Screen Junkies » true blood recap http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Mon, 22 Sep 2014 16:08:29 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 ‘True Blood’ Recap: Evil Is Going On S3E12 http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-evil-is-going-on-s3e12/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-evil-is-going-on-s3e12/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Previously on "True Blood," we found out that Sookie's part fairy. We found out Crystal's a werepanther. Jason promised to help Crystal save her crystal meth commune. Sam flashbacked on his life of crime and kicked Tommy out. Tommy broke into Sam's safe. Arlene attempted a mystical abortion (unsuccessful). Lafayette got Jesus into V. Jess got back together with Hoyt, who let her feed off of him. And Eric tricked Russell into the sunlight, (potentially) sacrificing himself to kill The King. Onto the season finale of "True Blood." More after the jump...

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Previously on "True Blood," we found out that Sookie’s part fairy. We found out Crystal’s a werepanther. Jason promised to help Crystal save her crystal meth commune. Sam flashbacked on his life of crime and kicked Tommy out. Tommy broke into Sam’s safe. Arlene attempted a mystical abortion (unsuccessful). Lafayette got Jesus into V. Jess got back together with Hoyt, who let her feed off of him. And Eric tricked Russell into the sunlight, (potentially) sacrificing himself to kill The King. Onto the season finale of "True Blood."

More after the jump…

We start with Eric and Russell burning to death under the son. Eric sees Godric who begs Eric to forgive Russell and to give up hate. We all find peace in the afterlife, he tells Eric.

Sookie gains consciousness, argues with Bill, and then runs outside to help Eric. She struggles with the handcuffs for a bit before Russell goads her into using her powers to break them off. She does so, and then uses her powers to throw Russell across the parking lot and then she drags Eric inside. Why didn’t she just stake Russell instead? 2 birds, one stone. Once inside, Sookie has Bill tap a vein in her wrist so Eric can feed off her. What a slut.

We cut to Sam and Tara, hanging out in morning-after awkwardness. Tara watches that Church of Light asshole on TV while Sam cooks pancakes. After setting down the flapjacks Sam reveals to Tara that he’s a shape shifter.

Back to Fangtasia, where a rejuvenated (and I guess enlightened) Eric wants to rescue Russell, King Asshole. Before Bill and Eric can fight over it Sookie just grabs some silver chains and heads outside to get him herself.

Back to Sam’s trailer where Tara’s a little upset that Sam didn’t tell her this sooner (is she the only person in Bon Temps that didn’t know about Sam at this point?). She’s seen way too much freaky shit lately. They have a discussion about forgetting your past and staying on the move to constantly avoid it.

Again, back to Fangtasia, where Eric’s chaining Russell to the stripper pole. At this point, we’ve seen more people chained to that thing than we’ve seen strippers on it. Shame.

The plan is for Sookie to watch Russell while the others sleep. Bill wants to stay with Sookie but Sookie’s sick of vampires and tells him to coffin-up. She sounds pissed: "Go crawl back into your holes you creepy, cold freaks!"

Over at the sheriff’s station, the DEA is crawling all over the place, getting ready to raid Crystal’s commune. Andy lets it slip that the raid is happening today and Jason takes off to warn Crystal.

Tara leaves Sam’s and relives some bad memories as she crosses the parking lot. That is all.

Hoyt shows up (with fang wounds) to oversee the road crew and finds his mom and Summer sitting there waiting for him with the high school guidance counselor (therapist stand-in). It’s an anti-vampir intervention. He doesn’t even pretend to consider their ridiculous, stupid arguments. He wishes Summer the best and then goes to work while Summer and his mom cry like the idiots they are. What a stupid scene. They’re wasting time in the season finale with this crap?

At Merlotte’s, Sam finds Lafayette waiting to get to work. He has his hood up and is actin restless. As Sam gets his key out, Lafayette hallucinates that Sam has blood all over his hands and hears Sam say "Cross me and you’re a dead man." Lafayette says he had a rough night.

We cut back to Fangtasia, where Russell is bargaining with Sookie for his release. She pretends to consider it, but refuses to let him go. Then she pours Talbot’s gooey remains down the garbage disposal and laughs while Russell freaks out.

While this is going down, Jason and Crystal show up at the meth farm. They warn all the nice looking inbreds that the DEA is on the way. Crystal’s dad says it doesn’t change anything between him and Jason and Jason humorously replies, "Well, don’t you think it should?" As they start to get ready, Crystal’s ex shows up packing heat. He shoots one guy and when Crystal’s dad (I guess his dad too) calls him a pussy he shoots him in the face.

Sam is heading over to his rental properties and sees Terry sitting on his front stoop crying. Sam apologizes for saying some really mean shit the night before. It turns out Terry’s just having himself a good happy cry. Sam continues onto Tommy’s place. It’s been ransacked. Even the fridge has been emptied out. Sam thinks of something and runs off.

Back at the meth coop, Crystal’s brother/ex threatens to kill Jason if Crystal doesn’t get in Jason’s truck and leave with him. Crystal agrees to go and asks Jason to take care of the Hills Have Eyes people. She leaves and Jason introduces himself to his new, creepy friends.

We cut to Tara, who apparently wants to feel even worse about her life because she’s going to visit her mom. She walks in and finds her mom with their (married) reverend. Tara storms off while her mom chases her and makes excuses. Ultimately Tara wishes her luck and says goodbye. Again, this is the season finale?

Sam walks into Merlotte’s and people take one look and walk the other way. He goes to check on his safe only finds gouges in the floor where it was dragged out (oh weird, Tommy couldn’t crack the safe). He yells and everyone hears it. Arlene says she can’t handle another day of Sam’s shitty new attitude. As she’s saying this Lafayette is again hallucinating. He sees Rene with his hands wrapped around Arlene’s throat while she talks.

Lafayette yells at him and Arlene screams. Terry comes in and chastises Arlene for working in her condition. As Sam grabs a gun and leaves, Lafayette calls Jesus in a panic telling him all the shit he’s been seeing. Jesus says he’ll get there when he can.

Back at Fangtasia, a truck pulls up. Russell says it’s his wolves come to rescue him. Actually, it’s Alcide. Eric called and asked him to come help and in exchange he’d wipe Alcide’s debts clean. Sookie and Alcide talk cute while Russell moans and rolls his eyes in the background. Eric, Bill, and Pam wake up and drag Russell out to Alcide’s truck. Sookie heads home but first rescinds the invitation to her house for all the vampires in the room.

At the sheriff’s station, Andy’s staring at a vial of V and it looks like he’s about to sample it when the DEA busts in with Jason in handcuffs. No one was as the farm when they arrived except Jason and two dead bodies. The DEA guy leaves and Andy yells at Jason for fucking them both. Jason tells Andy that he thinks he did the right thing.

We cut back to Merlotte’s where Jesus shows up to comfort Lafayette. Jesus lets it spill that he learned magic when he was younger. Lafayette asks him what he is. Jesus says he’s a witch. Gay or not, I would definitely not refer to myself as a witch.

Sookie arrives home to find that Tara has cut her hair. Due to some bad editing it looks like Tara cut off her braids and instantly looked like this:

They have some dinner and Tara apologizes for being such a bitch. It’s always weird to see these two together, since they act like they were friends at some point but they never, ever spend more than 15 seconds together on the show. Tara leaves to go see Lafayette at Merlotte’s.

Eric and Bill are at a construction site, burying Russell alive in concrete. It turns out Eric heard what Godric was saying but took it to mean that Russell would find peace in the afterlife, which wasn’t really satisfying for Eric, so he wants him to suffer for as long as possible. Godric’s spirit shows up again to give Eric a guilt trip but it doesn’t work and he fades away. Bill extends his hand to Eric and as they shake he claps handcuffs on Eric and tosses him into another pit and proceeds to dump concrete on him. As the hole fills up he calls Eric’s assassin, Ruben, and pretends to be Eric. He orders Pam killed and then flies off. Total dick move.

We throw it over to Hoyt and Jess pulling up to a house. He has her blindfolded and leads her inside. It turns out he rented a house for the two of them. He promises to fix it up (it’s kind of a shithole) and then tells her that he wants to marry her someday. She says she loves him and they act all cuddly and lovey-dovey while ominous music plays and the camera pans to an old, dirty doll lying on the floor. Creepy.

Over at the gun store, Mama Hoyt is getting herself a rifle with a scope. Nice.

Cut to Bill knocking on Sookie’s door. He says they have to talk. He tells Sookie that Russell has bee taken care of and he killed Eric as well because he’s tasted Sookie’s blood. Bill says he’s going to kill anyone that’s tasted Sookie’s blood because she’ll never be safe with people like that around. He then professes his love and bleeds out the eyes and starts to leave. As he nears the front door Eric shows up, covered in chunks of concrete.

He asks Bill if he told Sookie that he was originally sent by the Queen to bring Sookie back. Bill admits it but says that he then protected Sookie from the Queen. So then Eric tells Sookie that the night she met Bill, Bill let the two V addicts beat her half to death just so she’d have to drink his blood to live. Bill tearfully admits that this is true, as well. Vampires are jerks. Sookie again rescinds her invitation and Bill gets sucked out of the house. Sookie tells them both to scram and Eric apologizes for having to tell her this before he speeds off.

Tara pulls up to Merlotte’s with her new ‘do, smiles a bit, and then keeps on driving. What the hell? Why did they waste time showing that?

Eric goes back to Fangtasia and finds Pam freshly out of the shower. She lets Eric know that Ruben tried to kill her so she had to take care of him.

Cut to Tommy walking down a dirt road when Sam’s Bronco comes flying into frame. He runs and Sam hops out and chases. Sam pulls a gun and fires into the air. Tommy drops his duffel bag and yells at Sam for fucking up his life. They argue for a bit before Tommy picks up the bag and walks off, telling Sam that he won’t shoot him. Sam aims his gun and fires. Tommy’s fate remains to be seen.

Over at Casa de Sookie, she’s sitting on the arm of her couch having a good cry before suddenly running off into the night.

At Bill’s house the Queen shows up. She’s dressed in all black to mourn the King. She asks Bill to bring her Sookie. Bill says he lied to her to get her there and that only one of them’s leaving the house. The Queen’s like, "Are you kidding, I’m twice as old as you." They jump into the air and limply fly at each other. Bill, why did you warn her? Why not just stake her when she’s not expecting it? I don’t get vampires.

