Screen Junkies » Tom Cruise http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 28 Nov 2014 16:30:46 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Watch Tom Cruise Get Killed Over And Over Again In This ‘Edge Of Tomorrow’ Supercut http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/watch-tom-cruise-get-killed-over-and-over-again-in-this-edge-of-tomorrow-supercut/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/watch-tom-cruise-get-killed-over-and-over-again-in-this-edge-of-tomorrow-supercut/#comments Tue, 07 Oct 2014 18:33:59 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=265893 it's cathartic for us to watch him die. Don't read too much into it.

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The Tom Cruise sci-fi action film did itself a pretty big disservice by sticking with the generic name Edge of Tomorrow, rather than the other two, far more badass (and descriptive) titles, All You Need Is Kill and Live. Die. Repeat.

The studio went with Edge of Tomorrow, and despite decent reviews, audience’s eyes largely glossed over.

If you haven’t seen the film, or heard much about it, Tom Cruise keeps reliving the same scenario over and over again, and restarts it by being killed or dying. So the film shows Tom Cruise being killed a lot, which isn’t normally something we see in Tom Cruise movies, save for maybe Collateral.

In the interest of getting to the good stuff, the studio itself put out this supercut of Tom Cruise deaths. I guess they’re not concerned that seeing this would decrease the likelihood that I would tune into the movie. Oh well. They’re the experts.

Here ya go:

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A Minority Report Sequel Will Find Its To TV As A Series On Fox, As The Precogs Foretold http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/a-minority-report-sequel-will-find-its-to-tv-as-a-series-on-fox-as-the-precogs-foretold/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/a-minority-report-sequel-will-find-its-to-tv-as-a-series-on-fox-as-the-precogs-foretold/#comments Tue, 09 Sep 2014 17:31:10 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=264827 That bald guy playing dead in the water totally saw this coming.

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Fox, clearly going through a sci-fi phase that we should just let pass, has announced it’s ordered a pilot for a series that will serve as a sequel to Minority Report, the Tom Cruise/Steven Spielberg film based on the book by Philip K. Dick. While it’s just a pilot, odds are this thing will get picked up, as Fox bought the pilot with something called a “put-pilot order” which means if they don’t make it a show, they owe some people a huge amount of money.

The show will take place ten years after the pre-cog program is terminated, and one of the former precogs join a detective who is “haunted by her past.” Hey, we’re all haunted by our pasts, lady. We just don’t make a big deal about it.

No word on when this sees air, but probably not before next fall.

(THR)

 

 

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Warner Bros Is Flat-Out Changing The Title Of Tom Cruise’s ‘Edge Of Tomorrow’ For Its DVD Release http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/warner-bros-is-flat-out-changing-the-title-of-tom-cruises-edge-of-tomorrow-for-its-dvd-release/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/warner-bros-is-flat-out-changing-the-title-of-tom-cruises-edge-of-tomorrow-for-its-dvd-release/#comments Fri, 15 Aug 2014 17:03:24 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=264232 Yeah, we'll tell you what the new title is.

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Initially, Edge of Tomorrow, a story about a solider who keeps dying, then being brought back to life until he completes his mission, had been blessed with the much more awesome name All You Need is Kill. Thinking that was too violent, the studio ran with Edge of Tomorrow. Boo. Whatever.

Well, since the film underperformed at the box office, the studio is taking a mulligan and now referring to the film as Live Die Repeat, which is also a far better title than the one they went with. My guess is that the DVD-buying market for a film like this is much more masculine, and the more alpha title may appeal to them. However, what about all the people who were gonna buy Edge of Tomorrow? How are they supposed to know about this?

I don’t know of any precedent for this type of move; titles are regularly changed for foreign markets, but not from theater to DVD.

First time for everything.

(Variety)

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‘Mission: Impossible 5′ Casts Some Actors, Old And New http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/mission-impossible-5-casts-some-actors-old-and-new/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/mission-impossible-5-casts-some-actors-old-and-new/#comments Thu, 10 Jul 2014 16:50:32 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=262914 Waiting for the audio tapes of Baldwin berating crew members.

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By “old” in that headline regarding the next Mission: Impossible, I didn’t mean that to be read as “elderly,” but rather “familiar.” And by “new” I wasn’t implying that an infant would be getting a starring role (though that would be very interesting). but it just so happens that the familiar actor is “old”(er) and the unfamiliar one is younger.

So I have no idea what I’m saying. The “old” is Alec Baldwin, who, despite his interest in the returning to TV, has signed on to play the head of the CIA, hopefully in the same fashion he player a state police bureaucrat in The Departed. And Rebecca Ferguson, who just recently made her English-language debut in The White Queen on the BBC.

Why does a woman named Rebecca Ferguson not speak English as a first language? Because was raised in Sweden.

She will be playing the lead opposite Cruise, but little else is known.

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Movie Time Travel DEBUNKED http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/movie-time-travel-debunked/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/movie-time-travel-debunked/#comments Thu, 05 Jun 2014 18:15:15 +0000 Lyndsey Saul http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=262039 "Edge of Tomorrow" is only that latest blockbuster to deal with time travel - but could it happen for real? We talked to real scientists to get the scoop behind our favorite time travel movies!

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“Edge of Tomorrow” is only that latest blockbuster to deal with time travel – but could it happen for real? We talked to real scientists to get the scoop behind our favorite time travel movies!

