Sure, being rich affords him guys like Lucius, but it also made him miserable enough to shake things up a little. Here’s a few other guys that prove money can’t buy happiness all the time.

Now let’s talk about some rich jerks.

Nicholas van Orton – The Game

He watched his dad die, and seems to exist as some “forever alone” billionaire. He treats everyone, including his addict brother, like crap. Knock it off, NVO. You’ve got great shoes and a really nice housekeeper that makes you nice baked goods for your birthday.

Van Orton is pretty much the only guy we see who really shows promise of change late in their film. All because of the game. The game works. It changes people. But how much? I want to see the continuation of this story with Nicholas running around like a better-dressed Mr. Deeds, though that will probably never, ever happen.

Oh, to dream!

Cal Hockley – Titanic

If you’re going to be a rich jerk, then own it. And no one owns “rich jerk” like Billy Zane (“ZANE!”) playing a privileged asshole on the Titanic, a ship loaded with privileged assholes. I know James Cameron is busy making 14 more Avatar films, but couldn’t he hand off the next chapter of Titanic, aka “What became of Cal?” to a lesser director, like F. Gary Gray, or Rob Cohen?

Cal was so awesomely evil that it makes me want to punch my computer in delight. He shot Jack Dawson’s friend in the stomach, and probably displaced poor women and children so that he could live. Can’t say I argue with either of those (Jack’s friend was annoying, and I really like not being dead), but when you do those things with slicked-back hair, it takes things to another level.

Sometimes being a jerk is awesome, and Cal is just the awesomest.

Bruce Wayne – Batman Franchise

Granted, Batman’s had a tough go of it, but as far as superheroes go, he’s lacking in the levity department. I’m sorry that you were in a Nepalese prison, Bruce. I’m sorry that your name is Bruce, Bruce. I’m sorry that your parents were killed by criminals, Bruce. I’m sorry that you were terrified by bats when you were younger, Bruce.

Now turn that frown upside down and live like you acted in The Dark Knight with the Lamborghini, and buying the restaurant, and the two hot girls.

And stop scowling. You’re so much more handsome when you smile, friend!

Terry Benedict – Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13

Terry Benedict is one of the few self-made men on this list, but that doesn’t free him from the sourpuss affliction that hits so many of the guys that are just born into money.

Terry struts around like everyone is trying to screw him, which is actually pretty prescient, because the entire Ocean’s franchise is predicated on people trying to screw Terry Benedict. Also, maybe he feels ridiculous and wallows in shame because he’s always dressed in insane Asian-inspired suits that make him look like a monk attending the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. In any event, he’s a Grumpy Gus, and I don’t just throw around the phrase “Grumpy Gus.” Why would I?

Sebastian Valmont – Cruel Intentions

He’s sex obsessed, but not in a funny Jason Biggs-in-American-Pie way, but rather a “there’s nothing that will ever fill the emptiness I have from being a privileged bastard” way. He’s about two steps away from being a total Patrick Bateman, but he manages to sort of, kind of, make good by the end of the film, even though he’s still pretty much a dick.

Smile, Sebastian. You’ve got a great car, a great townhouse, and well-tailored shirts and hunting outfits. If you’re ambling around Manhattan, try to run into Thomas Crown. He’s insanely rich as well, but seems to derive a little more pleasure from his good fortune than you do.

Money’s only a curse if you let it be.

I just made that up, but it could be right. Mo’ money, mo’ problems, my ass.

The Malfoys – Harry Potter

You’ve got SO much money, Malfoys. Why can’t you give up the whole “flirting with evil” thing and just buy an island and sponsor a Formula One team instead of teaming up with that whose name we shouldn’t be saying? You know, the V-word. Well, one of the v-words. The Malfoys are definitely what you would consider “old money,” but that’s no excuse for being evil, though it is pretty clear that the loner money has been in a family, the more likely it is that the character will be joyless and just grumpy.

The more painful the death looks, the funnier it is, with the RoboCop guy probably taking the cake for worst way to go.

Please, keep reading for a funny list.

