Tonight, Jessica Simpson’s cleavage makes Dane Cook palatable.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE break

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: A cautionary tale that teaches us all we should be heavily-armed and alert on Christmas.

MAN VS. FISH WITH MATT WALSTON
Network: Discovery
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: This guy hunts marlin in the South Pacific on a jet ski and has to fight off bad weather and killer whales in the process. I don’t even like having to open a Gorton’s fish sticks box.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
Network: Comedy Central
Time: 8:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The race is on for the vagina heart of Jessica Simpson when two workers discover she will more than likely sleep with whomever becomes Employee of the Month at Wal-Mart. That’s an unbelievalbe premise. Remember, this is 2006 Jessica we’re talking about.

STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
Network: A&E
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Steven Seagal helps rebuild a home destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. Sounds tame. When is he going to break someone’s arm??

BIOGRAPHY: JOAQUIN PHEONIX
Network: Biography
Time: 11PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Take an intimate look at the World’s Highest Man.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
The Dan Band

LETTERMAN
Alec Baldwin; Jay Thomas; Darlene Love performs

CONAN
Elijah Wood; Derek Fisher; Dwayne Perkins

KIMMEL (repeat)
Peewee Herman; The Jacksons; Passion Pit performs

FERGUSON
Paris Hilton; chef Jose Andres

FALLON
Joy Behar; Jonny Lee Miller; the Muppets

This weekend Survivor: Samoa begins to wind down, Bruce Campbell saves the day, and an elephant gets cut in half.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

SANCTUARY
Network: Syfy
Time: 10 -11PM

Reasons to watch: The character of Nikola Tesla appears. Isn’t that an awesome name? It’s the most rock-and-roll scientist name out there.
 

CRASH
Network: Showtime
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The season two finale features a showdown with Manson fanatics. They have those? Still?? In this day and age??? Is Crash about racism or time-traveling racists? I don’t have Showtime so I don’t know.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Glenn Beck

LETTERMAN
Tobey Maguire; Tom Dreesen; Alicia Keys performs

CONAN
Sam Worthington; Nigel Marvin; Foreigner perform

KIMMEL
John Krasinski; James Cameron; Mary J. Blige performs

FERGUSON
Judi Dench; Michelle Rodriguez

FALLON
Jude Law; Abby Elliot; Ronnie Spector performs

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19th, 2009

MY NAME IS BRUCE
Network: Syfy
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: This is a movie about Bruce Campbell saving a small town from evil. Not some cheesy Lifetime Television movie about Bruce Campbell overcoming rape, as the title would suggest.

RAW ANATOMY: INSIDE THE ELEPHANT
Network: National Geographic Channel
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: This is your last chance of the decade to see an elephant chopped in two.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20th, 2009

SURVIVOR: SAMOA
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: The jury members cast their votes for the winners. I still think they’re crazy for going there. Samoans are virtuall unstoppable. They’re like Pan-Asian RoboCops. Did the cast members think they’d make it out of there without being boiled in a huge-ass cauldron?

DOMINION: PREQUEL TO THE EXORCIST
Network: Syfy
Time: 9 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: Not to be confused with Exorcist: The Beginning. This is the OTHER crappy Exorcist prequel.

Tonight on Jersey Shore, Snooki learns the importance of a clean clock.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

SNL PRESENTS: A VERY GILLY CHRISTMAS
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Kristen Wiig makes noises in between classic holiday-themed sketches from throughout the long-running series.

AMERICAN CHOPPER
Network: TLC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Mikey returns from rehab while the guys make a bike for pool legend The Black Widow. Mikey should have an easy time getting healthy. He seems to be from a healthy, loving family.

JERSEY SHORE
Network: MTV
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Tonight, Snooki gets fist pumped in her grill piece.

THE MENTALIST
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Jane gets hit in the head by a foul ball which brings back memories of his father. What memories would a ball to his chin bring back?

THE KARATE KID PART III
Network: VS.
Time: 11PM – 1:30AM

Reasons to watch: This is the one with leg sweeps and bonzai plants.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Sam Worthington; Mary J. Blige performs

LETTERMAN
Jude Law; Shannon Eis; Matisyahu performs

CONAN
John Krasinski; Robin Thicke performs

KIMMEL
Rachel McAdams; Johnny Galecki; Allison Iraheta

FERGUSON
Sigourney Weaver; Hank Stuever

FALLON
Paul Shaffer; Boyz II Men

Tonight on TV, Jesse "The Body" Ventura wrestles hypocrisy and Kim Kardashian does whatever it is she does.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

CONSPIRACY THEORY WITH JESSE VENTURA
Network: truTV
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Jesse "The Body" Ventura attempts to disprove the official 9/11 report. Elsewhere, British Bulldog maintains that the Royal Family murdered Princess Diana.