Back to Sookie, who’s gone to visit her grandma in the cemetery. As she tells her grandma how alone she feels, the fairy from her coma dream shows up and asks her to come with them. Other fairies come out of the night and Sookie takes Head Fairy’s hand and they all disappear in a flash of yellow light. Season ends. Lame.

When Brian isn’t busy yelling at his friends’ wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.

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‘True Blood’ Recap: Fresh Blood S3E11 http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-fresh-blood-s3e11/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-fresh-blood-s3e11/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Previously on "True Blood": Sookie found out she's a fairy. Sam flashed back on a former life of crime. Eric prepared to go after, and probably get killed by, King Russell. Human kind reacted poorly to Russell killing a human anchor on-air. Arlene looked into mystical abortion. Jason admitted to Tara that he killed Eggs. Lafayette and Jesus dropped some V and had a shared vision of their voodoo relatives. Meth cook Crystal turned into a panther and broke into Jason's bedroom. Hoyt was attacked by Tommy in pit bull form and was saved by Jess. Eric made out with Sookie and then chained her up in his basement. Ok, on to this week. More after the jump...

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Previously on "True Blood": Sookie found out she’s a fairy. Sam flashed back on a former life of crime. Eric prepared to go after, and probably get killed by, King Russell. Human kind reacted poorly to Russell killing a human anchor on-air. Arlene looked into mystical abortion. Jason admitted to Tara that he killed Eggs. Lafayette and Jesus dropped some V and had a shared vision of their voodoo relatives. Meth cook Crystal turned into a panther and broke into Jason’s bedroom. Hoyt was attacked by Tommy in pit bull form and was saved by Jess. Eric made out with Sookie and then chained her up in his basement. Ok, on to this week.

More after the jump…

Bill bursts into Fangtasia. He tries to get past Pam and into the basement after she drops a Twilight joke on him. After tossing her to the floor, he gets a face full of vampire mace.

Since Bill’s in no shape to save the Sookster, Eric’s Ukrainian dancer comes downstairs and Sookie’s like, "I thought you were on Team Eric." Another Twilight joke?! What the hell? Anna Paquin turns in some of the worst acting I’ve seen on this show as my future stripper wife undoes the lock on her collar. Sookie grabs some silver chains and heads upstairs to find Bill going fisticuffs with Pam. He punches her into the bar only to have her turn around and mace him in the face AGAIN. Homeboy does NOT learn. Sookie rescues him by choking Pam with her silver chains. Bill’s blinded for the time being so Sookie questions Pam. Pam says that Sookie was supposed to be a gift for King Russell, but now that she’s escaped they’ll all die. Sookie leaves Pam with the Ukrainian and leads Bill out the door.

Over at Lafayette’s house, he and Jesus are talking about their vision. Jesus is so pumped he wants to do V again immediately. Lafayette is about to relent when he hallucinates this little gem:

He says that sometimes you get aftershocks after you dose but he’s pretty spooked. He sends Jesus home.

Over at Jason’s place, Crystal is finally telling Jason what she is—a Juggalette. Kidding. She’s the panther version of a werewolf, a werepanther. He’s a lot more concerned about the panther thing than the meth dealer thing. Which, in real life would probably be the bigger problem, but in the crazy "True Blood" universe it’s like, no big deal. Crystal lets on that her fiancé was her half-brother and she’s supposed to breed with him for the rest of her life. EWWWW.

Meanwhile, Hoyt and Jess are hooking up at Jess’s place. She stops to admit to Hoyt that she murdered that truck driver. She says that she won’t live of True Blood, that she won’t stop drinking humans but she also won’t kill them. Hoyt tells her to feed off him then. She does.

Sad-sac Russell is at an art museum looking at Talbot’s favorite painting (with a dead guard on the floor, natch). He’s waiting for Eric. When Eric arrives he tells Russell why he killed Talbot. Russell thinks it’s a pretty stupid reason. He tells Eric he’s going to enjoy ripping him apart. Eric says they’re even and thinks he could be of use to The King. Russell sees things differently and moves to stroke Eric’s face/rip his throat out when Eric offers up the ability to walk in the sun (meaning Sookie). Russell’s willing to see if Eric can deliver.

We cut over to Bill and Sookie driving around in her POS. He’s all butt hurt that Sookie went to see Eric and wants to know if she has feelings for him. She’s like, well yeah but just because I drank his blood. Duh, Bill.

As Sookie and Bil drive around chatting about feelings, Arlene is setting a date with the Wiccan waitress for a voodoo abortion after work. Sam comes crashing into the bar drunk yelling at the bar patrons. He’s like, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT?! YOU’RE UGLY!" In his defense, she was.

Aside from that, he’s being a major league dick to everyone including Terry and Arlene. Arlene and the new waitress decide to not put up with his shit and they bounce, after grabbing the salt (of course).

Time to check in on Jason, who’s sitting in the high school parking lot trying to get a hold of Sookie. He sees the punk high school QB throwing balls to his friends [side note: the actor has a horrible throw]. The dude is intense. He’s throwing so hard that it looks like he might be on V.

Meanwhile, a crying Summer pays a visit to Hoyt’s mean ass mom to tell her that her plan didn’t work. Hoyt’s mom goes, "Dagnabbit! Shit fire!" Ah, southern charm. Hoyt’s mother tells her to not give up, that she still has some tricks. Roofies?

Back to Merlotte’s where Sam’s now waiting tables on his own. Tara shows up to talk to Sheriff Andy. She sits down and just stares at him while he makes uncomfortable, idle small talk. Finally she says she knows about Eggs and lays into Andy. Andy tells her the whole story and apologizes. It doesn’t seem like Tara knew about Eggs wanting to die.

In the back of Merlotte’s, Sam’s losing his shit. He lays into Tommy and Tommy immediately becomes compliant but Sam’s too pissed to care. He goes out front and kicks the entire restaurant out. Tara calmly sits at the bar with a bottle of Patron and refuses to leave. 

Sookie and Bill are driving along and talking out a gay little fantasy about what their lives would be like if they were normal ("I’d teach 3rd grade and go fishin’ with Jason" YAWWWWWN) when Eric and Russell land smack dab in the middle of the road.

Before we learn what happens with them, we kick over to Arlene and the waitress getting ready for the ceremony. The Wiccan lays down a ring of salt and makes a decoction for Arlene to take (she also has a big-ass knife). This scene is weirdly long for something so trivial and boring. Arlene prays for a really long time and then finally drinks the tea.

Back to Jason and the shitty quarterback. He confronts the kid about the V. He’s like, "Coach gave it to me, mom and dad paid for it, principal takes it for sex. I’m gonn break all your records and go to college." Then he runs off with his hot, young girlfriend. Jason’s like, shit.

Over at Lafayette’s, he’s having some pretty bad dreams. He walks through his house and all of his voodoo art is speaking to him. I get weird dreams when I eat too much turkey. Just saying.

Finally we get back to Sookie and company. Eric and Russell are taking Sookie and Bill to Fangtasia. Eric whispers at Bill to hit him. The fight is an excuse to get some alone time while Russell goes into the bar so Eric can tell Bill his plan.

Sam and Tara are now alone in Merlotte’s having a pity party. This ends, of course, with them having sex. While they get down, Tommy takes the opportunity to break into Sam’s safe. He’s such a good brother. 

Before anything interesting happens, we cut over to Arlene having a dream about fishing. She’s woken up by Terry because she’s bleeding profusely out of her baby maker. Arlene plays it cool and tells Terry to get the car. Poor Terry.

Jason comes back after unsuccessfully looking for Sookie. He tells Crystal that he loves her and wants her to stay. She’s glad but says they need to go to the meth camp to save her meth friends and meth family from her meth dad and meth brother/fiancé.

Over at Fangtasia, Russell’s yelling about fairies and how stupid this is. Sookie’s looking at Bill like, "How the fuck did Eric know about me?" The King says he’ll give it a go on one condition: Eric goes first. Eric readily agrees.

Back to Terry and Arlene, now in the hospital. Arlene’s comforting Terry over the baby when the doctor comes in and tells them that the baby’s just fine. Terry’s pumped. Arlene, not so much.

It’s time for The Sookie Test. Eric and Russell dig in and then Eric walks outside. It works. They watch Eric walk around on the monitors while Sookie’s passed out inside. As The King celebrates inside Eric starts smoking outside (literally, not like smoking a cigarette). Before The King notices this he joins Eric outside. Eric handcuffs himself to The King and tells him that they’ll die together. The episode ends.

When Brian isn’t busy yelling at his friends’ wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.

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‘True Blood’ Recap: I Smell a Rat S3E10 http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-i-smell-a-rat-s3e10/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-i-smell-a-rat-s3e10/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Previously on "True Blood": Bill met with Sookie's dream friends. Sam curb-stomped Crystal's redneck father. Lafayette and Jesus took said redneck for help. Eric got permission from The Authority to ice The King. The King ripped out a newscaster's spine and basically declared war on humankind. Ok, on to this week. We finally learn what Sookie is courtesy of Bill: a fairy (or well, part fairy). The gayest of all the mythological creatures. Apparently all the fairies were thought to be extinct thanks to vampires hunting them down for their sweet, sweet blood. Sookie wants to know if this is why Bill likes her, and he's like, "of course not" but we all know different, right? I mean, did you see how easily he pulled stripper tail a few eps back? More after the jump..

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Previously on "True Blood": Bill met with Sookie’s dream friends. Sam curb-stomped Crystal’s redneck father. Lafayette and Jesus took said redneck for help. Eric got permission from The Authority to ice The King. The King ripped out a newscaster’s spine and basically declared war on humankind. Ok, on to this week.

We finally learn what Sookie is courtesy of Bill: a fairy (or well, part fairy). The gayest of all the mythological creatures. Apparently all the fairies were thought to be extinct thanks to vampires hunting them down for their sweet, sweet blood. Sookie wants to know if this is why Bill likes her, and he’s like, "of course not" but we all know different, right? I mean, did you see how easily he pulled stripper tail a few eps back?

More after the jump..

While Sookie gets the 411 on who she really is, Jason and Tara deal with the crime scene named Franklin. Jason digs a hole about 2 inches deep and they kind of kick dirt on top of Franklin’s guts while Jason takes his clothes and throws them in his truck. While Jason does all this he flashes back on his other two kills: Milton from Office Space and Eggs.

We throw over to Lafayette and Jesus. Instead of going to the hospital they take Crystal’s dad to Lafayette’s house where they shove some V down his throat. It works and he’s totally ungrateful. Dick. He even hits Crystal and then disowns her.
 
