“This crazy device I’m getting into is safe, right?”

“This Rubik’s Cube sucks.”

Science: It Happens Here.

One of these soldiers is not like the other.

Neither of these people are Captain America. Bo-ring.

“Where can *I* get a nice suit?”

However, this Bucky ain’t gonna be plucky. Sebastian Stan (Black Swan), who also auditioned for the role of the man with the frisbee shield himself, is playing Bucky all dark and broodish. Think Nightwing instead of classic Robin, for those of you dorky enough to know who Nightwing is. Director Joe Johnston said the following about Shaw in a recent interview:

You know, he was originally up for the lead, for the Steve Rogers role, but he didn’t have quite the same earnest, I-want-to-fight-for-my-country aura that Chris [Evans] has for this role. Sebastian has a little bit of the bad boy, he’s a little bit of the James Dean type and that goes somewhat counter to the general perception of Steve Rogers. He wasn’t quite right for Captain America,  but I think he’s perfect for Bucky because, really, he can have a little bit of that dark side.

“Bad boy?” Sounds almost like a singer in a boy band. Will he grow a dangerous goatee and rap over the end credits too? Probably not, but here are some non-joke changes you can expect between the Cap & Bucky dynamic:

We took some liberties with the relationship between the two guys. In our story, Bucky is already in the service, he’s already joined up and is being sent overseas while Steve is still struggling to get in the army. That’s different than what you may have read in the comics. It adds a nuance to the relationship that pays off later. They’re closer in age, too — they’re virtually the same age. That’s not the case at all if you go back to the old comics.

Fanboys, I suggest writing your angry emails to Marvel demanding strict continuity between the movies and the comics now. There may still be time. Hurry, or Captain America might die once again… from you not complaining loudly enough. You think I’m kidding, but remember what happened to Deadpool? (Hero Complex via /Film)

First, we have Thor gritting his God teeth in anger before giving someone the business end of that hammer of his. Not sure what’s going on with the really ornate scenery behind him. He’s either in Asgard or an NBA players bathroom. I haven’t seen enough episodes of “Cribs” to be able to identify which player.

Then we have a snapshot of Chris Evans suited as the Star-Spangled Avenger himself. The leatherhead style costume is pretty cool. It’s a great blend of old-timey and modern day. Plus you can see his abs through leather. That’s how you know he’s seriously good at thwarting Nazis. It’s also nice to see that wall of Iron Men behind him. I’m not sure how functional those suits are but they look intimidating. New rule: the CEO of Marvel is now in charge of all of our wars. Get on that, Pentagon. (via Entertainment Weekly)

We’re getting late word tonight that Captain America: The First Avenger has picked up actor Tommy Lee Jones. The pickup allegedly took place in the bathroom stall of a "superhero bar" where Captain America was trolling for actors.

During a recent interview, Actress Hayley Atwell, who co-stars in the film, confirmed that Jones is on board with the project. Although his actual role has not been announced, experts (i.e. my 28-year-old cousin who still lives in my aunt’s basement) speculate that Jones will star as General Chester Phillips, the officer who chooses Steve Rogers for the super soldier program. Dork-a-licious! (Coming Soon)

Well, now I look like a liar again. Awesome. Previous reports that Alice Eve was the front-runner to play Peggy Carter in Captain America were proved bunk today. The role will officially go to Hayley Atwell, a young British actress best known for her appearance in The Duchess and for accepting Marvel’s small payday.

Personally, I blame Captain America himself for all of the back and forth. His hesitancy to just hurry up and just pick a girlfriend lead to this. If he had followed my advice and agreed to have his own "Bachelor"-esque reality show, this would have been much easier on everyone.

And we would have got to see Emily Blunt in a bikini. (THR)

With the news that Emily Blunt told Marvel they could cram their Peggy Carter role up their puckering crap-crave (I’m paraphrasing), we were left with Keira Knightley and Alice Eve in the running to play Captain America‘s leading lady. E! reports that Knightley told Marvel to squat on a pineapple (paraphrasing again), which means that She’s Out of My League‘s Eve is the frontrunner for the role.

Or once again, one of the frontrunners for the role rather. It was also announced that British actress Hayley Atwell is now up for the part. Damn it, people making Captain America. Just pick already. The sooner you finish casting, the sooner we can laugh at Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan in their ridiculous spandex costumes. (Eats Easy Mac with air of superiority, spills on Pokemon shirt).

I hate reporting on stuff that ISN’T happening, but it’s a slow news weekend and I thought you could use a picture of some stellar cleavage. Emily Blunt has officially passed on the role of Peggy Carter in Captain America. Most likely she prefers money in exchange for her services, and Marvel is notorious for hating to give up theirs. If they could pay their actors with t-shirts from the swag room they’d jump at the opportunity.

Now that Emily is out, Kiera Knightley and Alice Eve are the top contenders. Isn’t everyone like sooooo over Knightley yet? I want my Peggy Carter to have some meet on her bones. If Kiera gets any skinner she’s going to have to develop a coke habit. Not because she should do drugs, she just needs a cooler explanation than genetics. (/Film)

_{Cheer up, Chris. You’re set for life now.}

The great search is finally over! Marvel and Joe Johnston have found their Captain America. Chris Evans, the guy who wore the whipped cream bikini in Not Another Teen Movie, accepted the coveted role today. They still have to work out all the minor details in what I’m sure is a massive contract, but I can officially say that I don’t have to report on this story any longer. Hallelujah!