Nameless Dude From Coffee Shop Who Becomes The Vessel Through Which Death Appears – Meet Joe Black

If you want to set the table for a three-hour study of whatever the hell issues Meet Joe Black was trying to earnestly tackle, don’t have the star of the film die in the most ridiculous fashion of any film ever. The only thing people remember about Meet Joe Black is that Brad Pitt gets hit, while airborne, by no less than 411 cars.

It was hilarious to watch the pretty boy get completely clipped in the opening minutes, in the background, no less. But as time marches on, I still fail to see what the logic was for such a cartoonish death. Maybe he could have had renal failure. Or maybe he could have been the victim of some white-on-white crime.

At the risk of being hyperbolic, it’s sort of like if Orson Welles had been eaten by piranhas at the beginning of Citizen Kane.

Dillon – Predator

I didn’t realize how ridiculous the late 80’s hyperviolent action movies were at the time, but in hindsight, the deaths that seemed so genuine and real to me as a kid seem really, really funny now. I realize there’s nothing inherently funny about Carl Weathers getting his arm shot off, then blown up by an alien laser (ok, maybe there is), but I’m going to have to claim some revisionist history here, as Arrested Development really went a long way towards clearing things up.

Any time someone loses an arm/hand and that arm/hand is still doing something, in this case shooting a gun, it’s probably not going to be taken too seriously.

Rather than shelling out $20 to fund James Cameron’s next submarine adventure, we suggest you just watch the Screen Junkies honest trailer, and see what Titanic 3D is all about without wasting another 3.5 hours of your life.

In an effort to demonstrate that Wikipedia is a helpful tool, but by no means the alpha and omega of our efforts, we thought we would run through the 9 highest-grossing films of all time while Wikipedia is shut down. I challenge our readers to spot any difference in the quality of research.

Let the games begin.

9. Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland is of course based off a book of the same name, written by an author quite some time ago. The primary characters are Alice, Christopher Cat, the Wicked Queen, and the Mad Hatter. The film, despite being horrible, managed to gross millions of dollars, putting it in the #9 spot. To give you an idea of how much money this film grossed, imagine that for every dollar that it made, you stacked a ruler lengthwise on top of another ruler. The resulting tower of rulers would be many million feet tall!

8. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stronger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean is a bit of a Cinderella story, in that many questioned not only how successful it would be, but why it was actually being made. No one wanted to take seriously a film that was based on a ride at Disneyworld or perhaps Disneyland. Maybe both. The first film, which was titled Pirates of the Caribbean: [SOMETHING], came a bit after Johnny Depp’s work on 21 Jump Street, but before his death. The film also starred Orlando Bloom, who I’m completely positive is dating that hot Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr. I don’t need Wikipedia to tell me who Miranda Kerr is banging.

Hmm. I know they were together like two years ago, but I also know it’s hard to stay faithful on movie sets. Especially with Salma Hayek and Keira Knightley around.

7. Toy Story 3

This was at least the 10th film by Pixar. Some of the other films they did were ANTZ, Bee Movie, and Shrek. This made more money than all of those films, possibly combined. Toy Story 3 was based on a script of the same name. Both the script and the film featured a cowboy, a deep sea diver named Hank, and myriad friends. This film also made millions of dollars. Steve Jobs was also involved in every Pixar movie. I believe he actually wrote the script for Mulan.

Billy Zane hasn’t gone those routes. As best I can tell, Zane has made his presence felt not by his craft or any of the aforementioned items, but simply by changing his appearance over. And over. And over. It’s his eye for fashion that perhaps garnered him his most high-profil role (cameo) to date, stretching his range by playing “Billy Zane” in Zoolander. He was informed by Derek Zoolander to “Put a cork in it,” after suggesting to the aging model that he might want to reconsider going head-to-head with that Hansel, who was so hot right then.

12. “Turkish Academic” Zane

He'll get in your pants, but not before he shares with you his thoughts on Carthage.

11. “Tobias Funke’s Brother, Arturo” Zane

You're not seeing things. One lens is clearly darker than the other.

10. “Guido Swing Kid” Zane

He'll stop Hitler, then he'll roofie your date.

9. “Sometimes I Pass Myself Off As A Middle-Aged Black Guy” Zane

"Why yes, I did subscribe to 'Jet'. Why do you ask, my brother?"