DWARF ADOPTION STORY
Network: TLC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: A dwarf couple tries to adopt a dwarf infant from Albania. It’s just like an average adoption story except this time the furniture is tiny.

REAL WORLD / ROAD RULES CHALLENGE: THE RUINS REUNION
Network: MTV
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The Douchebag Olympians reflect upon their time spent in The Ruins. Then they call each other "bitch" a lot.

NIP/TUCK
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The Nips (still figuring out a better name) are embroiled in an ethical dilemma when they are asked to remove fat from a death row inmate. Hey! That fat did the crime and now has to do the time.

CSI:NY
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Kim Kardashian guest stars. Finally there’s an ass bigger than David Caruso in the CSI universe.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Sigourney Weaver

LETTERMAN
Robert Downey Jr.; Martin Short; Kris Allen performs

CONAN
Wanda Sykes; James Cameron; Myq Kaplan

KIMMEL
Ty Pennington; chicken whisperer Joshua McCarthy; Norah Jones performs

FERGUSON
Bob Barker; Greta Van Susteren

FALLON
Sarah Jessica Parker; Deepak Chopra; Raekwon performs

If the paranormal children on TV tonight don’t melt our brains, Megan Fox’s hottest moments will.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

NOVA: THE SPY FACTORY
Network: PBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Next to She Spies, this is the most realistic representation of spies on television.

GORDON RAMSEY: COOKALONG LIVE
Network: FOX
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The famous chef cooks LIVE ON TELEVISION and the at home audience is invited to cook along. I don’t know. I’m usually already drunk by 10PM on a Tuesday.

PSYCHIC KIDS: CHILDREN OF THE PARANORMAL
Network: A&E
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: They’d kill us all with mind bullets if we gave them the chance.

MAXIM’S HOTTEST MOMENTS OF 2009
Network: E!
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Maxim and E! count down your penis’s most important moments of 2009.

SHATNER’S RAW NERVE
Network: BIO
Time: 11:30PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Capt Kirk sits down with Scott Baio. Watch as these legendary cocksmen smell one another’s fingers.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Christina Applegate

LETTERMAN
Sarah Jessica Parker; Leona Lewis performs

CONAN
Snooki & The Situation, Norah Jones performs

KIMMEL
Zach Braff; Nigel Lythgoe; Michael McDonald performs

FERGUSON
Kristen Bell; Maria Bello; Jason Schwartzman; Jason Segal and the Broken West perform

FALLON
Marion Cotillard; Jason Reitman; Anne Burrell

Tonight on TV, embarrassing parents and strippers. In other words, smoke and fire.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

THE SING-OFF
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: NBC goes for Glee‘s sloppy seconds with this a cappella competition hosted by Nick Lachey. No disrespect to our Ivy League readers, but a cappella is lame and dull. Then you throw in the vanilla and crappy Nick Lachey to ensure that it’s a suckfest. What are the odds that this will become waaaayyyyy more popular than it has any right to be?

TRUE LIFE: I HAVE EMBARRASSING PARENTS
Network: MTV
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Teens are embarrassed by their outlandish parents. One kid has a Star Wars dad and another a nudist mom. Of course Star Wars Dad could never be a nudist. He hates sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.

WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY?
Network: SUNDANCE
Time: 9 – 10:35PM

Reasons to watch: More importantly, what would you buy Jesus? Dude’s gotta be pretty sick of frankincense by now.
 

MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE
Network: TNT
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Scott Bakula becomes obsessed with finding the driver who nearly ran him over. Imagine being that poor bastard. Having to constantly stay one step ahead of Scott Bakula? That’s no way to live.

INSIDE THE REAL COYOTE UGLY
Network: CMT
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Get an up close and personal look at the turmoil experienced by girls who couldn’t choose between being a bartender or a stripper. Really girls, you’re wearing too many hats. Yes. Take them off. That’s good. Now the t-shirt….

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
James Cameron

LETTERMAN
Hugh Grant; Zoe Saldana; Alicia Keys performs

CONAN
Tom Arnold; Adam Lambert performs

KIMMEL (repeat)
Charlize Theron; Regis Philbin; Donny Osmond; Wolfmother perform

FERGUSON
Joshua Jackson; Lake Bell; Reba McEntire performs

FALLON
Kate Hudson; Giovanni Ribisi; Chevelle perform

^{My eyes are up here, kid.}

This weekend, will Dexter Morgan get his man? Will Deb discover her brother’s secret?? Will we get more "oh sh*t!" moments???