Sam feels shitty after messing up Crystal’s dad and hits the Jack Daniels really, really hard. So hard that he flashes back to a time when he used his powers for evil and would jack expensive jewelry. We see Sam return to a hotel room, triumphant with two bags full of bling, straight-up Goonies style. He celebrates with a blonde hottie that he was partnered with. The celebration doesn’t last long before he’s double-crossed by her and her real partner pulls a gun on him and they leave with the jewels. Flashback ends. He feels so stupid he guns his now empty bottle of Jack at the wall.

While this is all going down Eric is preparing his will so that if he dies trying to kill Russell, Pam will inherit everything he owns. Awww, that’s so sweet.

Back at Jason’s house (where Bill and Sookie are chilling), Bill is watching the news and the Vampire League is distancing themselves from Russell as hate crime break out over the country. They call him a terrorist and “just one man." Eric shows up and takes a walk with Bill. Eric also knows that Sookie is a fairy. Eric wants to know if it’s true that Sookie’s blood allowed Bill to walk in the sun. The gist is that The Queen had hopes that Sookie’s blood would grant the drinker special powers. He tells Bill how he’s now at odds with Russell and Bill’s pissed that Eric’s actions are what prompted The King’s little outburst on network news. Sookie shows up and throws some sass around and Eric bounces after saying that he won’t be around much longer.

Over at Merlotte’s Arlene and Jess have it out over Arlene’s anti-vampire attitude. Tommy loves it and hits on Jess once again. She runs off, fangs out.

Hoyt’s parking with Summer, and she puts the moves on him to try and seal the deal. Hoyt acts like the virgin he is.

At Jason’s, Jason and Tara come home and are surprised that Sookie and Bill have taken up residence. Tara is disbelieving that Sookie would love someone that just stood by while Franklin raped and used her. Bill makes sure that Jason is ready to defend the house against werewolves while he sleeps in the ground nearby.

At Lafayette’s, Jesus tells Lafayette that he wants to do V with him. They both take a hit but we cut before they get all gay-crazy.

We throw over to Merlotte’s first thing in the morning. The new waitress tries to give Sam some black cohash because she’s a retarded Wican. He tells her to mind her own bee’s wax. Tommy says he’s proud of Sam for trying to kill the shifter/werewolf/whatever. Arlene tells Terry that the baby is actually Rene’s and it’s evil and she wants to have an abortion. Terry says "no." He thinks they can raise the baby with love and it’ll be okay. He’s an idiot.

Back at Jason’s pad he’s telling Sookie how he killed Franklin. Sookie reassures him that he did the right thing.

He then tells Sookie how he killed Eggs. She thinks he needs to tell Tara the truth but he disagrees. 

Over at Lafayette’s, Lafayette and Jesus are tripping balls. Everything’s golden and Lafayette’s tacky décor is animated and dancing in their drug-induced haze until they come upon Jesus’s grandma, an old pharmacologist that can solve problems with her herbs. Then they see Jesus’s mom, a fertility quack back home. Then they see Lafayette’s grandma, who was also a witch doctor (they see this despite the fact that Lafeyette never even knew what she was). Their last visit is to Jesus’s grandpa, who was into some crazy voodoo shit. He had plans for Jesus. This is a very informative drug trip.

While Jesus and Lafayette trip, Sookie has a dream of her own. It’s another dream of Eric. She says she’s tired of dreaming of him but Eric’s like, "obviously not." He kisses her, tells her she can’t trust Bill, and then goes for her neck. When he bites, Sookie wakes up. In another part of the house Jason checks in on Tara, and she thanks him for always looking out for her. Tara cries and Jason offers a comforting hug before making out with her. Tara breaks free and is like, "I’m fucked up, I’m so fucked up" (yeah, no sh*t). She tries to leave the room but Jason stops her and admits that he shot Eggs. Tara runs off and Jason finds a note from Sookie that she’ll be back.

Later that day, Jess arrives home at Bill’s house to only to encounter some anti-vampites—brick through the window, graffiti, burning cross. Oh the South. 

Bill arrives just in time to stop her from going after them.

Sam wanders the woods drunk, remembering his old life as an asshole shifter. We learn that after he was double crossed by the hot chick, he turned into a dog and tracked her and her boyfriend. He beats the hell out of the dude and then ends up shooting the girl that betrayed him when she pulls a gun. He then puts a bullet in the head of the guy he just beat the crap out of.

At Fangtasia, Sookie barges in on Eric and wants to know why she shouldn’t trust Bill. Eric and her have a passionate make out session when Eric basically tries to say goodbye to her before going after Russell. Pam interrupts and pulls Eric aside. She wants Eric to offer Sookie up to The King to save his life. Eric refuses. He’s a sweetheart like that.

Speaking of Russell, he pathetically picks up on a male prostitute and they head back to the hooker’s place. This can’t end well.

Over at Merlotte’s, Arlene asks the new waitress (who must have a name, that I don’t know) about alternatives to abortion. While this is going on Hoyt is confessing his love to Jess. Jess is like, "you don’t know what I’ve done" and Hoyt’s like, "get over it." Jess stands in silence so Hoyt bounces. Tommy sees his opening and heads outside to egg Hoyt into a fight. Hoyt decks him and Tommy turns into a pit bull and attacks him, ripping into his arm pretty good. Jess comes outside, sees this, tosses Tommy into the woods (like literally chucks him 20 feet into the air), and lets Hoyt feed off her to heal himself.

Back at Jason’s house, Bill rolls up tough on Jason, mad at him for losing track of Sookie. Jason revokes his invitation and kicks him to the curb for being an asshole. Then he hears growling coming from the other room and immediately regrets it. He goes into his bedroom and sees a jaguar. The animal, not the car.

Turns out it’s Crystal.

Time to check in on Russell and his man whore. They’re cuddling in post-coital bliss. Russell freaks out a bit and pretends that the prostie is Talbot, talking to him and apologizing for the way it ended. Then he stakes him, which is like, even more unpleasant for someone who isn’t a vampire.

He kisses him goodbye and then spoons with the corpse. Ew.

We cut to Fangtasia one final time. Sookie tells Eric that he can’t just treat her like a prisoner and he’s like, "actually, I can" and just picks her up and carries her off screaming. Bill psychically “hears” her distress and runs to her in goofy fast-forward vampire motion. Before he can get to Fangtasia Eric chains Sookie up via metal collar in the basement and the episode ends.

When Brian isn’t busy yellng at his friends’ wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.

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‘True Blood’ Recap: Everything Is Broken S3E9 http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-everything-is-broken-s3e9/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-everything-is-broken-s3e9/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Previously on "True Blood," Sookie and Bill broke up. Crystal left her (possibly werewolf or shifter) meth dad and fianc√© (two different people) for Jason. Sam took in his brother and kicked their mom and dad to the curb. Tara was having problems handling her recent Franklin trauma. Lafayette and Jesus got back together. The King tried to take Sookie forcibly (who was defended by Bill and Jess). Eric killed Talbot as retribution for The King killing his dad a thousand or so years ago. Sookie and Bill got back together. And now onto this week's episode... More after the jump...

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Previously on "True Blood," Sookie and Bill broke up. Crystal left her (possibly werewolf or shifter) meth dad and fiancé (two different people) for Jason. Sam took in his brother and kicked their mom and dad to the curb. Tara was having problems handling her recent Franklin trauma. Lafayette and Jesus got back together. The King tried to take Sookie forcibly (who was defended by Bill and Jess). Eric killed Talbot as retribution for The King killing his dad a thousand or so years ago. Sookie and Bill got back together. And now onto this week’s episode…

More after the jump…

We start with Eric flying into Fangtasia and telling Pam they need sanctuary. She suggests a human house. Before they can even pick somewhere they find out that the "V Feds" are there. Eric goes out to play it cool and deny any wrong-doing but the head V Fed chick doesn’t buy it and orders him "silvered" which is just pushing a block of silver into your skin. Kind of lame. Also lame? The bad sci fi outfits the V Fed troopers wear.

After the opening credits we go to The King coming home looking for Talbot. He goes into the study and sees Talbot’s gut-pile. He then proceeds to get down on his hands and knees and go "Talbot! TALBOT! TALBOT!" and start gathering all of Talbot’s guts up. I almost hurled.

He pauses halfway through to notice that Eric’s dad’s crown is missing from his antiques collection. This dude does love his collectibles.

We throw it over to Snookie, who’s dancing with J Woww while Pauly D and The Situation are creeping on a couple grenades–oh shit, sorry, wrong show.

We throw it over to Sookie in the shower washing the wolf blood off her face and the blood streaming out of her neck from where Bill bit her during vampire sex. Talk about an unhealthy relationship.

Bill creepily reaches around the shower curtain and grabs her neck and then gets in with her. He uses his fang to prick his finger and then rubs his blood on Sookie’s gaping neck wound, healing it. Still seems sickly abusive to me. The two head downstairs and there’s still a corpse of a werewolf on the floor. Oops. They’re very blasé about it. As they wrap up the body, Sookie asks Bill about the file he has on her. Bill says that he only did it to figure out why Eric’s so interested in her. Sookie says it’s creepy and then asks to be treated like a normal girlfriend. Uh…

Over at Lafayette’s house, Lafayette tells Jesus that he normally kicks dudes out after sex but Jesus can stay. Then he goes down on him.

Cut (thankfully) to Jason coming home to find Crystal and her ex-fiancé yelling at each other. Crystal is lying and telling him that Jason kidnapped her. Jason busts in with his shotgun and explains to the dude how Crystal came to him. Her fiancé starts yelling at her again about having to beat her some more. Crystal then tells her fiancé that Jason raped her and he proceeds to knock the gun out of Jason’s hand and start choking him. Crystal grabs the gun and knocks her fiancé out. This chick is not stable. She says they need to tie him up before he wakes up, but when Jason offers to get his handcuffs, Crystal says that he can get out of handcuffs and they need rope. He can get out of handcuffs but not rope? Huh? Even if he’s a shifter, how’s one different than the other? When Jason leaves the room, Crystal goes through her fiancé’s pocket and pulls out what I think is a baggie full of vials of V.

Back to Fangtasia. The V Fed has completed her sweep of the basement and it’s been cleaned (suspiciously). She alludes to The Magister having been killed and then tells Eric that she just needs his official statement. She gets out not one, but two webcams (I guess even the vampires are switching to 3D) and video conferences Eric straight to The Authority.