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Honest Trailers – Top Gun http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/honest-trailers-top-gun/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/honest-trailers-top-gun/#comments Tue, 03 Jun 2014 17:43:55 +0000 Lyndsey Saul http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=261965 Tom Cruise is returning to theaters soon in "Edge of Tomorrow," so we took the highway to the Honest Trailer Vault and dusted off our vintage trailer for 1986's "Top Gun," Tom Cruise's classic movie about super-manly dudes, Kenny Loggins, and beach volleyball. Oh, and flying planes.

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Tom Cruise is returning to theaters soon in “Edge of Tomorrow,” so we took the highway to the Honest Trailer Vault and dusted off our vintage trailer for 1986′s “Top Gun,” Tom Cruise’s classic movie about super-manly dudes, Kenny Loggins, and beach volleyball. Oh, and flying planes.

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Tom Cruise And Brad Pitt To Pair Up Again For ‘Go Like Hell’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-and-brad-pitt-to-pair-up-again-for-go-like-hell/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-and-brad-pitt-to-pair-up-again-for-go-like-hell/#comments Thu, 19 Dec 2013 19:07:02 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=258450 Is it 1995? Will there be an Aerosmith ballad on the soundtrack?

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Tom Cruise is re-teaming with his Oblivion director, Joseph Kosinsky, to address something very mod and awesome: autoracing in the 1960′s. Namely, the rivalry between Ford and Ferrari. Cruise will play Ford patron saint Carroll Shelby, which I’m giggling about just thinking about him showing someone a big-block engine, then grabbing them by the collar and yelling, “I am NOT fucking around.”

And now it appears that Brad Pitt may be his co-star, since he already has 1960′s auto racer hair. It’s not known who Brad Pitt will play in the film, so I would like to plant the seed that he reprise his role of Louis de Pointe du Lac, his character from the Cruise/Pitt film Interview with the Vampire.

Cruise’s Carroll Shelby would recognize him, and say, “Louis, my dear friend,” as he transformed into Lestat, taking Pointe du Lac’s hand and kissing it. They would then race cars in an awesome scene reminiscent of Days of Thunder, then they would dangle from wires like in Mission: Impossible.

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‘Edge Of Tomorrow’ Trailer: Tom Cruise Lives. Dies. Repeats. http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/edge-of-tomorrow-trailer-tom-cruise-lives-dies-repeats/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/edge-of-tomorrow-trailer-tom-cruise-lives-dies-repeats/#comments Thu, 12 Dec 2013 16:55:03 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=258326 A more explode-y 'Groundhog Day'.

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As he did in Oblivion, Tom Cruise is once again battling a total sucky future in Edge of Tomorrow. While Cruise hopes he is not doomed to repeat that film’s performance at the box office, he is seemingly doomed to repeat this one mech-suit battle against alien squid robots. Awaking after each time he is murdered by those things from The Matrix, Cruise’s character must “train” himself to survive and eventually win the war and probably totally bang Emily Blunt.

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Tom Cruise Coming Back As ‘Jack Reacher’, The Cinematic Equivalent Of Lukewarm Tap Water http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-coming-back-as-jack-reacher-the-cinematic-equivalent-of-lukewarm-tap-water/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-coming-back-as-jack-reacher-the-cinematic-equivalent-of-lukewarm-tap-water/#comments Tue, 10 Dec 2013 18:26:29 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=258291 Was there clamoring for this? It must have been muffled.

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Tom Cruise a man of limited stature, will be returning to the role of Jack Reacher, a role a little against type for Cruise, namely because Reacher is a tall, muscular man.

With that exposition gracefully put forth, on with the news…Jack Reacher, a film that made little impact in the United States, both critically and with its modest box office take, will be getting a sequel. The decision can be credited to lucrative foreign markets that tend to be a little less discriminating in their taste for star-driven films.

The film is thought to be titled Never Go Back, and will be based on Lee Child’s most recent Jack Reacher novel.

This entire article is essentially just pretense to post this clip of Paul F. Tompkins pretending to be Werner Herzog, talking about the first Jack Reacher film. It’s gold.

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‘All You Need Is Kill’ Gets A New Nonsensical Name And Poster http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/all-you-need-is-kill-gets-a-new-nonsensical-name-and-poster/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/all-you-need-is-kill-gets-a-new-nonsensical-name-and-poster/#comments Tue, 16 Jul 2013 13:40:41 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=255804 'Edge of Tomorrow'. Has a nice Bon Jovi ring to it.

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All You Need Is Kill couldn’t just wait around until Saturday to make all of their Comic-Con revelations. The Tom Cruise sci-fi flick has announced both a title change and debuted its first poster. Going forward, please refer to the film by the much more vanilla yet still totally meaningless Edge of Tomorrow.

Granted All You Need Is Kill is the movie title equivalent to “All Your Base Are Belong To Us,” but Edge of Tomorrow is so whatever. Sounds like the title of a Jon Bon Jovi song. But not even from his good era, a 1990′s Bon Jovi song.

Anyway, that shouldn’t diminish the awesome concept of the film. Tom Cruise wears mech suits and gets caught in a time loop while fighting aliens and Emily Blunt is there. Here’s the poster:

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‘MI:5′ Gets Greenlit With Tom Cruise Returning http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/mi5-gets-greenlit-with-tom-cruise-returning/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/mi5-gets-greenlit-with-tom-cruise-returning/#comments Tue, 07 May 2013 18:50:35 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=254739 'Mission Impossible: Ghostier Protocol'!

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Because the role of Ethan Hunt in the Mission Impossible franchise is one that doesn’t involve Tom Cruise posturing as a 6’7″ hero cop nor does it beg the real world parallels of Tom Cruise fighting aliens, playing the black-clad superspy seems to be a favorite of Mr. Cruise.

