watching Theon Greyjoy bang a prostitute, we learn that last week’s encounter with the imp has left him jealous. Clearly, the seed of resentment has been planted in his head, and I’d bet all the horses in Vaes Dothrak that he’s going to turn on the Starks.

One sex scene deserves another, so let’s skip to Loras Tyrell and Renly Baratheon (The King’s younger brother). After a vigorous manscaping session, Loras plants the idea in Renly’s head that he should be the King, not his boorish bro. He then makes a very compelling argument on the matter via oral sex. While there’s always something a tad homoerotic about a bunch of long-haired dudes playing with swords, seeing those same dudes go down on each other is a world apart, especially in animated Gif form.

Back to the dwarf torture. Upon arriving at her sister’s, Lady Stark begins to realize that Lysav has gone insane (probably after the death of her husband, Jon Arryn). After breastfeeding her toddler son in front of everyone, she has Tyrion thrown into a dungeon. Despite the lack of bars on the window, I’m pretty sure he won’t be going anywhere, unless dwarfs can fly…which I assume they can.

Viewers who were disturbed by hot-man-on-man action were treated to this gratuitous breast shot. It occurred while Ned Stark was visiting a brothel in order to investigate yet another one of the King’s bastard children.

Stark’s doubts about the king came to a head when it was decided that the pregnant Daenerys Targaryen was to be assassinated. Stark quit rather than take part in what he viewed to be a shameful plot, and decided to return to Winterfell. His decision was probably hastened by news of his wife’s decision to take the imp prisoner, a move that will surely enrage the Lannisters.

Speaking of Lannisters,upon leaving the brothel, Ned is confronted by Jaime and his troops. Word of Lady Stark’s actions has gotten around, and Jamie is not happy. He makes short work of Ned’s men, including poor Jory, who takes a knife to the eye. At least the last thing he saw before his death was that hot blond girl’s goods.

Eventually, Ned and Jamie come to blows. In the middle of their heated battle, one of Jamie’s men stabs Ned in the leg with a spear, ending the fight prematurely. Robbed of a possible victory, Jamie punches his man in the face for intruding on the battle. With that, Ned is left in the street, and told that no harm must come to the imp.

Breasts, gay sex, bastard children, toddler breast feeding, eye stabbings: This week’s episode packed a lot of action into just one hour. Sound off on your favorite moments in the comment section below.

We begin with trouble at the Dunphy’s. When it comes time to discipline the children, Claire once again finds herself in the role of “bad cop.” To make matters worse, she catches Phil undermining her in front of the children while she is attempting to lay down the law.

Meanwhile, Mitchell is faced with problems of his own. Cameron has come down with a nasty bug, which is jeopardizing their plans of going to the Lady Gaga concert. Mitchell is torn. He wants to take care of his partner, but he was really excited about the concert (Lady Gaga being one of the few gay stereotypes he allows himself).

Back at the Dunphy’s, Claire is demanding Phil take on the role of disciplinarian. She decides to take the boys to the go cart track, leaving her husband in charge of getting the girls to clean the bathroom.

Cameron’s situation is not improving. To make matters worse, Mitchell’s attempts to get permission to attend the concert alone fall on deaf ears.

As these two story lines unfold, Jay and Gloria are dealing with an unexpected guest. Well, unexpected on Jay’s part. Gloria has invited Guillermo, the man who bags her groceries, to talk to Jay about business. He has a plan that will revolutionize the $40 billion dog-training business. Jay points out that dog-training market is no where near that lucritive. But that doesn’t stop Guillermo and his do Stella from demonstrating their ridiculous method, which involves giving dogs a less-than-delicious biscuit when they are bad.

The dog isn’t the only one that needs discipline. Despite Phil’s requests to clean the bathroom, the girls attempt to flee to the movies before finishing their chores. This doesn’t sit well with Phil, who chases them into the street and jumps on the hood of their car.

Claire, on the other hand, is enjoying her time as the “good cop.” In fact, she might be having a little too much fun. She drives recklessly while go carting, and encourages the boys to eat loads of junk food. Her dramatic change leave the boys confused, and in Luke’s case, physically ill.

While go carting, Claire gets a call from Mitchell, asking for advice. Should he ditch sick Cameron and go on his own? When Mitchell is the sick one, Cameron bends over backwards to make him comfortable. Despite this fact, Mitchell decides he’s going to Lady Gaga.