We cut to Tara and Sam hanging out and drinking coffee. Their discussion of Tara possibly seeing a shrink is interrupted by Terry calling from Arlene’s place because of the crazy sex/murder sounds coming from Tommy’s place. Sam leaves to check on it while Tara gets on her computer (while crying of course) to Google the side effects of HGH and testosterone injections.

Once again we go back to Fangtasia and Eric’s telling The Authority about Russel and how he uses werewolves and how he’s been tracking him for hundreds of years. He’s spilling the beans on Russesl and his anti-Authority plans, including his murder of The Magister. He even tells them how Russell murdered his family.

The Authority puts Eric and Pam on lock-down until they can decide if he’s full of shit or not.

As Eric and Pam cool their heels, Sam finally arrives at Tommy’s place to tell him to shut the f*ck up. He’s partying with a nice blond girl from the bar. Tommy turns down the music and puts some pants on, but he’s free-balling and doesn’t zip them up, so it’s still kind of nauseating.

Tommy gives Sam a bunch of lip and then agrees to be more quiet and Sam leaves, super annoyed and bummed that his brother acts like a 12-year-old.

Meanwhile, Crystal’s tying her fiancé up (with rope of course). Jason makes an anonymous call to the police to tell them that he found a guy tied up on the side of the road with V in his pocket. Great plan!

The next morning, Jesus takes Lafayette’s mom back to the hospital but not before her and Lafayette have a nice little moment together where she sees how happy he is with Jesus. "I’ll be damned. Maybe God loves fags." Awwww.

Jason arrives for work at the sheriff’s station with Crystal in tow and learns that the officer that responded to his call about Crystal’s fiancé being tied up was jumped and beaten almost to death. The meth dealer that Jason was pumping for information before is marched through on the way to his arraignment and he recognizes Crystal but doesn’t say anything. Jason talks to Andy and tells him that he thinks the V the guy had on him might be connected to the meth lab they busted a few night’s back. They discuss it and then Jason leaves. Andy opens his drawer and pulls out the bag of V they got off Crystal’s fiancé (it was supposedly in evidence lock up) and stares at it. Is Andy hooked on V now? Or just thinking about taking down the meth/V lab?

We cut over to Tara showing up at a support group for rape victims. The new waitress from Merlotte’s (I think that’s who it is) recognizes her and is really nice as she invites her in to join the group.

While Tara cries and undoubtedly relives her hellish vampire memories, Sookie sits in a nice sunlit room and looks through her gran’s scrap book. She’s interrupted by a call from her cousin Hadley, who asks her to come to the aquarium to meet someone. Sookie goes down there immediately. Hadley has her son with her. She tells Sookie how she told The Queen all about her powers and wants Sookie to leave Bon Temps, and also wants Sookie to find out if her son has telepathy like Sookie. He does. This scares the shit out of Hadley.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene accuses Tommy of stealing tips before she can pick them up. He reacts like the little asshole he is and when Arlene says she’s going to ask for a raise he says, "For what? Service that fuckin’ sucks?" Arlene gasps and storms off. Sam’s there for all of it but does hardly anything (as usual). Tommy’s like, “Is there anyone you don’t let walk all over you?” The chick from the support group comes in to cheer Arlene up and offer some encouraging advice. This chick is way too nice. I bet she eats people’s hearts in the middle of the night. Arlene tells her the truth about her baby being Rene’s. And then admits that she doesn’t want it. When Arlene says she think abortion is wrong, new girl says "you ain’t no time bomb. There’s other ways to resolve it." What’s that mean?

Over at Bill’s house he’s dreaming about hanging out in the sun at the same pond Sookie saw in her gay coma dream. He sees the girl that helped Sookie. She goes, "It’s impossible! You killed her!" and then runs. Bill runs her down but when he pops his fangs she uses the Sookie hand-light power to throw him back. She tells Bill to stay away and that "they" are protecting her. Bill pleads with her to tell Sookie what she is so she can protect herself.

Meanwhile, Pam wakes up and gets out of her temporary coffin (provided by The Authority) to find Eric sitting at his desk. Although they don’t mention it, Eric is once again bleeding from the ears and nose. He’s wiping it on a bloody rag. Why don’t they bring up what this is? Is no one curious? Eric tells Pam that if he has to go down for The Magister’s death then Pam should create a new vampire, that she’s ready to become a maker. I think this is like the vampire equivalent of a dad giving his son a big "your a man now" speech before he sends him off to college.

Back at Merlotte’s, Hoyt’s out on a date with Summer (despite the fact that she likes antiquing and dolls and is about 4’10"). He introduces her to Jess, which doesn’t go well, despite Jess saying she’s fine with it. Over at another booth, Crystal’s telling Jason how she’s worried about the dealer that saw her at the sheriff’s station. Jason’s like, "Don’t worry, we’re busting their entire camp" and Crystal becomes all agitated because of the families that live there that aren’t total girlfriend-beating assholes. And at yet another booth, Jesus is being personally served by Lafayette (not in the dancing sense, in the waiter sense). Tara sees this, asks Lafayette about Jesus, and she’s happy for Lafayette.

Jess goes back to Hoyt’s table when Summer goes to use the restroom and he admits that he hates Summer and that he’s only dating her to keep his mind off of Jess. Jess burst into blood tears and runs off.

Over at Fangtasia, The Authority is showing up in force. I cannot take these V Fed guys seriously. They look so fucking terrible. It’s like something out of a made-for-TV movie on SyFy.

The King watches from the rooftops nearby. He has Talbot’s guts in a jar and is talking to them.

I think he might be losing his shit. He flies off before even seeing what’s going on. The head V Fed chick comes in with an official letter from The Authority saying that they are disavowing all knowledge of The Magister and Eric’s involvement. Unofficially they want Eric to kill The King. Awesome.

Back at Merlotte’s, Crystal’s dad comes in looking for Crystal. Sam stops him and he calls Sam a pussy. This is not good timing. Sam’s pretty much had it. He breaks a coffee pot over his head and then punches his face in repeatedly until the dude’s almost dead.

Jesus and Lafayette load him into the car and take him to the hospital. Despite Jason’s protests, Crystal goes with him. Tara’s outside in the parking lot after helping out when she’s grabbed by Franklin (he’s alive!). Franklin is really upset that Tara didn’t mourn at all for him. He’s even more upset over this than the fact that she murdered him. She tries to goad him into killing her and yells at him until he starts choking her. Jason shows up with his shotgun. Franklin’s like, you realize I’m a vampire and you can’t hurt me, right? Jason proceeds to shoot him square in the chest and Franklin turns into a geyser of blood.

Turns out Jason was rolling with wooden bullets in his gun. Boo-yah. Tara is covered in blood and once again Tara-fied.

Over at Sookie’s house, Bill shows up and tells Sookie that he knows what she is. But before we can find out, we cut to the head V Fed chick and she’s going over a speech. While she waits on hold we see that she has a human with her and it’s probably the hottest chick they’ve ever had on the show.

She pops her fangs and feeds on her while we see the news. The anchor is talking about the Vampire Rights Amendment when The King shows up and rips part of his spine out.

The King proceeds to give a speech about how vampires are immortal and don’t need equal rights because vampires and humans aren’t equal. Then he drops the best line of the night right before the episode ends: "WE WILL EAT YOU… after we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?"

When Brian isn’t busy yellng at his friends’ wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.

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‘True Blood’ Recap: Night on the Sun S3E8 http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-night-on-the-sun-s3e8/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-night-on-the-sun-s3e8/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Previously on "True Blood," Sam helped his brother escape a vicious dog-fighting ring. Bill and Sookie tag-teamed Lorena, and not in a good way. Jason dug for info on Crystal. Sookie saved Bill's life by letting him feed on her and he went overboard and put her in a coma. Later, Bill saved Sookie from a really weird coma dream with a bunch of hippie fairies and then she freaked when she woke up and saw him.¬† The King (of Mississippi AKA Russell) and Queen (of Louisiana) saved Pam and then the King tortured the Magister until he married them, then the King cut his head off. And now on to this week's episode... More after the jump...

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Previously on "True Blood," Sam helped his brother escape a vicious dog-fighting ring. Bill and Sookie tag-teamed Lorena, and not in a good way. Jason dug for info on Crystal. Sookie saved Bill’s life by letting him feed on her and he went overboard and put her in a coma. Later, Bill saved Sookie from a really weird coma dream with a bunch of hippie fairies and then she freaked when she woke up and saw him.  The King (of Mississippi AKA Russell) and Queen (of Louisiana) saved Pam and then the King tortured the Magister until he married them, then the King cut his head off. And now on to this week’s episode…

More after the jump…

We start with Sookie and her screaming fit. Alcide runs to her side and grabs Bill but before anything happens they all cool down and Sookie asks for time alone with Bill. He apologizes but says he doesn’t want to be forgiven. They both cry and kind of agree to break up so she can have a normal relationship/life.

He pulls the IV from his vein (the one that went directly into her vein) and bounces, leaving his end of the IV dripping on the floor. Is that a good idea? Won’t her blood start running out of it?

After the credits, we go to the King’s Mansion where the Queen is arriving with her luggage (and cockatoo) and Talbot is complaining about everything. "Franklin’s brains won’t wash off the guest linens, I have to bury werewolves under the gazebo, and that Sookie bitch staked Lorena!" The life of a househusband is so unappreciated. Eric interrupts their spat to let the King know that a "werebitch" is in his study. It’s Cooter’s ex and she wants to kill Sookie and Alcide for killing Cooter. Eric says that’s probably not wise. The King asks how he can trust Eric and Eric gets on his knees and spews some BS about looking for a true leader that can unite vampires.

Over to Terry and Arlene, the world’s most boring subplot (and that’s saying something). Terry’s singing to her fetus while Arlene drifts off and dreams about Rene and he’s all sorts of creepy, saying his evil is in the baby’s blood.

We don’t have to suffer that too long when we kick over to Bill coming home to Jessica. He tells her to bounce and that he "releases" her and is no longer her master. She cries blood, says she doesn’t want to be alone anymore, and he softens up a little bit.

Meanwhile, Sookie is sitting with Alcide. She says that he can stay in her guest room as long as he wants.

Before Alcide can really put the moves on her, Jason busts in with Andy and they want her to press charges against Bill. Jason ends up storming off with Sookie yelling after him to not be an anti-vampite or go after Bill.

