Did Michael Bay Use The Same Incomprehensible Footage In Two Movies?

Uh, apparently there was another movie that opened this weekend too. It’s called Larry Crowne, a romantic comedy directed by up-and-comer Tom Hanks, who’s probably going to have a little trouble getting work after its paltry $14 million-dollar opening weekend. Maybe next time, kid. (The Playlist)

So, what’s playing this weekend? You might be sorry you asked.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Michael Bay is back, and this time, it’s personal. I’ve always wanted to use that line, and now I have!

7 photosRosie Huntington-Whiteley

Best Review
It’s a momentous achievement and it will make untold amounts of money and you should see it even though it’s hateful and empty and preaches the worst kind of reactionary violence without even really meaning it.

Andrew O’Hehir – Salon.com

Worst Review
Watchin Transformers: Dark of the Moon makes you die a little inside. Is this the future of movies? God help us! Michael Bay, you’ve done it again.

Peter Travers – Rolling Stone

Our Recommendation
For the most part, the reviews have been horrible. But honestly, what else is there to say? It’s just more of the same, so there’s no point in defending or decrying this film. If you enjoy Michael Bay’s mindless explosion-filled mayhem, go and see it. If you don’t, don’t.

Larry Crowne

Through the years, Tom Hanks has made many memorable romantic comedies.

New 'Larry Crowne' Trailer Is Like A More Serious 'Back To School'

Best Review
Too cute for its own good, Larry Crowne is nonetheless hard to dislike.

Steven Rea – Philadelphia Inquirer

Worst Review
Soulless Hollywood product doesn’t provide a better textbook example than this Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts vehicle.

Peter Howell – Toronto Star

Our Recommendation
Unless you’re a 50-year-old housewife, you’re probably not going to enjoy this film. Then again, given the other options you have to choose from this weekend, it might win the title of “most watchable” by default.

Monte Carlo

If you’re a tween girl, I’ve got some great news for you.

'Monte Carlo' Trailer Looks Generally Horrible

Best Review
For girls of a certain age (and their mothers), Monte Carlo hits the sweet spot.

Carrie Rickey – Philadelphia Inquirer

Worst Review
It’s chirpy, it’s bright, there are pretty locations and lots happens. This is the kind of movie that can briefly hold the attention of a cat.

Roger Ebert – Chicago Sun-Times

Our Recommendation
If you want your wives and daughters viewing a film that hits their “sweet spots,” then by all means, send them to this Monte Carlo. For the rest of you, avoid it like the plague.

With that in mind, we’ve created the following quiz. You think you know a lot about the Transformers? Then, take the Screen Junkies Ultimate ‘Transformers’ Quiz and prove it.

10 photosMegan Fox

Asked if he hooked up with Fox, LaBeouf nods affirmatively. “Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them,” he explains. “I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.” When I inquire about Fox’s status at the time with her longtime boyfriend, Brian Austin Green, LaBeouf replies, “I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. . . .”—repeating the phrase exactly 12 times with various intonations, as if trying to get it just right. Finally, he says, “It was what it was.”

I’m not saying that I believe him cuz I don’t, but Shia should watch his back. He just made a powerful enemy.

Was into Energon before it was cool.

While the letter’s tone may seem polite and deferential to the untrained eye, those in the know are able to read between the lines I am not in the know. However, by using sophisticated translation software, I have been able to sift through the Hollywood-speak and decipher the true meaning of Bay’s letter. So, with out further ado, I give you a translation of Michael Bay‘s letter to projectionists.

Dear Projectionist,

Translation: Dear Reel Monkey,

I am proud to have you presenting Transformers – Dark of the Moon.

Translation: How proud you must be to be projecting Transformers – Dark of the Moon. Given the lowly nature of your job, this feeling of pride may feel unfamiliar and possibly uncomfortable. However, there is no need to panic. These strange new feelings are sure to subside once you crawl back to whatever squalid domicile you call home, assuming you are actually able to afford shelter on your meager wages.

We worked very hard to make this the very best 3D live action film.

Translation: By “we” I mean “I.” I worked extremely hard on this. Do you know how hard it is to work with robots? Trust me, it’s brutal. So the last thing I need is you eff up my shit, brah.

To help counter the recent trend of audiences being underwhelmed by ‘dark dingy’ looking 3D…

Translation: If you’re not one of my boys Stevie Spiel or Jimmy Cam then your 3D movie belongs in my golden toilet.

…we have invented various post production processes never before used in this format to enhance sharpness, improve contrast, and render more vibrant colors.

Translation:…it’s just like real life, bitches.