Meanwhile, Phil has taken his role of “bad cop” to the extreme. He is forcing the girls to clean all the bathrooms in the house and unclog the drains. He also duct-tapes their laptops shut. To top it off, he’s not allowing them to eat.

Mitchell attempts to break the news to Cameron, only to find his partner is asleep. He takes the opportunity to make a run for it…

But is caught at the front door just before leaving. Embarrassed by his bad behavior, Mitchell promises to be a better partner. However, in the middle of his apology, Cameron passes out again, and Mitchell bolts for the door.

After hearing Guillermo’s awful sales pitch, Jay decides to be honest, telling him the dog treat idea is horrible. Guillermo is devastated, but grateful for the honest advice. He decides to get his life back on track by returning to school. However, this requires him to quit his job and move in with his sister, which means he has to give up the dog. Gloria volunteers to take in the animal, but Jay won’t have it and drives it to the pound. But after looking into Stella’s eyes, he has a change of heart, and Stella returns home to live with the family.

Back at the Dumphy’s, Claire returns home with a van full of Luke’s vomit. When Phil sends the girls, who are now little more than slaves, to clean the mess, Claire takes pity on them and sends them to eat. Phil and Claire both agree that things were better off as they were before, and that switching the “good cop/bad cop” roles was a bad idea.

And when Cameron wakes up from his nap, he is happy to see Mitchell watching over him. He thanks his partner for skipping the concert, but then informs him that his necklace is still glowing. Caught red handed, Mitchell panics, and the show ends.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Does Stella help round out the cast?

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We begin with Virginia consoling Burt over the loss of his boomerang. “They’re suppose to always come back,” he whimpers, after waiting 15 minutes. Suddenly, an angry woman’s voice breaks through a nearby baby monitor. Burt is alarmed, thinking someone is in Hope’s room. But Virgina tells him not to worry, since they’re just getting interference from another monitor in the neighborhood. “I saw this on’Modern Family‘, and countless other sitcoms.”

The two decide to wander the neighborhood, searching for what sounds like an abusive mother. However, when they discover the source, it turns out to be an angry wife, chastising her husband for not controlling a group of puppies (that’s what the baby monitor is for). It also turns out to be Ethan Suplee and Jamie Pressly, the stars of “My Name Is Earl.”

Jimmy doesn’t have time to snoop on the neighbors. He’s busy with his job at Howdy’s grocery store, helping his manager come up with a new TV ad. Last year’s fruit-and-vegetable themed submission was rejected, so this year, Barney has asked his employees to come up with their own ads. The ad itself aside, he feels it will build team spirit among his crew. After all, the pyramids were built by a “team” of slaves.

Back at the house, Burt can’t stop listening to the baby monitor. Despite his wife’s objections, he is transfixed by the unfolding story of a poor, downtrodden husband who is constantly belittled by his awful spouse. Before heading to bed, Burt overhears the wife threaten that there’ll be hell to pay if her husband does not remove an old tree stump by the time she returns from work tomorrow afternoon.

Determined to help, Burt stops by the neighbors’ house, and offers to remove the stump for free, claiming he is one stump away from getting a stump-removal certificate. Overjoyed, the neighbor (Andrew) gladly accepts. When his wife (Donna) returns home from work, she seems somewhat pleased with the stump removal. But her joy quickly turns to anger when she discovers that Andrew has dragged mud across her carpet. Burt is horrified that his attempt to help has backfired.

Back at the store, it’s time to unveil the ads. Frank puts forth a less than stellar commercial, focusing mainly on himself. He doesn’t care if the customers come or not. He doesn’t own the place. If he did, it’d be named Frank’s. Besides, no matter where you buy your food, it all ends up in the toilet.

Jimmy, on the other hand, decides to impress his boss by casting him as the lead in his commercial. Barney plays the hero of a Lord of the Rings-themed spot, in which he banishes the high prices of an evil troll. When Sabrina protests the fact that Jimmy casting their boss in the ad, he informs her that there are no rules.

Where’s Maw Maw during all this? I’m glad you asked. She’s busy putting scotch tape on her face. Keep it out of your eyes, Maw Maw.

Offended by Jimmy’s tactics, Sabrina decides it’s time for the gloves to come off. She enlists the help of both Hope and Maw Maw in making a slick, early-60′s style ad. Jimmy protests, but Sabrina reminds him that there are no rules. Barney, upset by his team’s infighting, decides to send all the ads to corporate, and let them decide which is best.