As Jason drives off, we cut to Lafayette massaging Tara’s nasty man-feet while she stares blankly into space. He asks if she’s suicidal, and she says no. Then he says she can stay with him. Lots of living situation discussions this week.

Sam wakes up to his mom in dog form on his front door. She turns human again and is buck naked. Totally inappropriate. Sam throws up a little bit and then tells her to get inside before anyone else sees and gets sick. She gets all her sh*t and Sam tells her she’s not welcome back. She guilt-trips them a bit and then leaves (after asking for money). Tommy cries. Lots of man-crying this week.

Back to Tara, who has a little Inception moment, dreaming about masturbating in the shower while dreaming about Franklin. Who dreams about masturbating? Talk about aiming low. She wakes up when his fangs pop out and they start to make out. Out front Lafayette’s coming inside when his mom guns a statue at his head. They don’t explain how she got out of the hospital, but she says she’s there to protect him from vampires and witches. By throwing statues at him?

Over to Sookie’s house where she’s sunbathing and crying at the same time when Tara’s man-feet pop into the frame. She lies down with Sookie to keep her company and they hold hands. Awwww.

The happy friendship lasts about 10 seconds before they argue about Bill, Sookie saying she misses him and Tara saying she’s like a dumb abused girlfriend from a country song. Tara storms off to take some steroids and tells Alcide to flirt some sense into her.

While this is going on, Jason’s getting his anti-vamp shit out. He’s looking over some staked shotgun shells when Crystal comes pounding at the door, drenched and with a black eye. She says swimming was the only way “they” wouldn’t track her scent.

At Merlotte’s, Tara drops a bottle of V while thinking about Franklin and Arlene interviews a new waitress. Sam comes in and finds Tara crying and cleaning V off her jeans. He hugs her while she cries. This episode is fascinating.

Back to Jason’s place. Crystal’s having a drink while explaining to Jason that her ex gave her the shiner when she told him she "weren’t gonna marry him no more." Jason talks her into staying and they make out.

As they get down, Lafayette’s mom is stacking shit against the door to keep vampires and witches away from her son, which is super annoying when someone comes knocking. It’s Jesus coming to get Lafayette’s mom. She pulls a knife and refuses to leave. Jesus talks her down and gets the knife back. Lafayette rapes him with his eyes.

Over at the King’s mansion, Eric grabs a scantily clad Hadley and asks her to deliver a message to Sookie. His ears and nose are bleeding without explanation. Is there a scene missing or something? Did I nod off?

Speaking of Sookie, we cut over to her place and Alcide’s on the phone with his sister. Turns out his ex, Debbie, and her pack of rednecks burned down his sister’s hair salon. TOO FAR! Alcide has to go deal with it and invites Sookie to come so he can keep her safe but she refuses. She says if she were smart she would have fallen in love with someone like him. They hug goodbye and then get REALLY close to kissing but he leaves. Eat it, Twilight.

Later that night Tommy and Sam are at work. Sam’s like, "If Tara starts throwing shit and yelling, come find me." Hoyt comes in and asks Tommy if Jess is around and they almost get into a fight when Tommy says that Jess is out of his league. Sam breaks it up and tries to have a heart-to-heart with Tommy but he isn’t having it.

Meanwhile Jess is getting some Matrix training courtesy of Bill. He’s even wearing black leather. What could be cool training is interrupted by Jess and Bill having a really gay conversation about how much he loves Sookie. Jess is like, "OMG, I totes feel the same way about Hoyt." Heart-to-heart convos are my favorite.

Hadley shows up at Sookie’s place with Eric’s message: "Russell is coming for you. Don’t trust Bill." Great message, good work Eric, Sookie will be just fine now. While running out the door Hadley says she hopes Sookie can forgive her one day and then Sookie reads her mind and finds out that Hadley is the one that told them about Sookie in the first place. Bitch!

Back at the King’s mansion Talbot is losing his shit over the King running off to get Sookie (which seems like it might be a 10 minute mission at most, but no one brings this up). He starts smashing all the antiques but when he grabs Eric’s dad’s crown Eric stops him before he can throw it. He offers to entertain Talbot amidst a plethora of sexy looks and euphemisms. The King thanks him and leaves.

Jason and Crystal are snuggling in post-coital bliss on his undoubtedly filthy couch. She says she’s never done much aside from cooking… meth. Jason says he’ll take care of her and that no one will come between them. Then he tells her to hop in the shower while he gets some food. He grabs his shotgun and leaves.

Crystal’s (ex)fiancé shows up at Merlotte’s with her dad. Sam smells them before he sees them. He says he hasn’t seen anyone matching Crystal’s description and asks them to leave. They threaten Sam and call him a shifter before leaving. So apparently they aren’t exactly human either. Only took 75% of the episode for something interesting to happen.

While this is going on, Lafayette’s mom has finally gone to sleep and Lafayette and Jesus talk. Jesus warns him about his "power" turning dark dealing drugs and Lafayette says that quitting isn’t all that easy. Jesus is like, "well, so long as you’ve thought about it" and they make out.

Cut to Eric and Talbot playing chess at the King’s house.

Eric wins and Talbot knocks all the pieces on the ground and goes, "I’m bored, take off your clothes." Eric’s like, "OK." Then THEY start making out. For a show that’s traditionally pretty gay, tonight is like, super gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

As the lovefest continues at the mansion, Jason is looking to start some shit at Crystal’s house. What he finds is a blood slick leading to a decapitated deer and a naked guy feasting on it. He quickly exits only to be met in the driveway by Crystal’s dad. Jason threatens him and then leaves. The dad looks pleased because I’m pretty sure he can track him now. Whoops.

Sookie’s also walking around with a shotgun, only she’s just guarding her house. Debbie and a couple other wolves show up. The two other wolves go in first but they’re met by Bill and Jess. They were just a distraction though and Debbie is able to get to Sookie. Debbie easily knocks the gun away, Sookie punches her, and she punches Sookie. Bill is ripping a wolf apart when he hears struggling upstairs, he’s on his way up when Jess chases a wolf out of the house and then SHE screams. The King has her. He was just trying to bait Bill or Jess out of the house so he could get one of them to invite him in.

The King tries to force Bill to choose between Jess and Sookie, but Bill won’t so the King takes a good size chunk out of Jess’s neck and starts sucking. Bill taunts him into letting Jess go and fighting him. Jess runs off with the wolf chasing her while the King kicks Bill’s ass. While the King grinds his silver spur into Bill’s face, Sookie is having a huge cat fight with Debbie. Sookie slashes her face with scissors and then grabs the shotgun. Am I the only one that finds it absurd that a girl can beat up a werewolf (Debbie kicked the door clean off its hinges when she showed up)? Why doesn’t Debbie at least turn into a wolf so she doesn’t get embarrassed?

The King continues to kick Bill around while we check in on Talbot and Eric rolling around naked on the rug. Turns out Talbot’s a bottom. Eric uses this to his advantage to stake him. "Russell took my family, now I take his."

The King feels this and immediately flies off, sparing Bill the ass-kicking of a lifetime. Bill runs upstairs to find that Sookie has scared off Debbie. Sookie and Bill make out like crazy despite the fact that he has wolf juice all over his face and mouth. Gross. While they get down, Hoyt’s driving along and right off the side of the road Jess is going crazy feeding on a wolf begging for his life. She’s getting off on it. We cut back to Sookie and Bill having angry sex on the floor. Finally, some gratuitous female nudity. The episode ends as they bot choke the crap out of the each other. So romantic.

 

When Brian isn’t busy yellng at his friends’ wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.

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‘True Blood’ Recap: Hitting the Ground S3E7 http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-hitting-the-ground-s3e7/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-hitting-the-ground-s3e7/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Previously on "True Blood," Bill's ex, Lorena, tortured Bill. The King proposed to the Queen and she accepted (with Eric’s help). Jesus found out that Lafayette deals V and was none too happy. Jason hooked up with new girl Crystal but then found out she's engaged. Sam found out that Tommy competes in dog fights. Tara bashed Franklin's head in. Sookie found Bill but was immediately caught, and then bit, by Lorena. And now on to this week's episode... More after the jump...

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Previously on "True Blood," Bill’s ex, Lorena, tortured Bill. The King proposed to the Queen and she accepted (with Eric’s help). Jesus found out that Lafayette deals V and was none too happy. Jason hooked up with new girl Crystal but then found out she’s engaged. Sam found out that Tommy competes in dog fights. Tara bashed Franklin’s head in. Sookie found Bill but was immediately caught, and then bit, by Lorena. And now on to this week’s episode…

More after the jump…

Lorena has about ten seconds to savor Sookie’s delicious blood before Bill wraps her throat up with a chain and holds her down for Sookie. Sookie hesitates for a second but then Lorena declares her love for Bill and Sookie goes, "YOU WOULDN’T KNOW LOVE IF IT KICKED YOU IN THE FANGS!" and then stakes her. Then blood comes shooting up out of Lorena’s mouth like some hell version of the Bellagio fountain show. It’s awesome. Bill gets drenched and then blacks out. Sookie screams for help and we go to the opening sequence. Good stuff.

Alcide and Tara show up with a van. They wrap Bill up in a tarp but before they can load him Alcide’s bitch ex shows and pulls a gun on them.

We’re left in suspense as we cut to Sam driving up on an old man with a shotgun in the middle of a field. He tries to talk his way into the dog fights but the mean old bastard’s not having it. He takes Sam’s gun and Sam has to drive off.

Back to Sookie and friends. Alcide keeps his ex talking long enough for Sookie to create a distraction (screaming. brilliant.) and for Tara to run at her and knock the gun away. Alcide picks it up just in time for Cooter to come running in. Alcide puts one between his eyes. Alcide’s ex swears to hunt him down but he lets her live. They load Bill in the van and bounce. Some wolves give chase but it’s like,large utility van vs small wolf. Not really a problem. Alcide just runs one over and that’s that.

So while this is going on, Jason’s just lying around in a funk over Crystal. He says he loves her, which makes me think she must be supernatural. That, and it’s "True Blood" and pretty much everyone is supernatural. Hoyt suggests that Crystal might be mixed up with all the meth dealers ("Crystal" as in "crystal meth") and then says that Jason should talk to the dealer he busted. This cheers Jason up immensely. He goes off to change and Hoyt’s rebound date, Summer, shows up and acts like she’s his girlfriend. Oh boy. She’s going to end up as Jess-food.