It is critical that your projectors play to the brightness levels specified for the best results.

Translation: Make sure this shit looks really bright. Put the Junior Mints down, get off your ass and read the damn instructions. Just follow the picture of my hand turning a dial past its breaking point.

We have also created a new “Platinum 6 version” of Transformers, for the ultimate in 3D experience, to be played in auditoriums capable of 6-foot lamberts of light on the screen (available to certified auditoriums only).

Translation: Yeah, lamberts. You know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t, I don’t have the time to explain it. But don’t take that to mean that I don’t know what lamberts are because I do.

We are all in this together.

Translation: This is all on you.

Your theaters invested a lot of money in the equipment and we work very hard to deliver a great experience.

Translation: The $70 million I make off of backend points doesn’t just appear out of thin air.

Projectionists are of ultimate importance because your expertise defines the audience’s experience.

Translation: In five years, your job will not exist and the word “projectionist“ will be about as culturally relevant as a compact disk.

Let’s make the audience believe again.

Translation: Let’s make the audience forget Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.

All the best,

Translation: Suck it,

Michael Bay

Translation: Jesus Christ

9 photos‘Transformers 3′ Rolls Out Shiny, New Stills

“We want the best presentation possible. We have created a special version with extra sharpening, color and contrast. It is a superior look in the format. The brighter the image, the brain processes in a different way (sic) and the result sharpens and makes it more vibrant.

“We did many studies on the formats for presentation and I found this to be the best result.”

It’s reported that these brighter prints deliver almost twice the brightness of regular prints and will kick any dim projector’s ass. They also give the projectionist testicular cancer and night terrors but, hey, you need eggs in your omelettes, people. The special brighter digital prints will go to about 2,000 theaters, all using the RealD 3D system. Remaining screens, including all RealD competitors, will run at standard brightness. If you choose to see it that way, you and your brain are on your own. Bay can only give you so much. (Variety)

12 photosVictoria’s Secret Fashion Show Angels Hot Pics Girls Yowza!

Now, the fembot hired to replace Fox, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, is speaking out about her experience posing on car hoods for Bay (the man who is making her a star):

“I think what Shia was saying was that Michael loves women, and I think he films women in a very sensual way… We had great fun. I never feel uncomfortable with Michael. And if I do, I make sure I tell him. He’s always respects it.”

Given Rosie’s background with Victoria’s Secret, she’s pretty cool with letting the girls out. Who knows? Transformers: Dark Of The Moon may finally be our chance to see a hot chick deep throat drive shaft. We’ve all been waiting for it. (Cinema Blend)

3 photosShocker: New ‘Transformers 3′ Images Feature Explosions

In an interview, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura recently described Shockwave as “a ball of destruction, pulling whole skyscrapers down. He’s a messy guy to have in our world.” I hear he also doesn’t use a spoon when he eats pasta, and sauce gets all over the city. Very messy. Also, he kills a lot of people.

Michael Bay‘s Autobots roll into theaters June 29, 2011. (USA Today)

12 photosVictoria’s Secret Fashion Show Angels Hot Pics Girls Yowza!

“Mike films women in a way that appeals to a 16-year-old sexuality. It’s summer. It’s Michael Bay‘s style. And I think [Megan Fox] never got comfortable with it. This is a girl who was taken from complete obscurity and placed in a sex-driven role in front of the whole world and told she was the sexiest woman in America. And she had a hard time accepting it. When Mike would ask her to do specific things, there was no time for fluffy talk. We’re on the run. And the one thing Mike lacks is tact. There’s no time for [LaBeouf assumes a gentle voice] ‘I would like you to just arch your back 70 degrees.’”

“Rosie comes with this Victoria’s Secret background, and she’s comfortable with it, so she can get down with Mike’s way of working and it makes the whole set vibe very different. Megan developed this Spice Girl strength, this woman-empowerment [stuff] that made her feel awkward about her involvement with Michael who some people think is a very lascivious filmmaker, the way he films women.”

Ouch. “Fluffy talk.” “Spice Girls strength.” My ass feels like it was slapped just by reading that. (Hero Complex)

As for the trailer itself, there doesn’t appear to be a lot of new footage in it. But if you’re excited about Transformers: Dark of the Moon, it might be worth a watch. And you’re not alone, either, since this movie is somehow getting a lot of positive buzz. Maybe it’s all a racket to get people to buy My 3D devices. (The Hollywood Reporter)

“Early response to footage, especially the 3D footage, has been great so we want to get the word out that this film is as good or better than the first and much better than the last.”