Which is why he’s back for fifths following the success of Brad Bird‘s Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. As you might remember having a Ghost Protocol is akin to being on Burn Notice, so do with that information what you will.

The film will be written and director by a chap named Christopher McQuarrie, who sounds like a Winnie the Pooh character, but is undoubtedly a fine creative mind.

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‘Oblivion’: An Affair to Barely Remember http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/oblivion-an-affair-to-barely-remember/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/oblivion-an-affair-to-barely-remember/#comments Fri, 19 Apr 2013 22:50:04 +0000 Screen Junkies http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=254470 A review by Inkoo Kang...

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By Inkoo Kang

It’s hard to blame Tom Cruise, now aged 50, for clinging to the kind of high-concept, spectacle-heavy, sci-fi action films he’s made his career on. Between his limited thesping skills, increasingly unhinged private life, and refusal to hang up his leading-man aviators, the middle-aged star is facing fewer and fewer ways to stay on the A-list. After three decades in the biz, though, you’d think that Cruise, who stars in and produced Oblivion, would know how to spot an obvious turkey by now.

Oblivion takes place on a whitish-gray, post-apocalyptic Earth with two inhabitants, pilot/drone repairman Jack (Cruise) and his ground controller/wife Victoria (Andrea Riseborough, W.E). Decades ago, Earth was destroyed during a war against extraterrestrial invaders called Scavengers, a catastrophic event that left the planet under human control but inhospitable to life. The human survivors settled on a moon off Saturn and have been converting the remaining water left on Earth into energy.

Jack and Victoria’s mission is to oversee the drones that perform energy extraction. They know their memories have been wiped to make them an effective team, but they seem surprisingly fine with that. They live in a glass house in the sky (because hey, it’s the future), but Jack keeps a secret lake-side cottage where he goes to try on baseball caps, read old books, and talk to his belongings – traits that are supposed to prove his likability, but just remind you of your not-totally-there grampa.

Two weeks before the end of the mission, a space capsule crashes near Jack during patrol, and its lone survivor turns out to be the beautiful, not-at-all age-appropriate woman Jack always sees in his dreams. Her name is Julia (Olga Kurylenko, Skyfall) and she claims she’s his wife, leading to an awkward Three’s Company scenario with Victoria.

The rest of the film is structured as a series of reveals: who Jack and Julia used to be, how Julia ended up on Earth, where the Scavengers come from, and what’s really on the Saturnine moon. Two, maybe three, of the reveals are genuinely surprising and presented in visually imaginative ways. One even complicates the romance between Jack and Julia in a way that seriously threatens their relationship.

But audiences can only be expected to care about character- and universe-subverting twists when we have a firm grasp of their specificities and an emotional investment in them. Sadly, neither the script nor the stars – all of whom act as if they were in completely different movies – provide any reason to care about any of the characters. And it doesn’t help that the film’s mysteries unravel so slowly that the film is three-fourths over by the time Act One breaks, nor that the plot developments are, on the whole, so by-the-numbers it’s impossible not to dwell on the crater-sized plot holes and the countless cribbings from much better movies like Total Recall, Planet of the Apes, and 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Ultimately, Oblivion is aptly named – no other movie so far this year has been so instantly forgettable. For those who need their fix of movies about ravaged dystopias, they should wait a few months for the can’t-be-any-worse-but-could-definitely-be-better Elysium, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, After Earth, or World War Z. (It’s nice to see Hollywood’s so hopeful about the future.)

See it now, see it later, or run in the other direction? See it later, ideally when you’re bedridden with the flu and the syrupy slowness of the plot will lull you into sweet dreams of Olga Kurylenko.

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Tom Cruise Is Latest To Probably Turn Down ‘The Man From U.N.C.L.E.’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-is-latest-to-probably-turn-down-the-man-from-u-n-c-l-e/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-is-latest-to-probably-turn-down-the-man-from-u-n-c-l-e/#comments Tue, 19 Mar 2013 12:30:32 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=254045 Just offer it to Liam Neeson already.

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Hot potato! Tom Cruise is the latest A-lister to circle the long in the works adaptation of The Man From U.N.C.L.E.. Based on the 1960′s spy action series, U.N.C.L.E. follows American agent Napoleon Solo and Soviet agent Illya Kuryakin during the Cold War. Many feel that this casting will not take given the history of this project. Then again, Tom Cruise loves playing a spy. He’s got like nine spy movies under his belt at this point.

Previously, Steven Soderbergh was attached to direct but when he couldn’t get George Clooney to sign on, the project went into a tailspin. The studio considered Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Joel Kinnaman, Ryan Gosling and Michael Fassbender but those castings did not come to fruition. Guy Ritchie is currently in the director’s chair but hasn’t had much luck casting this sumbitch either after offers to Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were turned down. If Cruise decides to pass, Ritchie will also walk. Why they don’t just offer it to Liam Neeson, I do not know. He’ll star in anything.

Not to tell studios how to do their job or anything, but I think they’d have a lot more luck finding their lead if the character wasn’t named Napoleon Solo. Sounds porny. (THR)

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Tom Cruise Wants The Truth, Once Again, In Latest ‘Oblivion’ Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/tom-cruise-wants-the-truth-once-again-in-latest-oblivion-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/tom-cruise-wants-the-truth-once-again-in-latest-oblivion-trailer/#comments Wed, 13 Feb 2013 13:50:07 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=253513 This guy's always chasing the truth.