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11th, 2009

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY
Network: USA
Time: 8:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Adam Sandler and Kevin James must pretend to be married to one another in order to keep their health insurance benefits. How does Kevin James always get coupled with love interests way out of his league?

WHERE THE #$&% IS SANTA?
Network: MTV
Time: 10PM – MIDNIGHT

Reasons to watch: Testicle-kicking enthusiast Bam Margera and his band of merry men travel to the Artic Circle to find Santa Claus. Think of all the wasted resources this excursion used. Phil and April, you need to come clean to your son.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Gordon Ramsay

LETTERMAN
Kyra Sedgewick; Brian Scott McFadden; Joe Perry performs

CONAN
Zach Braff; Bear Grylls; Tony Bennett performs

KIMMEL
Ray Romano; Kim Kardashian; the Mighty Mighty Bosstones perform

FERGUSON
Jim Parsons; They Might Be Giants

FALLON
Snoop Dogg; Mary Steenburgen

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12th, 2009

COPS
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Ho! Ho! Ho! Volume 7. Officers in Oregon and Texas encounter men with prostitutes. Keep your eyes peeled for Tiger Woods. His week keeps getting better and better.

GANGS OF NEW YORK
Network: IFC
Time: 8 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Daniel Day Lewis chews the scenery and raw meat in Martin Scorsese’s masterpiece.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13th, 2009

SANTA BABY 2
Network: ABC FAMILY
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Jenny McCarthy, who once bathed in period blood on film, stars in this whimsical holiday tale for the entire family. Talk about an image makeover.
 

DEXTER
Network: SHOWTIME
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Dexter and Trinity showdown in the very-hyped season finale. If this episode doesn’t deliver what fans want, expect the show’s creator to be resting in pieces on the floor of the Atlantic.

Tonight on TV, Zooey Deschanel throws her sister a bone.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

COMMUNITY
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Fresh off biting-his-girlfriend’s-forehead allegations, Anthony Michael Hall guests as a bully on Community. Joel McHale had better wear a helmet.

BONES
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Zooey Deschanel, Emily’s younger sister, guest stars as Brennan’s second cousin. How long before David Boreanaz‘s hot wife has a cameo?
 

BIOGRAPHY: BILL MURRAY
Network: Biography
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The star of Larger Than Life, Osmosis Jones, Garfield, and Get Smart is profiled for all of his achievements.
 

IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: The gang returns to the world of competitive flip cup after a ten-year league ban from the tournament. However all of their old rivals have grown up and moved on. Just like all of my paintball rivals. Except for those guys that were in ‘Nam. Let it go fellas.
 

JERSEY SHORE
Network: MTV
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Ronnie is jealous when Sammi sets her sights on a new guy. Go ahead. Call her mean names but it’s not her fault. No girl is immune to the sweet siren’s caterwaul of TAG Body Spray.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Matt Damon

LETTERMAN
Kate Hudson; James Hansen; Tori Amos performs

CONAN
30 Seconds to Mars perform

KIMMEL
Steven Seagal; Jay Sean performs

FERGUSON
Howie Mandel; Paula Marshall

FALLON
Julianne Moore; David Alan Grier; Blakroc perform

Tonight, Top Chef ends its season and Padma Lakshmi regrettably covers up for the winter.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

GLEE
Network: FOX
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Quinn’s world unravels as sectionals approach. Chill, dude. They’re just sofas.

TOP CHEF: LAS VEGAS
Network: BRAVO
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Season 6 comes to a close tonight and a winner is announced. If Wesley Snipes taught me anything, it’s to always bet on black. Is there a black dude on the show this year? Otherwise, I’m out some money.
 

BARBARA WALTERS PRESENTS: THE 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2009
Network: ABC
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Barbara Walters profiles Tyler Perry, Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert, Brett Favre, Kate Gosselin, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Jenny Sanford, and Michael Jackson‘s kids. In other words, people that my mom will know all about tomorrow morning.
 

CSI: NY
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: A frantic 911 call leads the team to a booby-trapped penthouse and a 100-year-old corpse. Man, that’s a long time. 911 are such slackers.

STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
Network: A&E
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The K-9 Unit is called in. In a perfect world, it would be led by DMX.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Quentin Tarantino

LETTERMAN
Rachel Weisz; Maryjean Ballner; Rob Thomas performs

CONAN
Snoop Dogg; Carl Reiner

KIMMEL
William Shatner; Kirstin McMillan

FERGUSON
Morgan Freeman; Overtone performs

FALLON
Bon Jovi; Susie Essman

Tonight on TV, people who make love to their cars.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC

MY CAR IS MY LOVER
Network: BBC America
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: This special provides a profile of people who are not Michael Bay who have sex with their cars.
 

