The new fall TV season is upon us. If you’ve been following my sage advice for fall TV viewing of the new shows, you’ve probably been eagerly anticipating my last installment in the series. Well anticipate no more. Here it is. I saved the sci-fi/supernatural/fantasy shows for last because…it was the last category I picked out of the hat. Regardless, it’s an important segment of your TV viewing and one show deserves your attention. Another show does not.

Whether you are a science fiction/comic book fan or not, these shows will be one of your choices this fall. Read on…

WATCH IT: “No Ordinary Family” (ABC), Tuesdays at 8 pm (ET)

This could be the new “Heroes." Michael Chiklis is the father of a family that gains super powers after an accident. He isn’t the tough-as-nails cop we all know from “The Shield," but he is a cop in this show — and more importantly, he is paired with Julie Benz (“Dexter”), and she is crazy hot. ABC isn’t known for producing great previews for their shows — and I blame the voice over department — but this one looks like popcorn fun TV.

It promises to not be as serious as “Heroes," but will provide the fans of that show with the supernatural drug they so desire. Aside from all that, it’s about a family just trying to make it in this crazy world. And make it they will.

SKIP IT: “The Cape” (NBC), Midseason (ET)

Vinnie Jones is badass, but he isn’t the lead in this piece of crap. David Lyons is the lead, who I also like, but he made a bad choice by agreeing that this would be his follow-up to his stint on “ER." I always like a good comic book-ish caper, but this looks like a watered down version of one of those failed mid-90’s versions of a Marvel comic.

Lyons is a cop that is framed for murder and has to fight to clear his name while simultaneousl fighting crime with — wait for it — a cape. It’s apparently made of spider silk and some dudes way back when used their robes as weapons. The cape is stronger than kevlar, the trailer claims.

Seriously? This is what one of the Big Four of TV has to offer us? Apparently so. Avoid this and make a stand, so something like this never gets greenlit again.

Last week’s breakdown of the new fall TV shows focused on sitcoms about couples. This week I’m sticking with the funny shows, but looking at the ones that are set in the workplace. There are surprisingly few of these — two to be exact — but one is worth checking out. While the other you might want to call in sick for.

WATCH IT: “Mr. Sunshine” (ABC), Midseason

Matthew Perry is back after “Studio 60” was cancelled with just one season on the air. Well, this show is kinda sorta “Studio 60 Volume II." Perry stars, writes and produces this single-camera comedy about the manager of a San Diego arena and all the hijinks that go on inside — and outside — of it. This is so “Studio 60”-ish because of the people Perry put in to place to work the show. Former co-stars on the show, Allison Janney and Nate Torrence are in “Mr. Sunshine” and Thomas Schlamme, who directed much of “Studio 60," directed the pilot.

For those of you that missed “Studio 60," do yourself a favor and rent it. It was great TV and too smart for much of the viewing public. Which is why it is no longer on the air. “Mr. Sunshine” has the same feel but infuses a bit more of Matthew Perry’s style of humor which is why this one is a show to watch…and one that looks like it will make it more than one season.

SKIP IT: “Outsourced” (NBC), Thursdays at 9:30 pm (ET)

Seriously, I want to like this one. I have long been a fan of at least two shows on NBC’s must see TV Thursday nights. I’m talking, all the way back to early “Seinfeld” days. I’m down with NBC’s current lineup on Thursdays, but everything I have seen, read, or heard about “Outsourced” has had me actually checking the schedule to see what else I could be watching instead (I decided I would TiVo “The Office” and “Nikita” at 9pm and watch “Fringe live on FOX).

“Outsourced” is a one-joke sitcom — critics’ words, not mine — about an American office manager assigned to a call center in Mumbai, India. It’s a culture clash, been-there-done-that comedy that seems to lack comedy. The previews have certainly shown that. Not once have I laughed or even considered recording it. And although I don’t always agree with critics, they are bashing the hell out of this crapfest. Avoid it and cross your fingers that “Parks & Recreation” continues building on its strong finish when it returns midseason.

Here’s my latest brilliant assessment of the new fall TV shows. This week it’s time to scrutinize sitcoms about couples. While these sitcoms can sometimes be confused with sitcoms about family — which I have already broken down for you — these shows focus on the daily shenanigans of a particular couple, or couples.

Let’s take a look…

WATCH IT: “Perfect Couples” (NBC), Midseason

This comedy initially sounded like it was going to be majorly lame. The description smacked of “Friends” except with three engaged couples. Then the more I got exposed to the show and saw some clips, the more I couldn’t help but want to see it. It’s got a dude from “30 Rock” and one from “Friends” as executive producers and Andy Ackerman (“Seinfeld”) directed the pilot. Guys like that behind it is usually a good sign. Plus, it has Olivia Munn in it and in case you haven’t noticed, she’s pretty hot.

The series won’t be on until midseason — which used to be a bad sign for a show — but lately a lot of shows have been able to rock it after being placed on the schedule for midseason. My opinion is “Perfect Couples” will be a good replacement for “Outsourced”, which looks like crap.

SKIP IT: “Mike & Molly” (CBS), Mondays at 9:30 pm (ET)

A sitcom about a couple that is large. As in fat. They fall in love and are trying to be not as flabby. In every clip I have watched, the jokes are stale and you can see them coming a mile away. The show is from Chuck Lorre (“Two and a Half Men” and “The Big Bang Theory”), so you can see where the humor will lie. Legendary TV director James Burrows is also involved, but he’s been involved in as much bad TV as he has good TV. And I’d much rather see Katy Mixon on “Eastbound & Down” than in a sitcom about overeaters.

The show does have the boring, but ratings-giant “Two and a Half Men” lead-in, so it’ll probably last. But I won’t be watching.

THE REST

“Running Wilde” (FOX), Tuesdays at 9:30 pm (ET)

I’m not sure what to think about this one. The previews have not been mind-blowingly funny, but the guys from “Arrested Development” are behind it and that was one of the greatest comedies ever. Will Arnett and Keri Russell are the stars and Arnett is always great in supporting roles, so it will be interesting to see if he can carry his own series. He plays an immature rich kid trying to get back with his childhood love.