Marvel scoured all of Hollywood to find the right actor to play The First Avenger. Ryan Phillippe was in the running along with Channing Tatum and the guy with the hair from Gossip Girl, but Chris Evans emerged victorious. In your face, pretty boys! They got a pretty boy who can grow a beard for the job. (THR)

_{Looks like someone sh*t the bed, Phillippe.}

The never-ending search for Captain America could finally be ending. THR is reporting that the role has been offered to Johnny Storm from The Fantastic Four, a.k.a. Chris Evans:

Evans’ offer would include starring in up to three "America" movies plus "The Avengers" movies and appearances in several other Marvel movies. While an offer to star in "America" may seem like something you don’t have to mull over too long, one possible complication is that Evans is committed to co-starring in the Anna Faris romantic comedy "What’s Your Number?" Both are scheduled to shoot this summer.

It’s understandable why Evans would have a difficult time making this decision. If you read the quote above it says he’s scheduled to star in an Anna Faris rom-com. Nope, Captain America seems like too much of a gamble. Fart in the face of the Gods, Evans, so you can have a chance to bang the House Bunny on set. OR ask your agent to get you out of it and BANG ANYONE EVER ALL THE TIME WITH FISTFULS OF COKE-DUSTED CASH. Your choice, really.

It appears the new Captain America has been cast. We’re not sure who he is, but it appears when he’s not murdering Nazis he enjoys kicking back at Pierhead Restaurant & Bar with Ghostrider, The Flash, Mr. Incredible, The Hulk, and no less than TWO Robins. Superheros should learn to be more secretive about where they go to get sh*tfaced. Google is ALWAYS watching. (BleedingCool)

Don’t let Google see you with these links.

_{Betty White Calls Sarah Palin a Crazy Bitch (Moviefone)}

_{Former Manhattan Madame Runs for Governor (Asylum)}

_{Meet Jesse James’ Tattooed Mistress (PopEater)}

_{2010 Douchebag Tournament: Round 2, Day 1 (HolyTaco)}

_{George Lucas Doing Star Wars for Babies (FilmDrunk)}

_{Ten 90s Crushes All Grown Up (Unreality)}

_{Top 10 Sexts Tiger Sent to Joslyn James (TotalProSports)}

_{Best Beach Bodies (Maxim)}

_{Anteaters are F*cking Awesome (Smosh)}

_{Jessica Alba Shows Serious Cleavage (CelebJihad)}

_{UFC Live: Vera vs. Jones (CagePotato)}

_{Let’s Discuss Space Boners (Pajiba)}

_{March Madness Girl (Atom)}

_{Winning March Madness Picks (MadeMan)}

_{How Do Cars Become Airborne (AllLeftTurns)}

_{5 Reasons Your Gaming System is Better than your Girlfriend (RegretfulMorning)}

^{Ready to dismantle the Third Reich one Nazi at a time.}

Soon after we reported that Ryan Phillippe was being considered to take on the role of Captain America, news broke that stripper turned streets-stepper-up-to Channing Tatum has also been approached for the role. I must admit that I’m growing tired of writing about this movie day-in and day-out. What if we just cast an Australian who moved here at a young age? That almost counts as American, right?

Anyway, I have two very sound reasons why Channing Tatum should not be cast as the First Avenger.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

[fart sound]

Regrettably, we’ll let you know as this story develops. Be sure to check us out tomorrow afternoon when it’s reported that Stifler is being eyeballed for the role. (THR)

^{Why does this exist?}

It really seems like the casting for The First Avenger: Captain America is going poorly. The bland shortlist comprised of Chris Evans, Garrett Hedlund, Mike Vogel, and Wilson Bethel has reportedly grown longer and more bland. Today there’s word that MacGruber‘s Ryan Phillippe is in the running for the role. Considering Phillippe is 35 years old, he’s easily a decade older than the other applicants. It would be a stretch to cast him as a young Steve Rogers, even with his boyish good looks and pouty lips. **splashes face with water, snaps out of it and cancels GQ subscription**

Look, I understand that Captain America should be American, but all of our guys suck. In the interest of never having to write about this subject again, can we please just cast an Australian? Or if that won’t work, how about a Canadian? That could be a workable solution as long as their eyes aren’t too close together. (HitFix)

Without an actor currently set to portray Steve Rogers, Marvel at least has a nemesis cast to slapbox whoever eventually wins the role. Hugo Weaving is reportedly renting his iconic forehead to the makers of The First Avenger: Captain America. Joe Johnston has hired Weaving to portray the Red Skull, a nefarious character described as, "the most evil man who ever lived. The symbol of hate. The incarnation of torture. A bane to all those who would live free from tyranny. A major dick." 

The negotiation process is currently underway, but is said to be in a delicate stage. Joe Johnston can’t imagine anyone else in the role. "C’mon. Look at that forehead," he commented. "We won’t even need prosthetics. It’s going to save us hours in the makeup chair." (THR)

^{"Okay, Scarlett. You’re good. Fellas, could you take eighteen huge steps back?"}

Yesterday’s reports that The Office‘s John Krasinski was the frontrunner to play Captain America have been debunked. Obviously. Have you seen his hair? It’s clearly not cool enough.

So which muscle-y jerk is gonna play this guy? The list we reported on has been whittled down and a couple of names have been added. Producers are still keen on Tron Legacy‘s walking haircut Garrett Hedlund, though he has yet to test for the part. Mike Vogel is joined on the list by Chris Evans and Generation Kill‘s Wilson Bethel (aka who?).

The role was expected to be cast by March 1st and has obviously run into some problems. The options in America are pretty bland and we can’t just pop an Australian in the suit like we usually do. Stan Lee has really backed us into a wall with this whole America thing. (THR)