BETTER OFF TED
Network: ABC
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Season 2 opens with more far-fetched madcap hijinks. Like genetic matchmaking and health care debating.

OUTER SPACE ASTRONAUTS
Network: Syfy
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The new science fiction sitcom grafts the heads of slacker actors on smaller CGI bodies. Because viewers enjoy deformities, I guess?
 

2009 THAT REALLY HAPPENED!?!?
Network: VH1
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: All the foggy details of 2009 are refreshed for your booze-addled memory.
 

BIOGRAPHY: A TRIBUTE TO JOHN CANDY
Network: Biography
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The Notorious B.I.G. of Comedy is remembered in this special.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Gabourey Sadibe

LETTERMAN
Barbara Walters; Blakroc performs

CONAN
Josh Brolin; canine artist Tillie; Chad Daniels

KIMMEL
Paul Reubens; The Jacksons; Passion Pit perform

FERGUSON
Michael Clarke Duncan; Gillian Jacobs; Roseanne Cash performs

FALLON
Tom Ford; Jawbox perform

Andrew Jackson’s checkered past, Santa Claus‘s shady beginnings, and a potential mother-meet on How I Met Your Mother. ALL TONIGHT.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC

SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN
Network: ABC
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: This classic details Santa’s first year on the job as he rises against the evil mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger, who has outlawed all toys. It’s like Batman Begins without the kung-fu and Katie Holmes.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Ted’s friends attempt to help him get a date with JoAnna Garcia. Could she be the aforementioned mother? Otherwise they should call this episode "How I Met The Girl I Porked Before I Met Your Mother."

THE DEPARTED
Network: FX
Time: 8 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: What better way to watch Martin Scorsese’s tense and uber-twisty crime drama than with constant interruptions by Dave Holmes and that blonde chick?

HOARDERS
Network: A&E
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: A woman hoards so much junk that the floors in her house sink and rupture her gas and plumbing lines. In other words, that woman with the junk in the trunk has bad gas.

ANDREW JACKSON: GOOD, EVIL, AND THE PRESIDENCY
Network: PBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: This profile centers on Andrew Jackson’s success in battle and his overseeing of forcefully removing Native Americans from their lands. Wow. Apparently Andrew Jackson was a total dick. In protest, I urge all readers to send me their twenty dollar bills. I’ll have them disposed of properly.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Susan Sarandon; Andrea Bocelli performs with the Muppets

LETTERMAN
Ray Romano; Anna Kendrick

CONAN
Howie Mandel; Deepak Chopra; Michael McDonald performs

KIMMEL (repeat)
Jake Gyllenhaal; Ashley Greene; Honor Society perform

FERGUSON
Wayne Newton; Shirley Manson

FALLON
Jason Bateman; 50 Cent

This weekend, Blake Lively hosts SNL as well as a party in my pants.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

Dollhouse
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Whedonette Summer Glau guest stars in back-to-back episodes set at the D.C Dollhouse. Fox is airing double episodes all this month in an effort to get the series off the air as soon as possible. Like the whole thing never happened.
 

MONK
Network: USA
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The series comes to an end tonight with Monk finally solving his wife’s murder. Were the germs the killer all along? If not, Monk has some real apologizing to do.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Kelsey Grammer

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Al Gore; Brad Paisley performs

CONAN
Rachel McAdams; Diane Birch performs

KIMMEL
Don Rickles; Anika Noni Rose; Band Of Skulls performs

FERGUSON
Emily Blunt; Ed Alonzo; OneRepublic performs

FALLON (repeat)
Fred Armisen; Carey Mulligan; Daniel Boulud

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5th, 2009

SHATNER’S RAW NERVE
Network: Biography
Time: 11PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Comely lass Jenna Jameson is on Shatner’s couch tonight. The mental image that paints has scared my penis into early retirement.

SNL
Network: NBC
Time: 11:30PM – 1AM

Reasons to watch: Hottie McHotstuff Blake Lively hosts. My penis is officially out of retirement.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6th, 2009
 

DEXTER
Network: Showtime
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: This season got off to a mediocre beginning but has turned so f*cking good. Tonight as Deb closes in on him, Trinity turns the tables on Dexter. With only one more episode after this, Dexter had better devise a plan soon if he wants to see Trinity chopped up into little pieces.

