Considering that Cowell has blended into the pop culture tapestry over the last few years, I didn’t even notice that the show was ever on the air. My reaction was, ‘Oh. Here’s that guy I won’t watch,’ before turning off the television to go outside and break sticks against trees.  They might want to look a little further than replacing the judges panel and maybe, I don’t know, raise awareness that the show exists. What channel is this thing on?

In the end, the firings are a good thing. Now the door is opened again for the hot but impossible to understand Cheryl Cole. Just use subtitles or something.

(Deadline)

Anyway, the former “Man Show” host had some choice joke-words for advertisers attending this year’s ABC upfronts. Here are some highlights. We’ll start with Kimmel roasting his own network. Hopefully, a little self-deprecating humor will cover all those shitty programming mistakes nicely.

“Remember those shows that we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem.”

“You [advertisers] come here and we shower you with promises and never really follow through on any of them. If this was a show, we’d call it ‘The Bachelor.’ We tell you we love you; we give you a rose; we canoodle with you in a hot tub and then two and a half months down the line, you realize we’re gay.”

“We’re excited about all of our shows. Except ‘Shark Tank’. We have no idea how that got back on the schedule. You know what someone should invent on ‘Shark Tank’? A replacement for ‘Shark Tank’.”

Now onto the other networks…

“I have to say, I think ['The X-Factor'] is the best idea of 2002. It’s like ‘American Idol‘ meets a mirror.”

“NBC thanked God for ‘The Voice’… God has nothing to do with what’s going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after ‘Friends’. And God isn’t in the demo anyway.”

“CBS announced a plan to move forward and retool the show, and sure enough they found another tool, Ashton Kutcher. He happens to be a pretty solid choice. He’s popular, he’s handsome, he’s talented and he has experience. Remember, he did a very good job replacing Bruce Willis.”

And there you go. The message is: we suck, but they suck too. So… give us your money? (Hollywood Reporter)

Everyone hates summer. We’re forced out of our homes by reruns on TV, only to be assaulted by bright sunlight, abrasively green grass, and painfully hot sand. Thankfully, there’s an end in sight to the awful onslaught of summer, as evidenced by FOX’s fall schedule. Here is the darkness at the end of the painfully bright tunnel:

Monday: “Terra Nova,” the impressively ambitious show with dinosaurs or something at 8 PM, followed by “House” at 9 PM.

Tuesday: Some show called”Glee” at 8 PM, followed by the new “The New Girl” with Zooey Deschanel at 9, then “Raising Hope” at 9:30.

Wednesday: “The X-Factor,” which is different from “American Idol” in dozens of ways, starts at 8 PM. Then it’s “I Hate My Teenage Daughter” with Jamie Pressly at 9:30. That’s right, “The X-Factor” is on for an hour and a half.

Thursday: The evening starts at 8 PM with the results show of “The X-Factor,” which mercifully is only an hour long. Then after that it’s “Bones” at 9.

Friday: “Kitchen Nightmares” at 8 PM followed by”Fringe” at 9. That’s why it’s the most popular TV night of the week!

Saturday: “Cops” is inexplicably still on the air at 8 PM, followed by reruns and “occasional” “America’s Most Wanted” after that at 9.

Sunday: It’s Sunday night animation, starting whenever all that football stuff is over -”The Cleveland Show,”"The Simpsons,” a new show from Jonah Hill called “Allen Gregory,”"Family Guy,” and “American Dad.”

Well, there you have it. Keep this in mind as you struggle to make it through another punishing summer. And remember, you can always watch reruns. (The Hollywood Reporter)

A word from Cheryl:“I am Cheryl Cole. That’s how I feel.”

Though it’s been known for awhile that he and producer L.A. Reid would serve as judges on the show, he’s now announced who he would like to join him as he berates would-be stars. Cowell would like to bring fellow U.K. ‘X Factor’ judge Cheryl Cole over because, just look at here. I’d want her seated to my right all day, everyday too. He may be blind when picking out t-shirts and instructing his hairdresser, but you’ve gotta give him credit here.

Of course, to guarantee we’d don’t get too hot and bothered, he’d also like to bring old chum Paula Abdul on to judge. Negotiations with Abdul have yet to begin, but I imagine they will be untranslatable through the slurring and then one eye-lid will continue to open and close itself like a broken baby doll. (Deadline)

Sounds like a helluva good time. I can’t wait until this two hour Pepsi commercial with the occasional singer premieres. It won’t be long until contestants are forced to write jingles for Pizza Hut and juggle KFC drumsticks. Keep on sucking down that cola, you rising stars. It’s good for your voice thingies.