On a side note, who knew Sabrina was packing that kind of cleavage? Also, if Maw Maw looks good for her age, keep in mind she’s forced to use an obscene about of tape to hold her ass in place.

Despite the fact that Virgina hates busybodies, Burt convinces her to invite the new neighbors over for dinner. His hope is that if Donna sees what a good wife Virgina is, she’ll start treating Andrew with more respect. All is going according to plan, until Andrew runs home for a box of crackers. Burt tags along, and reveals his ulterior motive for inviting the couple over. However, Donna overhears the conversation on the baby monitor. Furious, she lays into Virgina for not minding her own business.

Virgina is upset, and wants to make things right with the neighbors. But Burt informers her that Andrew is happier than ever. Now that Donna is angry at Virgina, the heat is off him. He’s even allowed to watch Sports Center for the first time in years (did you know Oklahoma City has a basketball team now?). Although she doesn’t want to be known as a busy body, Virgina decides to play the part in order to save the couple’s marriage.

At Howdy’s, the crew waits to see which ad has been selected. But to their dismay, corporate went with an ad from the westside store. Angered by the loss, the crew decides to band together in order to beat Howdy’s West in sales. Barney, who it turns out never sent in the ads to begin with, is proud of the fact that he brought his crew closer together.

With just one episode left in the season, “Raising Hope” seems to be ending on a high note. I could have used a little more Maw Maw, but if that’s my only complaint, I should probably just shut my damn mouth.

What did you think of the episode?

Check Out Our Other Gif Recaps Here!

While speaking in front of the landmark committee in regard to the Arcadia Hotel, Marshall closes his argument Johnny Cochran style, with a rhyme: “If the lion head’s stonework is regal…tearing it down should be illegal.” Because this is a sitcom, the crowd seems pleased with his speech, and Marshall decides to celebrate with a moonwalk before being asked to stop rhyming and sit down. Next, it’s Ted‘s turn to testify. At the end of last week’s episode, he was adamantly in favor of saving the building. But now, when asked his opinion, he seems unsure. What happened? Flashback time.

After the events of last week, Barney is the odd man out. Everyone else is now in favor of saving the Arcadia, making him the lone dissenter. In order to spite his new enemies, Barney bribes the bar’s kitchen to stop serving chicken wings, leaving his hungry friends wingless.

While Barney might have had a good laugh over his wing prank, he was in for a rude awakening. After talking to his boss, Arthur, he discovers that both he and Ted are at risk of being fired if Ted testifies in favor of the building. Despite this fact, Ted seems unmoved, thanks to his love for Zoey.

Later, Ted wakes up to see what he thinks is Barney dressed as the long-dead architect who built the Arcadia. At first, he is unimpressed by Barney’s nonsense. But then, after an impressive lighting change, Ted realizes that it is actually the architect, speaking to him in a dream. The ghost warns Ted not to testify in favor of the building, since, deep down, he knows it is an unimportant eyesore unworthy of landmark status, and doing so would mean giving up his chance to leave his own mark on the city.

After discussing the matter with his friends, and exploring all the possible outcomes (including Ninja attack), Ted decides to testify against the building even though he knows Zoey will leave him. Later that night, he meets with Zoey one last time, but keeps his plans a secret, as not to spoil the moment.

At this point, the flashback ends, and Ted is back on stage testifying about the building. When he tells the committee he believes the Arcadia is unworthy of landmark status, Zoey rushes the stage and plays a recording of Ted speaking in favor of saving it because of the iconic lion’s head on its exterior. The move leaves little doubt that the committee will vote to save the building, and even less doubt that Zoey is an awful bitch.

After the meeting is adjourned and the vote is scheduled for the next day, the group heads to the bar to drown their sorrows. Luckily, Lily has hatched a plan to make sure the Arcadia is destroyed. The group rushes to find Arthur, who is out walking his new dog (which he hates). After calming him down, he agrees to go along with the plan.

For legal reasons, Ted never gives details. But the next night at the committee meeting, it is announced that the lion’s head is missing, and there is no longer a reason to save the building. Zoey is furious, and as expected, leaves Ted. He takes it in stride, telling her that “Sometimes, things have to fall apart to make way for better things.” With that, Zoey walks off screen, hopefully into oncoming traffic.

As the episode ends, Ted asks Barney what he really thought of Zoey, stressing that he can be honest now that she is out of the picture. Ted reluctantly admits that maybe she was right about the lion’s head, adding that it really looks good in his bedroom.

All and all, how did you feel about last night’s episode? Are you glad that Zoey is dead gone?