Butt-chugging always wins. It is unfortunate that the producers of this show forgot to blur out Mike and Trina’s faces.

**side-steps football**
**blasted in head by potato gun**

Ow!

So kick back, relax, lick some paper clips and check out this collection of My Strange Addiction’s Strangest Addictions.

Lori Sleeps With Hair Dryer

This segment features Lori, a woman that likes to have the calming breeze of a hair dryer pointed at her at all times. Even while sleeping. This poor, poor, excessively dry woman. If only there were an invention that could help with this dependence. I’m sure she’d be a “fan” of it.

In case some Americans out there weren’t vocally condemning the show, there’s now this hard-hitting Good Morning America examination, spearheaded by former White House Communications Director George Stephanopoulos. (Interesting career turn, George.)

In the clip, a pageant mom reveals the competitive advantage her daughter maintains over the rest of mommy’s little minions: go-go juice. For those who had loving mothers that didn’t milk your sense of self-worth for their own edification, let me explain what go-go juice is. It’s Red Bull mixed with Mountain Dew to make the pageant entrants extra sparkly!

Just…just watch. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. The whole thing is sad. The horrible moms, the brainwashed kids, George Stephanopoulos’ involvement…all of it.

The suit reads:

“Isabella Barrett did not act or portray herself sexually, erotically or provocatively; she was not ‘gyrating’ at a ‘nightclub’ or singing ‘about her sex appeal.’ On the contrary, it is the defendants who, through their articles, have thrust these false and vulgar characteristics on to Isabella,”

Those monsters! They took a perfectly harmless video of a tot singing the song which features lyrics, “When I walk in the spot, this is what I see. Everybody stops and they staring at me. I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it… I’m sexy and I know it,” and totally made it sexual. How dare they go ahead and write down an exact description of a situation presented to them? And they call themselves reporters. (NY Daily News)

(click photo to view video)

This clip from TLC’s My Strange Addiction really grosses me out. Not because it focuses on a woman that likes to eat cat food, but because of the way she talks to her cat. “Here’s one for you. And here’s one for mommy.” I’d be disgusted if she said that with people food too.

I can see how eating cat food is a strange addiction, given that it’s made from chicken and whatever else fell in the grinder byproducts, but it seems like it would be easily remedied by simply saying, “Hey Lady. Stop eating cat food! You are not a cat. You are a lady.” (Vulture)

“Which one is your son?”

“Over there on the see-saw, in the flank steak negligee, wrapped in caution tape.”

“I would like to get to know him better.”

That said, I’m not entirely sure that dressing your child as Lil’ Lady Gaga is the right strategy in winning a beauty pageant. I don’t think she’s the archetype of beauty most judges are looking for. Nonetheless, tonight’s Toddlers and Tiaras features Laci, a girl doomed from the start with that name, dressed up as the pop sensation, even emerging from a mirrored egg for her entrance.

However, dressing your child up as some sort of asexual alien-woman then having her emerge from a phallic egg doesn’t go off without a hitch, shockingly. Lil’ Laci spills out of the egg (video here from Huffington Post), and the audience would have been laughing if only they had been aware of how ridiculous this whole thing is.

In case this recap of events didn’t lead you to immediately look up the time and channel on which this spectacle may be witnessed, it’s tonight, on TLC, and 10 PM EST. See ya there.

All-American Muslim follows five Muslim families that reside in Dearborn, Michigan, a town with the highest density of Muslims in the United States. In an interview with AOLTV (why, AOLTV?), two of the families shed some light on what the series is and isn’t about. Hint: They won’t be up to Jersey Shore-like antics, which is a shame, because that’s probably the only circumstance under which I would watch this show.

Assuming this show accomplishes its goal and depicts the five families as normal, well-adjusted Americans (which I’m sure they are), why the hell would anyone watch it? The only way this would serve as any sort of entertainment is if the subjects were doing very strange things (and by “strange,” I don’t mean praying to Mecca or practicing Islam).

It sounds like a Muslim The Osbournes. Hmmm. Maybe I will watch it.

Also, don’t be alarmed or unsettled for the U.S. Army recruiting ad that is placed before this video. I’m sure that’s….just a coincidence. Geez, TLC, you’re really firing on all cylinders here, aren’t you? 

Once Jon Gosselin was removed from the show, with him went that sweet Ed Hardy product placement cash, causing the show to circle the drain for a few years before ultimately collapsing. Note: this is just a theory of mine.

But fear not, weirdos who like this show! You won’t have to quit your dependence on this woman and her flock cold-turkey. TLC has issued a statement, offering, “TLC hopes to check in with Kate and the family periodically with specials in the future.”

Oh thank God.

Perhaps some specials we can look forward to:

Kate Finds Out How Much College Is Going To Cost And Takes The Kids On A Special Trip To The Bottom Of  A Lake

Kate Gets Back On The Dating Scene, Trying To Convince Potential Suitors That Raising 8 Children Isn’t An Interminable Nightmare

Why Is Daddy In The Kitchen Making Us Pancakes?

Gosselin Survivor: Which Child Will Get Voted Off Next?

Kate Crying For 90 Minutes Straight

_{I’ll take the one on the right. No, just one is fine.}

TLC has taken another step in its insatiable quest to find rock bottom. The network’s new reality show, "Sister Wives," will chronicle the lives of a group of fundamentalist Mormons who practice polygamy. It’s like a double episode of "Wife Swap," except with just one guy and no swapping.

But in case you think the producers are simply exploiting the lives of a bunch of religious fanatics for ratings, think again. They actually care about these people. As it turns out, they’re just like you or me…except for the whole "cult" thing.

“They are very much modern family. They are open-minded. They are generally adorable,” said Bill Hayes, president of North Carolina-based Figure 8 Films and co-executive producer of the show. “Their children were so well behaved and polite and healthy and happy,” he added. “Pardon the cliche, but the proof was in the pudding. I thought, ‘What a bunch of great young people, and there was nothing strange about them.’"

You know, he has a point. Maybe there’s nothing strange about a group of women being used as a human puppy mill, as long as their children are well behaved, and provided they don’t shoot me during their apocalyptic final battle with the federal government. After all, a single mom lives next door, and I’m pretty sure her kids are running a meth lab. Perhaps four moms is the way to go. (Warming Glow)

That’s right. The most popular Halloween costume of 2009 (and would-be vice-leader of the free world) is joining the esteemed ranks of reality television. TLC has landed the Sarah Palin‘s "Alaska" reality series. In the eight episode series, Palin will show us her Alaska as well as take us inside her home. But knowing TLC this is all just a launchpad for a series about competitive moose-eating contests. I know how they think.

Discovery Communications edged out rival A&E Networks for the show, with the remaining question being which of its suite of channels would air the program. Discovery Channel is considered the flagship brand, and certainly a home for travelogues, though the company felt Palin’s appeal was better suited toward mom-friendly TLC. The network is best known for "Jon & Kate Plus Eight," and also airs "Cake Boss," "Little People, Big World" and "American Chopper." (THR)

Seeing how being dumb on television launched Jessica Simpson and Snooki into super-stardom, my prediciton is we’ll either see Palin in the White House or shilling for Carl’s Jr as a result of this. Maybe both.