And did I mention David Cross is also in this? I want it to be good. I really do.

Settle in. It’s time for another installment of my fall TV show tips. This week I’m looking at the new spy/conspiracy-type shows that promise a heavy dose of gratuitous action.

“Alias” went off the air a few seasons ago and “24” is now gone. “Human Target” is back in October, but after that, most of the espionage/government agent entries are freshman series. A couple of them seem to be packing enough intrigue to keep auds hanging around, while another isn’t really blowing my skirt up.

WATCH IT: “Nikita” (CW), Thursdays at 9 pm (ET)

You may sa I am picking this as a ‘must watch’ because Maggie Q is smoking hot and there will be a lot of her being scantily clad and partaking in slow motion gunplay. Well, you’re not completely wrong about that, but Maggie Q also said this version of “Nikita” is a thinker…if you’re into that sort of thing. She recently said that "It’s a smart show. I want to make people think. I mean, if I’m not, what am I doing, right? So hopefully people will like that challenge." She’s so hot when she says stuff.

I agree that I certainly would have thought a lot more in school had my teacher looked like Maggie Q and dressed like she does in this show. The producers have also promised that this show is not a remake and is a new take on the series. It’s supposed to be darker and have some new side stories — which is something that made “Alias” sustain. I’ll be watching. And thinking, of course.

SKIP IT: “The Event” (NBC), Mondays at 9 pm (ET)

This show is being promoted like crazy and there has been some loose references to “24” except claims that it has more mystery and intrigue. It has a large cast, but also looks to have a few to many moving parts. NBC is hoping this epic could fill the void left by “24” and shows like “Lost”. Unfortunately, this beast looks too convoluted and all too ready to drop the “We are the last line of defense!” brand of dialogue in every episode.

While we all wish for that global conspiracy adventure we could look forward to every week, this looks like yet another expensive failure for NBC. How many more times are they going to drop millions on overblown fare that audiences grow tired of midway through the first episode? Let’s hope they prove me wrong.

THE REST:

“Undercovers” (NBC), Wednesdays at 8 pm (ET)

I haven’t been blown away by the early previews of this show and it is in an early time slot (meaning watered-down action), but the fact that the name J.J. Abrams is on it does gives me hope. He also seems to have loosened up a little on the seriousness and has infused a little more fun with this one. It looks like it will be a Mr. & Mrs. Smith meets “Alias” meets The Long Kiss Goodnight. And if J.J. pulls that all together in a nice neat package, this show will be pretty damn cool. Keep your fingers crossed.

Here’s the third installment of your guide to the new fall TV shows and this time I dish out wisdom about the sitcoms centered around a family. Please don’t confuse these shows with ‘family sitcoms’ — the shows like "Full House" and the one with Urkel that were ‘kid safe’ and painfully lacking in humor. These are sitcoms that are made for adults and just happen to be about a family. There aren’t many of these debuting this fall, but there is one you definitely want to tune in to.

WATCH IT: “$#*! My Dad Says” (CBS), Thursdays at 8:30 pm (ET) 

It has been about a year since former HolyTaco managing editor Justin Halpern started tweeting his dad’s wise and wonderfully crass rants. Now the TV show has been picked up for the season with William Shatner playing the dad in the title and Halpern writing and producing with ex-ScreenJunkies managing editor Patrick Schumacker. Shatner — regardless of what you think about his acting abilities — has proven to be TV gold and the idea of him spouting off to his sitcom son is going to be a good way to spend a Thursday evening.

I know what you may be thinking. That we selected this show for the WATCH list because of the connection to the Break family. But this certainly isn’t the case. They don’t return our calls, texts, emails, or well-crafted ransom notes anymore. We just know they’re funny dudes and the show is guaranteed to make you laugh.

SKIP IT: “Better With You” (ABC), Wednesdays at 8:30 pm (ET) 

This is one of those shows that slips through and gets picked up because it will ‘fill a slot’ until something better comes along. It’s not offensive to most people, it isn’t pretending to be high brow, and it has a couple of recognizable faces that middle-aged women will tune in to see. All this adds up to a boring thirty minutes where the only entertainment you’ll get is the occasional Geico commercial.
 
Just watch the preview for the proof of dreadfulness. I haven’t heard a misuse of a laugh track like that since, well, never.

THE REST:

“Raising Hope” (FOX), Tuesdays at 9 pm (ET)

A dark comedy about a crazy family pitching in and helping the son raise a daughter from a one night stand he had after the girl’s mom gets sentenced to death row. It’s got "My Name is Earl" peeps behind it and it did nab a decent time slot given its audience won’t have many other options that night. The preview doesn’t blow me away — Cloris Leachman aside — so this one might be disappear soon.

In my continue break down of the new fall TV shows where I tell you what to watch and what to skip, after debating lawyer shows last week I am now taking a peek under the hood of the cop shows.

Never does a season go by on network television where a new cop show or two fails to debut. In fact, the cop show is the most popular TV longform genre in the history of da’ tube and this season is keeping the streak alive with a handful of police entries. Don’t get too excited, though. Only a couple of them are worth a glance.

WATCH IT: “Hawaii Five-0” (CBS),  Mondays at 10 pm (ET)

Scott Caan and Alex O’Loughlin — hoping his 14th series is the charm — star as McGarrett and Dano in the reboot of the uber-cool “Hawaii Five-0." Jin from “Lost” is also on board as Chin Ho Kelly and so is Grace Park as a female Kona. Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci are the executive producers, which is a great sign for fun to come. They wrote the Transformers flicks, the recent Star Trek movie, Mission: Impossible III, and lots of other guilty pleasure goodness.

While this show may not have award-winning dramatic performances or contain the highest of artistic substance, it does have sh*t blowing up, hot chicks in bikinis, and the original badass theme song. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what TV is all about?