ALICE
Network: Syfy
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: In this gritty, modernization of Alice In Wonderland, a young martial arts instructor is pulled into a parallel universe via a magic mirror. I’d only watch if that martial artist was Steven Seagal.

MTV sets Italian-Americans back to pre-Colombus with tonight’s 2-hour premiere of Jersey Shore.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

PARKS AND RECREATION
Network: NBC
Time: 8:30 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Leslie organizes a night out on the town to cheer up Tom after hearing news of his divorce. Alas, only one thing can heal that kind of pain. Egging your wife’s lawyer’s house.

30 ROCK
Network: NBC
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Liz goes Oprah with Dealbreakers, the talkshow. Just keep Tracy Morgan off the couch. I get the feeling he’ll do more than jump on it.

JERSEY SHORE
Network: MTV
Time: 10PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: No joke I write here can elicit the laughs this show will cause. It is the most enjoyable two hours of television in recorded history.
 

IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Dee gets a part in an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Mac and Charlie see this as an opportunity to pitch their own film. Can’t be worse than The Happening.
 

THE LEAGUE
Network: FX
Time: 10:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Ruxin and Taco embark on a mission to Chinatown. Let’s hope this story has a happy ending.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Morgan Freeman

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Tina Fey; Chris "Mad Dog" Russo; Mika performs

CONAN
John Travolta; Rod Stewart performs

KIMMEL
Jake Gyllenhaal; Ashley Greene; Honor Society performs

FERGUSON
George Lopez; David Bianculli; Jason Hudy

FALLON (repeat)
Robin Williams; Rashida Jones
 

Tonight, Steven Seagal takes the law into his own hands. Literally, this time.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

CHRISTMAS IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Jane Krakowski and Zachary Levi host the 77th annual lighting of the Christmas tree. Musical guests include not the Black Eyed Peas, thankfully.

BAD GIRLS CLUB
Network: Oxygen
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Season 4 of Lady Assholes (alt title) opens with seven female assholes moving into a luxury Los Angeles mansion. The carpet will definitely need to be replaced after they leave.

MYTHBUSTERS
Network: Discovery
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The team put a myth about a prisoner who broke out of a steel-reinforced concrete cell using antacids to the test. Hmmm, Antacid Jai Break. Didn’t they play Warped Tour recently?

THE MAKING OF’AVATAR‘
Network: HBO
Time: 9:45 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: James Cameron’s 11 year film making process is glossed over and boiled down to 15 minutes. Burn After Reading follows.
 

STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
Network: A&E
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Steven Seagal brings his unintentional hilarity to the streets of New Orleans, a city that could use a good laugh. And a better school system. And a new mayor.

WHO’S ON LATE

Tonight, scantily-clad supermodels prance about the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Also, the President gives a speech or something.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS TO THE NATION
Network: ALL
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: President Obama outlines "Operation: Exit Stage Left," his strategy to finish the job in Afghanistan.
 

SCRUBS
Network: ABC
Time: 9 – 9:30PM

Reasons to watch: Season nine introduces us to a new generation of half-wit med students. Between this and Patch Adams, I really hope that I never get sick.
 

VICTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Good news and bad news. Good news is boobies. Bad news is somebody invited the Black Eyed Peas to perform. Why are they always ruining my good time?!!
 

SONS OF ANARCHY
Network: F/X
Time: 10 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: SAMCRO takes care of Adam Arkin’s Zobelle once and for all. For those not fluent in Bikernese, that means they’re going to parade around town with his head on a spear.

MY FAKE BABY
Network: BBC
Time: 11PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: This special follows women who care for fake, plastic babies as if they are alive. I’d make a joke here but my pocket vagina would never forgive me.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus; Guy Fieri; Carrie Underwood performs

CONAN
Tobey Maguire; Rickie Lee Jones performs

KIMMEL
Magic Johnson; Kellan Lutz

FERGUSON
Joel McHale; Mike Super; the Swell Season perform

FALLON (repeat)
Kristen Stewart; Jamie Kennedy; the Avet Brothers perform

This Thanksgiving weekend, television is thankful for strippers.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25th, 2009

CRIMINAL MINDS
Network: CBS
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Master of Disguise C. Thomas Howell returns as The Reaper to terrorize Hotch and his family. He could be anyone at anytime. Even a black dude. 