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The last trailer for Joseph Kosinski‘s Oblivion offered very little beyond showing Tom Cruise flying around in a ship that looks like the Ambiguously Gay Duo penis car, and that was a wise move. We were able to process the film’s setting, marvel at the special effects and get all the Wall-E jokes out of our system. This time around, we’re treated to the film’s actual plot.

Tom Cruise stars as a drone repairman who lives in orbit with his wife. By day, he helps clean up the surface of a dead Earth and eliminate the alien beasts that still inhabit it. His life is shaken up when he begins to experience visions of a woman he’s never met, and is pulled into a conspiracy when that mystery woman arrives on Earth via escape pod.

It looks like it combines elements from several existing science fiction films. Except Battlefield Earth. Scientology learned their lesson with that one.

 

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Looks Like We’ll Be Spared Any ‘Jack Reacher’ Sequels http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/looks-like-well-be-spared-any-jack-reacher-sequels/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/looks-like-well-be-spared-any-jack-reacher-sequels/#comments Tue, 15 Jan 2013 22:13:16 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=252931 If Jack Reacher was real, he'd be soooooo angry.

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THR is reporting that Jack Reacher, which managed to gross $153 million domestically without anyone we know actually going to see it, hasn’t managed to impress studio execs enough to get a greenlight for a sequel. Despite a budget of $60 million, the studio set the bar at $250 million to get the Lee Childs-based film the rubber stamp that probably says “$EQUEL” or something like that. As it stands now, Jack Reacher is at $152.8 million, which means that it needs the Asian markets to go absolutely bitchcakes in order to put a sequel in the realm of possibility.

That said, if market is capable of going absolutely bitchcakes, it’s those Asians. Further, Tom Cruise is a huge draw in Japan, so don’t count him out yet, but given the tepid draw here in America, a lot of us might want to anyway.

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Tom Cruise Is The Future’s Best Janitor In ‘Oblivion’ Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/tom-cruise-is-the-futures-best-janitor-in-oblivion-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/tom-cruise-is-the-futures-best-janitor-in-oblivion-trailer/#comments Mon, 10 Dec 2012 13:38:32 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=252339 Mop, mop, mop. Make it shine.

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Sixty years ago, planet Earth got all jacked up and now Tom Cruise has to clean it up. With just two weeks until off-planet retirement with the rest of mankind, Cruise gets pulled into a greater conspiracy involving alien creatures, Morlock Freeman, and what look to be clones. That said, it’s all looks a bit mysterious so it’s hard to latch onto what this movie’s really about but at a glance I’d call it a blend of Tron: Legacy and I Am Legend. But in a good way.

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First Look At ‘All You Need Is Kill’ Confirms Long-Held Suspicion That Tom Cruise Is A Robot http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/first-look-at-all-you-need-is-kill-confirms-long-held-suspicion-that-tom-cruise-is-a-robot/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/first-look-at-all-you-need-is-kill-confirms-long-held-suspicion-that-tom-cruise-is-a-robot/#comments Fri, 09 Nov 2012 23:43:50 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=251940 Just wow.

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Sometimes you just wanna go start your weekend but then pictures get released of Tom Cruise dressed in crazy mechanized armor. Like today for instance.

This picture was released as a first look at Doug Liman‘s All You Need Is Kill. Cruise plays a soldier fighting in a war with aliens who finds himself caught in a time loop of his last day in the battle, though he becomes better skilled along the way. I really hope there’s a scene where he says gesundheit to someone before they sneeze.

All in all, it’s a pretty sweet mech suit and I’m interested to see what else Doug Liman has in store. Perhaps Bill Paxton with a flame-thrower that has a chainsaw bayonet? That’d be cool.

Behold. Scientology‘s greatest weapon.

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There Will Be No ‘Top Gun 2′, So Val Kilmer Can Get After Those Chicken Wings Now http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/there-will-be-no-top-gun-2-so-val-kilmer-can-get-after-those-chicken-wings-now/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/there-will-be-no-top-gun-2-so-val-kilmer-can-get-after-those-chicken-wings-now/#comments Wed, 07 Nov 2012 18:11:30 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=251890 They're breaking a major rule of engagement.

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On the heels of Tony Scott‘s shocking suicide, plans for a Top Gun sequel, no matter how half-baked they were, appear to have been abandoned. Scott was spearheading the project, and failing his involvement, Paramount has killed the project, leaving Iceman, Slider, Maverick, Ghost of Goose, Jester, Merlin, Charlie, Sundown, and Hollywood all homoerotic with no place to go.

The studio is left with plans for a 3D re-release of the film, but even those plans are up in the air, as they feel public backlash in light of Tony Scott’s death could put the studio in a bad light.

That’s probably just Paramount being hypersensitive, but right or wrong, those are the studio’s feelings, and we have to respect them.

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Tom Cruise Must Really Want To Go To Comic-Con http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-must-really-want-to-go-to-comic-con/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-must-really-want-to-go-to-comic-con/#comments Wed, 17 Oct 2012 16:37:43 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=251528 How else would you describe his current sci-fi boner?

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With two science fiction projects crammed in his pipeline, Tom Cruise has reportedly added a third. While he’s already shooting Oblivion with Joseph Kosinski before moving right into Doug Liman‘s We Mortals Are, he’s now attached to Our Name Is Adam.

Plot details for Our Name Is Adam are currently under wraps but the title infers it will deal with cloning and biblical metaphors. Either that, or it could be a docu-series that follows what happens when Adam West and Adam Lambert are forced to move into a house and have their lives taped. Which I would so watch by the way. (Variety)

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Conan Auditions Wives a la Tom Cruise http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/conan-auditions-wives-a-la-tom-cruise/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/conan-auditions-wives-a-la-tom-cruise/#comments Wed, 12 Sep 2012 21:12:32 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=250881 Which is creepier, Scientology or red hair?