SKIP IT: “Detroit 1-8-7” (ABC), Tuesdays at 10 pm (ET)

This show had a lot of early buzz and great potential. It promised to mix occasional real life footage with a “Homicide: Life on the Streets” dramatic sensibility — all shot documentary style. Sadly, it has completely fallen apart. The show stars Michael Imperioli and a host of no name actors, and the pilot — while not brilliant — gave hope to what could be coming in future episodes. Instead, the producers did reshoots and dropped the documentary style under the pressure of ABC executives and have done a general dumbing down of the whole premise.

The biggest blow to the show, which is shot in Detroit, was when the mayor banned ride-alongs with the local cops. This killed some of the show’s gritty realness and would have cost the production extra cash in order to replicate the feel with the fake stuff. All of this adds up to a piece of crap that smells worse than a squater in an abandoned auto factory. Even if the show somehow turns out to be watchable after all, it is likely going to be cancelled after a few episodes and leave you pissed that you invested time with no payoff.

THE REST:

“Law & Order: Los Angeles” (NBC), Wednesdays at 10 pm (ET)

Just when you think the “Law & Order” versions and spinoffs were dying out, another chapter begins. This volume is set in Los Angeles (in case you didn’t get that from the show’s title) and stars Alfred Molina, Skeet Ulrich, and Terrence Howard. If you were a fan of the sometimes boring original, you’ll probably be satisfied with this series.

“Blue Bloods” (CBS), Fridays at 10 pm (ET)

It’s a Friday night show, so you probably won’t be watching it anyway. If you do check it out, it stars Donnie Wahlberg (playing his 37th different television cop), Bridget Moynahan, Andrea Roth of “Rescue Me”, and TV dinosaur Tom Selleck. They’re cops and they do cop stuff that’s tame enough for a Friday night audience.

“Body of Proof” (ABC), Fridays at 9 pm (ET)

Dana Delany is a medical examiner who solves crimes by…sorry, I’ve already lost interest in whatever it was I was going to write.

“Chase” (NBC), Mondays at 10 pm (ET)

Cole Hauser is okay to watch and the lead chick (Kelli Giddish) is kinda’ hot. This show — also starring Jesse Metcalfe — is about US Marshals doing their thang across the country. It can be edgy at times, so this could warrant a checking out.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be breaking down the new fall TV shows, telling you what to watch and what to skip altogether. It’s your choice if you want to listen to me, but before you make a decision, you should know that I own several television sets, so I’m somewhat of an expert on this subject.

Today we tackle the lawyer shows. Attorneys and law-types have long been fascinating subject matter for TV, from your grandparents’ love of “Perry Mason” to your ex-girlfriend’s obsession with “Ally McBeal.” Well now a new cycle of law shows are hitting the small screen this fall. And as is usually the dillio, some are worthy of your dedication, while others make jury duty seem more appealing.

WATCH IT: “The Defenders” (CBS), Wednesdays at 10pm (ET)

Jim Belushi and Jerry O’Connell play Vegas defense lawyers that have balls and like to take Vegas-style chances. They don’t mind partaking in the sin Sin City has to offer — especially if it helps them win a case for their clients. Their new associate at the firm is a former stripper and their personal lives are in shambles, leading to many nights on the town drinking and chasing women.

Don’t be scared, because this is not the normal CBS procedural. Belushi and O”Connell both can be great fun to watch when cast in the right role — and those roles are quite rare — and both of them together might add up to something worth checking out. Not to mention it’s Vegas, so there will be lots of chicks that have loose morals. Oh yeah, and there are some cool court cases sandwiched in there, too.

SKIP IT: “Outlaw” (NBC), Fridays at 10pm (ET)

Jimmy Smits is a US Supreme Court Justice who decides to quit and go back into private practice. If that isn’t sexy enough for you, Jesse Bradford is in it and Gina Gershon left after shooting the pilot as the main love interest. The only thing that might be of interest here is that Conan O’Brien is one of the Executive Producers. Except it’s not a comedy, so that makes it not very interesting at all.

Nothing about this show has even hinted at a must watch. Jimmy Smits was commanding on “Dexter,” but looks nothing like that loco lawman on this show. “Outlaw” smacks of the same tired dramas NBC has been cranking out in an effort to replace its great dramas of the past.

THE REST:

“The Whole Truth” (ABC), Wednesdays at 10pm (ET)

It has Rob Morrow, Maura Tierney (who replaced Joely Richardson) and a snappy preview. There could be worse shows out there.

“Harry’s Law” (NBC), TBA

David E. Kelley does the ‘unconventional’ attorney thing again where he writes dialogue that preaches at us undereducated simpletons. It stars Kathy Bates, so there might be some hope. Then again, she did appear in Fred Clause.

Tonight, Jessica Simpson’s cleavage makes Dane Cook palatable.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE break

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: A cautionary tale that teaches us all we should be heavily-armed and alert on Christmas.

MAN VS. FISH WITH MATT WALSTON
Network: Discovery
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: This guy hunts marlin in the South Pacific on a jet ski and has to fight off bad weather and killer whales in the process. I don’t even like having to open a Gorton’s fish sticks box.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
Network: Comedy Central
Time: 8:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The race is on for the vagina heart of Jessica Simpson when two workers discover she will more than likely sleep with whomever becomes Employee of the Month at Wal-Mart. That’s an unbelievalbe premise. Remember, this is 2006 Jessica we’re talking about.

STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
Network: A&E
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Steven Seagal helps rebuild a home destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. Sounds tame. When is he going to break someone’s arm??

BIOGRAPHY: JOAQUIN PHEONIX
Network: Biography
Time: 11PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Take an intimate look at the World’s Highest Man.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
The Dan Band

LETTERMAN
Alec Baldwin; Jay Thomas; Darlene Love performs

CONAN
Elijah Wood; Derek Fisher; Dwayne Perkins

KIMMEL (repeat)
Peewee Herman; The Jacksons; Passion Pit performs

FERGUSON
Paris Hilton; chef Jose Andres

FALLON
Joy Behar; Jonny Lee Miller; the Muppets

This weekend Survivor: Samoa begins to wind down, Bruce Campbell saves the day, and an elephant gets cut in half.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

SANCTUARY
Network: Syfy
Time: 10 -11PM

Reasons to watch: The character of Nikola Tesla appears. Isn’t that an awesome name? It’s the most rock-and-roll scientist name out there.
 

