And tuck your pants into your socks, there are zombies out there.

 The people have spoken and their voices were heard. And thus, we did something really nerdy with Prometheus footage. But mostly because we’re still pissed about Lost!

And every time I realize that I am not watching a soup commercial, a part of me dies.

In case Tyler Perry as a giant detective isn’t enough for you (YOU SICK BASTARD!), this clip also features Matthew Fox as a serial killer who also enjoys mixed martial arts.

I’m writing this piece as I watch the video piecemeal, because I can’t seem to handle the thing in one big chunk, and I’ve got a new favorite line. Disregard “He’s ex-military, judging by his tactics,” and introduce yourself to my new favorite, “I will meet his soul at the gates of hell before I let him take another person that I love from me,” immediately followed by the graphic “From Rob Cohen, Director of The Fast and the Furious.”

Rather than shelling out $20 to fund James Cameron’s next submarine adventure, we suggest you just watch the Screen Junkies honest trailer, and see what Titanic 3D is all about without wasting another 3.5 hours of your life.

If there’s a tween-age girl you’re looking to piss off, be sure and forward her this trailer…unless of course there’s a court order that prevents you from doing so, in which case, don’t worry about it.

The Judd Apatow produced film (directed by David Wain) tells the story of a couple from New York who flee the city in search of something more. What they end up finding is a commune full of promiscuous hippies. Compare that to what the travelers found in The Hills Have Eyes, and I think it’s safe to say the Wanderlust characters really lucked out.

The guys at FilmDunk/Frotcast also take issue with that decided lack of realism, and so a fan has heard their call and cut together this trailer for Warhorsey, the horse that poops. It’s a more realistic approach to War Horse and solves the issue of what happens after Joey eats all that hay. Too bad that the original release didn’t handle this subject matter. Would have swept the BAFTAs, I bet. Now this is more like it. Now get to work on a Ghost Protocol recut with a turd streaking down glass. (FilmDrunk)

• The Rock attributes a quote to Jay-Z.
• Jay-Z raps (offscreen) the song that The Rock was quoting.
• (Thousands of quick cuts of people stabbing, dancing, shooting, flying)
• Bruce Willis appears.
• Bruce Willis says, “Call me Joe.”

That’s it. That’s your trailer. If that sounds like something you’ll be interested in, the film hits theaters on June 29th.

Because there is absolutely nothing else to say about this trailer, I will spend the rest of this article listing G.I. Joe characters I remember from childhood, without the aid of any sources.

• Duke
• Cobra Commander
• Skid Mark
• Sgt. Slaughter
• Trixie
• Willem
• Gandolf
• Mildred
• Copernicus
• Shockwave
• Bumblebee

I’ll be honest. I blanked after Sgt. Slaughter.

Upon rereading that last sentence, I finally understand why I didn’t get laid until my late 20′s.

At any rate, the trailer features a voice over from a new character, Stannis Baratheon, rightful heir to the Iron Throne. It also features all your old favorites, as well as your least favorite, Joffrey. However, the clip featured no exposed breasts, which seems to be a drastic departure from season one. Watch for yourself.

Though I’m not Stooges expert, the lead performances seem to run from good to great in their adherence to the source material. And the Farelly’s smartly busted the film up into three 30-minute segments to prevent fatigue from a dragging plot.

Despite those steps, the film just looks like a dud. Perhaps if I had a couple kids and wanted to veer away from the standard animated fare, I would take them to see this film, but I think that the whole concept of The Three Stooges just doesn’t appeal to the past couple generations. So there goes about 60% of film audiences.

Maybe I’m wrong, and people will appreciate the throwback and attention to detail, but it’s been my experience that most audiences don’t “appreciate” shit. This isn’t their type of dumb physical comedy. My hope was that the Farrelly’s would bring their irreverent humor of bygone films like Dumb and Dumber to this gig, but they seem hell bent on sticking to the old formula, save for some very bizarre cameos.