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There aren’t that many women who can both strap on your fake-butt AND impersonate Ray Romano. If you find one, she’s a keeper.

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Forbes’ 20 Highest Paid Celebrities Is A Depressing List http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/forbes-20-highest-paid-celebrities-is-a-depressing-list/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/forbes-20-highest-paid-celebrities-is-a-depressing-list/#comments Tue, 28 Aug 2012 17:02:32 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=250597 They're the richest, and, therefore, the best.

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The Venn diagram of this set along with the set of the 20 most obnoxious celebrities pretty much looks like just one circle.

Oprah’s leading the charge, but Michael Bay is right there with her. And, with the exception of Steven Spielberg and Tiger Woods, the list just gets worst. When Ryan Seacrest is the third most-tolerable person on a list of 20, you know it’s a bad, bad list.

What’s most annoying are the people here that haven’t seemed to do anything not only this year, but in the past decade. Like Dr. Dre. The last noteworthy thing he did was discover Eminem. Do Dr. Pepper and headphones really pay that well?

Tyler Perry? I’ve come to expect it. Donald Trump? Dr. Phil? Glenn Beck? Manny Pacquiao is an outspoken homophobe, but at least he accomplished something this year.

I wish Forbes would start hosting an event where all these people got together for dinner and mingling. I would love to be a fly on the wall for a conversation between Ryan Seacrest, Dr. Dre, and Rush Limbaugh.

  • Oprah Winfrey — $160 million
  • Michael Bay — $160 million
  • Steven Spielberg — $130 million
  • Jerry Bruckheimer — $115 million
  • Dr. Dre — $110 million
  • Tyler Perry — $105 million
  • Howard Stern — $95 million
  • James Patterson — $94 million
  • George Lucas — $90 million
  • Simon Cowell — $90 million
  • Glenn Beck — $80 million
  • Elton John — $80 million
  • Tom Cruise — $75 million
  • Dick Wolf — $70 million
  • Rush Limbaugh — $69 million
  • Manny Pacquiao — $67 million
  • Dr. Phil — $64 million
  • Donald Trump — $63 million
  • Ryan Seacrest — $59 million
  • Britney Spears — $58 million
  • Tiger Woods — $58 million

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Tom Cruise Has Telekinetic And Telepathic Powers. Allegedly. http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-has-telekinetic-and-telepathic-powers-allegedly/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-has-telekinetic-and-telepathic-powers-allegedly/#comments Wed, 11 Jul 2012 19:29:12 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249693 MIND BULLETS!

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes released a statement asking that their family receive privacy while going through divorce proceedings. Sounds like they have something to hide if you ask me. Could this dirty secret be super powers?

What powers you ask? I dunno how ’bout the power of flight? That do anything for ya? That’s levitation, holmes. How ’bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away… with mind bullets!

According to the Daily Mail, yes. Tom Cruise is a Jedi or something.

They’ve run a story that states the Church of Scientology allegedly believes Tom Cruise to have both telekinetic and telepathic powers.

‘OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behaviour of, both animals and human beings.’

Tom, who is understood to be at the advanced stage of OT VII, has practised the religion for 30 years and therefore has allegedly reached a rarefied state of enlightenment after travelling what is known as the Bridge to Total Freedom.

So, Tom Cruise is like those kids in Chronicle? Or John Travolta in Phenomenon? That’s awesome! Still pretty messed up though that he’s not out there fighting crime and stopping tsunamis and shit.

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How Will Scientology Assassinate Katie Holmes? A Screen Junkies How-To http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/how-will-scientology-assassinate-katie-holmes-a-screen-junkies-how-to/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/how-will-scientology-assassinate-katie-holmes-a-screen-junkies-how-to/#comments Tue, 03 Jul 2012 22:43:55 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249508 It's only a matter of time...probably...

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After four days in hiding, Katie Holmes emerged from the New York City apartment early this morning, surrounded by a security detail of gigantic bodyguards. The actress is fearful that Scientology officials are stalking her and may attempt to kidnap her six-year old daughter, Suri, so she isn’t taking any chances in her first public appearance since she filed for divorce from Tom Cruise.

Judging from the photos, Holmes means business. If the Church of Scientology wants to get to Katie, they’re going to have to step up their game. She’s likely hired top-level security, so in order to win this day, Scientology will have to recruit the best of the best. But they can’t go the traditional route. These guys are going to be on the look-out for ninjas and poisoned lattes. What Scientology needs here is someone who can get in and get out without anyone every realizing they were there.

Here are our recommendations.

Mike the Cleaner

As the right-hand man to Breaking Bad’s Gus Fring, Mike the Cleaner has proved time and time again that he is the man for the job. Whether he’s rescuing hostages or cutting the head off the Mexican Cartel, this former cop seperates emotion from the job. Killing is just business. This allows him to maintain a cool and collected demeanor as he works effectively and efficiently. He’s also aided by his ingenuity as he uses unorthodox methods to stay several steps ahead of his marks.

That Queef Monster from Game of Thrones

The biggest problem the Scientologists are now facing is actually accessing Katie. Press is camped out outside her apartment twenty-four hours a day and her security team are highly-decorated. Season two of Game of Thrones showed us the most cunning and effective way of getting behind enemy lines. The plan is actually quite simple. Tom Cruise will need to impregnate a Red Priestess. She will carry the child to term within a day or two and then fart the shadowy demon killer out of her vagina. The abomination will then slink into Holmes’s private tent and kill her where she stands before dissipating into thin air, leaving behind stunned onlookers who will likely shoulder the blame.