CRASH
Network: Showtime
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The season two finale features a showdown with Manson fanatics. They have those? Still?? In this day and age??? Is Crash about racism or time-traveling racists? I don’t have Showtime so I don’t know.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Glenn Beck

LETTERMAN
Tobey Maguire; Tom Dreesen; Alicia Keys performs

CONAN
Sam Worthington; Nigel Marvin; Foreigner perform

KIMMEL
John Krasinski; James Cameron; Mary J. Blige performs

FERGUSON
Judi Dench; Michelle Rodriguez

FALLON
Jude Law; Abby Elliot; Ronnie Spector performs

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19th, 2009

MY NAME IS BRUCE
Network: Syfy
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: This is a movie about Bruce Campbell saving a small town from evil. Not some cheesy Lifetime Television movie about Bruce Campbell overcoming rape, as the title would suggest.

RAW ANATOMY: INSIDE THE ELEPHANT
Network: National Geographic Channel
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: This is your last chance of the decade to see an elephant chopped in two.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20th, 2009

SURVIVOR: SAMOA
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: The jury members cast their votes for the winners. I still think they’re crazy for going there. Samoans are virtuall unstoppable. They’re like Pan-Asian RoboCops. Did the cast members think they’d make it out of there without being boiled in a huge-ass cauldron?

DOMINION: PREQUEL TO THE EXORCIST
Network: Syfy
Time: 9 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: Not to be confused with Exorcist: The Beginning. This is the OTHER crappy Exorcist prequel.

Tonight on Jersey Shore, Snooki learns the importance of a clean clock.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

SNL PRESENTS: A VERY GILLY CHRISTMAS
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Kristen Wiig makes noises in between classic holiday-themed sketches from throughout the long-running series.

AMERICAN CHOPPER
Network: TLC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Mikey returns from rehab while the guys make a bike for pool legend The Black Widow. Mikey should have an easy time getting healthy. He seems to be from a healthy, loving family.

JERSEY SHORE
Network: MTV
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Tonight, Snooki gets fist pumped in her grill piece.

THE MENTALIST
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Jane gets hit in the head by a foul ball which brings back memories of his father. What memories would a ball to his chin bring back?

THE KARATE KID PART III
Network: VS.
Time: 11PM – 1:30AM

Reasons to watch: This is the one with leg sweeps and bonzai plants.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Sam Worthington; Mary J. Blige performs

LETTERMAN
Jude Law; Shannon Eis; Matisyahu performs

CONAN
John Krasinski; Robin Thicke performs

KIMMEL
Rachel McAdams; Johnny Galecki; Allison Iraheta

FERGUSON
Sigourney Weaver; Hank Stuever

FALLON
Paul Shaffer; Boyz II Men

Tonight on TV, Jesse "The Body" Ventura wrestles hypocrisy and Kim Kardashian does whatever it is she does.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

CONSPIRACY THEORY WITH JESSE VENTURA
Network: truTV
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Jesse "The Body" Ventura attempts to disprove the official 9/11 report. Elsewhere, British Bulldog maintains that the Royal Family murdered Princess Diana.

DWARF ADOPTION STORY
Network: TLC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: A dwarf couple tries to adopt a dwarf infant from Albania. It’s just like an average adoption story except this time the furniture is tiny.

REAL WORLD / ROAD RULES CHALLENGE: THE RUINS REUNION
Network: MTV
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The Douchebag Olympians reflect upon their time spent in The Ruins. Then they call each other "bitch" a lot.

NIP/TUCK
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The Nips (still figuring out a better name) are embroiled in an ethical dilemma when they are asked to remove fat from a death row inmate. Hey! That fat did the crime and now has to do the time.

CSI:NY
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Kim Kardashian guest stars. Finally there’s an ass bigger than David Caruso in the CSI universe.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Sigourney Weaver

LETTERMAN
Robert Downey Jr.; Martin Short; Kris Allen performs

CONAN
Wanda Sykes; James Cameron; Myq Kaplan

KIMMEL
Ty Pennington; chicken whisperer Joshua McCarthy; Norah Jones performs

FERGUSON
Bob Barker; Greta Van Susteren

FALLON
Sarah Jessica Parker; Deepak Chopra; Raekwon performs

If the paranormal children on TV tonight don’t melt our brains, Megan Fox’s hottest moments will.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

NOVA: THE SPY FACTORY
Network: PBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Next to She Spies, this is the most realistic representation of spies on television.

GORDON RAMSEY: COOKALONG LIVE
Network: FOX
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The famous chef cooks LIVE ON TELEVISION and the at home audience is invited to cook along. I don’t know. I’m usually already drunk by 10PM on a Tuesday.

PSYCHIC KIDS: CHILDREN OF THE PARANORMAL
Network: A&E
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: They’d kill us all with mind bullets if we gave them the chance.

MAXIM’S HOTTEST MOMENTS OF 2009
Network: E!
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Maxim and E! count down your penis’s most important moments of 2009.

SHATNER’S RAW NERVE
Network: BIO
Time: 11:30PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Capt Kirk sits down with Scott Baio. Watch as these legendary cocksmen smell one another’s fingers.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Christina Applegate

LETTERMAN
Sarah Jessica Parker; Leona Lewis performs

CONAN
Snooki & The Situation, Norah Jones performs

KIMMEL
Zach Braff; Nigel Lythgoe; Michael McDonald performs

FERGUSON
Kristen Bell; Maria Bello; Jason Schwartzman; Jason Segal and the Broken West perform

FALLON
Marion Cotillard; Jason Reitman; Anne Burrell

Tonight on TV, embarrassing parents and strippers. In other words, smoke and fire.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

THE SING-OFF
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: NBC goes for Glee‘s sloppy seconds with this a cappella competition hosted by Nick Lachey. No disrespect to our Ivy League readers, but a cappella is lame and dull. Then you throw in the vanilla and crappy Nick Lachey to ensure that it’s a suckfest. What are the odds that this will become waaaayyyyy more popular than it has any right to be?