Cut to Sam using his 4-wheel drive to head around to the back of the do fighting where he strips and turns into a pit bull. Uh, if he was willing to show up nude why didn’t he just fly in?

Time to check in with Eric at the Queen’s house. They’ve put the queen in a giant birdcage. Seems a bit much.

Eric threatens to kill the Queen’s human, Hadley, if she won’t divulge her interest in Sookie. Before he can kill her, Hadley offers to tell Eric what’s so important about Sookie (she’s Sookie’s cousin, after all). She whispers the secret to Eric so we don’t get to hear. Bullshit. Eric goes, "Well I wasn’t expecting that."

Back to Sam. He shows up at the dog fighters’ camp (no sign of Michael Vick) and they comment on the size of his balls. His tail wags. They leash him and take him off somewhere.

Meanwhile, Sookie’s trying to get Bill to wake up in the back of the van. She cuts herself and feeds Bill. This never gets less creepy. Bill pops his fangs and goes a little overboard. He throws Sookie down and dives into her throat, feeding until Sookie can barely struggle. Up front, Tara is starting to lose her shit after what she’s been through.

Over at the local lock-up, Jason’s trying to find out more about Crystal from his perp. He reveals that Crystal is his cousin but won’t give him more info unless he brings him some meth. This is turning into "Breaking Bad."

Back to Alcide, Tara, Sookie, and Bill. Alcide’s gotta take a leak so he pulls over. Tara goes to check on Sookie but she’s not answering Tara’s knocks. They throw open the back to find an almost-dead Sookie and a very confused Bill, who is now immune to sunlight. At least for a little bit. Tara goes agro and kicks Bill out of the van into the sun and they drive off. He considers getting a tan but eventually his skin starts smoking so he runs off. Damn, Sookie is all kinds of special.

Throw it over to Sam, who’s about to be locked in a cage, so he shifts back and knocks out the handler.

Back to Sookie, now in the ER. They get a blood transfusion going, and she starts to seize. Her body is rejecting the blood because she doesn’t have a blood type they’ve ever seen before. At least I think that’s what’s happening. The doctor tells Tara to notify the family.

Meanwhile, the dog fighters have a good-sized pile of dead dogs going (the losers) and it’s Tommy’s turn to fight. Just as he goes in, Sam pulls the "cops are here" alarm and releases all the dogs, saving his brother from a nasty bite as all the local assholes run for the hills. Sam lays into his parents and rips them a new asshole (figuratively). Tommy has a hard time choosing but ultimately goes with Sam. I feel a spin-off coming on.

Back to Sookie in a coma. Jason and Lafayette are there now after a call from Tara.  Jason tells Tara that Sookie’s never even been in a hospital, that she was born at home. Jason and Tara are talking to Sookie and begging her not to die when we go into Sookie’s dream. She’s in the hospital with a path of roses leading from her bed. She picks up an empty glass and follows the path. It leads outside to what I can only assume is a hippie commune. People bathing in a dirty pond and dancing around like it’s Woodstock. Everyone’s wearing white.

A British chick named Claudine or something shows up and is like, "oh dear, your cup is empty." They get some water from the dirty pond and it shines kind of like Sookie’s hand power. Sookie finds it refreshing with strong oak notes and a bold earthy flavor. Then she wants to dance.

Eventually she gets tired and Claudette says that she should stay. That they can swim home. Sookie reads her mind and she’s thinking about people that died and how it wasn’t the water that killed them. Before Sookie can find out what the hell she means it turns to night and Claudette warns that "the dark approaches."

Back in the real world, Bill comes into the room and says his blood can save her. In the dream world, all the fairy people are jumping in the pond and disappearing underwater in a flash of light. Sookie passes out. In the real world Jason allows Bill to give Sookie his blood. He taps a vein and plugs her IV right into it.

Because we haven’t visited Fangtasia in a while, we cut over there. The Magister is alone with Pam (who’s chained down to a table) and he’s brought her a nice pair of silver earrings. He says that since her ears are already pierced maybe he could pierce her eyelids. He’s such a dick.

Before he can actually shove the ring through her eyelid, Eric busts in with both the Queen and King in tow. The King lays the smack down on the Magister and spits in the face of the Magister’s loyalty to the Authority. He takes Pam off the table and replaces her with the Magister. Nice!

Sookie chooses this moment to wake up. Bill smiles and stands up next to her. She takes one look and freaks the f*ck out, screaming her head off.

Back to the King repeatedly sticking the Magister with his own silver lance until the Magister pronounces the Queen and King husband and wife. That’s one way to do it. Then the King lectures him for a while on how ridiculous the Authority is with it’s silly PR campaigns trying to placate humans while the vampires should be ruling the world (just like the plot of Blade). Then he lops the Magister’s head off. Not sure if that counts as an annulment or not… The Magister’s head hits the ground and pops like a water balloon and the episode ends.

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‘True Blood’ Recap: Trouble S3E5 http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-trouble-s3e5/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-trouble-s3e5/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Last week on "True Blood," Tara got abducted by Franklin and he brought her to the King of Mississippi. Sookie and Alcide went to a werewolf party where they found out the King is giving the asshole werewolves his blood. Bill joined the King, broke up with Sookie, and then ate a stripper with the King and his ex, Lorena. The Magister found Eric's V operation and Eric blamed it on Bill. Sam gave his family a place to live and his brother a job. Jason blackmailed Andy into making him a cop. That's basically the important stuff. This week I'm changing things up a bit so I don't have to constantly shift back-and-forth between plot lines. I'll do them in solid chunks, so realize that the recap that follows isn't necessarily the chronology of the episode. RECAP AFTER THE JUMP...

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Last week on "True Blood," Tara got abducted by Franklin and he brought her to the King of Mississippi. Sookie and Alcide went to a werewolf party where they found out the King is giving the asshole werewolves his blood. Bill joined the King, broke up with Sookie, and then ate a stripper with the King and his ex, Lorena. The Magister found Eric’s V operation and Eric blamed it on Bill. Sam gave his family a place to live and his brother a job. Jason blackmailed Andy into making him a cop. That’s basically the important stuff.

This week I’m changing things up a bit so I don’t have to constantly shift back-and-forth between plot lines. I’ll do them in solid chunks, so realize that the recap that follows isn’t necessarily the chronology of the episode.

RECAP AFTER THE JUMP…

SAM
We start with Sam helping his redneck family move into their new digs. Terry pulls up because he’s moving into Arlene’s house next door. He’s pretty pumped. Arlene isn’t. Sam hires his dad to be the on-site handyman for the apartments/houses that he owns and then him and his brother head into work. Later that night, Tommy’s dad calls and starts yelling at him about something. Tommy hangs up on him and then later asks Sam if he can crash at his place. They’re hanging out watching Animal Planet when their drunk-ass dad shows up yelling about how he "owns" Tommy. Sam restrains him and talks some sense into him and he leaves.

LAFAYETTE
Lafayette’s teaching Sam’s brother Tommy how to appreciate a cigarillo when his mom’s caretaker, Jesus, shows up.

Lafayette’s like, "whatever you fucking heard it ain’t true" and then Jesus is like, "uh, I just wanted to go to a movie, dude." He then proceeds to hang out at the bar for nine hours waiting for Lafayette to get off work. Desperate much? After Lafeyette gets off work they play pool but mostly they just flirt. I know, pretty major stuff.

JESS
Jess uses her awesome vampire powers to hypnotize a couple into not tipping Arlene after Arlene’s a bitch to her. Hoyt shows up with a date and Jess feels crappy until Tommy reminds her that she’s a super hot ginger vampire. Then she’s like, "oh yeah."
 
JASON
Jason shows up for his first day on the job at the Bon Temps Sheriff’s Dept. The other cops aren’t pleased. Andy puts him on phone detail. He spends the day acting like a retard locked in an office building and we’re treated to a goofy music montage of it all.

Andy puts him to work washing the cop cars which he does (shirtless of course). While he’s bitching to himself about it, the show’s newest cast member drives by and Jason has a weird vision of her in a forest (or was that a memory?). Because she’s hot, he hops in a squad car and chases after her while Dukes of Hazzard music plays. He pulls her over (still shirtless of course). They flirt. She gives him her name: Crystal. He asks her to Merlotte’s as she drives off and she says no. He says he’ll be there anyway.

Sure enough he’s there later that night and Andy shows up with the news that he can be a deputy if he just passes a physical and the written test. To his credit, Jason knows he’s about as smart as a pile of rocks so he’s bummed. As he’s leaving the bar he sees Crystal walking away. Crystal says some weird stuff about not being able to be with Jason and how it’s the way of things but she’s unwilling to explain what she means. Jason talks her into walking with him down to the lakeside so they can make out. She says she can’t be with him after this and then while they get hot and heavy the water starts to ripple.

FRANKLIN
Frank meets with The King in his study and gives him the intel he got from Bill’s home. They both realize that Bill is up to something as he had that huge file on Sookie and her family. Franklin lets the King know that he’d like to keep Tara around. "She’s spectacularly different. She’s such a fucking disaster. We could be twins. The attraction is eeeeelectric." Franklin just went from dislike to like for me.

Franklin ties Tara to the bed after putting her in a nice new gown. Then he shows off his texting skills. Not kidding. As soon as he falls asleep Tara starts gnawing on the ropes. She must be hungry!

Eventually she gets free and manages to bounce. Unfortunately for her, the King’s house is patrolled by werewolves and Cooter runs her down and tackles her. Franklin cries and drools and yells a bunch. He’s f*cking nuts. He’s like "why would you be scared of ME?" Tara keys in on his insanity and acts like she’s into him and only scared of the other vampires.

Later that night, Franklin finds Tara crying at the dinner table because the vampires gave her a big lily to eat. Do vampires really think humans eat flowers? Don’t they live amongst us? They never saw a McDonald’s ad on TV? Anyway, Franklin is pissed and yells at the vampire guarding her. Crazy-ass Franklin is hilarious. He asks Tara to be his vampire bride and she makes this face:

BILL
Bill comes back from his stripper meal to find Tara all tied up in the dining room. Tara asks Bill for help and he says no. He goes upstairs for Lorena and he tells her she’s stupid and that she played herself into a corner and then slams his door in her face. The next night, the King confronts Bill with the files that Franklin stole. Bill turns on the charm and denies that the file is even his. The King says he thinks Bill has been tracing the telepaths in the Stackhouse family so he can finally get one for the Queen. Bill denies it. Cooter shows up and requests to speak with the King in private. The King calls for a guard to lock Bill back in his room. Guess he doesn’t trust him anymore.