This plan does have its drawbacks however. This is powerful magic that Cruise would be affiliating himself with. Far more powerful than any magic the Church of Scientoloy is able to conjure. Would this coax Tom away from his religion? And what weight would these dark dealings bear on his soul? Also, he’d have to touch a girl. Gross.

The Order of Taraka

Employed by both humans and demons, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s The Order of Taraka can definitely get this difficult job done. This society of feared assassins and bounty hunters are close to unstoppable. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s Rupert Giles weighing in on the subject. “They are masters of deceit. Vampires are bound by the night, but these predators can be anywhere, anytime. They can appear as normal as the next person. Just another face in the crowd. You might not ever know when one of them is near – not until the moment of your death.”

Which makes you think. Katie is going to grant an exclusive interview eventually. Whose to say that the Order doesn’t have assassins embedded at Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood? Nancy O’Dell has always seemed a little too well-polished.

The Mechanic

As far as the Church of Scientology is concerned, Katie Holmes is a problem. Arthur Bishop (aka The Mechanic) is a man who fixes problems.

A master assassin, Bishop is essentially invisible. He specializes in making his hits look like accidents, suicide, or the acts of petty criminals. Or sometimes they will just be disappeared altogether. http://www.businessinsider.com/scientology-leader-david-miscaviges-wife-has-been-missing-since-2006-2012-7

Those Snakes on a Plane Snakes

Well, it’s likely that the Scientologists won’t hide a time-released crate full of snakes on Holmes’s airplane. The movie blew the whistle on that genius plan and now professionals are constantly on the lookout for it. However, they could hide poisonous snakes elsewhere in the hopes of taking out the unsuspecting former Mrs. Cruise. Ventilation ducts, elevator cars, or even in a can of peanuts are all viable places to catch Katie Holmes off guard.

Brother Mouzone

People see the bowtie and the last thing they think is ruthless killer. However, The Wire’s Brother Mouzone is exactly that. Well-mannered and bespectacled, the erudite assassin could easily gain access to high-level events that Holmes might attend, like a Broadway opening or an awards show or a guest slot on The View. The only other assassins capable of gaining access to such events are the Inglorious Bastards. And those guys are like a hundred years old by now.

T-1000

When the future‘s first attempts to kill John Connor failed, they sent back a better killing machine. Although, they probably should have just sent the better killing machine first or back to a time before they sent the original Terminator. I’m not trying to tell a self-aware artificial intelligence system how they should go about overthrowing humanity, but c’mon. If you’re going to actually go to all of the trouble of time travel, might as well do it right.

Anyways, back to Katie Holmes. The T-1000 could easily disguise itself as a member of her security team or a co-star. Better yet, Holmes could get cast in a film also starring Robert Patrick. She’s down to that level in her career by this point, right?

James Van Der Beek

With Don’t Trust the B—- In Apt. 23, James Van Der Beek has proven that he’s willing to trade-in on his image. So, why not sell-out a former co-star? That’s not so far out of the question. Plus, it would grant him access to all of the freedoms that Scientology has to offer. Just imagine, never being publicly referred to as Dawson again. All he has to do is push Holmes back when she inevitably climbs through his window seeking comfort.

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Where Does The Cruise Family Go From Here? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/where-does-the-cruise-family-go-from-here/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/where-does-the-cruise-family-go-from-here/#comments Mon, 02 Jul 2012 16:05:43 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249474 We have no idea, but that won't stop us from giving free advice.

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R.I.P. TomKat. It wasn’t meant to be. Last week, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced their divorce. This news begs many questions and strategies as to where the family goes from here. So let me offer some free advice. I’m also open to cash payment for this advice, but I’m in no way demanding it, as I consider celebrity PR work a hobby of mine, even though I have no training nor have I ever had a client.

But I do have a passion for telling near-strangers how famous people should live their lives. And I’ve got a vehicle (this site) with a substantial, albeit demented, readership.

So…

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise could pick up another doe-eyed starlet or other impressionable flame, but that’s sort of what we expect. I’m waiting for news to break that he’s on vacation with their nanny any minute now. No one wants that story. It’s trite, it’s sad for the kids, and it would be non-news were it to occur.

Rather, Tom should do what we all really, really want him to do. Cavort around town as a big flamboyant queen. Like Capri pants and tank tops-style queen. I don’t really care if he’s gay or not, nor does most of America, but we’d like to see TC do something a little different.

Lance Bass.

I had a team of scientists working on an algorithm that could determine the one person that was the exact opposite of a hypothetical amalgam of Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, and Katie Holmes, and they came back with results that indicated Lance Bass is the most diametrically different person in the universe from the aforementioned. Interestingly enough, Joey Fatone was number two. Huh.

Tom would go to club openings, get pictured gassing up a tiny Mercedes convertible and just generally being really gay. I don’t need him to start a handbag line or anything, but just live a little louder than he did before. He’d become likable again, something he hasn’t been in more than a decade.

I guarantee if he jumps on Oprah’s couch as a result of loving some dude, he becomes America’s sweetheart. He’s got a winning style, an amazing pedigree, and despite all the hate, I think America and the world really wants to like this guy. I mean, what kind of world is it that people are rooting for Tom Cruise to fail?