TRUE LIFE: I HAVE EMBARRASSING PARENTS
Network: MTV
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Teens are embarrassed by their outlandish parents. One kid has a Star Wars dad and another a nudist mom. Of course Star Wars Dad could never be a nudist. He hates sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.

WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY?
Network: SUNDANCE
Time: 9 – 10:35PM

Reasons to watch: More importantly, what would you buy Jesus? Dude’s gotta be pretty sick of frankincense by now.
 

MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE
Network: TNT
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Scott Bakula becomes obsessed with finding the driver who nearly ran him over. Imagine being that poor bastard. Having to constantly stay one step ahead of Scott Bakula? That’s no way to live.

INSIDE THE REAL COYOTE UGLY
Network: CMT
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Get an up close and personal look at the turmoil experienced by girls who couldn’t choose between being a bartender or a stripper. Really girls, you’re wearing too many hats. Yes. Take them off. That’s good. Now the t-shirt….

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
James Cameron

LETTERMAN
Hugh Grant; Zoe Saldana; Alicia Keys performs

CONAN
Tom Arnold; Adam Lambert performs

KIMMEL (repeat)
Charlize Theron; Regis Philbin; Donny Osmond; Wolfmother perform

FERGUSON
Joshua Jackson; Lake Bell; Reba McEntire performs

FALLON
Kate Hudson; Giovanni Ribisi; Chevelle perform

^{My eyes are up here, kid.}

This weekend, will Dexter Morgan get his man? Will Deb discover her brother’s secret?? Will we get more "oh sh*t!" moments???

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11th, 2009

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY
Network: USA
Time: 8:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Adam Sandler and Kevin James must pretend to be married to one another in order to keep their health insurance benefits. How does Kevin James always get coupled with love interests way out of his league?

WHERE THE #$&% IS SANTA?
Network: MTV
Time: 10PM – MIDNIGHT

Reasons to watch: Testicle-kicking enthusiast Bam Margera and his band of merry men travel to the Artic Circle to find Santa Claus. Think of all the wasted resources this excursion used. Phil and April, you need to come clean to your son.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Gordon Ramsay

LETTERMAN
Kyra Sedgewick; Brian Scott McFadden; Joe Perry performs

CONAN
Zach Braff; Bear Grylls; Tony Bennett performs

KIMMEL
Ray Romano; Kim Kardashian; the Mighty Mighty Bosstones perform

FERGUSON
Jim Parsons; They Might Be Giants

FALLON
Snoop Dogg; Mary Steenburgen

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12th, 2009

COPS
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Ho! Ho! Ho! Volume 7. Officers in Oregon and Texas encounter men with prostitutes. Keep your eyes peeled for Tiger Woods. His week keeps getting better and better.

GANGS OF NEW YORK
Network: IFC
Time: 8 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Daniel Day Lewis chews the scenery and raw meat in Martin Scorsese’s masterpiece.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13th, 2009

SANTA BABY 2
Network: ABC FAMILY
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Jenny McCarthy, who once bathed in period blood on film, stars in this whimsical holiday tale for the entire family. Talk about an image makeover.
 

DEXTER
Network: SHOWTIME
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Dexter and Trinity showdown in the very-hyped season finale. If this episode doesn’t deliver what fans want, expect the show’s creator to be resting in pieces on the floor of the Atlantic.

Tonight on TV, Zooey Deschanel throws her sister a bone.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

COMMUNITY
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Fresh off biting-his-girlfriend’s-forehead allegations, Anthony Michael Hall guests as a bully on Community. Joel McHale had better wear a helmet.

BONES
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Zooey Deschanel, Emily’s younger sister, guest stars as Brennan’s second cousin. How long before David Boreanaz‘s hot wife has a cameo?
 

BIOGRAPHY: BILL MURRAY
Network: Biography
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The star of Larger Than Life, Osmosis Jones, Garfield, and Get Smart is profiled for all of his achievements.
 

IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: The gang returns to the world of competitive flip cup after a ten-year league ban from the tournament. However all of their old rivals have grown up and moved on. Just like all of my paintball rivals. Except for those guys that were in ‘Nam. Let it go fellas.
 

JERSEY SHORE
Network: MTV
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Ronnie is jealous when Sammi sets her sights on a new guy. Go ahead. Call her mean names but it’s not her fault. No girl is immune to the sweet siren’s caterwaul of TAG Body Spray.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Matt Damon

LETTERMAN
Kate Hudson; James Hansen; Tori Amos performs

CONAN
30 Seconds to Mars perform

KIMMEL
Steven Seagal; Jay Sean performs

FERGUSON
Howie Mandel; Paula Marshall

FALLON
Julianne Moore; David Alan Grier; Blakroc perform

Tonight, Top Chef ends its season and Padma Lakshmi regrettably covers up for the winter.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

GLEE
Network: FOX
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Quinn’s world unravels as sectionals approach. Chill, dude. They’re just sofas.

TOP CHEF: LAS VEGAS
Network: BRAVO
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Season 6 comes to a close tonight and a winner is announced. If Wesley Snipes taught me anything, it’s to always bet on black. Is there a black dude on the show this year? Otherwise, I’m out some money.
 

BARBARA WALTERS PRESENTS: THE 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2009
Network: ABC
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Barbara Walters profiles Tyler Perry, Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert, Brett Favre, Kate Gosselin, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Jenny Sanford, and Michael Jackson‘s kids. In other words, people that my mom will know all about tomorrow morning.
 

CSI: NY
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: A frantic 911 call leads the team to a booby-trapped penthouse and a 100-year-old corpse. Man, that’s a long time. 911 are such slackers.

STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
Network: A&E
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The K-9 Unit is called in. In a perfect world, it would be led by DMX.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Quentin Tarantino

LETTERMAN
Rachel Weisz; Maryjean Ballner; Rob Thomas performs

CONAN
Snoop Dogg; Carl Reiner

KIMMEL
William Shatner; Kirstin McMillan

FERGUSON
Morgan Freeman; Overtone performs

FALLON
Bon Jovi; Susie Essman

Tonight on TV, people who make love to their cars.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC

MY CAR IS MY LOVER
Network: BBC America
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: This special provides a profile of people who are not Michael Bay who have sex with their cars.
 

BETTER OFF TED
Network: ABC
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Season 2 opens with more far-fetched madcap hijinks. Like genetic matchmaking and health care debating.

OUTER SPACE ASTRONAUTS
Network: Syfy
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The new science fiction sitcom grafts the heads of slacker actors on smaller CGI bodies. Because viewers enjoy deformities, I guess?
 

2009 THAT REALLY HAPPENED!?!?
Network: VH1
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: All the foggy details of 2009 are refreshed for your booze-addled memory.
 

BIOGRAPHY: A TRIBUTE TO JOHN CANDY
Network: Biography
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The Notorious B.I.G. of Comedy is remembered in this special.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Gabourey Sadibe

LETTERMAN
Barbara Walters; Blakroc performs

CONAN
Josh Brolin; canine artist Tillie; Chad Daniels

KIMMEL
Paul Reubens; The Jacksons; Passion Pit perform

FERGUSON
Michael Clarke Duncan; Gillian Jacobs; Roseanne Cash performs

FALLON
Tom Ford; Jawbox perform

Andrew Jackson’s checkered past, Santa Claus‘s shady beginnings, and a potential mother-meet on How I Met Your Mother. ALL TONIGHT.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC

SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN
Network: ABC
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: This classic details Santa’s first year on the job as he rises against the evil mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger, who has outlawed all toys. It’s like Batman Begins without the kung-fu and Katie Holmes.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Ted’s friends attempt to help him get a date with JoAnna Garcia. Could she be the aforementioned mother? Otherwise they should call this episode "How I Met The Girl I Porked Before I Met Your Mother."

THE DEPARTED
Network: FX
Time: 8 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: What better way to watch Martin Scorsese’s tense and uber-twisty crime drama than with constant interruptions by Dave Holmes and that blonde chick?

HOARDERS
Network: A&E
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: A woman hoards so much junk that the floors in her house sink and rupture her gas and plumbing lines. In other words, that woman with the junk in the trunk has bad gas.

ANDREW JACKSON: GOOD, EVIL, AND THE PRESIDENCY
Network: PBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: This profile centers on Andrew Jackson’s success in battle and his overseeing of forcefully removing Native Americans from their lands. Wow. Apparently Andrew Jackson was a total dick. In protest, I urge all readers to send me their twenty dollar bills. I’ll have them disposed of properly.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Susan Sarandon; Andrea Bocelli performs with the Muppets

LETTERMAN
Ray Romano; Anna Kendrick

CONAN
Howie Mandel; Deepak Chopra; Michael McDonald performs

KIMMEL (repeat)
Jake Gyllenhaal; Ashley Greene; Honor Society perform

FERGUSON
Wayne Newton; Shirley Manson

FALLON
Jason Bateman; 50 Cent

This weekend, Blake Lively hosts SNL as well as a party in my pants.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

Dollhouse
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Whedonette Summer Glau guest stars in back-to-back episodes set at the D.C Dollhouse. Fox is airing double episodes all this month in an effort to get the series off the air as soon as possible. Like the whole thing never happened.
 

MONK
Network: USA
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The series comes to an end tonight with Monk finally solving his wife’s murder. Were the germs the killer all along? If not, Monk has some real apologizing to do.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Kelsey Grammer

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Al Gore; Brad Paisley performs

CONAN
Rachel McAdams; Diane Birch performs

KIMMEL
Don Rickles; Anika Noni Rose; Band Of Skulls performs

FERGUSON
Emily Blunt; Ed Alonzo; OneRepublic performs

FALLON (repeat)
Fred Armisen; Carey Mulligan; Daniel Boulud

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5th, 2009

SHATNER’S RAW NERVE
Network: Biography
Time: 11PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Comely lass Jenna Jameson is on Shatner’s couch tonight. The mental image that paints has scared my penis into early retirement.

SNL
Network: NBC
Time: 11:30PM – 1AM

Reasons to watch: Hottie McHotstuff Blake Lively hosts. My penis is officially out of retirement.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6th, 2009
 

DEXTER
Network: Showtime
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: This season got off to a mediocre beginning but has turned so f*cking good. Tonight as Deb closes in on him, Trinity turns the tables on Dexter. With only one more episode after this, Dexter had better devise a plan soon if he wants to see Trinity chopped up into little pieces.

ALICE
Network: Syfy
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: In this gritty, modernization of Alice In Wonderland, a young martial arts instructor is pulled into a parallel universe via a magic mirror. I’d only watch if that martial artist was Steven Seagal.

MTV sets Italian-Americans back to pre-Colombus with tonight’s 2-hour premiere of Jersey Shore.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

PARKS AND RECREATION
Network: NBC
Time: 8:30 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Leslie organizes a night out on the town to cheer up Tom after hearing news of his divorce. Alas, only one thing can heal that kind of pain. Egging your wife’s lawyer’s house.

30 ROCK
Network: NBC
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Liz goes Oprah with Dealbreakers, the talkshow. Just keep Tracy Morgan off the couch. I get the feeling he’ll do more than jump on it.

JERSEY SHORE
Network: MTV
Time: 10PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: No joke I write here can elicit the laughs this show will cause. It is the most enjoyable two hours of television in recorded history.
 

IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Dee gets a part in an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Mac and Charlie see this as an opportunity to pitch their own film. Can’t be worse than The Happening.
 

