If this were just a movie about cool robot fights, that would be awesome. That’s not what it is though. The robot fights are only okay at best, and it’s not a lack of plot that’s the problem. There’s TOO MUCH plot. Guys, stop telling Hollywood you want more story in your blockbusters. They don’t get it. They think it just means adding more explanation. Each sequel has a BIGGER plot that overshadows the action by sheer magnitude.

See New 3D 'Transformers: Dark Of The Moon' Trailer, If You've Got The Tech

I kind of dig the idea that the space program was really a government mission to investigate a crashed Cybertron ship on the moon. Just leave it at that. Don’t explain how Sam (Shia Labeouf) goes on job interviews making racist comments to Japanese stereotypes. Don’t have Charlotte (Frances McDormand) come in to reign in the Autobots until it’s too late. Don’t have Dylan Gold (Patrick Dempsey) explain… whatever it was he knew about. If it’s only about the robots, why apologize for that by contriving a long convoluted conspiracy plot? Is it guilt?

Of course Michael Bay introduces Sam’s new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) with an ass shot. Sam’s just used to having hot girlfriends now so he just complains about his job prospects and gender dynamics with disparate income levels. One of Sam’s little robot friends (either Brains or the other one) even comments on his last girlfriend, the mean one. Mom actually says, “What a gorgeous box” while a close-up of Huntington-Whitley is on screen. I mean, I’m not reading too much into this, am I? There was a possible hentai scene with Decepticon tentacles threatening her. Missed opportunity there.

9 photos‘Transformers 3′ Rolls Out Shiny, New Stills

There’s really not any action while all of this is going on. A few office machines turn into robots and the Autobots blow through some Iraqi roadblocks, but that’s just busy. It’s not really action. About an hour in there’s an okay freeway chase, but it’s totally derivative of the better freeway chase in Transformers 1 with the bus.

Finally the climactic battle goes on for about 55 minutes. That would be enough for sheer volume, if you’d gotten to it in 45 minutes. 90 minutes in, you’ve already burned that bridge. I still wasn’t engaged like in the first film. The tilted building is okay, like Inception with real world physics. Five minutes into that sequence, we see there are still people in the offices. Were they just trying to finish their work the whole time?

The IMAX does look better in the 2.35:1 ratio than the full frame IMAX sequences of Revenge of the Fallen. The 3-D cameras force it to remain steady. Even handheld shots are careful. But what really looks cool is the trailer to Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. With a full IMAX sequence on the Burj Khalifa, that movie looks fantastic!

August 15^th, 2017

Yo yo yo,

What’s up, man? Long time no talk. I know, I know, I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve been busy you know? The future isn’t all flutes and unicorns prancing beside naked chicks or whatever it is you idiots back there think the future would look like. By the way, I found our kid Lamont Suzuki (again don’t ask.)

9 photos‘Transformers 3′ Rolls Out Shiny, New Stills

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. Hey jerkoff, don’t copy my sweet moves in Gears of War 9 for the X-Octo 1080, you butthole. You made me lose Ardingie points. Now I have to redo the entire level.

When Chicago was destroyed waaay back in Transformers: Dark of the Moon (remember that disaster?) Sam decided he missed Mikaela and in Transformers 5: Witreckoning, Sam and Mikaeal reunited after the Decepticons captured her and injected Herpes Bots into her body to try and infect the entire human race. They failed.

With the Autobots fleeing to Neptune, The Queenbots and Decepticons had formed a pact to rule the planet. The Queenbots would watch over the humans and take care of the day-to-day operations. The lawns were always freshly mowed, parades were run in a timely manner, the sushi was tightly rolled, and the Jewtrons had kept the world’s finances in order. But the Decepticons were not to be trusted. The Decepticons turned on the Queenbots, who couldn’t defeat Megatrontania. The QueenBots were ordered to reenter their world of Culo as hard and as fast as they could. The Decepticons now ruled the planet Earth.

Director Tony Scott, who has taken over for Michael Bay after Michael decided to reboot his Bad Boys franchise with a now grown Jaden Smith, can’t handle the scope of a Transformers movie. Using the latest Oxnard 6000 HD-I-D 3D INDEE SPINDEE FUNDEE technology, he planted the cameras in the ground, giving the audience a dead man’s view of the action. And with his camera sweeping and incessant zoom in/zoom out habits, you’re left feeling like someone stuffed you in a dryer and turned it on for two hours.

Things pick up in the second act when word reached Neptune that the planet eating Oprahcron was headed to Earth. Optimus and his new bride Vaglock (Transformers can now reproduce) have distanced themselves from the rest of the Autobots. PaulWalkerMax, leader of the Brobot faction, instructed the other Autobots to “Totally help Earth before someone gets hurt.” but nobody would listen to him, laughing every time he talked about his ancient battles with VinDieselitawn, a Transformer who played Dungeons & Dragons with humans and liked to eat hot dogs.