8. Giussepe Zane

"My hair...it's...not much. So I shave-a da head."

7. “Brokeback Molehill” Zane

Oh, how I wish I knew how to quit you, Billy Zane!

6. “These Are My Nipples” Zane

One of my favorite things about Billy Zane is the fact that...HOLY HELL! THAT'S PUBIC HAIR!

"I even say 'tornado' like this: 'tohr-nah-do'"

4. “I’m Thinking About Re-Upholstering My Yacht” Zane

"Brandy Alexander, please. Make it a double."

3. “My Stylist Went Off His Meds” Zane

"My dad was Bono and my mom was in a ska band."

2. “Just Got Out Of Bed” Zane

He was born looking this way.

1. Red, White, and Zane

I've never been prouder of our nation's flag.

However, there are a few other films out there that deserved their chance to frighten and exhilarate thousands of excited fans. But alas, for some reason or another, the deals never went through. Here are seven films that would undoubtedly make kick-ass amusement park attractions.

Final Destination 3

Though it would be tough to get the insurance companies on board, Final Destination 3 would make an excellent roller-coaster. Think of how scared you and your friends would be knowing that the brakes and safety equipment could give at any moment. But which moment? It’s the anticipation that’s truly scary.

Titanic

Titanic has thrill ride written all over it. Imagine the rush as you cling to a railing with icy water rushing to meet you. Then your life boat-shaped pod drops and stops just short of making a splash before rising up and doing it all over again.

^{Clappin’ all night in this bitch.}

Thanks to better than expected DVD sales, richy-richerson James Cameron is set to earn $350 million dollars from Avatar. That’s a record breaking number for a director to make from one film, and well over a thousand times more than what a blogger can earn annually for writing pithy articles about movie-making on the Internet. But that doesn’t matter to me. It’s really my passion for Photoshop that keeps me going.

The $350 million figure far outpaces the $97 million that Cameron earned for Titanic. That number will climb, of course, when he re-releases a 3D version of Titanic later this year (after re-releasing Avatar). We need a new term to accurately describe that amount of money. It’s not f*ck you money, it’s f*ck the continent of Asia money. (Deadline)

When James Cameron isn’t saving the indigenous people of South America or cleaning up the BP oil spill, he spends time on his favorite hobby: filmmaking. Currently, Cameron is tinkering with a little-known film called Titanic. It was originally released in 1997 and was primarily shown in art-house theaters and on college campuses. Now, Cameron hopes to bring his work to a wider audience by converting it to 3D and re-releasing it to theaters in April of 2012.

2012 marks the 100th anniversary of the Titanic‘s sinking, which went down on April 14th, 1912, much to the delight of melodramatic film lovers everywhere. (/Film)

Sooooo someone’s making Titanic 2: Mermaid Saviors. There’s a casting call for it on Craigslist, which means I can only assume it’s absolutely legit. You want to audition? Shave and oil your legs and slip those flippers on for your big shot on July 1st and 2nd. "Actors with mermaid and under water acting experience are highly desirable." The synopsis straight from the source:

"The film begins moments after the sinking of the Titanic. All who have drowned are brought back to life by a futuristic race of mermaids, called the Mantocks, who welcome the humans to their underwater paradise. Soon after, JACK DAWSON is elected king of the underwater humans. DAWSON requests that all humans be returned above water, a request that is denied by KING MANTROCK. The humans are slowly brainwashed into worshiping their mermaid saviors. Meanwhile, the sunken TITANIC has become a haunted underwater wasteland inhabited by RAGGARO and his band of mermaid pirates. Will the humans ever free themselves from their mermaid slavery? Will the mermaid pirates wage war on Mantock?"

I’m going to go out on a limb and say this could possibly be the best movie ever. When was the last time we saw a decent mermaid war waged on film, or video, or whatever they’re going to shoot this thing on? I don’t care what anyone says, tridents are a true mermaid man pirate’ weapon of choice. Now let’s take this sunken ship by force! **Stabs cheese cubes with three-pronged fork, dives into kiddy pool** (Cinematical)