THE LEAGUE
Network: FX
Time: 10:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Ruxin and Taco embark on a mission to Chinatown. Let’s hope this story has a happy ending.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Morgan Freeman

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Tina Fey; Chris "Mad Dog" Russo; Mika performs

CONAN
John Travolta; Rod Stewart performs

KIMMEL
Jake Gyllenhaal; Ashley Greene; Honor Society performs

FERGUSON
George Lopez; David Bianculli; Jason Hudy

FALLON (repeat)
Robin Williams; Rashida Jones
 

Tonight, Steven Seagal takes the law into his own hands. Literally, this time.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

CHRISTMAS IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Jane Krakowski and Zachary Levi host the 77th annual lighting of the Christmas tree. Musical guests include not the Black Eyed Peas, thankfully.

BAD GIRLS CLUB
Network: Oxygen
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Season 4 of Lady Assholes (alt title) opens with seven female assholes moving into a luxury Los Angeles mansion. The carpet will definitely need to be replaced after they leave.

MYTHBUSTERS
Network: Discovery
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The team put a myth about a prisoner who broke out of a steel-reinforced concrete cell using antacids to the test. Hmmm, Antacid Jai Break. Didn’t they play Warped Tour recently?

THE MAKING OF’AVATAR‘
Network: HBO
Time: 9:45 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: James Cameron’s 11 year film making process is glossed over and boiled down to 15 minutes. Burn After Reading follows.
 

STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
Network: A&E
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Steven Seagal brings his unintentional hilarity to the streets of New Orleans, a city that could use a good laugh. And a better school system. And a new mayor.

WHO’S ON LATE

Tonight, scantily-clad supermodels prance about the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Also, the President gives a speech or something.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS TO THE NATION
Network: ALL
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: President Obama outlines "Operation: Exit Stage Left," his strategy to finish the job in Afghanistan.
 

SCRUBS
Network: ABC
Time: 9 – 9:30PM

Reasons to watch: Season nine introduces us to a new generation of half-wit med students. Between this and Patch Adams, I really hope that I never get sick.
 

VICTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Good news and bad news. Good news is boobies. Bad news is somebody invited the Black Eyed Peas to perform. Why are they always ruining my good time?!!
 

SONS OF ANARCHY
Network: F/X
Time: 10 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: SAMCRO takes care of Adam Arkin’s Zobelle once and for all. For those not fluent in Bikernese, that means they’re going to parade around town with his head on a spear.

MY FAKE BABY
Network: BBC
Time: 11PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: This special follows women who care for fake, plastic babies as if they are alive. I’d make a joke here but my pocket vagina would never forgive me.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus; Guy Fieri; Carrie Underwood performs

CONAN
Tobey Maguire; Rickie Lee Jones performs

KIMMEL
Magic Johnson; Kellan Lutz

FERGUSON
Joel McHale; Mike Super; the Swell Season perform

FALLON (repeat)
Kristen Stewart; Jamie Kennedy; the Avet Brothers perform

This Thanksgiving weekend, television is thankful for strippers.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25th, 2009

CRIMINAL MINDS
Network: CBS
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Master of Disguise C. Thomas Howell returns as The Reaper to terrorize Hotch and his family. He could be anyone at anytime. Even a black dude. 

SOUTH PARK
Network: COMEDY CENTRAL
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: The annual Thanksgiving showing of Helen Keller: The Musical! This is my second favorite holiday tradition. My favorite is listening to That Woman Who Was Attacked By A Chimp’s Christmas Album.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Paula Patton

LETTERMAN
Natalie Portman; Adam Lambert performs

CONAN
Norm MacDonald; Gretchen Bleiler; Dan Cummings

KIMMEL
Charles Barkley; Peter Facinelli; Leona Lewis performs

FERGUSON
Robin Wright Penn; Wolfgang Puck

FALLON
Seth Green; Padma Lakshi; Mos Def and Talib Kweli perform

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26th, 2009

CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: The Peanuts Gang warp back to 1620 to portray the Mayflower’s original settlers. Unfortunately Linus’s small pox blanket wipes out the lot of them.

CHARLIE ROSE
Network: PBS
Time: 11PM – MIDNIGHT

Reasons to watch: Kooky nutbar Tim Burton is the guest. Make a drinking game out of it. Shots everytime he says "corpse" or bashfully hides behind his Dracula cowl.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27th, 2009

MONK
Network: USA
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: In the penultimate episode of the series, Monk pieces together clues about his wife’s murder. It only took eight years. Adrien Monk, man of action. 

THE SOUP
Network: E!
Time: 11 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: Joel McHale takes a swing at daytime and reality television‘s low hanging fruit.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28th, 2009

THE INCREDIBLES
Network: NBC
Time: 8:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Disney stops just short of fulfilling every girl’s dream of seeing Craig T. Nelson in a spandex bodysuit. 

THE WRESTLER
Network: HBO
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Mickey Rourke rises back to prominence in his career-reviving role of Mickey Rourke With Long Hair.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30th, 2009

A DOG NAMED CHRISTMAS
Network: CBS
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: A developmentally-disabled boy advocates that everyone in his town adopts a dog for Christmas. Even though his own father is against it. I can’t believe somebody actually had this idea and was moved to write it down. And then Hollywood was compelled to make it. 

CALIFORNICATION
Network: SHOWTIME
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Hank and Charlie get caught up in the middle of a convenience store robbery. How will Hank f*ck his way out of this one?

A winner is crowned on tonight’s Dancing With The "Stars."

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

DANCING WITH THE STARS
Network: ABC
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The night that you can hardly give a crap about is finally here. Who will win? I don’t care. I just find it remarkable that Adam Carolla and the Muppets will inexplicably be appearing in tonight’s episode.
 

NCIS: LOS ANGELES
Network: CBS
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Pauley Perrette crosses over to the Los Angeles team to track a serial killer. I swear that there are more serial killers on CBS dramas than there are in real life.

SONS OF ANARCHY
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Looks like we’re going to have a good old fashioned biker battle. Remember, it’s not over until you piss in the whites of their eyes.
 

JON DORE SHOW
Network: IFC
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Jon Dore fights for all men when he is discriminated against sexually at a Ladies Night event. Jon, dude, don’t be such a spazz. There are girls watching.
 

