Once when I was little, I was skateboarding, and my board got away from me in the street, a car ran it over, and it sprung about 25 feet into the air. I caught the board with one hand, then set it down and immediately resumed skateboarding.

Now just imagine instead of catching an errant skateboard, you chugged a couple quarts of donkey cum.

It appears that NBC has pulled a now-infamous Fear Factor episode in which contestants drink donkey semen. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know the logistics of Fear Factor, so I don’t know if the winner gets paid if the episode doesn’t air, but I would think that if the winner does still get paid, I would rather no one see it and collect my money. Of course the most desirable outcome would be getting paid and not guzzling semen, but it would appear that ship has sailed.

TMZ reports that no programming guides are carrying that episode, instead showing a rerun in its place. Further, online promos have been pulled.

What a nasty start to the week. Just awful.

The fictitious passengers in Wahlberg’s mind would stop worrying, put on a brave face, then, after collecting Cinnabon and neck pillows from the emergency airport, they would continue on to their final destination while watching The Happening and Four Brothers, unaware that the war on terror was over before it began.

Kudos to Men’s Journal for their interview tactics. Let this be a lesson to aspiring journalists – if you ever want to make national news with your dumb little interview, ask the famous subject what he or she would have done differently to save the country from 9/11. Gold, Men’s Journal. Gold.

UPDATE: It would appear that Wahlberg realized his comments may have offended pretty much everyone, so he issued this apology. That was issued quickly. Probably as quickly as he would have taken down those terrorists on that plane.

TMZ announced, with TMZ‘s typical understated dignity, that Hulk Hogan is SHAVING HIS MUSTACHE!!!, using only three exclamation points to show that this is serious. Hulk has been known for his handlebar mustache and platinum blonde Dutch boy haircut since the early 80′s, but will be losing both right now for a movie audition. Audition? Someone wants to hear Hulk Hogan read for a role? Like they’re not sure if he’s the right guy for the role? Huh.

Losing his mustache is in no way a reaction to comments by his wife that he had a gay affair with fellow wrestler Brutus the Beefcake. But if I had a gay affair with Brutus the Beefcake that came to light, shaving my mustache would give me the closure necessary to really get back on with my life. I’ve given this some thought.

While Hulk Hogan has always rocked a bit of a strange look, at least it was familiar. Now, we’re going to have to contend with a bald, shorn Hogan, which is just… just a lot to take right now, man.

Really, Frank? I know I hate sequels more than most, but that one was pretty damn good.

The film won the Academy Award for Best Picture, which might be enough to validate its production for most auteurs. It’ unknown what his problem was with the second installment, which followed Michael Corleone’s tumultuous reign at the top and featured flashbacks to Vito’s days of cutting his teeth as a gangster.

I’m trying to think of a sarcastic or funny take on the film that could have caused Coppola to dislike the movie, but I’m drawing blanks. It’s awesome.

Also, we’ve spent enough time ignoring the elephant in the room – Francis Ford Coppola hangs out at nightclubs in Hollywood?

Why can’t this Anthony Bourdain appear more often, instead of the whiney, superior version that picks fights with cooks on the Food Network. The FOOD NETWORK, for God’s sake!

Here is the Twit procession from Buzzfeed (I’m assuming it’s in reverse chronological order, but it really doesn’t matter.):

Click this pic below, and let Christina Hendricks wash away the image of naked Anthony Bourdain.

UPDATE: Sheen wants CBS to lick his feet.

UPDATE: Sheen continues making threats from his island.

Calling a dude a “pussy” is funny, but when doing so possibly ends the run of a terrible, yet somehow endlessly successful TV sitcom – that’s hilarious.

Charlie Sheen takes different vacations from most people. While many go to Mt. Rushmore or Disney World, Sheen goes to an island near the Bahamas to bang multiple porn stars and publicly call people pussies. Earlier it was founding father Thomas Jefferson, then later it was his “Two and a Half Men” Executive Producer Chuck Lorre, the sitcom kingpin behind such CBS bland-coms as “Mike & Molly.” Here’s what Sheen said to TMZ about Lorre over the phone, after challenging Lorre to a fight:

“I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre).  He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I’d never want to be like.”  Charlie adds, “That’s me being polite.”

The response from CBS and Warner Bros:

“Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of ‘Two and a Half Men’ for the remainder of the season.”

Season Over. *Pac-Man Death Music*

Is the show over for good? Money talks, and it’s even louder than a drunk celebrity who’s trying to throw his career away as crazily as possible. I mean, it’s hard to walk away from the kind of money a show like “Two and a Half Men” rakes in. However, if Sheen breaks the Guinness World Record for “Most Porn Stars Banged On Coke In A Day While Simultaneously Calling Very Important Producers ‘Pussies,’ ” the show is as good as cancelled.

Unless they kill off his character and replace him with Martin Sheen. No, not the character he played when he was a guest star – Sheen should reprise his role as President Bartlet. Finally, “Men” would achieve the gravitas they’ve been striving for all these years. (TMZ)

_{Len Lesser (Left) | Kim Kardashian (Right)}

Just when you thought Kim Kardashian couldn’t sink any lower, she goes on Facebook and harasses an 87-year-old man. And not just any 87-year old. We’re talking about Len Lesser, the guy who played Uncle Leo on "Seinfeld!"

Len Lesser called Burbank police last night after receiving a slew of calls from people who kept asking, "Are you Uncle Leo?"  The 87-year-old couldn’t take it anymore so cops came to his house.

While at Lesser’s home, an officer intercepted one of the calls and asked where the caller had found the number. As it turns out, someone posing as Kim Kardashian on Facebook posted the information, not the reality/porn star herself. However, I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to throw Kardashain in jail until the whole thing gets sorted out, just in case.

In the meantime, Lesser should start answering his phone with "Vandelay Industries" in order to throw the callers off his trail. (TMZ)

Taylor Lautner is howling mad at an RV company for not delivering his trailer on time. Get it? I said "howling mad" because he plays a wolf boy in those awful movies. *sigh*

At any rate, Lautner is so distraught over the matter that he has filed a lawsuit against the company, McMahon’s RV, claiming both "annoyance" and "emotional distress."

On the one hand, he allegedly paid $300,000 for the trailer, so I can sort of see his point. On the other hand, he paid $300,000 for a trailer, and someday he’ll use it to bang more chicks than I will ever meet even though he looks like one of the rats from those old Quizno’s ads. When I look at it that way, I’m more inclined to hope the trailer catches fire while the rich, pretty boy, crybaby is inside. (TMZ via Movie Line)

_{The oil spill destroys yet another beach.}

In today’s economy, job security is almost non-existent. This is even true for those of us who get paid to be a raging douche bag and/or herpes spreading skank.

TMZ is reporting that at least half the cast of "Jersey Shore" is facing the chopping block after MTV executives were "underwhelmed" by their performances this season. Obviously, this means there’s been an overall decline in the number of teenage viewers renouncing Jesus Christ as their lord and savior, and someone at the network needs to be held accountable.

The cast members in question are Lenny, Squiggy, Amerigo and "The C-Word." (TMZ)