That’s totally f*cked, guys. For reals. I mean, he did this:

Katie Holmes

Katie has youth on her side, which is a nice thing to have. It affords her time and options. Initially, she was seen as a damsel that would be indoctrinated into Scientology and would be kept as Mr. Cruise’s child bride.

It didn’t quite go down that way. Or maybe it did. People stopped thinking of Katie in any human way whatsoever and just started thinking of her as a younger, healthier-looking version of Victoria Beckham. Not bad, but not really good, either.

Katie Holmes is likable enough, I guess. I say that meaning I don’t explicitly wish her any harm. So let’s see her have some fun, too. Before Tom Cruise, she was dating Chris Klein, which I’m sure was pleasant enough, but not like a carnival ride of fun.

Which is why she needs to get after a guy that’s nothing but fun. I’m thinking Pete Doherty, I’m thinking Andy Dick, I’m thinking 50 Cent. Maybe Johnny Knoxville. I don’t really care who, which is unfortunate, because I’m tasked with writing this feature on who she should see next.

Conner Cruise

I know precisely jack shit about Connor Cruise. And that’s high praise. Despite being the adopted black son of Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, he’s miraculously managed to stay out of the headlines and out of trouble. Nicely done, Connor. Don’t change a thing. And if you were close with your step-mom, I’m sorry you lost her in all this, but just stay in touch.

You’re doing it right Connor. Against all odds,

Suri

Oh, Suri. Oh, Suri. Oh SuriSuriSuriSuri.

Where do I begin? This won’t be easy for you. You were fighting an uphill battle to be a normal child the second you were born, and now you belong to a broken home. You might be inclined to just give up as you hear these words read to you by the Scientology intern that reads you all the articles that pop up on your Google Alert, but don’t.

This is an opportunity to make a fresh start. One that you’ve needed for so long. You look tired, Suri. Take a step back from the spotlight. Hang out with Connor. That kid has a good head on his shoulders. Own the opportunity for reinvention by getting a fun new haircut like your mom did with that pixie cut a few years back.

Dance like no one’s watching, Suri.

Take some time for yourself by just going to that island that your parents probably bought you for your half birthday between your second and third birthdays. Spoil yourself rotten with Lunchables and flaxseed shakes and just rise above all the noise that you’re hearing right now. Most of all, know that your parents love you very much, even if they’re pretty weird, what with your mom never smiling and your dad smiling all the damn time.

You’re going to get through this. Most importantly, don’t see Rock of Ages. Avoid it like the plague if you still want to maintain a shred of respect for your dad.

Good luck to this whole, weird, sill family.

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Let’s Boogie: 6 Lame Movies About Rock And Roll http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/lets-boogie-6-lame-movies-about-rock-and-roll/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/lets-boogie-6-lame-movies-about-rock-and-roll/#comments Fri, 15 Jun 2012 22:20:12 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249254 Get ready to not rock.

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A great film about rock and roll is a fast track to the annals of history. Something about the concept of rock, and the spectacle of its performance lends itself to some truly amazing concert films and features such as Almost Famous, High Fidelity, The Last Waltz, and Gimme Shelter. However, for every film that raises bar, there’s another one that belly crawls right under it, gets tired, and takes a nap.

There’s one such film that’s coming out this weekend. See if you can spot it on the list below.

Rock of Ages


Rock of Ages is going to be just terrible. There’s nothing about it that’s sincere, from the casting of Tom Cruise as rock star Stacee Jaxx, to the existence of a character named “Stacee Jaxx” to the fact that that it’s a jukebox musical (a term that I just learned and in doing so, probably forgot the quadratic equation or how to diagram a sentence).

I get that this film isn’t supposed to be a study of the serious qualities of rock and roll, or music, or even filmmaking, but rather a “romp” in which rock and roll is probably cartoonishly overblown, then subject to hyperbolic condemnation by a hot woman, but then Stacee Jaxx probably sleeps with the hot woman leading the rock and roll cause, then she loves rock and roll, and something happens at the end set to Journey’s “Wheel in the Sky,” and the credits roll, and receptionists the nation over will have something to talk to each other about on Monday morning.

I get that. But I’m not going to like it.

Rock Star


Take every cheesy cliché about rock and roll that you can think of (long hair, leather vests, the groupie stories) and couple it with a contrived story about loss and redemption, and you get Rock Star, a story about a fledgling cover band singer that was given the gig of his dreams in fronting one of the biggest bands in the world, the unfortunately-named Steel Dragon.

The premise is based on the story of Judas Priest, whose lead singer left the band after he came out as gay. He was quickly replaced by a Judas Priest tribute performer. The only problem with this story is that Judas Priest was popular in the early 1980’s, so to take a band of that ilk and drop them in 2001 looks, well, stupid.

In case that doesn’t turn your stomach enough, the final scene is of Wahlberg playing acoustic music in a coffee shop with long hair and in a sweater.

Gross.

Yellow Submarine


The Beatles are probably the greatest rock band that ever graced the earth, but that doesn’t mean they’re unimpeachable. Just like bands with 1% of their talent, they produced some mindlessly self-indulgent crap.

The cartoon is bad, but what makes it worse are the expectations raised by so many people who think that The Beatles just ooze creative talent. They do, but they didn’t put it into this psychedelic, LSD-inspired children’s story.

On paper, that sounds like a pretty cool concept, but it just doesn’t take in practice. If you want to bore yourself and your friends while pretending to be a sucker what’s supposed to be cool, toss in Yellow Submarine and watch the sparks fly.

Crossroads


Named after a famous Robert Johnson story in which the bluesman reportedly sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads for his guitar skills, , Crossroads popped up on many people’s radars as one of the few other feature films starring Ralph Macchio that didn’t have the word “Karate” or “Kid” in the title.