Anyway. Watch the trailer, and, who knows, if you’re also not seeing The Three Stooges on opening night, maybe we’ll run into each other.

Swordsman

One of the early “New” Avengers brought into the series during the late ’60s, Swordsman didn’t have a lengthy career with the team. In fact, he promptly quit, later rejoined, and was killed off in about 20 issues. Along with a crappy costume, even by 1960′s standards, Swordsman brought with him a power set that included… sword play. There were subsequent heroes to go by the name Swordsman as the years went on, but none of them lasted very long. Thank God.

Rage

Rage was a 13-year-old kid who, after being doused in toxic waste, morphed into a super strong 30-something. In addition to having the least thought out origin in history, his costume was a true artifact of the 1990′s. Rage was kicked off the Avengers when they discovered he was only a minor. Plus, the toxic waste thing probably creeped them all out.

Wonder Man

Wonder Man is actually fairly popular amongst Avengers fans, and has had a long and colorful history with the team. But the poor guy would have trouble being taken seriously by film fans for one key reason: his name. For the general public, the only “Wonder” superhero is DC‘s Wonder Woman, and any character with a similar moniker is only going to come off as derivative, even if his powers and origins have nothing to do with hers. Maybe they should change his name to something more distinct. How about “Glowing Red Eyes Flying Guy”? That’s yours for free, Marvel. You’re welcome.

Happy Birthday, Helen Mirren! (Movieline)

Hot Girl Named Liz (BarstoolSports)

The Casey Anthony Halloween Mask (Holytaco)

The Comic Con Photo Diary (FilmDrunk)

Emily Osments Tight Ass (CelebJihad)

Harry Potter, The Teen Comedy (Unreality)

Happy Feet Two Poster Premiere (Moviefone)

Denise Richards Talks Dark Revelation (PopEater)

10 Fictional Foods We All Want To Eat (Smosh)

7 Brutal Planking Fails (Ranker)

Erin Heatherton Hotness (BroBible)

Vanessa Carlton Pics (Maxim)

The Very Best Asses In Hollywood (Pajiba)

Gina Carano Talks Haywire (CagePotato)

Best Day Parties For the 2011 Heat Wave (MadeMan)

PC Gaming Aint About Graphics (GameFront)

George Lopez On Piers Morgan (TuVez)

In honor of this hilarious new meme, we present to you the five funniest Jack and Jill trailer parodies so far.

The Bad Lieutenant

Hitler

Nicolas Cage

Robert De Niro

George C. Scott

Contagion opens September 9th. If we even last that long with this, this THING out there.

Ari is proven fallible through his separation, Vince is sober (yuck), Eric seems to have gotten his engagement ring sent back to him, Turtle wants to do things “on his own,” and Drama is working on a cartoon with Andrew Dice Clay.

None of that stuff sounds fun. I mean, there are plenty of chicks in bikinis bombing around, but this last season will demonstrate how grown up these guys are, which is something that no one was clamoring to see. Let’s hope there are lots of storylines involving Bob Saget and weed that aren’t reflected in the trailer.

Consequently, we’ve got some grainy, presumably real footage of the teaser trailer for latest Batman installment. If you’re half as excitable as this audience was, you’re in for a treat.

If we are to believe the trailer, there’s a storm a-brewin’ in Gotham and that storm is gonna bring bats. Seeing as how we are over a year away from the release date, please take this bootlegged trailer with an entire mine of salt. But it looks pretty real, so disregard what I just said and get REALLY fired up about it. NOW!

Anyway, here it is, with what appears to me to be a lot of footage from yesterday’s Beast trailer. If you don’t understand what Mystique is about by now, maybe the X-Men movies aren’t for you.

‘Colombiana’ is set in Latin America and the U.S. Saldana would play a young woman who, after witnessing her parents’ murder as a child in Bogota, grows up to be a stone-cold assassin. She works for her uncle as a hitman by day, but her personal time is spent engaging in vigilante murders that she hopes will lead her to her ultimate target: the mobster responsible for her parents’ death.