I guess the excitement over that clip with Patrick Dempsey has caused Paramount to relent to the people’s feverish demands to see Transformers: Dark of the Moon as soon as possible. See? Democracy does work. (Deadline)

The clip is a teaser in that it takes us right up to the moment of conflict, but it does peak my curiosity, but in wingsuits. Might they be made for formal occasions? I plan on gaining A LOT of weight this summer. Will I still be able to use one in mid-autumn if I weigh 400 lbs?

Anyway, here’s a clip of some army guys acting like sugar gliders. It’s cooler than it sounds.

But, no matter how much you imagine it, there aren’t any robots to be seen here. Just Patrick Dempsey vaguely being a dick to Shia LaBeouf. Which sounds cool on paper, but I dunno. I kind of wanted there to be robots. (Comingsoon)

Now, Michael Bay is offering a $25,000 bounty to anyone who can spot these two cut-ups in his latest movie. Here’s the call to arms, directly from the man’s website itself:

“After the internet posting of a nice review by someone who sa Transformers: Dark of the Moon, the writer had not been clear on one thing. He misstated that the Twins are in the film. They are not. S I am offering a $25,000 REWARD to anyone who can find them performing in Transformers 3, on July 1, when the movie opens.”

I’m guessing that people will say that this means that the robots aren’t in the movie, but they’re just fools. I’m going to go camp out in front of a theater near me so I can get my hands on that bounty. Later!

Put it together and you get… movie. Woo hoo.

Shia LeBeouf and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley star as apparently shocked humans in a movie where Autobots continue to fight Decepticons, destroying Earth while doing so. Honestly, I can’t imagine why they’re looking so shocked, since this sort of thing seems to happen quite a bit, at least to LeBeouf. Directed by Michael Bay, who promises to “roll out” of the series after this entry, Transformers: Dark of the Moon destroys Earth theaters on July 1, 2011. I recommend just renting this on Netflix instead, and if you want the IMAX experience, just sit close to the TV. (Vulture)

]]> http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/new-transformers-dark-of-the-moon-poster-looks-something/feed/ 1 http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/transformers-dark-of-the-moon-trailer-is-up/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/transformers-dark-of-the-moon-trailer-is-up/#comments Thu, 28 Apr 2011 21:53:02 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=Video&p=209576 All hail our new robot overlords in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, the third installment in the blockbuster franchise. Same song, different verse as Autobots and Decepticons battle it out in Chicago over humans lying to Optimus Prime about what the found on the moon 40 years ago. (Just nod and smile.)

It’s looking like the Transformers are raising hell in another downtown. Couldn’t they find a nice farm or pasture to battle in? It would really cut down on the destruction they cause all the civilians.

Other observations:

• Optimus Prime is a bit of a twirler
• Bumblebee has gotten pretty good at parkour
• Flying squirrel people are our last line of defense

God help us all.

There are also two photos that don’t have any robots, unless the new model Transformers have the ability to transform into Shia LaBeouf. But before you weep for the future, remember: Michael Bay could be wrong. You might find yourself in the not-too-distant future enjoying friendship with a robot. Just try to make sure it’s not a Decepticon. (Apple)

They’ve been dribbling out stills for a while now, so there isn’t much to say other than T3 Day (a little something I’ve made up) hits July 1st and these pictures remind us that Shia, Rosie, Michael, Bumble, and Optimus all brought their A-game to entertain you, the audience. So go see their movie. I’ve heard it’s a real thinkpiece.

Even with a busy shooting schedule, Michael Bay makes time for his Tai Chi.

Way to go, Optimus. It looks like they Decepticons only took out like 2 million people before you stopped them.

Thinking she will be distracted by the robots, Shia LaBeouf reaches for Rosie Huntingon-Whitely’s labia, but misjudges the distance and grabs only air.

William H. Macy had to get up at 3:30 AM every morning for 3 hours of prosthetics and makeup to turn into Bumblebee.

His thoughts on the series being rebooted after Transformers: Dark Of The Moon:

“It still could be rebooted. Not with Shia. He’s turning grumpy in his old age. He’s like a little brother to me but I told him, ‘I’m never going to work with you when you’re older.’ [Shia said] ‘Why?’ ‘Because you’re just a grump.’ You put him on a wire and he turns into this evil monster. Other actors say, ‘This is really fun,’ he’s just the opposite.”

How he raised the bar to film the craziest stunt he’s ever filmed:

“We did one of the craziest things I’ve ever filmed which is these wingsuit guys [extreme base jumpers]. I’m like, ‘I’m writing a scene for those guys.’ We have this great scene where they fly between the buildings. We had to block off a mile and a half, they made turns around the buildings, very close, but the city [of Chicago] allowed us to do that. Jumping off the Sears Tower flying through the streets. That’s just unheard of.”