The story about a young man discovering the blues is a cool premise, but predictably, the film gets pretty schmaltzy pretty quickly. While I will concede that white boys can play the blues, I’m not convinced that our best representative would be Ralph Macchio. He’s like the modern-day Shia LaBeouf.

Also, the soundtrack is by Steve Vai, who is much more metal shredder than bluesman.

The Doors


I was reluctant to include this film on the list, because when I was 11 years old, I had just learned about The Doors and Oliver Stone, and thought that both were, like The Beatles, above criticism.

I was such a dumb little kid.

The Doors were an insanely cheesy band that wallowed in self-seriousness and their “art.” Oliver Stone has some of those same proclivities as well, so when you put them together, it’s a tour de fromage that may appeal to a sixth-grader, but makes everyone roll their eyes extra times due to the self-seriousness of the band in question. Lighten up guys. Do your drugs. Wear your leather pants. But let go of the whole “poet” angle and play your damn rock music.

Purple Rain


Good soundtracks do not a fine film make. This movie is absolutely terrible. As everyone already knows, it stars Prince, who is a terrible actor, in that every scene he appears, you half-expect to hear the director off-screen whispering, “Harder! Act harder! No! HARDER!”

And Prince acts really hard, but the only problem is that it’s terrible. I can tell you immensely more about the soundtrack than I can about the film, and for that I am grateful. Terrible senseless film. With an amazingly great soundtrack.

Damn you, Prince!

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Tom Cruise And Val Kilmer Are Both Game For A ‘Top Gun’ Sequel http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-and-val-kilmer-are-both-game-for-a-top-gun-sequel/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-and-val-kilmer-are-both-game-for-a-top-gun-sequel/#comments Wed, 13 Jun 2012 15:38:26 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249216 The new "Danger Zone" is any spot on a straight line between Val Kilmer and the craft services table.

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So if you wanted to see an updated volleyball scene where Iceman’s dogtags dangle between his man-breasts: this is your Woodstock.

Tom Cruise, while doing publicity for Rock of Ages, was asked about a Top Gun sequel and replied, “It would be fun getting into those jets. I want to fly those jets!” in a way that you think you’re imagining Tom Cruise saying it, but really you’re imagining Ben Stiller doing an impression of Tom Cruise saying it.

Val Kilmer, in a different, non-Rock of Ages interview, placed a big ole’ elephant in the room, then told everyone to ignore it as he claimed,”Sure, it would be fun. I’d have to get a haircut, but anything for the role!”

In that scenario, I imagine the interviewer beginning to choke, even though they weren’t eating anything at the time. In converse fashion, Kilmer would produce a giant bucket of sauce-laden meatballs which he would casually eat, and then the interview would end.

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Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol http://www.screenjunkies.com/general/mission-impossible-ghost-protocol/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/general/mission-impossible-ghost-protocol/#comments Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:42:31 +0000 Screen Junkies http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=238697 Director: Brad Bird Cast: Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Paula Patton Synopsis: The IMF is shut down when it’s implicated in the bombing of the Kremlin, causing Ethan Hunt and his new team to...

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Director: Brad Bird

Cast: Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Paula Patton

Synopsis: The IMF is shut down when it’s implicated in the bombing of the Kremlin, causing Ethan Hunt and his new team to go rogue to clear their organization’s name.

Release Date: December 21, 2011

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Tom Cruise: Totally Not Creepy http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/actors-directors/tom-cruise-totally-not-creepy/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/actors-directors/tom-cruise-totally-not-creepy/#comments Mon, 19 Dec 2011 22:54:22 +0000 Screen Junkies http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=240330

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Tom Cruise Comfortable Around Boobs In ‘Rock Of Ages’ Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/tom-cruise-comfortable-around-boobs-in-rock-of-ages-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/tom-cruise-comfortable-around-boobs-in-rock-of-ages-trailer/#comments Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:25:59 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=239735 He's so chill with Russell Brand.

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The trailer for Adam Shankman‘s Rock of Ages is here and it has everything you’d expect. Big stars with terrible haircuts, hot babes, and your favorite ‘80′s rock anthems made faaaabulooousssss. That’s not to say that it looks bad. The whole thing is handled in a tongue-in-cheek way and the jokes hit exactly as they should. This is mostly thanks to Words with Friends champion, Alec Baldwin. He may not be a courteous flyer but the man can sell a vomit joke.

Other notable standouts are Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Malin Akerman. Cruise because he nails the bored rock star part, Zeta-Jones because she chews the scenery as an uptight conservative protestor and Malin Akerman because you almost see her boobs.

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Minority Report In Real Life? (Infographic) http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-photos/minority-report-in-real-life-infographic/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-photos/minority-report-in-real-life-infographic/#comments Fri, 09 Dec 2011 22:19:20 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=239350 Tom Cruise already watches me when I sleep, so I could care less.

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Are the events depicted in Minority Report coming to pass in the real world. YES! At least that’s what this infographic I found on the Internet claims. I tend to get most of my information from infographics.

At any rate, if Minority Report really is coming to pass, is that such a bad thing? Sure, it means we’ll gradually lose our constitutional rights and bow down to Tom Cruise, but that’s a small price to pay for self-driving cars and genetically altered plants that attack intruders. Also, I’ve always wanted to do a bald girl with psychic powers being kept in suspended animation, so really, this is a win-win for me. But take a look at the infographic and decide for yourself.

Click the pic to enlarge…
Minority Report
Created by: Criminology

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