Trailer’s cool, so movie might be good too. I’ll probably be there.

Stuff Another New ‘X-Men: First Class’ Trailer Into Your X-Hole

The two below are for The Beast (Nicholas Hoult) and Havok. The Beast has really big feet and can swing around like an acrobat, while Havok can fire giant spinning energy bursts, and misspell the word “havoc.” All three of these look pretty cool, and now you can impress your friends with your superficial knowledge of three lesser-known X-Men characters. You’re welcome!

Anyway, the trailer is pretty cool, definitely an improvement over the last one. I’m actually pretty excited about Green Lantern now. Who knew?

The trailer introduces a cast of characters in typical “Real World” fashion. The upstart, the salty veteran, etc, but its difficult to tell what the central theme of the film is. Is it the death of print journalism? Is it Wikileaks? Or is it a combination of these things?

Judging by the two-and-a-half minute clip, it looks like this film might be more informative than entertaining, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, unless you’re trying to make as much money as possible, which I’m sure Mark Cuban and Magnolia Pictures are.

The kids in the movie seem really likeable and aren’t the awkwardly gawky teens you might be expecting. That said, they don’t appear to be social butterflies either – one of the kids says “I don’t have too much friends, my friend is magic.” But hey, I didn’t have hundreds of friends in high school either, and I couldn’t levitate playing cards. Advantage: Teen magicians.

The movie has Paul Rudd as the titular character, along with Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Emily Mortimer and Rashida Jones as the “Our.” It’s pretty funny too, particularly the opening scene between Rudd and a police officer. Here’s the official plot synopsis, which I found inside a chocolate egg:

“Ned Rochlin (Rudd) looks for the good in every situation and in everyone, which often puts him at odds with the world around him – especially his family.  Upon being released from jail for a stupid mistake, Ned is kicked off of the organic farm he lives and works on by his ex-girlfriend Janet who also insists on keeping his beloved dog, Willie Nelson.  Having nowhere else to go, he turns to his family, three ambitious sisters (Banks, Deschanel, Mortimer) and an overbearing mother.  Ned crashes at each of their homes, in succession, and brings honesty, happiness and a sunny disposition into their lives.  In other words, he wreaks havoc.”

Can’t wait until Willie Nelson gets his own CGI spin-off starring James Marsden. It can be called Our Idiot Willie Nelson Dog and it’ll be great.

If that’s not your sort of thing, maybe you’ll see this movie just because you like to stare at Emma Stone, who plays the role of Skeeter Phelan, a college grad who begins working at a newspaper, only to find she needs to call on her maid (Viola Davis) for help with an article. Cue “I’m Every Woman.”

The Help is an adaptation of a best-selling book that was selected for Oprah’s book club, which is wildly unsurprising, given the book’s subject matter. It’s pretty much the opposite of Tron.

“’You will go to sleep: you will wake up. It will be as if those hours never existed.’ Death-haunted, quietly reckless, Lucy is a young university student who takes a job as a Sleeping Beauty. In the Sleeping Beauty Chamber old men seek an erotic experience that requires Lucy’s absolute submission. This unsettling task starts to bleed into Lucy’s daily life and she develops an increasing need to know what happens to her when she is asleep.”

Whoa, the trailer doesn’t really go into all those creepy details. I wonder if there really are such things as Sleeping Beauties. I’m asking for a friend.

Anyway, this trailer is more of that, including the amusing assertion that “there is no vampire threat.” I wonder if that’s an intentional reference to Michael Moore‘s famous line that “there is no terrorist threat”? Probably not.

I don’t know what else to say about Priest, except that it’s coming out on May 13, making it one of those “summer is almost here” movies that I have such a fondness for. Can’t wait!

The song in the trailer is “Everything in its Right Place” off of Radiohead’s Kid A, in case you’re like me and have trouble differentiating between tracks on Kid A. Hey, have you heard my conspiracy theory that Radiohead didn’t really write and record any of their songs? Check my blog for the real truth – and Mr. Emmerich, I think it could make a great movie.