Optimus, who now calls himself a Trans-Amformer, hears about the threat when one of the Queenbots goes to Neptune and tells him that they made a mistake and the Decepticons are by themselves on Earth, destroying the planet. Optimus is furious at such news. He rises up slowly, camera panning up his body, still panning, Optimus is still rising, panning, rising as the light from the moons of Neptune glisten off the metallic golden eagle on his chestplate, camera still panning, rising….holy shit, is he ever going to…still panning up…Optimus is still risi…ok, Optimus, now fully erect, finds the other Autobots and tells them they must return to Earth and destroy the Decepticons once and for all while the Queenbots take care of Oprahcron.

The 3^rd act is a nightmare to try and follow, keeping up the tradition of previous Transformers movies. Robots are so closely packed I can’t tell if they’r fighting or screwing.

Human soldiers Tyrese and Josh Dumb-as-hell or whatever his name is, are still trying to shoot robots with machine guns. Tyrese, now with 50 million Flutter followers (Twitter was purchased by Flutter) Fluts his lines in the movie on his iPhone 10 instead of verbally speaking them. Audience members receive the Fluts on their phones while watching the movie.

The Queenbots attack Oprahcron by continuously jabbing her with their Robowangs. Oprahcron opens her mouth getting ready to swallow all of the Queenbots but they quickly enter her from behind and begin to destroy her from within. Oprahcron starts to explode, her eyes bulge as white hot liquid metal exits from all of her orifices.

In the end, the Decepticons are defeated and the Autobots regain control. The human race is saved. Or is it? After the credits, a shot of a giant mysterious Transformer is seen talking to a fleeing Megatrontonia. Who could it be? We’ll have to wait and see when Transformers 8: Putain De Bordel De Merde! opens in 2018.

Rating: D+

Alright man, I’m out. Hope you and your readers dug this future review of Transformers 7: The Bright Side of Neptune. I’ll try and send you future reviews in the…well, in the future. Oh, before I go, be sure to wear a condom on December 4^th, 2012. I love our kid but the little bastard just escaped again and I’m really wondering if I should go look for him or wait for that “Oh no, not Lamont.” reaction I’ll have when the police call.

Later,

You. I mean me.

Stay ahead of the game and follow El Guapo on Twitter!

First up we’ve got a pic from Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon that shows Rosie Huntington-Whitely being led to safety by America’s new favorite everyman, Shia Labeouf. He must have just rescued her from a day spa or something, because the poor guy looks like he has gone through hell while she looks like she’s ready for tea at the Plaza. He’s also carrying a messenger bag and rocking his go-to motorcycle jacket, so it’s nice to see that his character hasn’t embraced the preppy look like so many of my douchey friends have. Way to stay strong, Shia.

Man, I wish they had a picture of a Transformer in there, or something. It would make for a much more compelling image. Oh well.

Give yourself a minute to catch your breath and we’ll move on to a still that is somehow more mundane. If you weren’t too drunk during your Super Bowl party, you may remember the trailer for J.J. Abrams‘ Super 8. Well, one of those quick cuts is back from the grave. In still form. I’ve got goosebumps too, guys.

This project has been shrouded in secrecy, which should be no surprise considering Abrams’ involvement.

As we discussed before in dissecting the teaser, that’s probably not an errant sound guy in the background, but a player in the “movie within a movie” set up. Which means that the movie will features layers of meaning (read: confusion). Keep on trucking, J.J. You’re doing God’s work. God’s frustrating, confusing work.

The sound guy seems miffed.

Michael Bay overreacts upon seeing 3D film-making for the first time.

Michael Bay has some news for morons. There have recently been rumors that Transformers 3: Dark Of The Moon has been having problems with its 3Dness, which is ridiculous. This is Michael Bay we’re talking about. If anything, the only problem could be that his film-making is TOO awesome, and should be relegated to 2D to preserve the fabric of reality. Though he was once a critic of 3D, he’s now seen the light and loved working with the technology. He also encourages moviegoers to buy the more expensive ticket. Here’s his rant via MichaelBay.com:

Wow, I read these morons on the internet who think they are in the know. “We have have problems with our 3D????” Really? Come into my edit room and I will show you beautiful 3D. There has never been a live action show that has pushed the boundaries of 3D like Transformers 3. We shot the entire movie with 3D cameras. I actually loved shooting in 3D.

I will give full details of my process and why I liked 3D in the next week right before the Transformers announcement piece comes out on Tron and Narnia.

And don’t watch this movie in 2D, we made it for 3D.

Michael

Did you hear that? He just invited us all to his edit bay. You can come with us but make sure your blue jeans don’t scratch the sofa. Otherwise, we’ll keep an eye out for the teaser attached to Tron: Legacy. And if any of you guys see Narnia, let us know what you thought. I’m betting we’ll see an astronaut attacked on the moon or something. Hopefully, we’ll get to see this sweet baby on film:

^{"Is there anybody out there?"}

Transformers 3 officially has a title, and it officially doesn’t make any sense. Transformers: The Dark Of The Moon is the title that an adult pieced together, wrote down on a page, submitted to a major film studio, and will now be printed on billboards, T-shirts, posters, and fast food tie-ins.

Sounds like a) a clever way of side-stepping legal issues with Pink Floyd, or b) a note someone would jot down while baked out of their mind. Not sure if the baked person in question is Michael Bay or writer Ehren Kruger, but it’s something we’d expect more from Shia. He’s at that age. (Collider)