And why you should never, EVER criticize his editing:

“You know what, you should do a study on Paul Greengrass movies and mine… I was one of the first way back when to do ‘Bad Boys’ in a fast cutting style. I was one of the first to do the fast cutting style… I didn’t have a lot of money, I had nine million… almost no movies did that fast cut, I got a lot of shit for it. Now you look at action movies today, then you look at Paul Greengrass, they get nominated for an Academy Award for cutting so f—ing fast. My cuts, we should analyze, we should do a math test, take the same length of movie and see who has more cuts. I‘ll have less cuts, I guarantee you. It’s a stigma that sticks with me and it’s not fair.

“I get a little hot under the collar about the editing,” he said with a smile.

And this is also official confirmation that “Iridescent” will be the film’s title track (somehow?). No idea how the song will be worked into the film. It could appear during an intense chase scene, or in a scene where Shia LeBeouf is at a party, but then the party is ruined because someone decides to play the new Linkin Park single, “Iridescent.” (via SuperHeroHype)

I didn’t see Transformers 2, but my understanding is that all I missed were a bunch of racist transform-o-bots. However, the first Transformers movie focused a lot on the stupid boring humans, and these pictures show a bunch of stupid boring humans. So for the next batch of pictures, let’s see some sports cars that turn into ninjas or something.

Transformers 3 explodes in 3D theaters on July 1st (Collider, SpoilerTV)

You may remember that Michael Bay wanted to get away from giant robots after pouring his sweat and intern’s blood and tears into Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. His preferred way of doing this was to step into a smaller project more in the vain of Pulp Fiction. Bay had planned to make to the dark comedy Pain & Gain, based on the true story of two imbecilic bodybuilders who get involved in an extortion scam.

Then Paramount got him liquored up and talked him out of it.

“I was one or two martinis in, talking about my ‘small’ film, when the president of Paramount said, ‘Yeah, that’s what we’re here to talk about. I’m going to get fucking fired if I don’t have a big franchise.’ It was right when the economy was in the dump. When you do these movies you instantly give 2,000 jobs. So I was like, ‘Okay—as long as I can figure out how to get creatively excited about this.’ “

Haha. I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

BAY: I’ve got this great project that really shows the world what else Michael Bay is capable of.

PARAMOUNT: I’m listening.

BAY: It will really play to my comedic sensibilities.

PARAMOUNT: Err… oh man. SHOTS!!!

(Empire)

“We made some mistakes,” admits Bay. “The real fault with [Transformers 2] is that it ran into a mystical world. When I look back at it, that was crap.  The writers’ strike was coming hard and fast. It was just terrible to do a movie where you’ve got to have a story in three weeks.”

“I was prepping a movie for months where I only had 14 pages of some idea of what the movie was,” Bay goes on. “It’s a BS way to make a movie, do you know what I’m saying?”

Arrgggh. That is a BS way to make a movie. F&^%in’ writers, man. But hey, what was it he boasted to Rotten Tomatoes back in ’08?

“I’ve been writing Transformers 2. We’ve got our characters all designed. I always write all my scripts, my movies anyway so at least I’ve got something to give the writers. It’s like a template. We have a really good outline so I worked on that.”

Oh. Next thing you know, Heaven for Robots will be discovered as a real thing. Then he’ll be bragging he invented it. (Empire)

Check out his braided facial hair. Like many of our older bro’s, Sentinel Prime also seems to be a big Phish fan. You’d think he’d get that out of his system after college but guess not. Sentinel is reported to be a “big brother and mentor to Optimus Prime.” Someone to look up to who sometimes let Optimus hang with he and his ultimate frisbee buddies. (Empire via Collider)

Of course it will be hokey. And it looks like that will be provided in the form of the NASCAR-themed robots, The Wreckers. It’s not quite wrecking ball testicles or the racist twins but does the series really need robots with mullets? Who does that appeal to besides people with mullets?

Whatever. The target audience will still laugh and squeal when the robot dances to “Achy, Breaky Heart” and spits chewing tobacco on John Turturro. God, I hope this thing develops a meth addiction. (via Topless Robot)

Anyway, here are some Super Bowl ads for Thor, Captain America, and Transformers 3. Be sure to buy lots of concessions when you go see these movies in the theater as a result of seeing them here – the studios spent a lot of money on these:

Transformers ‘Dark of The Moon’ Super Bowl Trailer (720p) from Michael Bay Dot Com on Vimeo.