SOUTH PARK
Network: COMEDY CENTRAL
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: The annual Thanksgiving showing of Helen Keller: The Musical! This is my second favorite holiday tradition. My favorite is listening to That Woman Who Was Attacked By A Chimp’s Christmas Album.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Paula Patton

LETTERMAN
Natalie Portman; Adam Lambert performs

CONAN
Norm MacDonald; Gretchen Bleiler; Dan Cummings

KIMMEL
Charles Barkley; Peter Facinelli; Leona Lewis performs

FERGUSON
Robin Wright Penn; Wolfgang Puck

FALLON
Seth Green; Padma Lakshi; Mos Def and Talib Kweli perform

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26th, 2009

CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: The Peanuts Gang warp back to 1620 to portray the Mayflower’s original settlers. Unfortunately Linus’s small pox blanket wipes out the lot of them.

CHARLIE ROSE
Network: PBS
Time: 11PM – MIDNIGHT

Reasons to watch: Kooky nutbar Tim Burton is the guest. Make a drinking game out of it. Shots everytime he says "corpse" or bashfully hides behind his Dracula cowl.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27th, 2009

MONK
Network: USA
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: In the penultimate episode of the series, Monk pieces together clues about his wife’s murder. It only took eight years. Adrien Monk, man of action. 

THE SOUP
Network: E!
Time: 11 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: Joel McHale takes a swing at daytime and reality television‘s low hanging fruit.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28th, 2009

THE INCREDIBLES
Network: NBC
Time: 8:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Disney stops just short of fulfilling every girl’s dream of seeing Craig T. Nelson in a spandex bodysuit. 

THE WRESTLER
Network: HBO
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Mickey Rourke rises back to prominence in his career-reviving role of Mickey Rourke With Long Hair.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30th, 2009

A DOG NAMED CHRISTMAS
Network: CBS
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: A developmentally-disabled boy advocates that everyone in his town adopts a dog for Christmas. Even though his own father is against it. I can’t believe somebody actually had this idea and was moved to write it down. And then Hollywood was compelled to make it. 

CALIFORNICATION
Network: SHOWTIME
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Hank and Charlie get caught up in the middle of a convenience store robbery. How will Hank f*ck his way out of this one?

A winner is crowned on tonight’s Dancing With The "Stars."

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

DANCING WITH THE STARS
Network: ABC
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The night that you can hardly give a crap about is finally here. Who will win? I don’t care. I just find it remarkable that Adam Carolla and the Muppets will inexplicably be appearing in tonight’s episode.
 

NCIS: LOS ANGELES
Network: CBS
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Pauley Perrette crosses over to the Los Angeles team to track a serial killer. I swear that there are more serial killers on CBS dramas than there are in real life.

SONS OF ANARCHY
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Looks like we’re going to have a good old fashioned biker battle. Remember, it’s not over until you piss in the whites of their eyes.
 

JON DORE SHOW
Network: IFC
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Jon Dore fights for all men when he is discriminated against sexually at a Ladies Night event. Jon, dude, don’t be such a spazz. There are girls watching.
 

DINNER WITH THE BAND
Network: IFC
Time: 11 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: This IFC series proves that musicians will never turn down a free meal. Unless it’s Willie Nelson. He weighs less than his guitar.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Charles Barkley

LETTERMAN
Zac Efron; Carrie Fisher; Rihanna performs

CONAN
Jack McBrayer; Marissa Miller; Weezer perform

KIMMEL
Charlize Theron; Regis Philbin; Wolfmother perform

FERGUSON
Maria Bello; Peter Capaldi

FALLON
Claire Danes; Chad Ochocinco; the Pixies perform

This weekend, the Seinfelds reunite!!!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20th, 2009

SMALLVILLE
Network: CW
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Lois reveals what she saw in her flash-forward vision — a Metropolis ruled over by Zod and Clark powerless due to the red sun. This revelation causes Clark to make a big decision about Zod. Ummm, that he’s a dick maybe?

FIRED UP!
Network: Starz
Time: 11PM – 12:35AM

Reasons to watch: Finally a movie that takes the raunch of Euro Trip and combines it with the gravitas of Road Trip: Beer Pong.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Kellan Lutz

LETTERMAN
Viggo Mortenson; Paula Poundstone; Lyle Lovett performs

CONAN
Eva Mendes; Jon Bon Jovi; Bon Jovi performs

KIMMEL
Robert Pattinson; Kristen Stewart; Taylor Lautner; Death Cab for Cutie performs

FERGUSON
Niel Patrick Harris; David Gray performs

FALLON
Joseph Gordon-Levitt; Elvis Costello performs

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21st, 2009

AUSTIN CITY LIMITS
Network: PBS
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Pearl Jam take to the Austin Stage with their arsenal of good time, sunshiney, happy songs.