After meeting with the King, Cooter shows up to tell Bill that Sookie’s fucking Alcide and Bill doesn’t take it too well…

And then he jacks the guard by melting his face onto the silver door…

And makes this face…

And then bounces to find Sookie. No doubt this is all part of the King’s plan to test Bill’s loyalty.

ERIC
Eric is brought to the King’s house and the King’s boyfriend (Talbot) takes an immediate liking to him. Eric asks the King for permission to hunt Mississippi for Bill (how rich!). The King’s like, "hey let’s ask Bill!" and then on queue he comes strolling in. Bill lets Eric know that Sookie and him are splitsville. Eric seems pleased. He comes clean about selling V for the Queen and asks the King for advice. The King, it turns out, hates the Magister as much as everyone else. He says he may have a solution and invites Eric to spend the night. Talbot looks like he might rape Eric in the middle of the night.

The next night the King requests that Eric keep Talbot entertained by letting Talbot give him the full tour. Talbot show’s him a 16th century Japanese scroll of Vampire erotica (who knew tentacle porn existed back then?).

Eric sees a crown that he recognizes and we get a flashback to old viking times. It’s Eric and his family. His dad is wearing the crown and they’re telling Eric he needs to settle down and marry a nice girl and be the future king. Eric goes off to bang the goat wench and while he’s doing that his entire family is being murdered by a pack of werewolves who answer to a mysterious hooded figure. Since Eric’s still human, he can’t do much but swear to his father that he’ll get vengeance. Only took a few hundred years, right?

SOOKIE/ALCIDE
Sookie and Alcide are speeding off from the party. Alcide is super pissed about what went down. Sookie, being as dumb as ever, says she wants to talk to the King as he’d know where Bill is (Sookie is turning into psycho ex). Alcide is like, uh, no. They go back to Alcide’s where Sookie is woken up by Alcide arguing with his ex. Sookie lays into the ex and defends Alcide before reading her mind. She doesn’t know where Bill is. Sookie, get over it.
The next morning Alcide tells Sookie that he’s running some errands but she reads his mind and finds out he’s going to see the pack master (pack master’s the alpha wolf and makes decisions for the pack since werewolves are all kind of stupid). Sookie weasels her way into going with him. He growls. I like this guy.

They go see the schlubby pack master (he even drives a shitty 80s Caddie). He knows all about the King and his wolves and he’s too scared to help. They let his drive off.

Sookie’s woken up when Bill comes to tell her to leave. Unfortunately it was just a trap and the King, Cooter, and the melty-face guard show up. Cooter kicks Alcide in the balls and he goes down like a lightweight ("Wolfman has nards!"). Bill doesn’t fare much better with the guard and Cooter goes for Sookie. He grabs her and she does her Sookie light-move:

Cooter gets thrown back. The King loves it. Bill looks a little surprised. Sookie looks a little surprised and the episode ends.

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‘True Blood’ Recap: 9 Crimes S3E4 http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-9-crimes-s3e4/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-9-crimes-s3e4/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Two weeks ago on "True Blood": Another body showed up, head missing. Sookie went to a werewolf bar with a cool werewolf (Alcide). Bill agreed to help the King of Mississippi screw over the Queen of Louisiana. Sam's redneck family got plastered on chick drinks at his bar. Jason contemplated a career in law enforcement. Tara f*cked the mysterious new vampire in town (Frank). Frank blackmailed Jess. Sam's brother tried to rob him. Bill mutilated Lorena's body while he fucked her in some weird-ass kinky vampire sex. This week starts with Sookie cleaning Alcide's wounds. He whines. She flirts. Bill calls. He's like, "Sookah, I can no longah handle the gap in your teeth. We’re through." Lorena is smirking in the background, so unfortunately she survived Bill's hate f*ck.MORE AFTER THE JUMP...

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Two weeks ago on "True Blood": Another body showed up, head missing. Sookie went to a werewolf bar with a cool werewolf (Alcide). Bill agreed to help the King of Mississippi screw over the Queen of Louisiana. Sam’s redneck family got plastered on chick drinks at his bar. Jason contemplated a career in law enforcement. Tara f*cked the mysterious new vampire in town (Frank). Frank blackmailed Jess. Sam’s brother tried to rob him. Bill mutilated Lorena’s body while he fucked her in some weird-ass kinky vampire sex.

This week starts with Sookie cleaning Alcide’s wounds. He whines. She flirts. Bill calls. He’s like, "Sookah, I can no longah handle the gap in your teeth. We’re through." Lorena is smirking in the background, so unfortunately she survived Bill’s hate f*ck.

MORE AFTER THE JUMP…

Sookie snuggles with (a tan, ripped, shirtless) Alcide and she goes, "ohmahgod, you’re so warm." This show is turning into Twilight. Not that I know there’s a scene in the new Twilight movie where Bella snuggles with a warm Jacob while Edward watches jealously. It would be totally gay to know that.

While Sookie and Alcide act out their favorite scenes from Eclipse and argue over who Bella should REALLY be with (OMG wouldn’t it be totes funny if Alcide was on Team Edward?) Sam runs around the forest yelling at Tommy for taking a huge eagle shit in his office. He then spots their family van sitting in his parking lot and yells at them a bit. Turns out they got evicted. Imagine that.

Over at Sookie’s house, Tara is getting interrogated by Frank, vampire-style (unfortunately it’s totally non-violent). She’s telling him everything she knows, which apparently isn’t anything important (it isn’t like Tara and Sookie ever talk or hang out). Franklin does this almost-Terminator like thing ("What’s wrong with Wolfie?" "Wolfie’s just fiiine. WHERE ARE YOU?") and talks through Tara to Sookie. It doesn’t really work, Tara tries to run, and then Franklin sinks his hefty fangs into her throat.

Meanwhile, Bill’s lying on the bed acting like a huge bitch while Lorena gloats. She gets halfway through a little speech about how Bill and her will be together again before Bill punches her square in the face and she goes flying back about 30 feet, out of the room and Bill locks her out. This episode should end with a PSA about domestic abuse.

Eric senses Sookie’ break up and immediately flies (literally) to Sookie’s side. Sookie "smells" Eric’s memories and he gets a total boner for her super powers. Then she shoves him on the bed and rips her robe off and hops on, bUT it turns out Eric was just fantasizing while watching a hot stripper. We still get this picture:

Sookie (in real life) tells Alcide that she still plans on finding Bill and he’s like "you’re an idiot" and I agree.

Lafayette calls Tara but she can’t answer because she’s too busy being gagged and tied to a toilet.

Back to Sookie. Turns out she called Alcide’s hot-ass sister who apparently specializes in whore makeup and fake tats so Sookie can infiltrate a werewolf engagement party. I hope werewolf engagement parties involve strippers. Sookie reads her mind while she picks out a good tramp stamp.

At Merlotte’s, they’re having a retirement party for Sheriff Bud (that was fast) and they announce that Andy will be the new sheriff. That’s nice.

Back to Sookie. She’s totally done up for the Harley rally at Sturgis:

Alcide’s like "damn you clean up nice." Sookie tells Alcide what she “heard” in his sister’s thoughts—about Alcide’s ex being addicted to V and that’s why she’s marrying the dick werewolf. Alcide decides to go the party after all.

While this is going on, Bill’s enjoying a smoke with the King. After the King agrees to let Bill kill Lorena, Bill tells him how the Queen of Louisiana is selling V through Eric. What a narc.

We head over to the budding relationship between Frank and Tara. He romantically duct tapes some flowers into her hands. Hopefully soon he’ll be gluing a ring on that finger!

Back to Merlotte’s, Sam’s hiring Jess because Arlene asked him to get more help and then she starts bitching about him hiring Jess. It’s about as annoying as that sentence is confusing. And then the cook’s like, "your shit-kicker family’s still parked in our beautiful swampy parking lot." And Sam’s like, "FML." New hostess Jess gets recognized by an old friend from bible study. He’s like "your parents are gonna be so happy!" and she’s like, "FML." Then she uses her vampire wiles to erase his memory. Hoyt sees from a distance and thinks she’s flirting. The hurt-puppy-Hoyt subplot is getting old.

As the Merlotte’s staff deals with their shit, Lafayette tries to sell V to a dealer (your standard B2B transaction) but ends up getting jumped. In the midst of his ass-beating Eric shows up and uses some strong-arm negotiating tactics to close the deal. As he and Lafayett drive away, Eric gets a phone call that Fangtasia is being raided by the Magister. They find the V which is really, really bad.

Back to Merlotte’s again (Jesus, this show jumps around a lot), Jason blackmails Andy into making him a cop and Sam tells his family that he’ll give them a place to live if they quit stealing shit and drinking purple nipples and sex on the beach. They agree.

Frank brings Tara to the King’s house. That’s all.

Eric deals with the Magister by telling him that Bill’s behind the V selling and that he must have framed him. Bill and Eric aren’t going to be BFFs after all this. The Magister gives him two days to collect evidence and prove it or Pam gets it.

Meanwhile, Sookie and Alcide are at the engagement party and Sookie is forced to take real shots (not that girly shit Sam’s family drinks) lest her cover be blown (don’t worry, she’s totally convincing as a biker chick—“No thanks! Oh wait, I mean, HELL YES!”). Alcide confronts his ex and I’m surprised that she isn’t very attractive (Debbie Gibson hair). I’m not surprised that she’s biker trash. She tells Alcide that she’s with THIS pack now and that he should stay and watch so he realizes that. Then they hoist her up and rip her clothes off while she body surfs the crowd. It’s not a stripper, but it’s pretty close.

The King is out in his limo with Bill and Lorena. He sends Bill into a strip club to bring back some ethnic food. Then he leaves Lorena alone to attend some business. Because the producers have robbed us of a stripper at the engagement party, they give us a nice long shot of the strip club Bill goes into.

The business the King needed to attend to was a guest appearance at the engagement party where he taps his wrist to give the pack his blood while they all bow to him and then brand Alcide’s ex. Then they all turn into wolves (including an out-of-control Alcide) and Sookie runs like hell. Bill picks up on her danger but he eats stripper take-out with the King and Lorena instead. The episode ends as blood pours out of the limo. Vampires are jerks.

