So, what’s playing this weekend?

Horrible Bosses

There's Funny Stuff In 'Horrible Bosses' Red Band

With a Rotten Tomatoes score of 76%, you can walk in feeling fairly confident that Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, and Charlie Day will deliver a fair amount of laughs.

Best Review

Worst Review

Look at how crazy is the craziness we are doing for you. Isn’t it crazy? the movie shouts, and the more it does, the less you’ll laugh.

Kyle Smith – New York Post

Our Recommendation

If you’re a fan of the actors, and like a dark comedy that doesn’t get so dark you feel uncomfortable, then give Horrible Bosses a shot. Jennifer Aniston also has a real whorish mouth in it. She’s come a long way since Friends.

The zookeeper

Trailer For Kevin James’ ‘The Zookeeper’: Nothing Matters Anymore

Judging by the 13% it’s currently receiving on Rotten Tomatoes, you should avoid this movie like Kevin James should avoid trans fats. And yes, I know fat jokes are easy, but that doesn’t make them any less funny.

Best Review

James is appealing enough to make it work – just barely.

Chris Hewitt – St Paul Pioneer Press

Worst Review

Offensive to women, men, children, parents, WASPs, Asians, African-Americans, animals and zookeepers … a movie with no conceivable audience.

Steven D. Greydanus – Decent Films Guide

Our Recommendation

If your kid desires to see this one, drop him or her off at the theater with a crisp $10 bill, make your way over to the nearest strip club for their extensive buffet, and return ninety minutes later not feeling like you want to end your life.

The Ward

‘The Ward’ Trailer Might Hurt A Little

The film’s rating of 33% on Rotten Tomatoes would indicate that this isn’t John Carpenter’s best work since Halloween.

Best Review

Basically, this is a ghost story merged with a slasher film and sealed with Shutter Island twist. But at least Carpenter the spook-meister knows how to goose you.

Owen Gleiberman – Entertainment Weekly

Worst Review

Continues the painful decline of a director who seems more nostalgic for past glories than excited about new ideas.

Jeannette Catsoulis – New York Times

Our Recommendation

Re-watch Halloween and The Thing.

Project Nim

About a chimpanzee who in the 1970s became the focus of a experiment which aimed to show that an ape could learn to communicate with language if raised and nurtured like a human child. So basically, the reverse of Tarzan.

Critics are loving this documentary, granting it a 95% thus far.

Best Review

“Project Nim” is practically irresistible. The story keeps getting odder and richer and more complicated.

Michael Phillips – Chicago Tribune

Worst Review

Another singular case exploited and expanded to look ordinary.

Chris Cabin – Filmcritic.com

Our Recommendation

How can a movie starring a cute baby monkey be bad? It can’t be, damnit.

In defense of Kevin James, I believe there’s more to him than just being the funny, round neighbor who finds himself in goofy situations. Deep down there’s a hidden De Niro behind all that pepperoni and pasta. I don’t want him to go down the road Adam Sandler is currently traveling, churning out bad comedy after bad comedy just for the quick buck. And I’m afraid with this Friday’s release of The zookeeper, a story about a zookeeper who has sex with (or maybe it’s talks with?) animals, that that’s exactly where he’s headed. Well no more, Mr. James. I’m here to help you. These are the roles you should be taking to guarantee your box office longevity, showing the world what you can truly do while earning some respect from film critics.

Handicapped, Intellectually Disabled Burn Victim

Playing a handicapped, disabled victim of a horrific accident is the perfect role for Kevin James. In Tears of a Cloud, Kevin plays Sgt. Lance Cantrill, an Iraq war veteran who saved his fellow soldiers during an attack, only to come home in a wheelchair with burns over 60% of his body and a grenade fragment stuck in his brain causing mental retardation. With a newborn baby on the way, James will have you weeping as he tries to reconnect with his family and friends while struggling to go back to his former life as a Hazmat diver.

Serial Killer

Know what’ buried beneath all of that fat? Complete and utter rage. For Killer at Extra-Large, James would terrify audiences playing a psychopathic madman who shows no mercy. Kidnapping, raping, torturing, raping again, then eating his victims, James would make Hannibal Lector look like a Sesame Street character. As a former federal forensic scientist who speaks nine different languages, James would become the world’s first global killer, traveling the planet searching for eastern European strippers and small Asian children to add to his growing collection of death. Only Daniel Day-Lewis has the smarts (and the acting ability) to try and capture former CIA specialist Dunky McHollister before Dunky can claim his 500^th victim. A guaranteed Oscar win for James that catapults him to the top of Hollywood’s most wanted.

Comeback Athlete

In Sweating Pride, James would inspire us all as Clark Legpowder, a former four-time Tour de France winner who found himself spiraling into a dark hole of depression after the death of his wife and children. If only the teenage amusement park attendant had followed safety protocols and checked all the Ferris Wheel cars before being told to shut the ride down during a thunderstorm, Clark’s wife and kids wouldn’t have been stuck at the very top, innocent statistics in a tragic accident. Having gained 300 pounds and losing his will to live, Clark finds new inspiration in Tobey, a ten year-old stuttering child with tuberculosis who teaches him that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Despite his heavy frame, and with only three weeks of training, Clark tells young Tobey that he will once again compete in the Tour de France and prove that the human spirit is the strongest f-f-f-f-force in the universe.

Fantasy Warrior

In “World of Lardassia” Kevin James would undergo months of hardcore bodybuilding and strength training to portray Kullnando, the fiercest barbarian warrior the lands of Lardassia have ever seen. A tan, ripped James moves like a panther, stealing treasures as he swiftly dispatches his enemies before bedding countless wenches in this hard ‘R’ three-picture fantasy adventure.

Kevin James, there’s more to you than your goofy comedy roles. I know you could pull off each of the characters I’ve described above and showcase your true talents to skeptics who only think of you as a one-trick comedian fatty pony. I know there’s greatness in you, Mr. James, and I can’t wait for the day when you prove to it to the world. Just please do it soon for I fear for our children’s dwindling taste in cinema.

Kevin James (most likely) loves to follow El Guapo on Twitter.

Fortunately, this trailer follows the Kevin James checklist, so I can just copy and paste from my Hitch/Paul Blart/Grown-Ups reviews.

Is Kevin James:

• in an unconventional, yet traditionally demeaning job?
• a buffoon?
• for reasons inexplicable dating an insanely hot girl?
• redeemable?
• rocking out to an apt classic rock song? (Talking Heads “Wild Life”)
• talking to wise CGI animals? (new!)
• riding a tricycle like an idiot? (new!)
• responsible for the death of a giraffe in real life on the set? (new!)

Not sure what else you need to know. Once you heard or read, “Kevin James” and”Zookeeper,” you had already had your mind made up. And nothing here will dissuade you.