DINNER WITH THE BAND
Network: IFC
Time: 11 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: This IFC series proves that musicians will never turn down a free meal. Unless it’s Willie Nelson. He weighs less than his guitar.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Charles Barkley

LETTERMAN
Zac Efron; Carrie Fisher; Rihanna performs

CONAN
Jack McBrayer; Marissa Miller; Weezer perform

KIMMEL
Charlize Theron; Regis Philbin; Wolfmother perform

FERGUSON
Maria Bello; Peter Capaldi

FALLON
Claire Danes; Chad Ochocinco; the Pixies perform

This weekend, the Seinfelds reunite!!!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20th, 2009

SMALLVILLE
Network: CW
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Lois reveals what she saw in her flash-forward vision — a Metropolis ruled over by Zod and Clark powerless due to the red sun. This revelation causes Clark to make a big decision about Zod. Ummm, that he’s a dick maybe?

FIRED UP!
Network: Starz
Time: 11PM – 12:35AM

Reasons to watch: Finally a movie that takes the raunch of Euro Trip and combines it with the gravitas of Road Trip: Beer Pong.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Kellan Lutz

LETTERMAN
Viggo Mortenson; Paula Poundstone; Lyle Lovett performs

CONAN
Eva Mendes; Jon Bon Jovi; Bon Jovi performs

KIMMEL
Robert Pattinson; Kristen Stewart; Taylor Lautner; Death Cab for Cutie performs

FERGUSON
Niel Patrick Harris; David Gray performs

FALLON
Joseph Gordon-Levitt; Elvis Costello performs

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21st, 2009

AUSTIN CITY LIMITS
Network: PBS
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Pearl Jam take to the Austin Stage with their arsenal of good time, sunshiney, happy songs.

PAULY SHORE AND FRIENDS
Network: Showtime
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Pauly Shore hosts comics on the LOL Tour. The show includes Iliza Shlesinger, who’s hotness almost makes sitting through Pauly Shore bearable.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22nd, 2009

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Network: HBO
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The Seinfeld Reunion episode that everyone wanted finally airs. I’ve never been this excited to hear mouth-bass.

AMERICAN DAD
Network: FOX
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Stan becomes the world’s biggest My Morning Jacket fan. Better late than never Stan. My Morning Jacket officially jumped the shark.

Tonight on TV, hot chicks and Lucifer – the original douchebag.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

LOCKJAW: RISE OF THE KULEV SERPENT
Network: Syfy
Time: 7:30 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: DMX and a rocket launcher versus a giant snake/alligator monster. Also of note, it clocks in at an hour and a half WITH commercials. We’re talking real quality here you guys.
 

COMMUNITY
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Jeff befriends Señor Chang in an effort to chill him out but the two grow close. ¡Alarma de Bromance!
 

30 ROCK
Network: NBC
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Al Gore guest stars on an episode where Kenneth makes an effort to go green. People still do that? Green is still a thing??? Hmmm, fancy that. ***sips from mug of motor oil***

FRINGE
Network: FOX
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Observer Week comes to a head tonight with this Observer-centric episode. So if you’ve seen any creepy, bald men wearing trechcoats hanging out in your bushes, it’s just part of this marketing stunt. Don’t call the police.

SUPERNATURAL
Network: CW
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Sam and Dean enlist Bobby, Ellen and Jo to help lay the smackdown on Lucifer. And seeing as this is the last new episode of the year, me smells a cliffhanger that will probably have me anxious for January to arrive.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Dakota Fanning

LETTERMAN
Stephen Colbert; John Mayer perfroms

CONAN
Nicole Kidman; Anderson Cooper; Leona Lewis performs

KIMMEL
Carrie Underwood; Heidi and Spencer Pratt

FERGUSON
Sandra Bullock; Ben Foster

FALLON
Taylor Lautner; Katey Sagal; Obits perform

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

CRIMINAL MINDS
Network: CBS
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The team must turn to the most vile killer they have ever encountered, "The Fox", for assistance in tracking a serial killer. Really? He calls himself "The Fox"? That’s dorky even by social outcast standards.

SOUTH PARK
Network: Comedy Central
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: A trip to the water park has apocalyptic repercussions. Let it serve as a warning to all that have ever toiled with the idea of making pee pee in a pool.
 

CSI: NY
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The producers cast rising stars of 1997 for an episode featuring Skeet Ulrich and Nelly. Apparently Coolio was uncharacteristically not available.

THANK YOU FOR SMOKING
Network: USA
Time: 11PM – 1AM

Reasons to watch: Aaron Eckhart perfects the role of sympathetic asshole in Jason Reitman‘s directorial debut. But let’s not overlook the work of Jim Carrey’s butt in Ace Ventura: Rectum Damned Near Killed Him.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Larry the Cable Guy

LETTERMAN
Robert Pattinson; Ray Davies performs

CONAN
Seth Green; Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt; The Brian Setzer Orchestra perform

KIMMEL
Mary Albert; 50 Cent

FERGUSON
David Duchovny; Lewis Black

FALLON
Kristen Stewart; Jamie Kennedy; the Avet Brothers perform

After tonight’s episode of Melrose Place, it will be perfectly acceptable to call Heather Locklear a bitch again. 

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

NCIS
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: During a citywide power blackout the NCISketeers must rely on old-fashioned detective work to solve a murder. Will they be able to catch the killer without the aid of their fancy gadgetry? Hard to say seeing as batteries and generators won’t be invented for another 50 years.

MELROSE PLACE
Network: CW
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Heather Locklear returns to the role that made everyone call her a huge bitch.

PIZZA WARS: NEW YORK VS. CHICAGO
Network: TRAVEL
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Whoever wins… we lose.

THE HILLS
Network: MTV
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Heidi hatches a plan to get pregnant with or without Spencer’s consent. Any volunteers?

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Tyra Banks

LETTERMAN
Penelope Cruz; Joe Cada; a performance by the Script

CONAN
50 Cent; Jane Lynch

KIMMEL
John Stamos; Emily VanCamp; OneRepublic perform

FERGUSON
Woody Harrelson; Joe Theismann

FALLON
Cheech and Chong; Neko Case performs