PAULY SHORE AND FRIENDS
Network: Showtime
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Pauly Shore hosts comics on the LOL Tour. The show includes Iliza Shlesinger, who’s hotness almost makes sitting through Pauly Shore bearable.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22nd, 2009

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Network: HBO
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The Seinfeld Reunion episode that everyone wanted finally airs. I’ve never been this excited to hear mouth-bass.

AMERICAN DAD
Network: FOX
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Stan becomes the world’s biggest My Morning Jacket fan. Better late than never Stan. My Morning Jacket officially jumped the shark.

Tonight on TV, hot chicks and Lucifer – the original douchebag.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

LOCKJAW: RISE OF THE KULEV SERPENT
Network: Syfy
Time: 7:30 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: DMX and a rocket launcher versus a giant snake/alligator monster. Also of note, it clocks in at an hour and a half WITH commercials. We’re talking real quality here you guys.
 

COMMUNITY
Network: NBC
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Jeff befriends Señor Chang in an effort to chill him out but the two grow close. ¡Alarma de Bromance!
 

30 ROCK
Network: NBC
Time: 9:30 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Al Gore guest stars on an episode where Kenneth makes an effort to go green. People still do that? Green is still a thing??? Hmmm, fancy that. ***sips from mug of motor oil***

FRINGE
Network: FOX
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Observer Week comes to a head tonight with this Observer-centric episode. So if you’ve seen any creepy, bald men wearing trechcoats hanging out in your bushes, it’s just part of this marketing stunt. Don’t call the police.

SUPERNATURAL
Network: CW
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Sam and Dean enlist Bobby, Ellen and Jo to help lay the smackdown on Lucifer. And seeing as this is the last new episode of the year, me smells a cliffhanger that will probably have me anxious for January to arrive.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Dakota Fanning

LETTERMAN
Stephen Colbert; John Mayer perfroms

CONAN
Nicole Kidman; Anderson Cooper; Leona Lewis performs

KIMMEL
Carrie Underwood; Heidi and Spencer Pratt

FERGUSON
Sandra Bullock; Ben Foster

FALLON
Taylor Lautner; Katey Sagal; Obits perform

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

CRIMINAL MINDS
Network: CBS
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The team must turn to the most vile killer they have ever encountered, "The Fox", for assistance in tracking a serial killer. Really? He calls himself "The Fox"? That’s dorky even by social outcast standards.

SOUTH PARK
Network: Comedy Central
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: A trip to the water park has apocalyptic repercussions. Let it serve as a warning to all that have ever toiled with the idea of making pee pee in a pool.
 

CSI: NY
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The producers cast rising stars of 1997 for an episode featuring Skeet Ulrich and Nelly. Apparently Coolio was uncharacteristically not available.

THANK YOU FOR SMOKING
Network: USA
Time: 11PM – 1AM

Reasons to watch: Aaron Eckhart perfects the role of sympathetic asshole in Jason Reitman‘s directorial debut. But let’s not overlook the work of Jim Carrey’s butt in Ace Ventura: Rectum Damned Near Killed Him.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Larry the Cable Guy

LETTERMAN
Robert Pattinson; Ray Davies performs

CONAN
Seth Green; Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt; The Brian Setzer Orchestra perform

KIMMEL
Mary Albert; 50 Cent

FERGUSON
David Duchovny; Lewis Black

FALLON
Kristen Stewart; Jamie Kennedy; the Avet Brothers perform

After tonight’s episode of Melrose Place, it will be perfectly acceptable to call Heather Locklear a bitch again. 

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

NCIS
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: During a citywide power blackout the NCISketeers must rely on old-fashioned detective work to solve a murder. Will they be able to catch the killer without the aid of their fancy gadgetry? Hard to say seeing as batteries and generators won’t be invented for another 50 years.

MELROSE PLACE
Network: CW
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Heather Locklear returns to the role that made everyone call her a huge bitch.

PIZZA WARS: NEW YORK VS. CHICAGO
Network: TRAVEL
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Whoever wins… we lose.

THE HILLS
Network: MTV
Time: 10 – 10:30PM

Reasons to watch: Heidi hatches a plan to get pregnant with or without Spencer’s consent. Any volunteers?

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Tyra Banks

LETTERMAN
Penelope Cruz; Joe Cada; a performance by the Script

CONAN
50 Cent; Jane Lynch

KIMMEL
John Stamos; Emily VanCamp; OneRepublic perform

FERGUSON
Woody Harrelson; Joe Theismann

FALLON
Cheech and Chong; Neko Case performs

Tonight is all about short, horny, crazy people. It’s Verne Troyer Day!!!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

THE OFFICE
Network: NBC
Time: 9 – 9:30PM

Reasons to watch: Michael’s mental state is questioned and Andy screws up in his attempts to woo Erin. Weird. I always thought A Cappella guys got all the girls. I’m totally quitting The Gold Throats.