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‘True Blood’ Recap: It Hurts Me Too S3E3 http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-it-hurts-me-too-s3e3/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/true-blood-recap-it-hurts-me-too-s3e3/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Previously on "True Blood," the King of Mississippi offered to make Bill a Sheriff if he'd spill the beans on the Queen of Louisiana's plans, Bill lit his maker on fire, Tara met a (seemingly) nice vampire who, unbeknownst to her, was doing a little B & E at the Compton house, Jessica was looking to get rid of a corpse, Jason caught a meth dealer, Sam went for a run with his shape-shifting brother, and Sookie and Eric were about to deal with an intruding werewolf. Onto this week's episode, "It Hurts Me Too."MORE AFTER THE JUMP...

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Previously on "True Blood," the King of Mississippi offered to make Bill a Sheriff if he’d spill the beans on the Queen of Louisiana’s plans, Bill lit his maker on fire, Tara met a (seemingly) nice vampire who, unbeknownst to her, was doing a little B & E at the Compton house, Jessica was looking to get rid of a corpse, Jason caught a meth dealer, Sam went for a run with his shape-shifting brother, and Sookie and Eric were about to deal with an intruding werewolf. Onto this week’s episode, "It Hurts Me Too."

MORE AFTER THE JUMP…

We start with a little Matrix action as they do bullet time on Sookie’s shot:

Eric takes the bullet before it can hit the wolf so he can do some questioning. The werewolf won’t give, so Eric bites out his jugular. Nice. Luckily Sookie used her mojo to pull some intel before Eric iced him (not in the Smirnoff sense). Dude worked for a dude named Jackson. Can’t be many people around with that name.

At the King’s house they’re rolling Bill’s ex around in a nice Celtic tapestry to put out the fire.

The King’s boyfriend is PISSED. Not that Bill lit Lorena on fire but that the tapestry’s been ruined. Apparently it really tied the room together. The King and Bill have a nice heart-to-heart about Sookie and the merits of turning her into a vampire.

While Bill and the King are sharing a moment, Eric and Sookie are as well, over the burying of the werewolf. So easy for Eric, so hard for Jessica. Eric tells Sookie what’s so scary about werewolves. They’re silent, not afraid to die, and if they have some V, they’re almost as strong as a vampire. So minus the V, they’re just quiet and unafraid to die? That’s it? I hope season 4 introduces ninjas to the show, cuz they’re silent, not afraid to die, and awesome with throwing stars. So like, +1 over werewolves.

Apparently the wolf didn’t work FOR Jackson, he’s FROM Jackson. TOTALLY narrows it down. Jackson Mississippi: population 628,817, errr 628,816. Eric can’t go with Sookie to Jackson and cautions her against going alone, but it’s Sookie. She’s 90% can-do attitude and 10% brains.

After Sookie heads inside and Eric does the whole vampire-vanishing thing, we cut to Tara having a vampire-induced orgasm and her vamp-lover looks weird as shit, doing this weird death moan with his fangs out. Less Tara sex and more Sookie sex, please.

Sam busts in on his new family’s house pissed at his little bro’s shenanigans and his dad is hanging out in his gross f*cking underwear again. Sam’s new momma tries to get Sam to stay but he insists on driving back to Bon Temps. Can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to crash there…

Jason’s riding high on his big bust and telling new roommate Hoyt how he’s going to be a cop. The citizens of Bon Temps feel safer already.

Tara ruins her post-coital cuddling with her new vamp-friend but it’s ruined when he says he doesn’t even know if she has a boyfriend and then she’s all like, "oh fuck me, I forgot to feel sorry for myself like, 3 hours of crazy vampire sex! Noooooo!" and runs away. We can’t be annoyed for too long however because we cut to Fangtasia and Pam is going down on their new Estonian stripper. Unfortunately, all the good bits are covered up. What happened to all the titties on this show? Fortunately Pam is again wearing one of her awesome outfits.

Jess interrupts the best part of the episode to ask via telephone what she should do now that her body is missing. Pam’s like, "the body you wanted to get rid of is gone? You’re an idiot." and she goes back to having fun with Fangtasia’s newest, and super hot, employee.

While Pam’s getting down, and Sam and Sookie are having the world’s shortest reunion, and Jason is proving he’ll be the world’s dumbest cop, Merlotte’s second best waitress is at the doctor finding out that she’s 9 weeks pregnant. Uh oh. Does this mean she’s having that Cajun serial killer’s baby?

Merlotte’s worst waitress, Tara, gets a phone call letting her know she’s about to miss Eggs’ funeral and would she like to have Eggs served scrambled, sunny-side up, or over easy. Kidding! She heads on over and there’s no one there. Weird that a cult member who murdered a grip of people after spending time in jail wouldn’t have more people at his funeral. She asked who paid for it and Sookie, who may be kind of dumb but has awesome timing, steps out from behind a tombstone and goes "I did." Do you know what funerals cost? This show is SO unbelievable. Tara’s like, "Sookie, you’re mah best friend." and Sookie’s like, "that’s cuz you’re such a mean bitch all the time."

The camera pans to a grave for Thomas Compton and we hop in the way-back machine to 1868 for a Bill flashback. It’s Bill coming home after being turned into a blood-sucker 3 years previous. His wife invites him in and she has an open casket in her fucking living room. Jesus. Turns out little Thomas got the small pox and no undertaker will touch him. And no wonder, his corpse is kind of gross.

Bill’s wife becomes privy to his condition after feeling how cold he is and seeing his nasty blood tears. Of course, this is way before Twilight so she has no idea what a vampire is and tries to shoot him. Not that any Twilight fans have a fucking clue what a vampire is supposed to be ("Why doesn’t Bill twinkle in the sun? This show is stupid."). Bill’s arm heals Wolverine-fast which just scares his wife even more. She runs out of the house and is intercepted by super bitch Lorena. She has the worst timing. Lorena starts to glamor Bill’s wife when Bill wakes from his dream.

Speaking of bad dreams, Jason’s having one of his own about the police academy entry exam when Lafayette wakes him up to sign a work form. Turns out Jason was napping on the job. Lafayette starts complaining about having to live with the hemorrhoid that is Tara when Hoyt starts losing his shit because he found a headless corpse. You’d think the citizens of Bon Temps would be used to this kind of thing by now.

Sookie’s back from the funeral and still in her nice dress cleaning up the blood in her house AGAIN when a werewolf shows up. After she screams and runs he tells her that his name is Alcide and that Eric sent him to help her in Jackson. Well that’s nice.

Sam’s new white trash family shows up at Merlotte’s, and juding by his dad’s reaction, it’s the first restaurant they’ve ever been. I almost didn’t recognize his dad without his piss and shit-stained tighty whities. He acts like he won the lottery when Sam lets them know that lunch is on the house.

Hoyt’s crime scene is being analyzed (and pretty well) by Andy and the sheriff (the regular kind, not the cool vampire kind) and the sheriff is so sick of seeing weird-ass shit that he quits on the spot with a great little diatribe on being the sheriff in Bon Temps. William Sanderson is awesome.

Sookie’s serving tea to the werewolf because if there’s one thing she loves it’s being nice to monsters. And if there’s two things she loves it’s being nice to monsters and southern hospitality. She has some really tough talk for the werewolves that took her man and I’m reminded that she doesn’t know that Bill’s sleeping in 2,000-thread count sheets. Boy is she going to feel stupid.

Back to 1868 and Bill’s dealing with his wife by glamoring her into forgetting that he showed up. Lorena loves it. She’s such a bitch. I hope he lights her on fire again. As he buries his son Lorena tells him "The only way you can show your love for a human is by staying away. Forever." Uh oh Sookie. Bill wakes up crying blood. Aaaand the sheets are ruined.

The King and his boyfriend are talking to Cooter and the King’s boyfriend has some real zingers. He offers Cooter a Zima which would have been way funnier two years ago when they still made it. Bill interrupts all the complaining and insulting by renouncing his fealty to Louisiana and pledges his loyalty to the King of Mississippi. The King immediately orders that "the girl" be let go. Uh, "the girl" wasn’t Lorena? Lorena is not at all pleased about this. Can’t wait to see who the girl is.

After a short scene between Jason and Tara where Jason apologizes for not being there for Tara (and seeing a bullet hole in her forehead), we’re tossed over to Lafayette’s house where Eric is honking for him outside. He gives Lafayette a car and a bunch of compliments for being his top seller. It’s a really nice car.

Arlene tells Terry that she’s pregnant, but before she can tell him that the little bastard isn’t his he’s practically jumping up and down so she lets him think that it actually is his. With all the characters and shit on this show do we really need this "Days of Our Lives" subplot?

Sam’s family is drinking their fill since it’s on Sam and he’s forced to kick them out before they can cause a scene and embarrass him.

Over at the Compton household, Tara’s new boyfriend (who’s name is Franklin, BTW) shows up to make friends with Jessica. And by make friends I mean hilariously blackmail her with the dead trucker’s head. He wants everything she knows about Bill, which probably isn’t much.

Jason comes home after a night drinking and Hoyt’s left him an application for the local PD. Hoyt’s so sweet. Jason burns it.

Sam’s getting some shut-eye when the alarm at Merlotte’s goes off. He runs over to find an eagle going through all his shit. Fucking eagles man. Oh, it’s his brother Tommy. Nevermind. He leaves a trash bag and his jeans behind as he flies out the window. Sam’s pissed.

Proving that they aren’t above a clever pun, the werewolves in Jackson have named their werebar "Lou Pines" (get it? Lupine?). They also all ride Harleys. Werewolves are cool. Alcide and Sookie head inside to make some new friends. Alcide sends Sookie off to get information on her own. Huh? Why not just hang by the bar and let Sookie read minds? This wonderful plan ends with Sookie almost getting raped before Alcide stops the guy. We learn that Alcide’s ex is engaged to Cooter. Should make for a nice rivalry.

Tara’s new boyfriend shows up at Sookie’s place to talk to Tara and now knows way more than he should after just talking to Jessica. He glamors Tara into inviting him in. They can do that? That’s way unfair. That’s like not being invited in at all.

The episode ends after Bill hate f*cks Lorena by twisting her head clean with her spine going all crackly. What. The. F*ck. This is sick, even for "True Blood."

No new episode next week because of the 4th of July but we’ll be back the week after to see if a vampire can live after having her neck totally snapped or if Bill was f*cking a dying body. Gross.

The post ‘True Blood’ Recap: It Hurts Me Too S3E3 appeared first on Screen Junkies.

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