FRINGE
Network: FOX
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The team deals with a hostage situation which they find has a connection to Massive Dynamic. Hostage situations may seem like big inconveniences but they are an excellent source of free pizza.
 

SUPERNATURAL
Network: CW
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The Wincheste Brothers are tricked into attending a Supernatural convention based on the stories that are based on their lives. It’s a hokey good time until a ghost shows up and they must spring into action. Lately the plotlines on this show have seemed so corny on paper but somehow each are executed perfectly. Tonight should be no exception.

SEX REHAB WITH DR. DREW
Network: VH1
Time: 11PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Dr. Drew tries to ruin all of our favorite hornball celebrities. YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE, DREW!!

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Penelope Cruz

LETTERMAN
Amanda Peet; scientist kids; The Cribs perform

CONAN
Al Gore; Jason Mraz performs

KIMMEL
Eric Dane; Streeter Seidell and Amir Blumenfeld; Switchfoot performs

FERGUSON
Paula Marshall; Nick Griffin; Trace Adkins performs

FALLON
Kate Walsh; Penn and Teller; Goodie Mob performs

Tonight on TV we have cavemen, criminals, and trustafarians. Evolution has not been pretty.

NOVA: BECOMING HUMAN
Network: PBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: You need to tune into this before you can fully appreciate the Pauly Shore / Brendan Fraser classic, Encino Man.

INDEPENDENT LENS
Network: PBS
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Follows Rogue Wave drummer on tour while he deals with a failing kidney and finding a donor. Features performances by Death Cab for Cutie’s Ben Gibbard, Nada Surf, and John Vanderslice. The only rock stars clean enough to have kidneys suitable for transplant.

SONS OF ANARCHY
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 11:30PM

Reasons to watch: The FBI closes in on SAMCRO’s repo business. It’s getting harder and harder to earn a dishonest, violence-based buck these days.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Owen Benjamin

LETTERMAN
Jack Hanna; Shakira performs

CONAN
Jessica Biel; Super Dave Osbourne; John Fogerty performs

KIMMEL
Bill Simmons; Dancing With The Stars cast-off; Amerie performs

FERGUSON
Adam Arkin; Nina Garcia

FALLON
Troy Polamalu; Wale performs

This weekend, Mad Men wraps it up and Taylor Swift hosts SNL. Kenan, get to work on your Fat Kanye.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC

PITBULLS AND PAROLEES
Network: Animal Planet
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: A group of Renaissance-fair actors want to add a dog to their skitches. This is your best chance of seeing a jester get his nuts bit tonight. You’d be a fool to pass it up.

LIVE AT GOTHAM
Network: Comedy Central
Time: 11PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: The very funn Paul F. Tompkins hosts the very funny Nick Kroll and a slew of other talented comics. How funny could it be? Think of how mad The Jeff Dunham Show makes you feel. This will make you feel the opposite of that.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Elizabeth Banks

LETTERMAN
Ricky Gervais; Brian Regan; Ralph Stanley and the Clinch Mountain Boys perform

CONAN
The Young Scientist Challenge Winner and finalists; The Pixies perform

KIMMEL
Ted Danson; hastily-married couple Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom; hastily-formed band Chickenfoot performs

FERGUSON
Ewan McGregor; Regina Spektor performs

FALLON
Rosie O’Donnell; Ian Somerhalder; Joshua Topolsky

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7th, 2009
 

AUSTIN CITY LIMITS
Network: PBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Bespectacled Brit Elvis Costello croons on the Austin stage. And then local heroes the Band of Heathens wash the taste of England out of our mouths with their Americana jangly geetars.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Network: NBC
Time: 11:30PM – 1AM

Reasons to watch: Taylor Swift hosts and performs. We’re all really happy for her.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8th, 2009

FAMILY GUY
Network: Fox
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Peter goes around kicking everyone after watching Road House. I can totally relate. I wore ladies underpants for years after seeing To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. Aw dammit, diarrhea of the mouth again. Where’s the backspace key on this infernal machine?

MAD MEN
Network: AMC
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch:Break out the chip n’ dip and enjoy an Old Fashioned as you view the third season finale. Once finished, stow your retro 60′s kitsch fancies away in the back of your closet until next season. And then dust off your Dharma Initiative flatware for January’s Lost premiere.